Howdy yall! SO I may have gone a wee bitty over the top with the last chapter xD Haha sorry I do tend to do that :/ woops! :P But just review and be like "Oh hell to the no!" and then set me straight so a huge thank you to Elliot, its good to get some constructive criticism And to all me lovely reviewers! Cheers me dears! Ok so if you are reading for the first time then REVIEW XXXX
All I could do was cry. My body convulsed violently with the sobs that ripped through my chest, so much so that my head began to hurt. I found it too hard to breath through the tears that would just not stop. Salt water streamed down my face, everything blurred and I let out strange, strangled noises from the back of my throat. He had been rushing me away because he knew what would happen. I knew I was worthless, but it still hurt. And what I must say is I sometimes found myself feeling sad. Very sad. So apocalyptically sad it felt as though everything I could see had suddenly turned grey, I physically hurt, like I was at the bottom of a deep, dark hole and I just couldn't get out. Sometimes I could hardly move. I would lay on the floor for hours not moving, wishing I didn't have to breath, wanting to just not really…be. And it is at times like that when I have my 'tendencies'. When I feel it is better and easier to not live because living hurts too damn much, like a huge weight that I cant support crushing down on me and yet some how I must support it. I had been told that I was ill... that I was hysterical or just a lunatic, but I had wondered sometimes about just giving in. I remember one day, when a long time ago when I was still in Alba, I had been cooking, holding a knife in my hand and it had suddenly occurred to me how simple it would be just to send myself into the nothingness. A flick of the wrist, a blade to the neck and I would be forever floating in darkness. Not having to breathe, not having to move, not having to be. But I didn't dare, I was too scared. And I remember the very next morning, beholding one of the most beautiful sun rises I had ever seen. After tonight, I felt that life shattering sadness creeping in, sometimes it came without warning at all and for no reason but this was…inevitable. I curled up in a tiny ball just wishing that the pain would go away. Tonight would be tough but I was determined not too give in. But never being able too see the only almost friend I had again, that thought was too much. It swam around my mind and danced in my clouded vision. Taunting me, always making sure I gave all my attention and all my focus too it, endless torment that was rapidly becoming too much to bear. I thudded down against the cold, filthy cobbles of the dark street, letting the dirt ruin my dress, face and hair. Truly oblivious to everything except how cold everything suddenly seemed. "Just kill yourself." A sing song voice said. "What?" I breathed no power in my voice. I tried to look for where the voice was coming from, it whispered and shrieked, urging me to do the unspeakable and bleed until I could bleed no more, and feel no more. I still couldn't see the person who was saying all this too me, they sounded like they were everywhere or kept moving around. I squinted in the darkness, but still I saw no one. I widened my eyes. The voice, this awful voice… was in my head. "Go away." I whimpered. "Please go away, go away, GO AWAY!" I shook my head back and forth as if that would somehow get it out, rocking back and forth. I kept muttering, I didn't really want to scream, my throat already hurt. It seemed like eventually the voice would listen to me and then go away. "Go away, go away, go away…" it started to laugh at me, it giggled in a sickly musical way. This had happened before. Every time I hoped and even thought it would be the last time. But then unexpectedly, it would happen again and it was always this same disgustingly sweet, taunting voice. I put my hands against the sides of my head, clutching at my hair. "GET OUT!" I screamed, so much for not wanting to do that. The voice was getting so loud I couldn't hear anything else. It told me I was pathetic, useless and doomed. It said I was going to hell so why didn't I just send myself there quicker. "No I won't, not this time, I tried before and it didn't work now GO AWAY!" I yelled at it banging my head as hard as I could manage against the brick wall. My neck was so weak I couldn't do much, I tried again but something stopped me, I hit something sort of soft and warm with a dull thud. Great now I was hallucinating completely, brick walls aren't warm and they certainly aren't soft. "Do it, just do it, no one want you here, not even you yourself now what does that say about your existence?" It sneered. "I told you I WONT! I CAN'T NOT THIS TIME!" I spat through gritted teeth, sounding weak and pathetic no matter how much I increased my volume. I was being held off the ground, floating and crashing at the same time. I screamed and screamed but the voice would not leave me. Even bigger tears poured over my eyes until they were red and sore. It was terrifying, to hear something with no physical form urging you too kill yourself. Terrifying to the point of impossibility. I can't imagine how I looked, screaming and writhing there in the dirt. And all over something so small. But that was the thing about these feelings I sometimes had, there really was no reason why, not one that I could see anyway. If there was a reason then someone could help me. Slowly, as the sun began to rise in the early hours of the morning, my screams turned to submissive whimpers and I began to see reality again.
"Fin what the HELL were you doing!? You scared me half to death!" Great, I groaned internally, more voices. And this one sounded just like Jack. I barely had the energy to whisper back at the new voice. "Please just stop, I can't take this anymore, I can't, I can't…" The voice sighed heftily at me. "Open your eyes." It instructed, though hesitant of what strange hallucinations may await me I did as the voice told me. Because of all the tears, my eyes were swollen and very dry making this far more difficult and uncomfortable a task than it maybe should have been. Things were blurry for a while, and, as they always were after I had had one of my 'special' moments, a sickly shade of grey. A grey man was there, with dark grey eyes and a grey bandana. This voice wasn't in my head, and I was wasting time being an idiot. He had found me. When he spoke he softened his voice like he was talking to a child… or a dangerous lunatic about to jump from a high building. "Can you tell me who you were shouting at?" He was keeping a cautious distance, aware of his every movement. Wait, was he actually scared of me? I kept my eyes locked on his, I tried to answer, but my tongue refused to move. I opened my mouth once or twice but my mind just fogged up and went blank, my lips wouldn't form words and I shut it again. He tried again. "Are you hurt? Did someone hurt you?" Well of course I was hurt! Do people usually scream at nothingness when they aren't hurt? Tell him, I shouted internally, my jaw trembled but nothing more happened, He must have thought I was an idiot as well as insane. Maybe I was. "Fin…" He said, reaching out with a hand to touch my shoulder, I don't know why but I flinched away from him, as though his touch would burn my skin. He looked hurt and slightly offended. And I knew why. Because all of a sudden I didn't recognise myself, I looked down into the water that pooled at my knees, and there was a deranged, muddy girl staring back at me. Her eyes were wild and tormented, her hair and face were covered in muck and blood. She frightened me and I didn't know who she was. Surely this wasn't me, those weren't my eyes. I didn't know her and neither did Jack. And naturally, I burst into tears. Jack looked on sympathetically but still kept his distance. "I…I'm crazy!" I wailed, feeling incredibly stupid. His expression instantly softened, though it took him a while to speak. There was a long silence whilst I sniffled and sobbed, trying to keep the volume of my ragged breathing to a minimum. "Well…" He began, swallowing loudly, obviously choosing his words carefully. "There are some people, an increasing number these days who believe that people like you are…ill. People who hear things or find it especially difficult to deal with anxiety or sadness aren't mad or bad people, but they need help. From doctors, because they have a problem that isn't their fault. Your not mad Fin." He had kept his voice unbearably soft and careful, still not daring to touch me. I didn't like being spoken to like a child but I had earned it, it was my fault. "Oh so I'm just sick, I have some dreadfully disease is that it?" I snapped out of no where, instantly wishing I could take back what I had said, because in actual fact, I was truly happy that attitudes were changing. Jack was clearly a believer that I wasn't a bad person, maybe I should be sent to prison or to do hard labour. But then the trouble was I didn't really feel ill. This was just the way I could always remember being, I felt awful, but I didn't feel like I had an illness. He sighed heavily but didn't answer. "Why did you come and find me, after what your father said…" I began pushing him to speak more, so he could break the awful silence there was in my head now. A contrast definitely to last night. " 'E just wants me to get married, and to someone he approves of. He hasn't been quite the same since mum died recently, don't worry he'll…he'll come around." It sounded more like he was reassuring himself by the time he had finished. I couldn't believe my selfishness, his mother had just died and here I was being all self pitying just because my senses decided to fuck with my mind like usual. "I'm sorry." I murmured quietly. Another sigh. I had never been approved of by anyone. 'Damn it, why should I even worry about, it isn't like I'm even involved with Jack, he probably has a girl or maybe even a fiancé back home, wherever his home is…' I told myself, trying desperately not to tear up again. The sad silence dragged on once again and I almost felt like rolling my eyes. I hung my head, hiding behind the hair that had fallen over my eyes. "Come on, let's get you somewhere safe." He said so quietly I could just about hear him. I felt so guilty as he helped me up, I couldn't keep depending on him just being there. I squirmed uncomfortably and I was worried he was angry at me; I was being an idiot after all. I would be angry with me. I couldn't stand the discomfort of the situation, I felt as though I was forcing a stranger who didn't care about me to look after me. "Um…I can just go, you should do what you want." I mumbled, but I knew he heard me. "See you." I finished and ran off, I would probably just go back to the tavern, the money I had earned last night might save me from a beating for being late. I didn't look back to see Jack's reaction, he was probably glad to be rid of me for once. I would be glad to be rid of me.
I managed to actually have a pretty calm days work, nothing much happened which I was glad of, I didn't get hit, I didn't get hit on either so I didn't have to bother with anyone tonight. I tried my best not to cry and did ok. The weather was nice and everything should have been alright. But what Jacks father had said, and what Jack had said and what that infernal voice had said just kept playing over in my mind. I sighed heavily to myself rubbing shaking hands over my face before climbing into the bed I had lied my way into getting. Most of the girls here stayed in rooms above the tavern and I had managed to convince my boss a customer would be joining me, who knows maybe one day he would let me have one like the other less troublesome girls. I had always put up a bit of a fight at first about selling myself and that's why he didn't like me much, I had dared to speak out against him. I pulled stained sheets up to my chin; I began to shiver and wrapped my arms around myself. My stomach groaned, I hadn't eaten today and my stomach hurt a little. It was quite nice to have a bed for once, even if it was uncomfortable and broken it was better then a street. I found it difficult to sleep despite my exhaustion. I stared out of the window until it was completely dark, I sighed again, let one tear roll down my cheek and blew out the candle by the bed side closing my eyes. *THUMP* I jolted up, my eyes widening hugely, what the hell was that. Something tumbled through my window. I heard a kind of muffled 'oof' and I realised someone was had gotten in. Oh god. I couldn't think what to do, I saw a black shape trying to lift itself of the floor. Before I could think about what I was doing I panicked, and screamed before picking up a small shovel used for fire ashes from the fire place and smashing them over the head as hard as I could. "OW! What are you doing you nutter? It's me! I wanted to bring you this." He said, and a hand held up a large, red apple.