CHAPTER 10:
THE EXTENT OF SELF LOATHING
Alright, guys, here's the latest chapter. Hope you guys like it and if you do, I'd sure like to hear about it so how bout leaving some reviews. :3 Also, things are gonna get very interesting in the next chapter when Frederick does something very unexpected. As always, happy reading.
{Elsa's POV}
Time is a strange thing; a phenomena that can change quickly or slowly depending on the circumstances that take place within it. For instance, time moved slowly when I was alone, when Anna chose to knock on my door, pleading for me to come out, it only lasted a few minutes but it felt like an eternity. Each knock felt longer than the last, the noise echoing throughout the room and her constant pleas and cries would last even longer but when I was free , when I was in the mountains with Frederick, time moved in a much different manner. Hours felt like minutes, every word spoken quickly, every action moving by in blinding speed and I was always astonished to realize that our lessons were over, that several hours had passed but it never felt like they did. Time was quite strange.
Speaking of time, it was still a bewildering thought that Frederick had been with me for 8 years now. We had been training at the mountain top for three years now, and my training mostly consisted of me building large items out of ice. Items like pillars or walls and staircases. Why staircases?. With every attempt, my creations grew bigger and stronger but they would always come out barbed and uneven, never taking a proper form but unlike before, they at least held their ground and didn't fall on me.
Over the last few years, I had grown even more fond of Frederick and the gratitude I felt for his companionship and teachings was beyond anything I could say; he was there during those lonely nights, he was present to help me in my time of need and would always be there to see the good in a power others would call a curse. I knew how I felt about him, I was completely smitten. Everything about him attracted me to him. From his ambiguous past to his almost inhuman personality to his body. I never noticed him physically before but now, I couldn't help but drool over him. He had a very muscular body that would make any woman swoon, and he was extremely handsome. He had a strong jawline and black, ruffled up hair that I found suiting. He had brown eyes but they held genuine emotions in them and despite his, somewhat, callous demeanor, I still felt a strong magnetism towards him and I hoped that it wasn't showing.
We were at the mountain side, as always, as Frederick droned on about the true extent of my powers, a lecture he had given me several times before and I knew that I was capable of performing grand feats but I was always scared that I couldn't control it or, even if I did have control, that people would see me as a monster, a witch or that I was consorting with the devil. I feared rejection almost as much as I feared myself. I was snapped out of my train of thought by Frederick's coughing. I looked up and saw that he had stopped pacing and was wiping away some blood that had sputtered out of his mouth. The first time that happened, I freaked out but he assured me that it was nothing to fret over and now, I had gotten used to it. He turned to me.
"Let's head back.", he said recovering from his coughing. I raised my eyebrows in confusion. We were ending our session pretty early today, we would usually stay till around midnight but that was still a couple of hours away. I hope nothing's wrong. "Umm, okay, is something the matter?", I asked, intrigued by this sudden change in schedule. He shook his head. "I'll explain when we get back to your room.", he said as he extended his arm, signalling for me to lead the way.
I began marching forward, a smile plastered across my face. This was my favorite part of the day. Ever since Frederick had commanded me to memorize this particular path, he had made me walk it everyday for the last few years. I didn't know why nor did I care; it was my time of freedom and I couldn't feel more alive. I took slow small steps, relishing the cool breeze and the dim moon light. This was a time of serene quietude and I intended to enjoy it, seeing as we had a little extra time today. I finally stopped walking when we reached the chasm. I stood at the edge and looked down, it was a terrifying sight but I knew Frederick would never let anything happen to me. I waited till he got next to me and, as the norm, he grabbed my hand and we were on the other side. We continued our path when I looked back at Frederick, he seemed distracted and that worried me; Frederick wasn't one to let anything divert his attention. I backed up and walked alongside him and did something I've wanted to do for a long time, I grabbed his hand. His touch sent shivers down my spine. He didn't clutch my hand with any sort of force but he was holding it. I looked at his face and now, he looked concerned. He doesn't mind me doing this, does he? I erase the thought from my mind and continue to walk with him till we reached the castle and, consequently, my room. It had taken us a little over an hour to get back but it felt so much shorter.
I thought that this would be the end of the night and as I was about to wish him good night he spoke up, "I have something new to teach you today." If he had something new to teach me then why bring me back here? Why not just stay on the mountain? "You can, to some extent, form large objects so now, you're gonna learn how to form minute objects.", he finished explaining. "But shouldn't I perfect that before learning something new?", I asked.
"Diversity trumps perfection.", was all he said.
There was really no point in me arguing against him, it was his way or living in complete and utter despair. I opted for the former. "So, what are we gonna do?" He moved around the room and stood near the window, lighting the candles with the flick of his finger as he walked past them. "You're gonna be making thread." I looked at him and I chuckled, thinking he was joking but the look on his face said otherwise. "How am I suppose to make thread?" He raised his hand and with his index finger, he created a thin line of fire in the air. He blew on it and it vanished. "Limit the amount of power, you control it, you choose how much to expel. Use your finger and create a thin line of ice; imagine a fabric and then command the ice to form itself in the same way as a fabric.", he said, his voice holding conviction. I swallowed the lump that had formed in my mouth and nodded. I went over to my desk where I ran my finger across the top, trying to create a thread but, unfortunately but not surprisingly, the desk was covered in ice and frost. I sighed in disappointment as I turned and looked at Frederick.
"Work on it."
{Frederick's POV}
Time is a peculiar thing. It heals all things, maybe that's why people fear the moment when their time runs out, nothing there to heal you. Time is perceived according to perspective; small intervals of time move at an unbearably slow pace whereas a long interim of time tends to move quite quickly. Case and point, it felt only a small time ago when I met Elsa and now here we are, me as her mentor and she as my student but it seems our once simple relationship has transcended into something more. To my displeasure, Elsa has developed feelings for me and, to her discredit, she has not been very discreet about it. I would often catch her gawking at me in a very dream like manner and would have to snap her out of it. I had hoped that my distant behavior and inhumane attitude would crush any sort of feelings she had towards me but, sadly, that didn't occur and it was made clear when Elsa grabbed my hand as we walked back together. Did she think I was playing hard to get?
After her little blunder with the side table, I had decided to do something about these feelings. It would make things easier for her in two years time. "Elsa, do you remember when I told you what I was? More specifically, how I had gotten into this state?", I asked. Elsa immediately nodded. Of course she would remember, it's the only thing I've ever told her about me. I cough a few times. "I had told you that it was a form of punishment, a sanction that went beyond death. Do you wanna know who had given out such punishment?", I tilted my head anticipating her response. "I... I do.", she stammered. I straightened myself and looked outside the window. "It's hard to care for someone who can't even love themselves. It's unnatural.", I said as my voice began to drift. Elsa stood up and walked closer to me. I quickly turned around which made her take a step back. "I did it. This life is my own doing."
Elsa's eye widened with disbelief.
{Elsa's POV}
He did it. That can't be right. Who would condemn themselves into such a life? A life where death is the sweetest outcome, there must be more to this. After a few seconds, I finally build up the nerve and ask him,"What do you mean? Why would you do this to yourself?", I stuttered the last few words. He looked at me and I saw something I was so familiar with: self loathing. He turned his head and he spoke up,"You have no idea. The things I've done, the anguish I caused. You think of yourself as a monster but if given the choice, you would always choose to do the right thing and not hurt anyone but me, I chose the darkness and I chose to hurt the people around me. That's what a monster is. It doesn't matter if that person felt regret or remorse, if he chose darkness, nothing can ever fix it. And that person should be punished. Unfortunately, there was no one to act out proper punishment so I had to be my own executioner.", he finished as he coughed a few times. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. What had he done to create such a self deprecating attitude? Is this the type of person I'm destined to end up as if I continued to treat myself as a monster? But he's here now, despite what he may have been in the past, he's different now, he's trying to achieve redemption.
I was about to speak up when he cut me off. "Elsa, I get the feeling that you think of me as more than just a teacher. I want to make this very clear, I am not your friend, I am nothing to you and when I believe that you have gained control, I will leave and you will not see me again. Understand?", he said in an antagonizing way and it made me step back even further. I had never seen him like this before and it scared me. I held my hands by my chest as tears began to well up in my eyes. I gently nod my head. "Good. Same time tomorrow", he said as his voice returned to its normal emotionless self. And in a flash, he was gone.
I fell down on my bed as the tears rolled down. I didn't wipe away the tears and my emotions got out of control. A small blizzard had begun to swirl around inside my room as it began to freeze over but I didn't care. I lied down on my pillow as I continued to cry. He would just leave? I thought I meant something to him, I must mean something to him, why would he stick around for so long if I didn't? And then it hit me, he did stay. He thought of himself as a monster and maybe he believed that he didn't deserved to be loved. He's created walls and I have to break them down. How ironic, I've done nothing but create walls to shut everyone else out and here I am determined to break someone else's.
I'm not gonna let him leave.
Elsa just got the cold shoulder. *ba dum tuss* Guys, seriously now, a review every now and then would really be appreciated, heck, I'm up for some criticism by this point so pretty please, leave a few reviews. Thanks for reading.
Tune in next time, same fan fic, same fan.