Of Psychics and Physicists

by: muaaimoi

Impossibly, life seems to get worse once he comes back from the Arctic.

It's not just his so called friends betrayal to science, the knowledge that he should have seen it coming. That he could have, that he would have been able to stop it all and not waste three months of his life in a barren wasteland, if he hadn't enforced his personal space bubble so strictly. If not for the night the power went out, Sheldon would have become a laughing stalk for publishing his (false) findings.

Recalling that night still makes him shudder with disgust. Not at the male flesh, though he supposes it should, but at the memory of their thoughts. Howard, as in denial about his bisexuality as he was, hadn't been able to stop thinking about orgies. He'd though various variations of 'What happens in the Arctic, stays in the Arctic.' It had taken all of Howard's willpower to keep away his erection. Raj had been similarly troubled, trying desperately not to focus on how nice cuddling Howard felt. Leonard's mind had been the most chaotic. He'd been the only one truly disgusted by the near naked cuddling. He'd been hoping desperately Penny never found out. That had led to thoughts about hiding what they were doing to his experiment from Sheldon.

If not for the cold, Sheldon is sure he would have physically boiled with his rage. Instead he lay there, eyes clenched closed and tried to push what everyone else was thinking away. Far way. Attempting yet another impossible thing at the end of the world, he remembered thinking. It hadn't been a happy thought. Just like the realization that his reputation as scientist was joke to his so called friends. Standing at the door of the facility, on that last day. Knowing that they wouldn't confess to anything, and yet hoping desperately that they would, sickens him. Mostly though, Sheldon is disgusted with himself, trying to give them the benefit of the doubt.

He'd faked noticing 'irregularities'. Eventually their combined nervousness built until it broke. It was only then that the truth came pouring out. Something about his outrage then had felt almost dishonest. As though it should have been his disappointment he should have been expressing. Or perhaps the heartache. For all that he keeps them as far away as he can, Sheldon really has come to care about these people. Their well being and even, on occasion, their emotional state. Somehow it hurts to know that for all they pander to him, it's not the same case for his so called friends.

But that all happens before they leave. It's not like Sheldon doesn't understand. That understanding doesn't keep him from fleeing to Texas. But he needs the distance. For him, there is a danger in human sympathy. When you can experience a persons emotions with them, when you know their motivations and understand their positions as if they were your own it's impossible not to forgive them. And Sheldon wants to be angry for a while. I'ts better than being sad. And he deserves it, he has a right to be bitter, angry and disappointed.

He's surprised that they come to him. Not that Penny's making them do it, as apparently, for all that he's known her for less, Penny cares more for him than all of his so called friends combined. But that their reluctance is mostly feigned. There is some genuine regret on their part. And for all that all Leonard can think about is finally catching "a break" when he gets home, that's all it takes for Sheldon's anger to deflate like a punctured balloon.

But he still sobs his sorrow against Penny, because he really, honestly thought he was going to be the one to prove string theory. And losing that dream hurts more than a thousand petty betrayals.

It is, after all, if in retrospect, something he should have seen coming. Their weakness of character practically define his colleagues. So he's resigned to his hurt long before things deteriorate even further.

It's not even the return to civilization. Though Sheldon realizes that it should be.

The Arctic had been blissful, barren lands and the ever changing surface of snow didn't leave much room for imprints. Aside from Penny, it's the most peaceful Sheldon has ever felt since his powers awoke. Loosing that aches in ways Sheldon hadn't been prepared for. But's it's Leonard's new girlfriend that makes everything go from bad to worse.

The worst thing about Penny dating Leonard is that she comes over all the time. Penny had been a frequent visitor before they began dating, but she all but lives in their apartment for the weeks that follow their new relationship.

Sheldon, who had been making something remarkably like peace with the lack of Penny in the Arctic, hates it. It's a constant reminder of what he is, and what was once a sweet, temporary reprieve, soon becomes taunting. Every brush of skin on skin, every bubbly laugh, every glare they exchange only makes it worse. Exposure to Penny only makes him more hyper aware of her. He can almost sense her across a room nowadays.

And he craves it the way a drowning man needs air.

He begins to fabricate excuses to spend time in her company, stops leaning away whenever she sit's beside him on the couch. On the Valentines day they spend sick together on the couch Sheldon all but snuggles with her. It's ridiculous.

And she's not the only one closing in.

Sharing working space with Raj is driving Sheldon up a wall. He's so in love with Howard that it leaks all over the place. Sheldon hates walking into his office and being assaulted by thoughts about how blue Howard's eyes are, or how funny and witty he is. Sheldon sometimes wonders how Raj can deny so much of himself when it's so blatantly obvious just how in love he is with another man. It's almost unbelievable how much Raj justifies with the tittle of best friend. Sheldon catches himself wanting to sit Raj down in front of a blackboard and detailing how gay he is and how it's okay. That there's nothing wrong with expressing what's in his genes.

It's very frustrating.

So when Leonard and Penny introduce Howard to Bernadette, Sheldon get's to feel just how badly Raj want's to kill himself because he feels like he's losing Howard. And to Raj, a life without Howard, isn't worth living. Raj has entire daydreams about going home and ending it all. Writes suicide notes in his head about loneliness and how no one understands him.

Sheldon is fairly certain that only his delusion about his sexuality is keeping Raj from taking the plunge. If he doesn't admit to himself that he's gay, then he can't admit to himself why losing Howard to a woman hurts so much. But for all he knows Raj might wake up in mood for honest self reflection someday soon.

It's no wonder he panics.

That's his only excuse for running to Penny with the whole thing.

xXx

Short, I know. But this story has just beat On the Road for the tittle of most painful writing session of my life. Yay. Also, owww.