Of Psychics and Physicists
by: muaaimoi
Despite his Penny induced epiphany, Sheldon wasn't sure what his plan of action should be exactly. His powers have never worked with any kind of logical sense. If not for the constant way suicide flowed through Raj's mind, he would have never caught it. There are truths about people, impressions of who they really are, that have always jumped out at him from the first introduction, but the information is seldom relevant to his interactions with them. What did he care that someone's favorite animal is a hippopotamus, or that they had a tragic childhood incident with a tricycle that rendered them infertile? There is no rhyme or reason to what he receives.
His knowledge of Raj's childhood and subsequent repressed homosexuality came from the initial impression. But he had simply filed it away with every other useless bit of information he'd gleaned over the years. Sheldon doesn't know how to divine more without bringing up the subject. There were times when his abilities could be spectacularly useless. He's left in a blurry grey area, a place that leaves him wanting to help without actively making the problem worse. He simply didn't know how to do that.
Penny catches him off guard when she corners him two days later.
"You were talking about Raj weren't you?"Penny demands.
All Sheldon could do was blink, shocked. It hadn't even occurred to him that she might have figured it out for herself. If not for his powers, Sheldon himself would have never known. Raj can't even speak to Penny, how could she have possibly known? Where there other signs he was unaware of? And if so, why had no one else noticed?
"No!"he claims, but he can feel himself twitch at the falsehood.
"I knew it!" Penny crowed, pride shining through for a moment and flooded him with a bone deep contentment. Then abruptly, it vanished, her light curling back towards her morosely."I knew it."Penny repeated softly."He's so lonely most of the time. And it's not just the whole not talking to me thing. I mean-he pretty much only whispers to Howard. Even when you or Leonard are closer. But Sheldon, how did you figure it out?"
"We work together." Sheldon stalled, thinking furiously,"After extended exposure it became quite obvious."
Solely to his psychic ability, true, but Penny didn't know about that.
"Does Leonard know?" Penny demands,"Does Howard? How could you guys just ignore something like that? That is not okay Sheldon!"
Sheldon can grant her that, but if there are other signs, enough for Penny to notice then, well-his friends are not people known for their virtues. Neither is he, come to think of it."I imagine they ignored the signs for reasons similar to the ones I had. I have no idea how to go about dealing with it. I planned to ask you due to your social expertise before-but you pointed out that I did not in fact know the root cause. I cannot go about looking for a solution until I understand the actual problem."
"Actual problem?"Penny snarled, her aura all but assaulting in her outrage."You can't just fix him Sheldon! He isn't a machine, he's a person, people don't just magically get better from stuff like this. He needs therapy, and maybe pills, I don't know. But you can't really think that you can just instantly make it better if you figure out where the problem comes from!"
"But why can't I?"Sheldon asks, dismayed. There went all of his plans of making Raj better. Things were actually easier with ghosts. Ghosts could be appeased easily enough. Bring their murderer to justice, let their friends and families know they loved them, tell some family member about some hidden cache of wealth. Then they would be appeased and move on. Why couldn't figuring out what was wrong with Raj fix him? He was broken, didn't that mean he required it?
"Because you just can't!"Penny scolded,"Because people can't be fixed, they heal. It takes time, and it's not pretty. Some people don't manage it all the way, but it happens. They get better. And we are going to help Raj get better if it's the last thing we do."
"It is? You just said we can't just make him better."Sheldon protests. He tried to figure out what was wrong so he could fix it, what else can he be expected to do?
"But we can be there for him while he's down. He needs our help, he needs to know we're there for him. I mean you said he was suicidal Sheldon, that's dangerous. I don't know how Leonard and Raj are ignoring this if even you could tell. The cowards."
"To be fair, Rajesh does act the same way he always has around them, and I highly doubt they have any frame of reference for suicidal behavior."Sheldon defends,"That aside, you are the most socially capable of our social group and you didn't notice until I pointed it out."
Penny sighed,"There is that. Wait-frame or reference, isn't that like an example? If you said they don't have one, Sheldon, sweetie, does that mean you do?"
Sheldon thought about the dark thoughts and memories that haunt his dreams. The fear and the pain, the agony of a prolonged end to existence. The way the shadows Raj's misery were clear to him in a way none of his other thoughts were. He does not have a frame of reference for suicide, he doesn't think. But he knows well the feeling of a soul that has wished for death. He could tell Penny; for the first time in his life, he thinks he could tell someone face to face. He could actually picture himself doing so. Unleash his demons, even if she believes he was insane, she already thought him very far from the norm, she wouldn't try to lock him up. He looks into Penny's concerned green eyes, the promise of relief her light held, and balked.
"I don't want to talk about it."He whispers instead.
Penny's light wrapped around him in a warm embrace, despite the way she's holding her hands in fists stiffly at her side. Her desire to hug and comfort him were too clear for any willful ignorance. She bit her lip, no doubt stemming a flow of words meant to soothe his pain.
"I'm going to ask Raj to come over tonight."She said, instead of spewing her sympathy. He'd appreciated it."Come over at nine, there's going to be beer."
He nodded his concession. It's was a relief to turn away. He didn't look forward to what the night would hold.
x
Thanks a bunch to crazyshay77 for cleaning this up for me, she is an awesome beta! Any mistakes are ninja like and totally my fault.
That said, so sorry about taking forever with this-it's been half written for months and then you guys started showing interest again and I actually remembered. Sorry I'm such a spaz :( I'm trying to be better about updating.