(1) I put a lot of time and effort into this one because it is quite close to home. I hope that anyone who has struggled with the same thing takes the time to get help, because yes, even though it is a scary thing, it is the best thing you can do for yourself.
(2) Any suggestions for the next chapter would be great, along with feedback. I was thinking something pertaining to a club, and maybe based off of the "Neon Lights" video?
(3) Recommending listening is "Adore You" by Miley Cyrus, and "Unconditionally" by Katy Perry.
It's Better To Feel Pain, Than Nothing At All
She's getting that feeling again; the awful push and pull in her chest, like her heart is just withering away to nothing. It makes her stomach drop and her head spin too. And it has everything to do with the gorgeous brunette across the room.
Dani has been stuck behind the counter of the bar at work for five hours now, serving alcohol to disgusting, pig-like men who hit on her every chance they get. She has also been watching her girlfriend of six months take an order from a petite blonde girl for the past minute or so, and this girl is just being way to overly friendly for her comfort zone. The other blonde is laughing at everything Santana says, although she doubts it's even funny, and when the girl reaches out to touch Santana's arm and she smiles back, Dani almost jumps over the counter to claim what is rightfully hers.
Granted, Santana has done nothing to flirt back except smile, the familiar feeling wells up in her chest, like an ember of a fire that's not ready to give up its flame.
Dani shakes all thoughts from her head for a moment and turns away from the problem, opening the fridge to start stacking numerous beer and wine bottles on top of each other. Santana eventually walks up to stand behind her, and reaches to rest her hands on Dani's hips, but Dani jumps in surprise, knocking a few bottles from there spot. They crash together, loud enough to draw attention, but not hard enough to break. Santana's brow creases together, her eyes darting back and forth to try to catch Dani's gaze, but Dani won't look at her. "Babe, are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine," she replies hurriedly, and bends down to pick up the bottles that have started to roll around. "I just need to get this cleaned up, and then..."
"Dani, I'll get it," Santana says, bending down on her knees to gently grab Dani's jaw, forcing her to look at her straight. Her brown eyes are big and round, Santana's not even sure she's breathing. "Why don't you take a break? Get some fresh air." Santana slowly reaches to grip Dani's shoulders, careful not to frighten her again, and helps her from the ground. She just kind of stares ahead, and needs way more support than Santana expects when she rests almost all of her weight on Santana, practically curling into her like a small child. "Jesus, are you sure you're alright?"
"Yeah, I just have to… yeah."
Dani turns around to see the same blonde girl Santana had just waited on staring fiercely in their direction. She shoots her the bitchiest expression she can muster in her frazzled state, and walks through the doors into the hectic streets of New York.
It's no surprise when Santana joins Dani outside fifteen minutes later. She simply offers her hand to Dani, who reluctantly takes it and is pulled to her feet, following wherever Santana leads. It has never really made sense to Dani how Santana can get out of anything, even an eight hour shift at work. It's a skeptical subject, which usually involves some sort of inappropriate persuasion of Gunther, their boss, but Dani has no more time to question Santana's interesting tactics though, for in her hazy state, Santana has walked them directly to her apartment.
Her hands are shaking terribly as she attempts to align the key perfectly in the slot. Dani sighs, and tears come to her eyes, because is this really getting the best of her? She feels Santana's soft and reassuring hands wrap around hers, gently taking the key from her hands and unlocking the door in seconds.
Dani's apartment is probably a third of the size of Rachel, Santana, and Kurt's. For the most part, it's a two room space; the kitchen and living room are connected, and the living room branches off into a bedroom-bathroom area. There are clothes and dishes everywhere, and it's a different look from Rachel's overly-obsessive-clean policy. It's kind of cute, Santana thinks, as she guides Dani inside and shuts the door, but that thought soon flies from her mind when she remembers what she's here for.
Santana easily finds a seat on the couch, because she's exhausted from constantly working, but Dani instantly starts pacing in front of her.
"Are you going to tell me what's wrong?" Santana asks, rubbing her temples.
"I can't… I don't- I don't think you would understand," Dani replies, her voice cracking.
Santana sighs, and takes a moment to calm her worrying, which is increasing to anger, before speaking. "Well the only way I'm going to remotely understand anything is if you try and explain it to me," she says, in an overly-done-with-this-already voice.
"Fine," Dani snaps, raising her voice for the first time in six months. "What was that girl's name at table twelve today, huh? The cute, skinny one, who was just laughing, and having a well-rounded swell time while you were there. You seemed to hit it off real nice."
"Christ Dani, I have no idea!" Santana evenly retorts, "I don't know her name. And she wasn't cute, at all. Her laugh was annoying too. You know that I was just trying to get a good tip."
Dani huffs, and crosses her arms, looking everywhere but at Santana.
"What is wrong with you? And why won't you tell me anything, or for fuck's sake, look at me," Santana pleads, grabbing Dani's arm.
"I'm getting bad again," Dani whimpers, and then bursts into tears, collapsing in Santana's arms.
It catches Santana entirely off guard, but she immediately wraps her arms around Dani, holding every ounce of her that she can as she begins rocking back and forth. She's not just crying, she's sobbing, and her whole body is trembling. So violently, that Santana has to grab hold of her arms again to attempt and hold her still.
"Dani," she says, a terrified urgency in her voice.
But Dani doesn't answer; she's still choking on sobs, and Santana can feel patches of tears beginning to form on the shoulder of her uniform.
"Danielle," she practically yells, reaching for the sides of Dani's face for the second time today to ensure that she looks her in the eye. "What the hell is going on?"
"I…" she stutters, and curls into Santana's lap even more, resting her chin on her collar bone. "I used to hate myself," she finally states, sounding out of breath. The words echo throughout her apartment in an eerie way. "My junior year was when it all started. I used to get bullied for my weight, to the extent where I would try to stay home every day. So I forced myself to…to throw up."
Santana's not even sure she's breathing because she can't ever imagine the person who showed up at the perfect time in her life, ever hating herself. So she slowly keeps rocking her back and forth, and listens, because that's all that there is left to do.
"The bullying didn't stop though," Dani continues, tears still flooding her eyes, "and that's when I started cutting myself, and drowning my sorrows in alcohol and drugs. Anything that could numb the pain, I was willing to try. I was throwing up in closets, and drinking vodka out of water bottles. That's when I met Sophia, the girl my parents caught me with.
She turned my world upside-down, and got me help faster than my parents ever would. I fell in love with her quicker than I could have imagined, and just when I was actually getting better, and healing, that's when my parents freaked out on me. And that's when I ran."
Santana's managed not to cry, even though the air feels thin and the lights are aggressively bright, and there's a dazed feeling in her head, like someone just kicked her off of a roller coaster before the big drop.
She's seen Dani's tattoos; she's even ran her hands over them and felt every curvature of the ink as it spells out 'Stay Strong' or 'Faith'. But now, as her hands cautiously let go of Dani's arms to trace the letters on her trembling wrists, she allows herself to feel past the words and the ink and the meaning, to the pain and the scars that reside there. Dani moves after a moment, slowly slipping her wrists out of Santana's hands to wrap her arms around Santana's middle, clutching with a ferocity that Santana is unfamiliar with.
They've never been here, in a place of uncertainty. This, the thing between them, the knowledge that it would always be them against the world; it's not something either of them had ever questioned. Santana whimpers, burrowing against Dani's smooth skin, and prays for the right to stay here forever. Forget work, and New York, and Funny Girl. All she wants is Dani. Everything else can go to hell.
Things are going to be figured out, probably soon. Who's going to watch Dani, and make sure she never feels that way again. Santana knows they could do so much better the second time around. She knows Dani could spend less time hating herself, or drowning her sorrows, and spend more time writing songs, and playing guitar. Santana knows that if she had a do over, she would spend less time sleeping around and fighting who she is, and spend more time loving the only person who believed in her.
But life doesn't come with a re-set button, and even as she tucks her chin into Dani's shoulder and Dani chokes out one last sob, she knows it. There is no getting away from reality.
"I just need someone to love me as much as I hated myself," Dani whispers, in one last attempt to express how she feels.
"I do," Santana gasps, squeezing her eyes shut and pressing her face to the juncture of Dani's shoulder, straining for air. "I love you."
Dani's hands tighten around Santana's middle again, secure, like Santana's going to suddenly disappear into thin air. Santana feels horrible because she's miserable. Dani is miserable, which is awful, because this should be a happy time.
"And when I say I love you, it's not because I want you or can't have you," Santana adds, finally allowing tears to well up in her eyes as well, because God, she's been feeling this for far too long, and Rachel was exactly right. Dani does love her, and it feels like high school all over again. "It has nothing to do with me. I love who you are, and how you try your hardest at everything. I've seen your kindness and strength, and I've seen the best and now the worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity why you did those things. Quite frankly, that made you one hell of a person Dani."
Dani doesn't say anything, but her hands are speaking volumes. She draws back from their embrace; just enough to look at Santana, to tip her chin up and gaze at her, those brown eyes just screaming for forgiveness. She looks so sad, so guilty, and all Santana can do is lift her arms and close her eyes as she unbuttons her uniform. All Santana can so is reach for her with newly bared arms, stripping off her clothing piece by piece, until they sit amidst the wrinkles and rubble and just stare- Dani's eyes follow her every breath and the length of her arms, letting out an uneasy gulp of air as it comes, and her lips turn down. Santana thinks she might cry again, so she immediately stops, fumbling to hold Dani's hands.
"I love you too," is all Dani says, and it's more than Santana can deal with right now.
She lunges at Dani's mouth, raining an assault of kisses across Dani's parted lips. She lunges with the sole intention of burying herself in Dani, and Dani catches her- but barely, as if she had no idea it was coming. Dani falls out of Santana's lap, her feet skidding on the carpet. Santana nudges, and Dani sinks into the couch cushions, mercilessly pulling Santana on top of her, guiding Santana's legs around her hips until she is pressed flush against her stomach.
There are so many things Santana can't deal with right now; the idea that Dani might be giving up-might have already given up a long time ago without saying anything- is at the top of that list. Dani has always seemed so strong, so remotely happy, but right now, she seems petrified. Hollow.
So Santana kisses Dani with wet, half angry strokes, misery lacing every touch. She kisses Dani like she is never going to do it again.
It's not even kissing or a conversation as much as a relapse. Dani's chest tightens, and she sees herself standing over the sink, feeling insignificant as she watches crimson tears spill from her wrists. And just when she's about to give up, and end it all, Santana is there to grab the knife from her hands and hold her as she collapses to the floor. Santana, on the other hand, finds herself already on her knees, her legs trembling and her hands running fervently through her sweaty charcoal hair as she cries, and realizes for the first time that she loves Brittany. But all of that is gone, a ghost of the past, and they both know that sometimes you just need a good place to start.
Dani, trembling, touching everywhere she can reach in her mere panicked urgency, kisses Santana back, and Santana knows she is still crying. She can feel it in the ragged rise and fall of Dani's breasts, in the clench of her stomach muscles as they rub against her. There's salt between them, and Santana isn't really sure who it belongs to, but Dani is repeating 'I Love You' like a prayer, like restoration, etching the syllables on Santana's tongue.
In a desperate fury, Santana reaches to yank Dani's panties down her legs and kisses a trail from her breasts, down to her stomach, to the inside of her thigh; savoring the way her skin tastes as if it's the last meal she will ever have. There's something freeing about Dani whispering 'fuck me' and Santana complying without thought. Dani's hand glides to the top of Santana's head, and pushes down, forcing her to inhale the musk of sex as her tongue rolls in sweet circles, making Dani's jaw go slack. Santana's knees dig into the floor, her head bobbing at Dani's command, planting long kisses at Dani's entrance that makes her fist tighten in her hair. Even on her knees, murmuring 'yes' to Dani's every demand, she knows. Dani is her girl.
And she wouldn't get on her knees for anyone else.
Title taken from The Lumineers "Stubborn Love"