Of Psychics and Physicists
by: muaaimoi
For once, the internet lets him down.
Sheldon's online search for 'My friend is suicidal' is mostly useless. The few anonymous hotlines he tries scold him when he informs them he'd divined Raj's mental state due to his preternatural powers, if they don't hang up on him outright.
'My friend is a closet homosexual' is not much better. The sites he finds seem to focus on verifying the information, or simply explain that all he can do is offer support should Raj ever come out to him. That's unacceptable.
The results for 'My friend is secretly gay and suicidal' seem to focus on teenage statistics and handling rejection, which is the virtual opposite of Rajesh's problem. No one in their social circle will reject him, and neither will his family. They would only be too accepting of the situation as the verification will have proven that their suspicions were right all along.
Sadly the same smug acceptance is what's liable to push Raj over the edge.
Sheldon can't quite wrap his mind around how the very acceptance that he's so desperate for is the problem, trying to comprehend it is a very frustrating exercise in futility. But the bleak dread that Raj feels when he thinks about it is very worrisome. Sheldon tries distracting Raj with work.
Sometimes, this works better than others.
And still, for every time that a theorem will hold Raj's attention and elevate his mood for days. There are still entire weeks when Raj contemplates how to kill himself with whatever cooking appliance had caught his eye in his cooking classes.
Long, nerve racking weeks when Sheldon is left worrying that every goodbye his friend gives might be the last.
Sheldon doesn't know how to handle it. He has no idea how to handle his own human emotions. Let alone anyone else's. In his experience in academia, intellectuals are more prone to depression. But he knows the difference between imagined existential angst due to a tendency to over think one's emotional state, and the desperation that leads a grad-student with their first B plus to jump off a roof.
Edgar Fermon had lived, but Sheldon had taken to vetting his student's emotional states before he graded them. For all their dramatics, very few felt any worrisome anxiety about how they did in his class. Not that they were happy to have him as an educator, ungrateful philistines that they were, but Sheldon didn't need them to be happy. He just needed them not to kill themselves over a low grade.
He dreamed and relieved enough horror and death without involving any into his working life.
After three months, Sheldon can't take it anymore. So he approaches the one person he knows who deals relatively well with others socially.
Knock-knock-knock.
"Penny."
Knock-knock-knock.
"Penny."
Knock-knock-knock.
" Penny."
The smile on her face when she opens the door is amused. The fond indulgence Penny deigns to treat him with most of the time. Sheldon studiously ignores the warmth that blooms in his chest at the sight of it.
" What's up?" Penny bounces a little on her toes as she asks. One of the few clear indicators Sheldon has found to mean she's in a good mood. His power tends to interpret Penny differently, and he's more lost to her moods than he is to the rest of humanity when his powers aren't altering his perspective.
" May I come in?" Sheldon asks first. He's fairly certain the conversation they're about to have is the sitting down kind. He's also oddly reluctant to end Penny's good mood. Stalling a little while he can.
" Sure." Penny say, walking back to her couch and sitting down. Expectant green eyes look at him while he lingers in the doorway for a moment. Steeling himself, Sheldon walks across the room to her kitchen counter.
It's probably best he stay as far as possible from Penny during their conversation. He does not need to be distracted by the utterly pleasant sensation of her light. Sometimes it's what Sheldon imagines is the equivalent of trying to pay attention during a massage. He's never been able to stand someone touching him for so long to even consider verifying this. But it's certainly a thought. And there he goes again, no where in the same room with Penny is ever far enough. Sheldon reigns his thoughts back to the matter at hand.
Taking a deep breath, he decides to jump right in. There is no manner in which he can present this that won't make the information upsetting.
" I have this...Friend." Sheldon begins hesitantly. Implicating Raj from the get go is not a good idea. As he is the least socially aware of his social circle he can't claim to have noticed Raj's current state on his own. Technically he hadn't. His powers had." I believe he's suicidal."
" What?" Penny shrieks, jumping to her feet, and the unearthly light that surrounds her pulses outward. Sheldon, unprepared for such an assault, can only blink, dazed. It occurs to him distantly that he should repeat the words, but all he can manage to do is nod.
Penny begins to pace. Sheldon wishes she would stop. Focusing with her glowing the way she is is hard enough.
"A friend?" Penny asks. Her voice is deliberate careful. Sheldon likens the intense expression on her face to concern. But it's hard to concentrate. Penny's...Aura for lack of better term, always bright, is absolutely blinding, he can almost feel the emotion coming off her. Being metaphysical though, the light doesn't hurt his eyes. Though watching it flicker is oddly mesmerizing.
He forces himself to close his eyes and regain his bearings. When he opens them Penny stands still, her gaze trained on him with an intensity he finds disconcerting.
It finally dawns on Sheldon that Penny's concern is directed at him.
He bites back a snort.
As if he would ever want to end his life. Sheldon found the very idea preposterous. Admittedly there had been some rather...overwhelming days when he first came into his powers. Some very bad days before he'd learned how to cope. But he had recognized them for what they were. He couldn't bring himself to even consider ending his life when so many children's and other peoples were cut so short. He wasn't that selfish, surprisingly enough. And so eventually, they passed.
Now, if they ever got that bad again, Sheldon even had the offer of some relief from Penny. Not that he would need it. Sheldon had been fine before Penny had come along.
And he would be just as fine if she ever left... Eventually. As the colloquialism went; Rome wasn't built in a day.
But this wasn't about him. This was about Raj. So he crossed his arms, forced himself to focus yet again, met Penny's eyes, and said firmly, "A friend."
"So this friend of yours, how do you know he's suicidal?" Penny asked, her light beginning to retreat. So she believed him them, that was good.
" I can't tell you that." Sheldon replied. No doubt informing her of his powers would stretch his credibility. Besides. He'd never told anyone face to face. He was an active member in several online communities. But the idea of having someone who is an active part of his everyday life know terrifies him.
Penny crosses her arms." Can you at least tell me if you know why they're suicidal? Or why you think they are?"
Sheldon nods sharply, that he can do." He's in denial about his homosexuality. I fear acknowledging will push him over the edge. I don't know what to do in such a situation."
For a moment Penny stays silent, deep in thought.
" So he's in the closet?" Penny asks.
" Very much so." Sheldon verifies.
Penny sighs." And you couldn't just take him to a gay strip club?"
" I believe being confronted with his sexuality would lead him to suicide. I have no idea how to go about helping him accept himself." Sheldon says. Penny does not seem to have the answers he hoped for.
She runs a hands through her hair," Have you tried figuring out why he's in denial about it?"
Sheldon opens his mouth to reply that of course he has, before realizing that actually, he hadn't. He had simply assumed that his nonacceptance of his sexuality stemmed from everyone's preconceived notion that he was homosexual. He'd never taken an in depth look. He hadn't thought to.
But if there was a different root. Then there might be something he could do about it.
He smiled." Thank you very much for your assistance Penny."
XxX
See. I update things...Eventually. Seriously, no story is on hiatus unless I've expressly said so. My inability to write for a story at any given time is not me giving up on it. So there's more coming on this monster, promise. It'll just take me a while because holy fuck I do not do angst well. No, seriously, I can't even spell the word right most of the time. This shit is hard.
That said, I could really use some encouragement. And yes this is me shamelessly begging for reviews. Pride? What pride? Who needs that when I'm trying to write? So seriously! Drop me a line!
Unless it's some comment on how this is unrealistic, or a clear violation of your precious cannon. Some falsehood about how Shamy is better than Shenny, or an order to watch the show. What's up with the hate people? Seriously it's fan-FICTION for a reason, I'm allowed to take whatever artistic liberties I want. So cut that shit out!