The usual - I don't own Scully, Mulder or The X Files so none of this is for money or fame - its for me and for you and for fun!
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The smell gets worse the deeper I go
It's so dark
My flashlight barely cuts the black
You have to be here
I don't know if you are alive or…
I can't bare to think
I've come this far only because I believe
I can't give up until I find you
I won't
There's a sharp drop in the floor
I come to a makeshift door
I bite the flashlight between my teeth Move my weapon to my left hand
The door is open a little
I pull it outward and make a quick sweep of the tiny room
My light bounces off a small mound of dirty blanket in the far corner
My jaw slackens and I nearly vomit
The flashlight falls The light beam makes a shadow on the far wall
Nothing moves
My heart is pounding in my chest and in my ears
I'm so scared
What if it's you
What if it isn't
I can't leave until I know for sure
I crouch to the ground beside the pile and take a deep breath
I pull back the dirt-caked blanket
I see a tiny foot, calloused and bruised
Three of the toes are missing toenails
Deep ligature cuts circle the ankle
There is a thick crust of dried blood
I vomit this time
Then I lift the blanket from the other end
Even in the dimness I can see you
Your hair is matted and almost black with grime
Your cheeks are sunken and hollow Your eyelids are half-open Your blue eyes are faded and yellowed
I've lost you The weight of my failure is crushing me What am I supposed to do without you I pull you into my chest and I cry for a long time
I need to look at you
To say I'm sorry
To tell you I love you To say goodbye
It hurts so badly I know when I look you won't be there I let you down and now you're gone I wipe my tears from your face I move the flashlight so I can see you clearer When the light shines on you I don't believe what I see
Your pupils constrict and your eyes flinch
And you are looking straight into me
Oh my god
You're alive
Scully gasped for breath, fighting against the constriction in her throat. She felt like she was back in the hole, back in the dark and the pain and the fear. She fought for control, fought the darkness closing in on her vision, forcing herself to keep it together. How could she have been so stupid? How could she not have seen this, seen what was really causing his pain all this time? Of course he had been traumatized by what he found in that god-forsaken pit. She had been as near the edge of death as a thing could be without falling over.
The blindness widened and panic ripped through her, an involuntary spasm of movement that sent her coffee cup flying from the table to the tile floor. The ceramic shattered on the kitchen, glass shards spreading in a bomb-blast wave. The crashing and shattering broke Mulder's trance, stopping his monologue and saving her from falling from rationality into a canyon of uncontrollable fear.
Mulder blinked a few times before realizing Scully had jumped from the table and was mumbling a profanity-laced apology. She was moving erratically trying to find the hand towel. Confused, he looked at the floor and saw the mess. What had he been saying? He was trying to tell her about the nightmare, how it had changed. His train of thought broken, he lowered himself and began to pick up pieces of Scully's mug. Absently he noticed it was her favorite one, the one he'd given her for her birthday the year William was born.
Scully stalled at the counter, gripping the hand towel for dear life while he picked up glass from the tile. When he started talking again, she didn't turn to look at him.
"The nightmare changed that night. Every time it comes now, it ends on that night. And it's not the slide show anymore. It's like I'm there again. Literally, I can feel the hardness of the clay floor under my feet. I'm wet from the dampness."
He stopped reaching and closed his eyes.
"I can smell the stale air and...you. I wake up every time holding my breath so damn hard because I can still smell the death in that room."
Scully held in the sobs fighting for freedom in her chest.
"I'm a mess when I finally wake up - I'm drowning in sweat and I can't breathe. My hands could break concrete they shake so badly and it takes forever to go away. Actually, that's not true. It doesn't really go away until I see you, touch you again."
Mulder returned to his chair, his shoulders hunched in defeat. Too ashamed to look at Scully, he stared at his hands, wet with spilled coffee and useless as far as he was concerned.
"Without you, I'm lost. And the fear of losing you is pushing me to the edge of sanity. I'm afraid all the time, Scully. Afraid when you leave, it will be the last time I see you alive. You are so much stronger than I am. When I think of the disappointment you must feel right now - I'm sorry I'm not stronger. But I love you. With everything I have. You make me whole. You've made this whole journey worthwhile – even if everything else has already been taken away and we can't win. I still have you. You're the only truth I have left."
Scully stood holding her breath. The silence deepened, grew thicker with the passing seconds until she thought it would swallow her whole. She couldn't speak. She couldn't move. God, what was she supposed to do now? Mulder was sitting behind her, his soul bleeding, his heart broken – and it was all her fault. Her weakness had ruined everything – it had ruined their chance of any hope at a life filled with more happy than horrible. She couldn't stand knowing she had broken Mulder so completely. And she couldn't stand in that kitchen a second longer.
"I…I have to go, Mulder. I'm going to be late for…"
A choking sob escaped her control and cut off her words. Abandoning the lame exit strategy, she hurried past him without looking up, gathered her bag and keys and shut the front door behind her without saying goodbye.