It was all she could do not to take a personal day the next day.
She knew she would need as many of those as possible throughout the course of her pregnancy, and wasting one just because she was miserable over the way she and Castle had left things the night before was out of the question.
No matter how much she wanted to pull the covers over her head and stay in bed all day.
She needed to go in, though, and wrap up this case- for Amanda, and, in a way, for Castle. This one was personal to him, and maybe wrapping it up was one of the few things she could do right by him. Maybe.
Just keep showing up.
Wasn't that what Montgomery had said was the secret to his marriage? And for so long, Castle had stuck by that advice, showing up no matter what.
Maybe it was her turn?
She should solve the case today. They had a pretty good theory about it, established in light of the new evidence from the security cameras, but ballistics had yet to come back, and there were a number of things she needed to check on before she could be confident they had the right person.
Then, at least, she would have an excuse to go to his place tonight. He would want to know the outcome, and while she respected his need for space, she couldn't help but wonder what this summer would have been like if one of them had stepped up to the plate and pursued the other.
They were equally guilty of that, at least.
Then, if he let her, she would keep showing up. She would prove to him that she wasn't afraid any more, that seeing his heart in those letters was all the reassurance she had needed, and she was pretty sure that he was still every bit as in love with her as he had ever been, too. It might take a while for them to negotiate this, but she was convinced now that it could happen, so long as she didn't screw things up any more.
Picking up her phone, she typed out a quick text, hoping it didn't sound as desperate as she felt.
'Coming in today?'
She waited a few minutes, staring at her screen as if that would somehow speed his response, but there was nothing.
Gathering her things, she rolled her eyes at herself. She was no fawning, fainting girl. She was a woman of action, and as she squared her shoulders to leave her apartment for the day, her mind began to build on her plan of attack.
Castle was awake late into the night, mulling everything over. Ryan had given him his laptop back now that he was no longer a suspect, yet he couldn't bring himself to write anything.
He spent a long time staring out his study window, weighing his emotions, cataloging his reactions.
Finally, he boiled it down to a simple truth: no matter how much he loved Kate Beckett, he wasn't sure he could trust her again. Yet a future without her – and their child – was unthinkable.
They had a lot of work to do, though, before they could move forward.
It was well on its way to 4am before he finally hit the sheets, the matter still not settled in his mind. When he did sleep, finally, it was the heavy, dreamless variety, but when morning greeted him it still contained no answers on how exactly to proceed. Everything was a jumble, and although his daughter had challenged him to go see her, he wasn't sure that would be a good idea just yet.
He got up anyway and went about his morning routine, enjoying the luxury of a long, hot shower. When he finally got out, he dried himself off, then wandered back through to his room to get dressed.
His phone buzzed, the vibration sending it skittering off the side of his bedside table and into the partially open drawer. Crossing to the drawer, he yanked it fully open to find his phone, upsetting the contents and causing everything to fly forward, including one item he had all but forgotten about.
The ring.
The ring he bought before the summer, when he had been so sure he was going to marry Kate.
He picked up the phone with one hand, and the small ring box with the other, flipping it open.
The ring sparkled even in this light, calling out promises to him of a future he wasn't sure he would ever get. Maybe he should just return it to the jewelers.
Glancing at his phone, he saw her message.
'Coming in today?'
He shouldn't. He wanted to, and he didn't want to, and he didn't know what to do. Would seeing her again make things better or worse?
But surely he should at least talk to her first?
She threw herself into her work from the moment she arrived at the precinct. Whether she had blown it completely with Castle or not, she had a job to do – and nothing helped her forget her own heartaches like plunging head first into her all too consuming job. Ballistics had finally come back on the bullet that killed Amanda Hartwell, and it was looking more and more like their suspect was, indeed, their killer.
Her phone rang shortly after nine, and the moment she hung up from the call, she nodded to the guys.
"We've got him. I'm requesting a search warrant now," she said, not even removing her hand from the handset before picking up and dialing again.
A takeout cup smelling unmistakably of peppermint tea appeared before her.
It was all she could do to speak into the phone in a steady voice.
When she was put on hold, he lowered his face to her unoccupied shoulder, whispering "Good morning, Detective," in a voice that was too deep, too intimate, given how they'd left things last night. The sound shot through her in wave after wave, lighting up her entire being, making her veins hum with unexpected arousal.
She slammed her eyes shut, only opening them again as he dropped into the chair by her desk.
Bad move.
Even on a bad day, Richard Castle was an attractive man. Today, he was positively yummy.
The shirt he had been wearing the day before had been too loose to distract her, given his newfound, chiseled physique. Today, he must have delved into the back of his wardrobe for something a little more form fitting, and it was all she could do not to stare, slack jawed, at the way the open-collared, navy blue shirt just accentuated... everything about him.
Breaking out of her stupor, she took a hasty sip of her tea. Her mouth had gone dry.
There was no way she was going to be able to function today with him looking like that.
She wasn't altogether certain she minded not functioning.
Reeling her thoughts back in, she managed to request the search warrant without her voice shaking too noticeably.
Thankfully, he didn't seem aware of her preoccupation. If anything, he was wrestling with something in his own mind, frown lines puckering his forehead.
Finally, she was able to hang up the phone. Raising her voice so the boys could hear, she called "We got it. He's sending it through in a few minutes." Turning to Castle, she jerked her head toward the break room. "Got a minute?" she asked softly.
He nodded, standing and following her through to the relative privacy of the break room. She shut the door behind them, and they settled down at the table opposite one another.
He cleared his throat, shifting his weight in his seat, looking anywhere but at her.
She broke the silence. "I wasn't expecting to see you today. I'm glad you came in."
His lips quirked into the briefest of half-smiles. "I wasn't going to." He raised his eyes, and finally looked directly at her. "I'm still mad."
She nodded in agreement, almost too quickly. "You have every right to be."
He sighed. "I told Mother and Alexis. I figured they had the right to know. Turns out Mother already had an inkling from running into you a week or two back."
"Did they take it okay?" she asked quietly.
He dropped his head. "Better than I did. Though that's not hard."
She had no idea what to say, how to make it better, so she said nothing in the hope that it would encourage him to speak.
Richard Castle was rarely silent for long.
Eventually it paid off. He huffed a deep breath, and started speaking again. "I didn't want to come in today, because it feels like every time we have an argument, you run, and I chase you. Thing is, Kate, I said 'always', and I meant it. Love is choice, and in the end, I'm still in love with you, and I think I'm always going to be. If I were to lose you just because I'm angry at the moment... I would regret it. On the other hand, I can't keep doing this. I don't know what to do any more." He finished on a sigh, his whole demeanor shouting defeat.
Oh, Castle.
She swallowed, willing her emotions back- not because she wanted to hide them from him, but because a corner of her was still aware that they were still in the precinct, and she hated her personal life being aired as fodder for gossip. Their personal life belonged to them, and them alone.
She opened her mouth to speak, and, as if on cue, the door opened behind her, and Ryan's voice interrupted them. "Warrant's in. Time to move," he said.
"There in a moment," she replied, sending him away with a pointed look, before turning back to her partner. He raised miserable eyes to meet hers as she slid off her stool, but rather than heading for the door, she rounded the table toward him, reaching forward and gently cupping his face in both her hands. "All I need from you is to keep showing up. I promise you, I will pursue you this time. I'm done running anywhere but to you. Please, Castle, all I ask is that you catch me when I reach you." Her voice was breaking by the end.
He reached up, and gently took her wrists, removing her hands from his face. She tried to catch his eyes again, but he had dropped them once more.
"Time to arrest a killer, Beckett," he said quietly.
She wanted to weep, to throw herself at his feet and beg, but he was right – she had to go.
"Come with me?" she asked, desperate to have as much of him as he would allow.
He shrugged. "You don't really need me there."
She took his hand and tugged him to his feet, waiting til he was upright so that she could step into his personal space and catch his eye properly.
"I will always need you," she said fiercely.
He seemed to ponder this a moment, then nodded to himself. Squeezing her hand and looking her squarely in the eye for the first time since he arrived at the precinct, her heart leaped, finally daring to hope.
"Lead the way, Detective," he said, screwing his face into the best smile he could muster, and she smiled shyly back. Taking hold of her courage, she lifted his hand to her lips to plant a kiss there, before letting it go, squaring her shoulders, and morphing into Detective Beckett once more.
She sauntered to the door, glancing over her shoulder when she realized he wasn't immediately behind her.
"You coming, Castle?" she asked with her usual sauciness, for old times' sake, at least.
He hesitated, but when he responded, it was with his usual banter, and she was so relieved she could have wept.
"Only for you, Kate."
"How far along are you?" he asked suddenly, breaking the awkward silence that had descended in her cruiser the moment they pulled out of the parking garage.
He had been staring straight ahead, but when she didn't answer, he glanced at her.
"Kate?"
She bit on her bottom lip, shooting him a coy look from the corner of her eye. "Fourteen weeks," she said, her voice low, but pleased.
The thought struck him then. She was pleased about this baby. She was pleased to be sharing about it with him. She was pleased he was asking, in spite of everything.
"Fourteen weeks..." he murmured, trying to count back dates.
"The day of the bomb, as much as I can guess. I can't remember if I took my pill that day, or if the stress of it all did something to my body chemistry to mess with it – all I know is that we did a hell of a lot of celebrating life that night."
He couldn't help but smile lazily at the memory. "Four rounds, if I remember correctly."
"Five, if you count the shower," she shot back. "Not quite our record, but getting closer."
He grinned, images flashing in his mind's eye. The night in question had certainly been memorable.
Apparently lastingly so.
His grin fell away abruptly. They still had far too much to talk about.
"I take it you're happy about it? I mean, you're choosing to keep it..." he said, shifting in his seat, unsure of her reaction.
Sure enough, she went very, very quiet. She flicked her blinker on and pulled into a parking space just down the block from their destination, turning to face him before he could get out of the car.
She looked him dead in the eye.
"I'm not running from this conversation. I want to have it with you, but I have to be in cop mode now. For the record, though, as terrified as I still am about all of this, this child is a piece of you and a result of our love for each other. In spite of all my other mistakes, there is no way I could let that slip through my fingers – even if it means some of my professional dreams have to be put aside to make it happen," she said, voice unwavering.
He nodded, one or two of the broken pieces inside him somehow coming back together, healed by her words. He glanced out at the street where Ryan, Espo, and a few uniforms were congregating. Their time, for now, was up.
"Looks like you have a job to do, Detective," he said, nodding toward her colleagues. She followed his gaze, then glanced back at him. He could have sworn he saw disappointment in her eyes, but she squared her shoulders and opened the door, joining the group on the sidewalk.
They had a killer to arrest.
She strode into the kitchen, flanked by her partner and a couple of uniforms. It seemed everyone was busy doing something, but this early in the day, it was at the slightly more laid back pace of prep work rather than the breakneck speed of meal time. Technically, the restaurant wasn't even open yet, and, until their presence was noticed, cheerful, bantering conversation was being thrown about.
Everything ground to a halt, though, as she stood in the doorway, her badge held up for all to see.
She only had eyes for one staff member, though, her eyes pinning him from across the room. "Diego Rodriguez, you are under arrest for the murder of Amanda Hartwell," she announced calmly.
The young man stared at her, panicked, while the rest of the staff gaped in stupefied wonder.
Kate approached him slowly, but her movement was enough to startle him.
Next moment, there was pandemonium, as Diego grabbed the nearest knife - a huge, sharp, sinister looking thing – and began brandishing it wildly. His coworkers backed away to the opposite side of the kitchen.
Kate reached for her gun, in complete control. "Diego, put it down," she ordered.
Instead of heeding her order, he grabbed one of his coworkers who was loitering a little too close – a gangly looking teenager who was barely old enough to be out of school, holding the lad as a human shield.
"No, you put it down!" he shouted. "All I've ever done was try to build a life. She's the one who threw it all away. Not me!"
"Diego, put the knife down," she commanded again, her tone stronger than before.
"She cheated on me! She's the one who threw it all away!" he screamed, panicking as he backed himself and the kid toward the back door, pressing against the bar of the emergency exit with his elbow. By now, Kate and the uniforms were closing in steadily, fanning out around him, Castle right beside her – out of the way, but prepared for anything.
She was so grateful he had her back.
Diego finally managed to get the door open, and in one swift move, he pushed the kid straight into her and dashed out into the alley behind the restaurant.
She barely had a chance to steady the boy, moving him to the side so she could charge out into the alley after Diego, but she had a feeling she wouldn't need to run too far.
Sure enough, Esposito and Ryan had been waiting, weapons drawn, and Diego had no where to go.
He circled around a couple of times, brandishing the knife at each of the detectives in turn, but they were all spread out, ranging around him at just the right distance that they were out of reach, and he had nowhere to go. Whichever way he turned, there was someone behind him.
Even as she joined her team, Esposito and Ryan were shouting commands at Diego-
"Drop the knife!"
"Drop it and get on your knees!"
"Diego." She deliberately pitched her tone lower than Ryan and Esposito's shouting, still completely in command, appealing to his rational side over his panic. He spun around to face her, his expression terrified. "Drop the knife," she instructed again.
Defeated, he did as she said.
She maintained eye contact. "Good work. Now, slowly, I want you to put your hands on your head, then get on your knees. Can you do that?"
He nodded, eyes pleading with her as he did what she said. His knees barely touched the ground before Esposito moved forward to cuff him and read him his rights. It wasn't until one of the uniforms stepped forward to help pick Diego up off the ground that she finally stood down, placing her weapon carefully back into the holster.
Turning, she found Castle standing behind her still, and she raised one eyebrow at him.
He gave her the briefest of nods in reply, but it was the pride shining out of his eyes that helped her walk a little taller, giving her the extra confidence boost she didn't know she needed as the adrenaline of the arrest suddenly began to dissipate.
"Mr. Rodriguez, I'm Detective Beckett, this is Mr. Castle."
He loved watching the way she took complete command of the room from the moment she stepped inside.
"Detective, I'm Lance Hudson, court appointed attorney for Mr. Rodriguez. You have nothing but circumstantial evidence on this murder charge, Detective, and I demand you set my client free."
Castle seated himself next to his partner, wishing he had popcorn. Nothing was more fun than a front row seat to watch Beckett have a lawyer for a late lunch.
He watched as Kate leaned back in her chair, completely casual and at ease. "Circumstantial. Really? That's what you're going with?"
The lawyer glared at her. "You can't goad me, Detective. You have nothing but the misinterpreted words of a man panicking because your goon squad came after him at his workplace with excessive force."
"If you're talking about his confession at the time of his arrest – yes, we do have that, of course," Kate agreed easily, her friendly tone holding just a hint of menace.
"If that's all you have then I demand..." he began again, but she ignored him and turned to Castle instead.
"Did I say that was all I had?" she asked, not quite playfully.
He shrugged, playing along immediately. "I didn't hear you say so, but maybe I'm getting a little hard of hearing. Of course," he turned to the lawyer, "It would be much easier to hear specifically what the good Detective here does have on your client if you weren't speaking over her." He turned on his most charming smile.
The lawyer glared back, and Beckett ignored both of them. She turned to Diego, who was cowering in his seat. "Mr. Rodriguez, would you care to explain your whereabouts on the day of the murder."
"My client declines to answer," Hudson replied smoothly, but Beckett didn't even so much as glance at him.
"The issue we have, you see, Diego, is that when you gave your statement to Detectives Ryan and Esposito, you told them you were at work all day. Problem is, your boss tells us you took an unusually long lunch break that day."
"So my client isn't allowed a lunch break? You'll have to do better than that, Detective," Hudson interjected.
"If he was just going out for a sandwich, why did he lie about it? Diego, you're only hurting yourself by not cooperating here." Her tone went from being sharp with the lawyer to soft with their suspect.
Castle watched the way his shoulders slumped, and guessed it wouldn't take much to get him to talk. A confession and a guilty plea would wrap a nice, pretty bow on the whole thing.
"We also had a search warrant, Diego, and do you know what we found inside your locker at work? A spare sweater that we sent through to the lab. Can you tell me how gunpowder residue got on the sweater, Diego?" she continued to speak in a quiet, gentle voice, as if it were only the two of them in the room.
Diego shifted in his seat, eyes fixed firmly on the table, and shook his head.
"My client declines to comment," Hudson bleated in the background, but one look at his face and Castle knew this was all news to the lawyer.
Kate shifted forward, hands clasped on the table, ducking a little in an attempt to catch his eye.
"Diego, we found your brother's gun where you threw it, in the dumpster in the alley behind the restaurant. You did a pretty good job of wiping it clean, but we found your fingerprints on the bullets inside. We've already run ballistics on it, and it's a match for the bullet that killed Amanda. Now, the DA is prepared to offer you a deal, but we have more than enough to convict you without a confession."
Finally, his eyes flickered up to meet Kate's.
"Have you ever lost someone you thought would be yours forever, Detective?" he asked, eyes full of anguish. "Have you ever been wrong about the only person that you ever thought you could build a life with?"
"Don't say any more, Diego. I'll want to see the terms from the DA," Hudson interjected, but no one was listening to him.
"I have. Different circumstances, but yes, I have," she replied gently.
"What did you do about it?" he asked.
"I let him go. Hurt like hell. But do you know what, Diego? He came back. We're still working things out, but it was never any more than a delay," she said.
Diego's face crumpled. "I was just so angry," he whispered. "And now she's gone, and it's all my fault."
"Don't say any more! Detective, I need a moment with my client," Hudson demanded.
Castle leaned forward, looking at the distraught Diego. "You're doing the right thing, Diego. It's the one thing you can do for Amanda now- own up to what you did like a man."
Diego straightened in his chair. "I'll accept your offer, and plead guilty, Detective." His voice broke a little as he added, "For Amanda."
Beckett nodded. "I'll talk to the DA and let her know that you're cooperating. You're making the right choice, Diego," she said, before gathering her things and standing.
Castle stood, too, and followed her out, happy to leave Hudson's indignant jabbering behind him, and in the corridor, they joined Gates, Ryan, and Esposito, who had all been in the observation room.
"Excellent work, all of you," Gates congratulated them. "I'll have another talk to the DA. Given that he's willing to work with us, I'm sure there will be a reasonable offer on the table. Detective Beckett, you've been in especially fine form today."
"Thank you, Sir. This one really goes to the whole team, though," Kate insisted, and Gates nodded, glancing at Castle.
"Having one's whole team, and especially one's partner, does lend itself to a certain amount of peace of mind, doesn't it?" she commented, before excusing herself.
"If I didn't know better, I'd say she's rolling out the red carpet for if you decide to come back permanently, Castle," Ryan teased.
"That's the warmest I've ever seen her," Esposito chipped in.
Castle exchanged an awkward glance with Beckett. There was still so much to work out, and he wasn't totally sure he wanted to come back at this point. Not while he didn't feel like he could trust her – although he hoped in his heart that this was indeed just a speed bump that they'd be able to work their way through, but maybe being partners again wasn't the solution to that.
Maybe they needed some time to just learn how to be Rick and Kate with one another.
Kate was moving toward the bullpen already, though, the boys flanking her. Ryan stopped her before she made it all the way to her desk with a hand on her arm. Castle couldn't hear what was being said, but after a painful looking elbow in the ribs, Esposito was agreeing to whatever it was, and Kate was nodding slowly. The three Detectives each headed for their respective desk.
Weird.
The boys settled in to do paperwork, but Kate was collecting her things. He hurried to join her.
"What's going on?" he asked.
"Are you hungry? I didn't really eat this morning," she replied, throwing on a light jacket and waving to the boys, striding toward the elevators. He fell into step beside her, taking her elbow to get her attention as she hit the button.
"Shouldn't you be doing paperwork?" he asked.
"The boys have offered to do my share," she said. "Keep up, Castle."
She stepped onto the elevator.
He hesitated, but the truth was, he'd still follow her anywhere. Even now.
He stepped in after her, and the doors closed behind him.
She found a parking space not too far from one of their favorite delis, located just across the road from the park she had come to think of as theirs, and after a quick debate, they decided to take their food to go.
It was a beautiful early autumn day. The sun wasn't quite as burning hot as it was in the height of summer, and it was actually quite pleasant to be outdoors. They made a beeline for their swings, in sync as ever.
She watched with amusement as he enthusiastically unwrapped his sandwich and dug in, laughing quietly at his moans of appreciation for his food. He paused when he realized she wasn't eating, food raised halfway to his mouth, still chewing on the previous mouthful.
She smiled self-consciously as he raised an eyebrow at her, non-verbally inquiring why she was staring at him and not eating, and she took a delicate bite, throwing a smirk at him as she deliberately contrasted his gluttony with her daintiness.
Her mouth went dry as he swallowed, her eyes straying down to follow the bob of his Adam's apple, distracting her from her quest to find a way to begin their conversation.
He beat her to it. "Not that I don't appreciate skipping out of work and having lunch, Beckett, but, uh... why are we here?"
She blushed, caught, and ducked her head, nibbling at her food as a cover. "I thought we should talk some more. I thought..." She took a deep breath, forcing herself to meet his eyes. "I thought that you might have questions, now that the initial surprise is done with, and I thought it would be better to talk about it all away from the precinct."
She lowered her sandwich, while he took the last bite of his, balling the wrapper and shoving it into his pocket. Swallowing again, he nodded.
"Thank you," he said unexpectedly.
Her eyebrows shot up. "For what?"
He sighed. "For this. For opening the lines of communication."
She lowered her head. "I haven't done enough of that. I want to make it up to you, but there's no sense in trying to rebuild this relationship if we don't begin by learning how to communicate."
"So that's something you want then?" he asked. She jerked her head up to stare at him, to find him surveying their surroundings a little too casually.
How much had she hurt him that he would try to cover up his feelings now? Clearly this was a defense mechanism.
"I read your letters, Castle. I have nothing to offer you in return – no journal, or any way of letting you know what was in my mind since we separated – or before then. I'm offering you me. Now. A free pass. Ask me any questions you like about this summer... or the baby."
His breath hitched as she uttered the last word. His eyes strayed across until they rested on her abdomen, before snapping up to meet hers.
"I almost don't know where to begin. I guess... do you want me to be a part of this child's life, Kate? Because you know I want to be. How will we arrange custody? Are you going to keep your place or find somewhere bigger? I've done it alone, Kate, and it's hard, but I understand..." His voice trailed off miserably.
She wanted to scream the obvious answer at him, but she couldn't force him to invite her into his home. Instead, she cleared her throat, and tried to find a more diplomatic response. "There's a lot of time before this baby is due – almost six months. A lot of my plans have changed these past few days. Castle, I don't want to do this alone. I never did. I want you to be involved. I want you to be a part of all of it. I just... I don't know how to prove that to you."
He sighed again, heavily. "I'm never not going to love you, Kate. Believe me, I've tried, more than once. I just don't know that I can trust you not to run again. It's as simple as that."
She turned her head away, trying to blink back her tears. This was all wrong. It wasn't supposed to happen this way. "Dammit, Castle! Fight for this!" she exploded. "Please! I get that I screwed up. I get that. I know I hurt you, and I will keep apologizing for as long as it takes, but I read those letters and you say you still love me, but you're shutting down on me all over again, and that's what got us into this mess to begin with. I love you, Castle. I thought you stopped, and I made the wrong choice, and I'm sorry, but we have a baby to think about, too, and I'm trying here! Tell me what I can do to fix this!"
His entire body jerked, as if he was about to say something but censored himself, withdrawing.
"Castle...?" she pleaded.
He shook his head. "You won't do it, and it's unfair of me to even suggest it under these circumstances."
"How can I refuse to do it if I don't know what it is? Please, Castle, I want to make this right. Tell me!" she commanded.
He sighed, stretching his long legs til he was almost standing within the confines of the swing. One hand strayed to his pocket as he mulled things over to himself, and then, almost shrugging to himself as if to say to hell with it, he settled the swing so he was sitting properly once more, and looked her in the eye, his entire demeanor different.
Suddenly sure.
And his eyes were more intense than she had ever seen them.
Compelling.
"We've both hurt each other more than either of us imagined was possible. We've both made mistakes along the way, we've both been guilty of not trusting each other when the truth is, we've been through enough together that we should know better. I've had to battle for you again and again. It's who you are. You don't let people in, and I've wanted to give up on you so many times – but I can't, because the only thing harder than being with you is being without you."
He slid off the swing and kneeled before her. Her eyebrows drew together in consternation.
Surely he wasn't going to...?
"Katherine Houghton Beckett, will you marry me?"
Thoughts?