Chapter 19

It had only been a couple of days before Steve finally snuck into Zaria's room at the Stark Tower late one evening. It had taken longer for him to crack than Zaria thought, but he still cracked and there he was standing by the door, looking sheepish and apologetic.

Zaria sighed through her nose as she composed herself; she had been taking meditation lessons from Bruce so as to help avoid any more near miscarriage scares like the last time. After a moment of silence, where Steve stood quietly by the door, waiting with surprising patience, he must have known about the need for as much calm as possible, she opened her eyes and looked at him.

"What's up?" She tried to keep her voice pleasant and as neutral as possible. It was a struggle; the sight of him was like salt in the raw and jagged wound in her heart that refused to close.

"I thought we could talk..." He started as he stepped away from the door.

"Okay." She answered as she took a seat in one of the chairs in her room.

"Okay?" Steve echoed his voice struggled between surprised and relieved.

"Yeah, but if I say you need to leave you're going to leave without arguing. Sound fair?"

"Yeah that sounds fair." He made his way over and sat down on the other chair across from Zaria. They sat there in silence, staring at each other, Zaria's hand on her stomach and Steve leaning forward in the chair with his hands clasped, forearms resting on his knees.

"So..." Zaria said as they continued to stare at each other.

Steve started, almost like he had forgotten he was sitting in the same room with another person. "Are you in pain?" He asked as he noticed her rubbing her stomach. "Can I do anything to help?"

Zaria shook her head. "No, I'm not in any pain, it's just pressure, and I think I can feel the baby kicking but I don't know for sure."

"Can I... Can I feel?"

Zaria smiled. "Sure," she answered as she sat forward on the chair, tucking her legs down and took his hand and placed it against the lower half of her stomach. They sat there in silence as Steve waited to feel the baby kick.

"Did you feel it?" She asked as she felt the familiar pressure against her stomach.

A look of wonder crossed Steve's face. "Yeah..." he answered as he pulled his hand away and sat back. "Does that happen often?"

"No, not right now anyway." She answered as she sat back too. "It'll get more frequent as I get further along. Now, what was it you wanted to talk about?"

Steve nearly blushed as he rubbed the back of his head. "I was thinking, about this whole thing really and I just have a hard time with it all. I keep thinking back on everything that's happened, from when we met to now basically and I just... I don't know where to begin."

"Wherever you feel you need to."

"I don't fully understand why you chose to leave, I get that it was partially my fault, I really just wasn't thinking when that happened. I don't really understand how you got Tony to stay quiet as long as you did, though he did try and drop hints along the way and really did enjoy holding it over my head until I found you. I'm confused, I'm lost, I'm hurt and I know that none of what I'm feeling probably even comes close to what you're feeling and I don't know how to help or how to deal with any of this. I want to try and make it right, I would offer to take care of you, do... right... by you, to do everything in my power to help you, take care of you, provide for you, but I don't think you want any of that and that's hard for me. I was raised where you were a gentleman, you took care of the woman in your life, you married her if she was pregnant, you didn't just throw it all aside because of some screw up or because it might not be how you wanted it to turn out, and yet you don't want me to do what I feel I should be doing and it's tearing me apart inside. I know when you came to live with me that I said that I don't understand your life, or your past or why you make the choices you do and, at the time, I didn't really want to know, but I think, if you're willing to share what you can, I might be able to understand this better and maybe I won't feel so... at odds with myself, what I feel I should do and what you want me to do."

Zaria sat there, staring at him in silence as she processed what he said to her. Seconds ticked by and turned into minutes without any response from her as she tried to come up with an answer.

"Do you... do you need me to leave...?" Steve finally asked.

"No, I'm just... processing. I never really thought about how you would feel about all of this, I just thought about myself; I do that a lot. I'm bullheaded and I'm jaded, and more often than not I forget that, when there is another person involved, they have feelings on the matter too." She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Let's see if I can answer the best I can...

"I was raised by my father and grandmother. My mother showed up one day with me as an infant, handed me to my father, and disappeared; I have never heard from her in all my life, I just have a first name for her. When I was eight my father, who was part super soldier as I'm sure you know, thought he could be a hero. That he could stop bad people from doing bad things and it got him killed. He was trying to rescue a little girl from her would be kidnapper, there were even witnesses to it, but when the police showed up they shot my father without a warning; the would-be kidnapper got away and ended up abducting three more girls before the police finally caught him, and no, you don't want to know the details about that case. After that it was just my grandmother who raised me.

"It was very hard for me after my father died; I had no mother or father figure in my life so I rebelled. I ran away from home a lot, got into a lot of trouble with the law, I even went into Juvenile for some time; it was very hard for my grandmother to control me. Finally she had enough and put me into a military academy school in hopes that it would straighten me out, and it did for the most part. I got into gymnastics where I could vent all my anger with the world without hurting someone and people gave me medals for it, but I pretty much screwed that all up.

"I was just starting to see Jimmy when he convinced me that my family didn't love me and that's why my mother abandoned me and my grandmother sent me away to some school on the other side of the state from her. It was really convincing to a girl who was so broken inside, I was easy to manipulate, easy to control. When he told me we should run away I didn't even question it, didn't think how my grandmother might feel because all I could think about was how Jimmy was right and that no one loved me and no one would miss me; so we left. We somehow made our way to New York City where we hooked up with some gang of other runaways, Jimmy took over; he was pretty good and convincing others to do what he wanted. One day he took me to some museum in the nicer part of town, said that we could swipe a few things and sell them and the museum would never notice anything missing. I didn't want to do it, but after some convincing Jimmy had me just watching in case someone showed up.

"The police showed up pretty quickly, Jimmy, some of the other runaways and I all got caught. I was going to just be let go with a warning because there was no proof I was even involved in the break in, I just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, but Jimmy got some deal where he ratted on the other kids who had actually broken into the museum with him for a lesser sentence; he added my name to the list of people in his statement. My court appointment attorney did nothing to refute it and I was supposed to spend time in jail for it, but because of some mix up with my birth certificate they couldn't decide how old I was and instead the museum decided I would do community service for the damages I caused.

"It wasn't long after that that I dumped Jimmy, found that little apartment I used to live in and found out my grandmother was sick. I ended up having her come live with me because I couldn't ditch my community service. She left me her house when she passed, but I don't even know if it's still standing and I couldn't really move back out there with the bills I had to pay. And you know the rest really." Zaria took a long breath as she stopped talking; letting it out slowly before she continued answering Steve's previous questions. "As for Tony keeping the secret of my pregnancy or where I probably was, I have no idea how that happened. I honestly think he just enjoyed knowing something that no one else did and wanted to hold it above everyone's head. I mean don't you think he really enjoyed knowing something that "the spy" Fury couldn't even find out? It probably made him giddy."

Steve chuckled. "Yeah, I could see that."

"As for taking care of me, I don't really need that honestly." Zaria continued. "I know that my original choice of just taking off with the baby and disappearing is really the wrong choice. You want to be in their life and you deserve to be there, I don't want them growing up without a father just because I was too stubborn to let you be there when you want to be; it would be different if you didn't care and didn't want to be there, but you do. I don't know where I'm going to go, or what I'm going to do now with all that's happening, but I don't think I can stay in New York City anymore I've had enough of the city for one lifetime. With the bills all paid off I might go see if my grandmother's house is still standing and maybe I'll move back there, I do really miss living out in the country, the city life isn't what I enjoy."

"I could come with you." Steve said finally.

Zaria shook her head. "No, no I don't think you want to honestly. I know that every fiber of your being is probably telling you that you should move with me, that you should help me and take care of me because that's what you were taught, but I also think that your heart is telling you that that's not really what you want. That you and I probably wouldn't be happy together in the long run even with a child together. I think you would be, and are, happier with Peggy than you would be, or were, with me. I'm not going to keep our child away from you, but at the same time I won't put them through that kind of unhappy family life."

"You talk about the future like there aren't any complications with this whole thing." Steve murmured. "I really want to believe you, but at the same time..."

"I know," Zaria started cutting him off. "I know what Bruce and Samantha think about my condition and what the chance of survival is for me or the child, but I also know that those numbers aren't set in stone and that miracles can always happen so I chose to believe that, in the end, that both me and the child will come out of this pregnancy whole, happy and healthy."

"I really hope so."

"Did that answer everything for you?"

Steve sat there for a moment. "I guess so," he finally admitted. "I'm still at odds with myself because of how I was raised, but I can see your point in it all and it makes sense to me. I would like to help you as much as I can, but I won't force anything if you don't want it."

Zaria smiled slightly. "We'll figure it out when we get there. For now, I don't even know if they're going to let me leave the tower until my pregnancy is over so I'm kinda stuck here for roughly another twenty weeks."

"Do you... do you know what gender the baby is?" Steve questioned as he suddenly thought of it.

Zaria chuckled. "No, not yet. I didn't want to see it when they did the ultrasound to see if the baby was alright. I wasn't sure if I wanted to know or not."

Steve sat there thinking about something. "Is it possible," he started slowly. "Is it possible that next time you have an ultrasound I could join you and we can find out together?"

Zaria smiled, he sounded so hopeful. "Sure, that sounds like a good idea."

He smiled the first real smile she had seen on him since he found her at Joe's apartment. "I'd like that."

"Me too." Zaria answered with a smile.

Steve nodded before he stood up. "I should let you rest. Thank you for humoring me and answering my questions."

"It was the least I could do." Zaria responded as she stood and followed him to the door.

Steve opened the door, "thank you again."

"You're welcome." She shut the door behind him after he went through. She took a deep breath and let it out slowly; she hurt. Her heart felt like it was in a vice and tears burned in her eyes, but she didn't feel any threat of miscarriage. Taking another breath to quell the emotional pain she felt from being so close to Steve, she moved away from the door and back into her room and thought about the encounter.

It would take a while, and it was possible she would always feel that vice around her heart when she saw his face, but maybe, just maybe, they could be civil with each other; if only for the sake of their child.