Well folks, this is it! The last chapter - I can't believe it's really over. Thank you to everyone that has read and responded to this little blurb - the feedback and support has been amazing and I love y'all!
I couldn't/wouldn't have done this without the Cock-Blocking Bee, Shannon - my Sunshine - Baldwin! Thank you for all your editing and encouragement! I can't wait for our next adventure :-)))
As usual, I don't own FM, DS, TXF or anything other than my ideas and adventures - this is not for money or fame. It's for me and for you and for fun!
So read, enjoy, respond and watch for more MSR fanfic from your's truly!
MWAH!
"What's up Doc?"
Scully jumped a little. He'd barely spoken above a whisper, but she was so lost in her head she would have likely startled at a mouse fart. They had been home for two days – the feel of the wooden floors beneath her feet and the familiarity of their bed far more healing than any medicine or treatment she'd been given at the hospital. This was where she lived, with Mulder – the two of them trying desperately to make a life worth living. This was home and she had forgotten how precious it was to her. Stepping over the threshold after her wreck had been one of the most cathartic moments of her life.
Now reclining on the arm of the couch, her legs draped over Mulder's lap, she was tracing circles around the face of his watch. It was as beautiful as the day she gave it to him. No one would ever guess the hell the thing had been through. His wrist had been vacant only one time since he first slid the silver links over his hand and clasped the buckle.
As proficient as he was at chopping wood, scrubbing dishes or making her coffee, the little machine could probably do all the things without Mulder's arm for support. The hand movements had ticked away precious hours filled with beautiful love-making as well as miles of nervous pacing. It had seen fire and rain and two tornadoes. And it was washed with too many tears from her eyes. Her joints could still feel the hardness of the ground where she had lain and wept over it. She could smell the staleness of the clay as her tears seeped through the links to the earth - as fresh and vivid as if she were still there. The demons were still strong.
"I was just thinking about your watch."
She turned her face up to meet his eyes, seeing in the deep brown he knew exactly what she meant. Turning back to the watch, unable to face what might play across his face, she continued.
"I've been thinking about a lot of things actually. Gunshot wounds and abductions and viruses - everything. As hard as it's been to remember, it's been even harder to keep it all hidden. We should have talked, Mulder - and a very long time ago. Too many times we've just slipped through the pain. I've said "I'm fine" more times than I've told you I love you."
A nervous chuckle escaped and she turned to him once more, sincerity in her voice.
"And I do. I love you so much. I depend on your courage and your strength. I need everything about you. You are the best parts of who I've become. You've taught me more than I thought I could ever learn. I've seen things I would have never seen if it weren't for you opening my eyes, and my heart. But we're broken, Mulder."
She paused, wiping a single tear from her cheek. There were so many reasons to just move on. Should she really be dredging up their past? Her resolve faltered and she squeezed her eyes tightly shut. In her mind, she saw Greg sitting next to her hospital bed the day she was released. He came in to check on her when Mulder stepped down to the hospital's coffee shop. She knew Davis well enough to know he'd chosen his entrance with a purpose and she hadn't been wrong.
"So, you going to tell me what happened?"
"I had a wreck. Probably fell asl-"
"Dana, stop. I know you haven't told Mulder anything and that's been your decision – up until this point anyway. But you've lost whatever control you had. You're past the point of hiding anything. You're a doctor for Christ-sake. You know better – you know it's only going to get worse."
Damn the man, he did cut right to the quick, didn't he. But he came to help, she knew that. And he was right, but that didn't stop her from being afraid of what he wanted to hear. She didn't have long before Mulder would return and there was no way to escape Greg's piercing stare.
Better get it over with.
"I thought I was fine. I mean, it was hard in the beginning, after I came home. I was afraid of things – silly things like the smell of the root cellar or the silence of our bedroom at night when Mulder wasn't there. But I pushed through, fought to get back on track, and I thought I had. Work was a welcome distraction. At home…well, I just refused to let anything in. Especially Mulder. And I thought I was keeping it hidden from him."
She let her head fall slightly and rubbed her left elbow gingerly.
"I was stupid, I guess. I didn't realize…I mean…I was just stupid. The headaches have gotten worse. Now it's just constant pain. Sometimes when Mulder's gone I have panic attacks – I can't breathe and my vision starts to go black. I grab anything I can that's his and bury my face – the smell of him used to calm me down but even that hasn't worked as well anymore."
She tried to steady herself and failed miserably, her eyelids filling with unwanted tears.
"Then he told me about his dream. God, Greg. The things we have hidden from each other, the pain we refuse to share, to let go of."
Davis reached out and put his hand on hers. She smiled weakly at the gesture.
"Anyway, I guess it finally beat me this time. I remember leaving the hospital, driving through the city and out-of-town. I remember thinking about music…and then all I could see was black. The pain was real. Fear. I was trapped in a firestorm. Just instant panic and pain. And I couldn't do anything to stop it."
The tears fell. She swiped angrily at her face but it only made them fall faster. She hated feeling weak, especially in front of anyone. It was truly her Achilles Heel. Without condemnation or judgment, Greg spoke through her tears.
"You know what you have to do, Dana. It will never end for either of you if you don't."
Opening her eyes, her determination returned. It was time to stop the bleeding.
"I thought all I had to do was leave the past behind and keep walking. But it doesn't work that way - I know that now. Ignoring the demons doesn't make them go away. They just get bigger and scarier, and eventually they are the only thing we can see. I told you once I didn't want the darkness in our home. But we brought it in ourselves. And it's time to let go. It's past time."
Scully looked into his eyes and he remembered the morning of the wreck. The one time he'd chosen to share his fears, his demons, and she'd nearly died on the way home from work. How could reliving those things possibly help them? He didn't believe anything good could come of it, but she continued before he could stop her.
"You found me, Mulder. You came and rescued me from that hell hole and I would be dead now if you hadn't. I wanted to die."
Mulder heard her voice shake and knew he couldn't listen to anymore. She buried her father, her sister - hell, she buried him. She overcame cancer and abductions and death. She'd said goodbye to two precious children. So much pain, yet she'd endured. She rose every day and faced a future that was likely to hold only more grief - but she never gave up. She was a fighter.
"Scully, don't do..."
"Mulder, stop. Listen to me, please, I need to do this. We need this. Your nightmare, the pain you've been reliving because of what you saw that night – it's because I quit Mulder. I-"
"Scully, no!"
He hadn't meant to yell at her. He hadn't meant to jerk his hand away or nearly knock her off the couch jumping from his seat. God, could he do anything right anymore?
Scully watched him fall to his knees beside her and drop his head to the floor. His body shook and trembled and she could hear his ragged breathing. Easing down beside him she wrapped her arms around his shoulders, the pain in her heart greater than the pain in her body.
Two people could never know each other better than they did. He felt he had failed her. His fear, always wondering if she would come home again - he felt it was a betrayal. A weakness. A fault that made him less deserving of her in some way. She needed to make him understand that they had both been beaten.
When the devil told her Mulder was dead she would never have believed him - but he had the watch. The watch Mulder had never taken off. The watch he'd promised her would only come off if he was dead. She had been in the dark for so long. The monster had done so many horrible things to her - there was nothing left to fight him with. The last string in a frayed and rotting cloak of hope blew away like dust when that watch hit the floor in front of her.
"Mulder, what you saw when you found me - the only thing still alive in me at that point was the heart beating in my chest. I prayed constantly it would quit. I wanted to die. He said you were dead. He said you were dead and I cursed him for a liar. But your watch - when I saw the engraving on the back..."
She drifted into silence. Mulder lifted his head and turned to face her. The weight of her words fell on him like an avalanche. She was still so strong - after everything she had been through in her life, she was still the strongest person he would ever know. As hard as it was for him to accept, he knew it had to be even harder for her – she had been the one in that god-forsaken pit. But he knew she was right. And she would always be the only person that could make him see things when he refused. They were broken. And she was putting all the broken pieces out in front of them, trying to put their life back together.
He wanted nothing more than to make her understand that he loved her, needed her and most importantly that he understood what she was saying, what she was doing for them. Taking her porcelain face in his hands he moved towards her. With all the tenderness in his heart, he pressed his lips to hers, their warmth melting pain, their softness a salve over wounded souls.
"Oh my god, Mulder..." The phrase escaping, Scully wrapped her arms around him, drinking in the moment of utter relief.
"I'm so sorry. I should have told you about the-"
"Mulder, stop. There is no more 'I'm sorry.'"
She pulled away from him gently, making sure he knew she wasn't angry. They had to stop this cycle of out-guilting each other. It was a black pit, an ever-widening chasm between them, and if they couldn't stop it, it would destroy everything they held dear.
"We both know we will never be safe. It's just not possible to protect the things we care the most for in the way we want. We can try – God knows you and I have tried. But in the end, there is always something or someone out there that will be stronger than us. There will always be monsters."
She squeezed his hands and continued.
"We cannot keep blaming ourselves. It's like you said – the darkness finds us, Mulder. It always has and it always will. The only thing we have is each other - if we keep feeding this guilt, we will lose us. And if we do that, they win."
Mulder looked down at their hands, comforted by the fact that even with the size difference it was difficult to tell which fingers were hers and which were his. She kept speaking.
"I have thought you were dead twice now. The first time, I had our son growing inside me - every time I felt him move it was you telling me to not give up. The last time, I thought I had nothing to live for. William is gone. And if you were gone then I was done. But I was wrong, Mulder. You have always been inside me. You are part of me, my perfect other, and my constant. Even if you leave this world, I will never be without you. It is the only truth that can never be taken away from me. So I will never give up again. I will fight forever to keep you alive, even if it's only inside my beating heart."
Mulder gazed in wonder at the woman before him. Where had she come from and how had the stars aligned so perfectly that she was his? She defied all explanation. She spoke with wisdom beyond his grasp, truths he would never have found. How blind had he been to waste so much time fearing the darkness instead of drinking in every moment of her light? The darkness was always there like she said, and he had given it entirely too much attention. He'd given it power over the hope. Never again.
"Scully, you are mine. Always and forever, you are mine. I know you're right about the darkness - as much as it pisses me off to say it, I know I'll never keep you as safe as I want. But I will not let fear keep us from living the rest of our life."
God, what a gift she was. Unable to hold back, Mulder took her in his arms and kissed her passionately, every ounce of his love flowing from his lips to hers. They would survive. They would live their lives in each other's arms, and they would defeat any darkness that came because they had the hope of each other.
Scully felt the urgency in his lips and was swept away. It had been so long since they had held each other with anything but fear. All the pain in her body disappeared and she fell into him like the last piece of a puzzle, a perfect fit. They were together - no matter what the future held they would fight it side by side. And they would win, no matter the odds, no matter the lies - because there would always be hope.