"Will you marry me?"
Chris is sitting next to him on the porch swing nursing a cup of tea when he asks him. The sun is hanging high in the sky, the weather is cold enough to not be annoying, but Chris is wearing a thick jacket and is covered by two blankets. It seems no matter the weather, Chris is always cold now, always snuggled close to Darren and his body heat.
He had been planning on something much more elaborate than sitting on a porch-swing in the middle of the day. His plans included music and roses and things that would remind them of Europe. But sitting here with Chris is more perfect than any plans he had. Sitting here is when he wants to ask.
It's been three months since he got Chris back; three months of seeing Chris slowly get back to normal, the color returning to his face and gaining some weight. Although others might think it too soon, he knows it's what he wants most. He wants to marry Chris.
"Wh-what?" Chris asks with a shaking voice, eyes filling with tears threatening to spill over.
Darren just smiles and wipes away the tear that rolls down his cheek. He asks again, "Will you marry me?"
"Yes!" Chris shouts in excitement, kissing Darren with more passion than he thought possible. When he finally pulls back, gasping for breath, Chris hugs him as tight as possible, repeatedly saying yes into his ear.
As Chris stands in front of him wearing a simple, black tux, Darren never lets go of his hands as they're placed in his. He strokes his thumb over the pronounced bones of Chris' hands, only thinking about the silver band he's about to place on his finger. They say 'I do' and exchange rings, crying the whole time and kissing at the end.
Turning to the few family and friends in attendance, they are immediately greeted with applause and cheers. Darren had tried to convince Chris to go all out, do everything he wanted when it came to the ceremony, but in the end he kept it simple by having it in his backyard with less than sixty people invited to witness this very special moment between them.
"I love you, husband," Darren whispers into Chris' ear as they sit at the main table being congratulated by people walking up.
"As I love you, husband," Chris replies, lying his head on Darren's shoulder and smiling.
Darren drapes his arm across Chris' shoulders and runs his forefinger over the ring on Chris' finger when he links their hands together. It feels so right, so perfect to be married to Chris, to hold his hand and feel the wedding band on his finger. He loves that it's there and announces to the world that Chris loves him and made the choice to marry him, and he loves that he has an expect replica on his finger-the only difference being the engravings on the inside.
The sky is already starting to turn from a dark blue to a deep black, the tea-lights draped over trees and the posts framing the small dance floor turn on and make it that much more beautiful. Seeing that, he doesn't think this moment and this day could have been any more perfect.
"Thank you, Dare," Chris tells him as they dance one final time for the night.
"What for?" He looks at him with slight confusion in his eyes.
"For marrying me even though..." Chris shrugs his shoulders and half smiles, looking around him at the other couples dancing as well.
"If anyone's lucky to be married tonight, it's me," Darren says to break the tension of what Chris didn't need to say. "I mean, considering I snagged the greatest guy on the planet."
"I think I should be saying that," Chris says, resting their foreheads together and closing his eyes.
They finish out the rest of the dance like that, not thinking about anything else but the day they just shared. Holding Chris close and swaying to the music takes Darren back to the day they crashed that wedding in Rome and how right that moment felt, now knowing he was always meant to be in this moment married to Chris.
"Ready for our honeymoon?" Darren asks when the song ends, seeing Chris nod his head.
Quickly changing out of their tuxes-and only getting distracted once by the other-they head downstairs to the group of people waiting for them. The cheers and applause is loud in their ears as they walk down the stairs and to the car waiting outside. Bubbles float around them as they walk past family and friends, stopping in front of the car to wave to them. Darren gives Chris a deep kiss right before they climb in and leave everything behind for the next two weeks.
Hawaii is more beautiful than both of them thought it would be. The smell of sea-salt is strong in the air and the wind is cool on their skin. Darren picked this place because he knew with the sun always shining during the day, and warm weather still during the night, Chris didn't have to worry about being too cold and wearing too many layers.
The house they're staying at is about forty feet in from the white, sandy beach. It's secluded enough from other houses apart of the resort they'll be staying for them to do whatever they desire.
Clothes are quickly discarded and they stumble together to the bedroom. Darren barely gets a good look around before he's being pulled down on the bed by a desperate Chris.
As he sinks down around Chris a few moments later, Darren drops his head back and moans, biting his bottom lip. Rocking down, Chris lies back and grips his hips, thrusting up. He moves up and down, up and down until he feels his body thrumming with the need for release. Chris angles his hips and hits that spot perfectly inside him on his next thrust up. He's close, he just needs that little thing to push him over, and when Chris moves his hand from his hip to cover over his heart is what does it. It's the feel of the cool, silver band touching his heated skin and looking down and remembering that he's doing this with Chris, doing this with his husband does his orgasm rip through his body.
As he works his hips through his release, he feels Chris thrust up half a dozen times and spill inside him. Lifting himself off Chris and dropping down on the bed next to him, he can't help the smile that's on his face as he lays there in his afterglow.
"I love having sex with you as my husband," he admits when Chris turns on his side and looks at him.
"I love having you as my husband." Chris smiles, leaning over and kissing Darren.
After that, the first few days of their honeymoon are spent in the massive king size bed doing nothing but making love, sleeping and eating. When they weren't doing either of those things-which was not very often-they talked.
One night Darren convinces Chris to go skinny dipping. Both of them undress and run hand-in-hand to the water; Chris shouting in delight when a wave crashes over both of them and drags them under the warm water for a few seconds. Resurfacing, Darren pulls Chris close and kisses him, tasting the slight saltiness on his lips from the water. Standing with the water lapping around their hips and the moon shining down and reflecting on the surface of the water, Darren only cares for the person in his embrace. In the next instance the kiss deepens and becomes more. "I want you," Chris mumbles against his lips.
Carrying Chris back to the house, his legs wrapped around him and fingers linked together behind his neck, Darren never stops kissing his soft lips. He lies down on the bed, and as they roll around together, their wet skin and hair immediately soak the sheets.
Chris claws at the bed sheet beneath his hands as Darren moves tortuously slow inside him after he prepped him, pushing back to meet his thrusts into him.
"Ple-please, Dare, go faster," Chris begs, dropping to his elbows and spreading his knees further apart.
Darren runs his fingers down Chris' spine, softly gripping his side; he begins to really roll his body into Chris. He slowly picks up his speed and is thrusting at a fast pace, feeling how close he is. Reaching under Chris, he wraps his hand around his cock and begins to stroke him. It only takes five strokes before Chris hotly spills over his hand and squeezes around him, making him come as well.
He cleans them both after, lying on Chris' chest and listening to his heartbeat slowly calm down after he throws the washcloth in the direction of the clothes hamper. "It's crazy how easy I can recognize your heartbeat by now. It's one of the greatest sounds in the world."
"Is that so?" Chris asks as he aimlessly strokes through Darren's hair.
Darren just smiles; turning to kiss over where Chris' heart is, saying against his skin, "Yes, it's its own symphony to me."
When he wakes up, the sheets are now dried from the night before, and Darren smiles at the memory of tangled limbs and breathy moans. Sunlight floods in through the windows and doors and bathes them in a welcoming warmth. The breeze that blows through the open doors stirs Chris awake. Pulling him to his chest, Darren runs his fingers up and down his back and smiles when he snuggles closer to him.
"What do you want to do today?" Darren asks as he feels Chris randomly draw patterns on his chest.
"This is fine right here," Chris quietly responds.
They eventually leave the house and explore the beauty of the island they're on. Meeting lovely locals who suggest places for them to eat. One restaurant quickly becomes their favorite as they sit outside, close to the beach. But mainly, they stay at the house, most of the time only wearing boxers as they go about their days.
One night as Chris sits in his lap with his arms wrapped around his back, Darren slowly strokes up and down his spine as he hums a song, still not over the fact that he's married to Chris.
"Is it still registering with you that we're married?" he asks, kissing the top of Chris' head where it's resting against his chest as he stares out the opened double doors.
"Some," Chris replies, Darren knowing he's smiling. "It feels amazing, though, when I do remember or see my ring or when you call me your husband." He turns his head and smiles up at him, eyes shining with happiness.
"I love you." Darren leans down and brushes their lips together in a whisper of a kiss, saying against his lips, "My husband." He isn't surprised when Chris grabs around the back of his neck and kisses him fiercely, making them forget everything and fall back in bed.
One particular day finds them lying on a spread out blanket on the beach completely naked as the sun sets in the horizon, throwing a mixture of red's and orange's across the sky. They've been that way for almost thirty minutes, knowing there's nobody around for a mile going down both sides of the beach. Darren lying sideways with his head resting on Chris' side as he twirls his fingers through his hair. Chris' head is in his hand, elbow propped up and looking at him.
The last of the water-drops clinging to them from the swim they had is drying on their skin as they just lie there enjoying their surroundings.
"We only have two days left here," Chris says as he maneuvers to lie on his stomach, arms crossed under his head.
Darren moves to lie half on top of him, resting his chin on his shoulder. "It's been great, though."
"Yeah...it's been great." Chris smiles, sighing when Darren starts to mouth at the back of his neck.
Darren moves down to kiss between his shoulder blades, moving down to suck and nip at the skin of his lower back. He does that until he pulls back and there is the beginnings of a mark showing over the spot. Chris turns over and smiles up at him, Darren seeing how turned on he is. "I love you," he says, cupping the side of Chris' face and kissing him.
"I love you, too," Chris responds when he pulls back from the kiss, looking Darren straight in his eyes. "Forever and always."
That night as Chris slides into him and moves perfectly, Darren tries not to think of the 'forever and always' Chris told him, because to give it any thought would acknowledge what little time they have. Instead he drowns his thoughts in the feeling of Chris inside him, the mix of their voices as they gasp and moan from pleasure, the sensation of Chris spilling inside him and coming over his hand and onto both their stomachs. He focuses on gentle hands cleaning him afterwards, soft lips kissing him as he holds Chris tight; they kiss until Chris falls asleep in his arms. It's only after hearing his evenly breathing for twenty minutes does Darren let the first of the tears roll down the side of his face, because he would do anything for a forever and always with Chris.
The last day in Hawaii is spent swimming in the clear blue water (clothed for once), going into town one last time, and finally putting the sunbed on the back porch to use...technically (lying naked on it as Chris moved in him and the sun shined down on them was good enough use to Darren.)
Later that night as he lies in bed curled around Chris, legs tangled and skin sweaty, he turns the ring on Chris' finger. "Back to the real world tomorrow," he quietly says, kissing behind Chris' ear.
"Back to no longer pretending," Chris says, voicing what both of them were doing during their time here.
Here is where it was easy to forget Chris is dealing with something beyond terrible and be a couple madly in love simply celebrating coming together in marriage. Here is where it was easy to be extremely happy with nothing to worry about except when to get out of bed. Here is where they could simply be Chris and Darren without the problems of life.
Here is where they wish time could stop and live forever in this perfect world they had.
Returning home, they rent out a house more than big enough for two people. It's close enough to Chris' home if anything happens, but away from the town he doesn't want to live at anymore.
Instead of unpacking, they collapse on the couch and fall asleep in each other's arms. They don't wake 'til close to eight at night, laughing at sleeping most of the day away.
They decide on making their first meal in the house. Somehow despite all the kissing, they manage to make a pasta dish that reminds them of Italy.
After they finish, they sit in the hot water filling the bathtub; the dozen or so lit candles that surround the bathroom providing their only source of light. Darren lies back against Chris' chest, feeling when he breathes out and shivering when he skims his fingernails across his stomach.
"I've always wanted to live in a house with a claw-foot tub," Chris admits, Darren knowing he's smiling without having to look.
"Good thing we found this place, then," Darren says, smiling as he turns around and sits between Chris' legs with his knees pulled up to his chest. "You're gorgeous," he silently whispers as he watches the flames of the candles throw shadows across Chris' face.
Chris scoots closer to him and places his hands on his knees, resting his cheek on top of his hands. Darren leans down and kisses at his temple, running his fingertips down his spine and seeing him shiver.
Chris finally picks his head up and says, "I love you."
Darren smiles as he says, "I love you, too."
"Dare?" Chris links both of their hands together and strokes his thumb over the back of his hand.
"Yeah?"
Chris smiles as he says with all honesty, "I'm happy we're here together. I'm happy you came back for me. I'm...happy."
"Yeah," Darren says, stroking his thumb over Chris' cheek, seeing it glisten from the water. "I'm happy too, because I have you."
He leans forward and slowly kisses Chris, running his tongue along his bottom lip and then licking into his mouth. Chris moans into his mouth as Darren massages their tongues together. All too soon, Darren feels Chris move away; opening his eyes he sees him standing up. Water rolls down his body and falls back into the tub as he holds out his hand. "Come on."
Darren stands up and takes his hand in his, asking, "Where we going?"
"Dare, we're naked in our house on the first night, I think we should celebrate."
"I was hoping you'd say that."
They leave a trail of watery footprints behind them as they walk to the main bedroom.
Several minutes later, Darren has Chris up against the door of the bedroom as he slowly thrusts into him; kissing Chris as he releases whimpers and moans. The heels of Chris' feet dig into his lower back, one arm is wrapped around his neck clutching his shoulder as the fingers of Chris' other hand dig into his hip. As he thrust up, Chris rocks forward into it, dropping his face into the crook of his neck, letting out little breathy moans.
Darren groans as Chris at first kisses the skin of his neck, then begins to nip and bite, lapping over the quickly reddening skin; he knows by morning there will be a noticeable mark where Chris' mouth is working against his skin.
Pulling back and angling his hips, Darren thrust up and hits Chris' prostate, seeing him throw his head back and let out a scream of pleasure. Fingernails dig into his skin and mix the pleasure with pain; making everything he's feeling that much better.
"I'm close," Chris pants as he stares into Darren's eyes.
Capturing Chris' mouth in a tender kiss, Darren reaches down and takes him in hand. Slowly stroking him as he continues to thrust up into him, he feels a few moments later as Chris spills over his fist. Working him through his orgasm, Darren stutters his hips a few thrusts later and experiences his own release.
"We should christen every room," Darren breathes against Chris' skin after dropping his head to Chris' shoulder, letting out a small laugh at his joke.
Feeling Chris grab a handful of hair at the back of his head and lift it, Darren stares into Chris' gorgeous eyes. "We have all night," Chris says in a serious tone with a sly grin. It's right then that Darren knows it's most definitely going to be a long night.
He gets the first one two weeks later one morning. Rolling over and finding Chris gone, he sits up and finds a folded piece of paper on his pillow. For a few moments, he's back in the hotel room in Spain, scared that Chris has left again. Picking it up, he lets out a sigh of relief when he begins to read what Chris wrote him.
Hi, Husband,
I love writing that, saying that, thinking that. I love knowing that I can look at you and think to myself: Wow, this amazing person decided to marry me; me who always thought himself plain in a world where beauty stood out. But, you fell in love with me and I fell in love with you, and here we are: married and happily in love. You made it possible for me to finally feel beautiful...beyond beautiful in this world now. So, thank you a million times over.
Love, Chris
P.S. Now come downstairs so we can enjoy breakfast together.
He grabs a pair of boxers and a shirt, and quickly pulls them on, moving fast down the stairs and to the kitchen. He finds the table set up with food and Chris sitting on the sun-nook drinking a cup of orange juice. Instantly going to him, Darren tips his head back and kisses him.
"I love you," he breathes out when he finally pulls back, sounding like he just ran a marathon.
"I take it you like my letter?" Chris smiles, standing up and grabbing his hand.
"Yes."
"Good." Chris giggles, brushing a strand of hair back from Darren's eyes. "There'll be more, and I won't tell you when they're coming."
The next letter comes a month later. Chris hands him the mail he grabbed, sitting back against the arm of the couch facing Darren as he flips through the envelopes. When he gets to the last one, he smiles and looks up at Chris, who's pretending to read a book; on the front of the envelope is his name written in Chris' loopy handwriting. Tearing open the back, he pulls out the paper inside and begins to read.
Hi, Husband
Last night I watched you sleep after we made love, and it hit me: You are the one person who will get to see me like that. You are the one person I will only get to bare my body and soul to, and it made me feel elated. I realized I was completely and definitely okay with that, because if I had to choose one person to let them see me like that it will always be you.
I get to share this with you and only you, and I thank you for making this experience so much more than just sex. I will always see it as you and me becoming us; where you somehow seep inside me in a way that touches the deepest parts of my heart.
I still find it crazy, though, sometimes, that we get to experience what very few people find together. But I'm glad we get that small amount of time; this chance to have this.
Love, Chris
When he finishes the letter, Darren looks up to find Chris gazing at him with a big grin. He grabs around his ankles and pulls him to lie back on the couch. Moving to hover over him, Darren smiles down at him, amazed that this completely incredible person is his husband.
"I am so head over heels in love with you," he says right before crashing their mouths together in a heated kiss. As mouths move together, he mumbles, "I should thank you," he kisses down his jaw, "for picking me." He kisses down Chris' neck and over his collarbone, saying, "I'm glad to make it so much more than what it is."
He moves back up to look at Chris below him, a tinge of red to his cheeks, still blushing at what Darren can do to him. Darren strokes the back of his fingers over his cheek, occasionally kissing him.
"Want to spend the day in bed?" Chris suggests, raising his eyebrow and grinning.
"Definitely."
Their first big argument happens three months after living in the house over something Chris said he never wanted to even talk about because it hurt too much. Darren stormed out of the house more frustrated with the situation they are in rather than Chris himself. He returned a few hours later calmed down to find Chris sitting on the steps of the porch waiting for him. Darren got out of the car, immediately telling him he was sorry and that he wasn't mad at him.
"I love you so much." He cries onto Chris' shoulder. "I'm just so angry at everything happening."
"I know," Chris murmurs into his ear, holding him close. "Now you know why I didn't want to imagine a possibility of where we could have that, because I know it won't happen."
As they walk into the house and he sits on the couch, Chris sits in his lap and he holds him. If they are denied one thing doesn't stop them from having something else. He whispers into Chris' ear, "How about a dog?"
He hears Chris chuckle and say, "I could do that."
That's how they come to adopt Scout the English bulldog who instantly won their hearts when they saw him at the shelter. The fact that he's fifteen pounds overweight and described as lazy is overlooked by both of them.
At the moment, he lays on the kitchen floor asleep as they make dinner, snoring loud enough for them to hear.
"I think he might be the laziest dog I've ever known," Chris laughs as he sits on the counter eating strawberries.
"But he's the cutest," Darren throws in, smiling when Scout picks his head up as if he knows they're talking about him. "Yes, we're talking about you," he tells him, throwing him a piece of chicken, which he eats in two bites.
Turning off the stove, Darren abandons dinner in favor of standing in between Chris' legs, and kissing his lips that strongly taste of strawberries. Hands slip around his neck and fingernails scrape the back of his neck as he kisses Chris. A silky tongue pushing past his lips is enough for him to grip under Chris' thighs and lift him off the counter.
"Want to eat later?" Chris asks through baited breath.
"Yes!" He instantly replies.
As they walk up the stairs, fingers scramble to remove clothes that leave a trail behind them; they fall back on the bed naked and in need of the other.
Some people would be shocked to learn just how often they find themselves in this situation (which is almost always naked and making love.) Chris once said it was because he can't get enough of him, and he says the same. But somewhere he knows it's so he can remember the feel of Chris' body pressed close to his; remember every inch of skin, every mark and scar and freckle and birthmark, remember how Chris looks and sounds and is as they make love.
After, dinner is sitting in their pajama pants and shirts on the couch, watching a show on tv together and falling asleep in each other's arms.
Christmas morning is spent with family and friends, opening presents and eating around the family table. Back at home that night is spent sitting on the floor in front of their "Charlie Brown tree" as Chris called it. Scout is passed out on his dog bed in the corner of the living room as they exchange presents.
"Merry Christmas!" Darren says as he hands Chris an envelope with a blue bow on it.
Chris smiles up at him after reading what is written on the paper, tears welling up in his eyes. "You named a star after me?"
"That's how I will always think of you: beautiful and shining bright in my life. So, I thought why not name one after you. Do you like it?"
"Yes." Chris nods his head, smiling big. "I love it. Now I'm forever going to be in the sky." Chris leans over and kisses him, pulling back and nodding to the box in his hands, "Open yours."
Darren rips the paper off, excited like a child. Opening the box, he throws out the tissue paper to find a photo-album, picking it up he flips through it to find it empty. At the last page, he sees a letter pressed between the plastic. He grins as he begins to read the new letter from Chris.
Hi, Husband
Merry Christmas. Now, I bet you're wondering why you're holding an empty photo-album at the moment. Well, this is half of your gift, the other half you should ask for right about now.-
Looking up to Chris, he asks, "What other half?" He sees him pull another box from behind his back and hand it to him. Ripping off the wrapping paper, he sees it's a digital camera box. "Chris, I don't-"
"Finish the letter."
He looks back to the letter and continues to read.
-This camera is for you to take as many-or few-pictures of us to fill this album. Now, knowing you, you'll probably just end up taking hundreds of pictures of me. Take whatever pictures you wish, but take pictures, because this is to remember all the great time we had together after I'm gone. So, start taking pictures.
Love, Chris
Darren takes the digital camera out of the box to find it all ready to go. He immediately goes about taking pictures of Chris-like he knew he would.
That's what he does until the first photo album is filled with pictures of them, but mainly ones of Chris when he didn't know Darren was taking them. His favorite picture of him is one he will never let anyone see. Chris sits naked on the edge of the bed; as his skin glows in the morning sunlight, knees up to his chest with his arms wrapped around his legs, hair a mess, he looks at the camera with a smile on his face.
The pure look of love on his face outshines the rays of sunshine falling around him. He looks as if he was given the greatest gift as he stared into the camera.
Darren walked into the bedroom and instantly knew he had to capture the image; only taking one picture and nothing more.
"I love it," he tells Chris as he places the camera on the floor and kisses him.
Sometimes he'll catch himself doing it, and other times Chris is the one to point it out. He will sit there and twirl the ring on Chris' finger with a far off look in his eyes. One night as they lie there in bed with their limbs tangled and he does it without thought, Chris says, "Dare?"
"Um...Yeah?"
"Can I ask something of you?"
"Of course you can." Darren turns his head to look at him. "What do you want?"
Chris opens his mouth to talk, but nothing comes out. Sitting up, he buries his head in has hands and sighs when Darren sits up and kisses at his bare shoulder.
"It's okay, Chris, you don't have to tell me right now."
He picks his head up and looks at him with sadness in his eyes, saying, "You have to promise me you'll move on. Try to be happy with someone else after I'm gone from here."
Chris' words make it feel as if someone just punched him in the gut. His heart feels as if someone is squeezing it in his chest and won't let up, continuing until there is nothing left for him to feel alive.
"Chris...I d-don't think I'll be able-"
"You're going to have to try," Chris cuts him off, placing his hand on the side of Darren's face and stroking his thumb over his cheek. "You still have to live."
Darren closes his eyes-a single tear rolling down his face, and feeling Chris wipe it away. He drops his forehead to Chris', saying, "It won't be much of a life without you."
"But it will be a life," Chris softly says, voice hitching some as he talks. "Will you promise me?"
"Yes," Darren finally says, not knowing how much truth is behind his admission. "But I won't make any promises of meeting someone like you again."
"Of course not," Chris jokes, breaking the tension surrounding them like a thick blanket. "I'm one in a million."
Darren chuckles, kissing Chris hard enough so they both can forget the conversation they just had. When Darren pushes him to lie back on the bed, Chris spreads his legs and begins to lift his hips.
He ends up sitting up against the headboard with Chris in his lap as he slowly rocks his hips down around him. He hears him repeatedly whisper I'm sorry and I love you against his lips as they kiss.
"It's okay, Chris." He comforts him, rolling them over and wiping away the tears on Chris' cheeks. His eyes are red from crying as Darren leans down to kiss over each one softly, saying he loves him no matter what. He moves in him with slow rolls of his hips; Chris locking his ankles behind his back and tipping his head back, dropping his mouth open and moaning.
Fingernails break the skin of his back as Chris comes between them, saying his name. A few thrusts later, and Darren experiences his own release, kissing Chris as it happens.
After cleaning up, he holds Chris and tries not to think of the day when it's no longer Chris but someone entirely different; someone who will be all wrong. He knows no one will fit perfectly like Chris does; fill the spaces in him as seamlessly as Chris does when they hold each other.
Birthdays are simple celebrations of a cake with candles and spending the day in bed. Anniversaries are different in that they celebrate the first day they met, and when they got back together after Darren went after him. Their wedding anniversary is really different, because they both know it's the only one they'll get to celebrate together.
"When can I take this off?" Chris asks, gesturing to the scarf covering his eyes.
"In about..." Darren stops Chris right in the middle of the yard, "a minute." He moves to turn on all the lights streamed over trees and the back porch. He stands behind Chris and begins to untie the knot of the scarf, saying, "I know we said no presents, but," he drops the scarf and hears Chris gasp, "I couldn't resist making it memorable."
"It's beautiful," Chris whispers, turning around and throwing his arms around Darren's neck, kissing him. They kiss as the lights around them become more noticeable as the sun continues to set. Chris pulls back and breathlessly asks, "How about a dance?"
He wraps one arm around Chris' waist and clutches his hand in the other, resting it on his chest. Chris wraps his arm around his shoulders as Darren rests their foreheads together and begins to sway them slowly. The sound of the world around them providing its own version of music, until Chris whispers, "Sing for me, please."
Thinking about it for a second, Darren rests his forehead to Chris' temple, and begins to softly sing the Billie Holiday version of 'I'll Be Seeing You' into his ear. He hears Chris hum along as they slowly dance under the night sky.
Looking to him when finished singing, Darren thinks of a thousand different things to tell Chris; tries find the words to describe how he feels when he holds him this close to his body. "I love you," he says, instead, after coming up short and deciding on something that is simple but powerful enough to express how he feels.
"I love you, too." Chris smiles, leaning forward and pressing their lips together in a soft kiss.
Pulling back, Chris reaches into jacket pocket and pulls out an envelope. "I couldn't resist making it memorable, too." He presses the envelope into Darren's hand and gives him a quick kiss. "Read it. I'll be inside when you finish."
"Okay."
Darren waits till Chris is inside the house before sitting in one of the chairs being flooded with light. Pulling out the newest letter, he begins to read.
Hi, Husband
One year. It's crazy to think a year ago we got married. One year ago you became my husband and I became yours.
It has been the best year of my life. Living with you, waking up to you next to me, celebrating holidays and creating a semi-family with Charlie is more than I could have asked for.
I wish with all my heart I could give you more than a year; I wish I could give you fifty. But, I can't and it breaks my heart knowing you deserve those years; deserve so many more anniversaries. So, this one anniversary together is worth more than anything you could give me, because at least we made it here.
Now, enough with the sad, since this is a joyous occasion; come upstairs so we can spend the night in each other's arms.
Love, Chris
Darren goes up to their room to find candles lit all around the room, and lying on his stomach with his legs in the air, ankles crossed, is a naked Chris.
"Like my letter?" Chris grins, slowly moving his legs back-and-forth. He has his chin resting on his crossed arms and bites his lower lip as he watches Darren begin to undress.
Once out of all his clothes, Darren climbs into bed with Chris, looking down at him when he rolls over, brushing his thumb over his pink lips. "I'd rather have one year with you as my husband than to have never had you," he tells him with a smile. Leaning down to kiss him, Darren keeps his eyes on Chris' until he begins to kiss his way down his body.
Quick kisses are placed along Chris' exposed neck when he tips his head back, knowing he can't pay too much attention to any particular spot without a bruise appearing the next day. Even then, small fingertip bruises are always scattered over Chris' hips. He kisses over his body until Chris is begging for him.
He's on his back as Chris picks his hips up and drops down around him at a slow, drawn out pace. They both want to experience the build-up, let this last as long as possible. Sitting up has Chris maneuvering to wrap his legs around his waist
Holding Chris, Darren turns them over and lets him fall back on the pillows. Sitting back on his calves, he grabs under Chris' thighs and pulls him up so his ass is in his lap. Grabbing the top of Chris' thighs, Darren begins to roll his hips into him, seeing Chris claw at the bedsheets below his hands.
The mere sight of Chris as he experiences pleasure throughout his body is one that Darren loves; one he can never get enough of. Watching as he plants his hands to the headboard and work his hips down as best he can, Darren can tell he is close by how his breathing is getting heavier and he is starting to babble his words a bit.
"You close?" he asks as he leans down and kisses him; kisses lips that are parted around a moan.
"Yes," Chris gasps out, dropping his hand to clutch at Darren's shoulder.
Planting one hand on the bed beside Chris' head, and reaching down and wrapping his hand around Chris, Darren strokes him a couple of times before he is coming, and coming with him. They both ride out their orgasms together, experiencing pleasure that seems to be never-ending.
"Happy Anniversary," Darren breathlessly says as he captures Chris' mouth in a tender kiss after collapsing on top of him, feeling him smile against his mouth.
Fourteen months.
In the end that's how long they happily have married together...fourteen months. Right when Darren thinks everything will be okay, everything is looking up, just when he's about to look to the next fifty years everything changes. They're in the backyard walking hand-in-hand, Scout walking around sniffing random things, they're occasionally stealing kisses, when Chris walks to the rose bush. It happens so suddenly, one second he's smelling a single red rose, smiling at him and the next he's falling to the ground unconscious. He runs the second he notices it start to happen, picking Chris up in his arms and crying.
All he can think, all that runs through his mind is "Too soon. Too soon. I'm not ready. Not now."
The doctors give him less than two months, saying there's nothing they can do beyond making him comfortable. Darren barely pays attention to anything that's said to him, only squeezing Chris' hand as he sleeps. When he's left alone with him, he crawls into the hospital bed and hugs tight to Chris' body and cries.
He always looked at life as if there was always another tomorrow, another month, or another year. Now he knows life is more like an hourglass with sand slowly trickling to the bottom representing days passed and the ones remaining, waiting to be. With Chris, he knows these days are the last of the sand falling to the bottom until there are none left, and he can't do anything to stop them from falling; he can't turn the hourglass upside down and give him more of the time he deserves, he has to sit and watch and be helpless as the final grains of sand become fewer and fewer.
He thinks about that as he lies in the hospital bed with Chris, who has a breathing tube in his nose; there are dark circles under his eyes and his lips are slightly chapped, bruises scattered up and down his arms. He looks strong, but Darren knows without having to be told that he's terrified, he's trying not to make it known how scared he really is. Around family and friends, he laughs and smiles and jokes and goes about being his normal self as best he can, but some nights Darren will hold him as he cries about the 'unfairness of it all' as he once sobbed against his shoulder.
Other nights Chris just asks to be held; to be comforted by the embrace that has come to make him feel safe and warm and happy. This night, Darren holds him as he lays with his back to him, both of them staring out the window at the bright moon.
"I wonder which one is my star?" Chris curiously asks.
Darren chuckles as he says, "Remember when we tried to find it? You eventually got so frustrated you kicked the telescope stand down."
"God, don't remind me," Chris groans, turning around to face Darren. "One of many stories you'll get to tell about us. Just imagine the story you get to tell about us when someone asks if you've ever been in love," Chris faintly says, bringing up his hand to wipe away the tears rolling down Darren's face.
"No one wants to hear a story with an unhappy ending," Darren mumbles through the tears that haven't seemed to stop in the last three weeks.
"Just think, no matter how sad the end, you still have what happened in the beginning and middle."
"It's not enough for me."
"It has to be."
One night as he lies in the bed singing a random song, Chris turns to him with a serious look in his eyes.
"You know I thought about what it would have been like to raise a family with you," Chris whispers, trying to smile through the sadness that seems to overtake him all the time now. "I saw a little girl with your curly hair and hazel eyes; a little pout on her face when she would get in trouble."
"Chris, please...I can't-" he doesn't want to hear what could've been between them. He can't hear about a family that will never come in to fruition.
"I just want it to be known to you, that if it were possible, I would have had a big family with you."
"We would have been great fathers," Darren quietly says, seeing everything Chris is describing and more.
"No, Dare," Chris says, stroking his thumb over Darren's cheek. "You're going to be a great father."
Without Chris, without the one person he would have created a family with in a heartbeat, without the love his life, Darren isn't sure he could start a family with someone else.
"I'm scared," Chris weakly confesses as he lets himself be held by Darren.
He doesn't have to ask to know what Chris is talking about. It's not surprising, considering he would be feeling the same. And truth be told, he is feeling the same thing for his own reasons.
"I know," Darren replies back in a whisper.
The next night with the curtains pushed wide open and the moon and stars shining through, Darren holds tight to Chris as he leans against his body. He said he wanted one final dance with him...with his husband.
Scrolling through the songs on his phone, Darren finally decided on a slow, instrumental song they could easily dance to.
Kissing Chris' forehead as they slowly move side-to-side, he softly whispers into Chris' ear, "You're my forever." In that moment is when he truly knows that this love of theirs will go beyond what is here and now. He knows that somehow, somewhere they will meet again.
"You feel it, too, don't you?" Chris faintly says, picking his head up off his shoulder. "You feel as if we'll see each other again?"
"Yes." Darren nods his head, not surprised Chris felt the same.
"Good," Chris huffs out, smiling. "I didn't get enough time with you here."
Darren kisses him and they dance for another ten minutes until Chris says he's tired. As he watches him sleep, Darren wonders just how it is they'll see each other again like Chris said.
It's like any other normal night as he holds Chris, falling asleep only to be awakened a few hours later by him as he brushes their lips together. Opening his tired eyes, he smiles at Chris. "Hi," he softly whispers.
"Dare," Chris weakly says, "I love you so much."
It's normal for them to tell each other that, but something about the way Chris says it this time is different. Just looking at him and into his eyes, he knows; knows what Chris is telling him.
"No!" He hears his voice breaking and feels tears filling his eyes.
"It's okay...It's fine." Chris wipes away the tears that fall from his eyes.
Darren hates that Chris comforting him at a time like this, when he should be the one to comfort Chris. "Does it hurt?"
"No." Chris smiles at him. "It's like I'm slowly falling asleep, I don't feel it happening, but I know it is."
Linking his fingers with one of Chris' hands, he thinks holding it tight will anchor him to this world much longer.
"It's okay to hate me...afterwards," Chris tells him.
"Why would I hate you?"
"For what I'm about to put you through," Chris answers, barely able to squeeze his hand in his. "For having you fall in love with me even though I can't be with you beyond our short time together."
"I'll never hate you, Chris," Darren murmurs through his tears. Wiping away the ones that have already rolled down his face, he stops crying because he has to be strong right now for Chris. "What do you want me to do?"
"Just hold me," Chris replies.
The sound of doctors and nurses doing everything they can to bring him back, the heart monitor letting out a constant stream of the flatline noise, and his own heartbeat are loud in his ears as he slides down the wall outside the room a few hours later, not yet crying over losing him. It's standing up when he sees Chris' parents running down the hall and seeing his mom get hysterical after telling them, does it fully hit him and he breaks.
Once he starts crying he doesn't stop. He cries for everything lost and for everything he will never get. He cries as he feels as his heart is smashed and broken into millions of pieces that will make it impossible to put back together no matter how hard he tries.
He doesn't know how long he sits there and cries, but he knows, now, time doesn't matter when he doesn't have Chris to waste it away together.
He gets an unexpected surprise a month later.
The month he lived was one of hell. Having to watch as his best friend and husband was lowered into the ground pretty much broke him completely. Going on living as if he is normal and not wanting to just…be with Chris is hard. Putting on the charade that he is okay is hard, but he does it because he doesn't want having people worry about him. He wants to be alone in a world where it seems as if there is nothing left for him.
But in the mail about five weeks later is one final letter from Chris. Unlike the other letters, it takes him hours to carefully open the envelope and pull out the piece of paper inside. He wants to devour this letter like the others, but knowing it's the last one, he takes his time.
Hi, Husband
Bet this is coming as a shock to you, because if you're reading this, it means I'm no longer with you. I had this organized so you would get this after I passed.
Now, on to the reason I'm writing this.
I wish there was something I could have done or said to show just how much I appreciated having you in my short life. You made the last two and a half years of my life so much more than I thought they would be. You filled my life with a happiness that I didn't know was possible, that I never thought would be possible considering what I was going through.
But mainly, you loved...no love me-because I know you always will-in a way that somehow had me living the last years of my life for that love. I think I held on long as I did because how you loved me was something so powerful it had me clinging to life just so I could continue to feel it. You loved me in a way that comes along once in a lifetime.
Now, even though I say our love was a once in a lifetime love, I clearly remember a promise you made me. I don't want you to live the remainder of your life unhappy and alone; look for someone that you can at least maybe see yourself falling in love with. Maybe get married again, have that family we couldn't, create new memories that will make all this easier for you to remember later in life.
Remember how you said on our wedding anniversary night: I would rather have you as my husband for a year than to never have had you. I should have told you I felt the same; I would rather had you the short time we were together than have to pass on this love in a world where I lived longer than twenty-two.
In the end, all I mainly ask of you is don't forget me. Now, I know you're probably shaking your head saying 'I could never do that' but I don't mean forget me all together. What I mean is to remember me how I was before I became really sick those last two months. Remember me happy, healthy as I could be, and completely in love with you.
God, I'm going to miss you just as much you'll miss me. But know this, I do plan to see you again, I don't know how soon, but I will see you again.
Love, with all my heart, and forever your husband, Chris
Life after him is a constant dull gray that never goes beyond that. People told him it would get better as the days went on; when in reality it seemed as if every day was a constant reminder of a day without him. On the days he managed to get out of bed, he would only have to walk into a room and feel his heart ache, because no matter where he was in the house, Chris was everywhere. He could vividly see him standing in front of the bathroom sink brushing his teeth with ruffled hair, sitting on the kitchen counter eating strawberries, walking around in the back as Scout ran around, or sitting on the front porch steps with his elbows on his knees and chin in his hands. Chris crept into every facet of his life and the world that surrounds him that he couldn't go back to living without having him there in some way, and it only made it worse.
His friends and family tried to convince him to move out of the house and leave, but he doesn't listen and ends up staying. The home is the one place-even though it brings great pain-brings him great memories of days in each other's arms, celebrating holidays, dinners, and being in love.
He lies in bed all day more than he should, but he doesn't care because he holds Chris' pillow close and breathes in the smell of him still strongly lingering there.
He lives the best he can without the one person he wants most.
Two Years Later
As he sits on the ground plucking blades of grass, and watching them blow away with the wind, Darren thinks back to a few years ago. He thinks back to a time with Chris at his side with a smile that always made him feel happy no matter how he felt before seeing it.
"Sorry I didn't come sooner." Darren lays the bouquet of yellow roses on the ground next to the tombstone. "I don't think I was prepared, I don-...I don't know if I'll ever…" he trails off, not knowing what to say. Not that he's at a loss for words, he just doesn't want to start crying two minutes after sitting down, he at least wants to make it five.
"I went on a date a few weeks ago." He decides to say, picking a topic that is easy to talk about. "It was strange sitting across from this person when all I could think about was you. I thought about what we would be doing if you were there instead. The bad thing is, under different circumstances, I could have seen myself going on many more dates with them. But at the end, I went home and read your letter that you left me in Spain. Then, I read all the other letters you wrote me before you went."
He twirls the silver band on his finger, knowing he should remove it, but can't.
"I still wear this," Darren says as he twists the ring again. "I think it keeps people away, because the instant they see it, they back-off and I do nothing to tell them I shouldn't even still be wearing this. I'll always wear it, because it was one of the best moments of my life-marrying you. It fills me with joy knowing I gave you the last thing you wanted."
He sits there for a few minutes not saying anything, until he remembers something. "Scout misses you, I can tell. He gets sad and will sleep on your side of the bed some days and lie there as if waiting for you to come and yell at him to get off." Darren chuckles at the memories of Chris doing that more than a handful of times.
'Scout, I love ya, but get off the bed,' Chris says short of yelling. Darren laughs when Scout lifts his head and looks at Chris as if he's dumb, dropping it back down again. 'I will take you to the vet and get you neutered.' Chris smiles in victory when Scout instantly jumps off the bed and runs away to hide somewhere for a few hours.
'You could have just pushed him off,' Darren says right before kissing Chris.
'I know,' Chris replies as he sits on the bed and lies back. 'But I like messing with him.'
'He's gonna bite you one day.' Darren hooks his fingers into Chris' pants and begins to pull them down when Chris lifts his hips.
'He barely makes an effort to growl at me,' Chris tells Darren, sitting up and pulling his shirt over his head. 'I don't think he is energetic enough to bite me.'
Fixing the roses once again (even though they don't need it) and running the tips of his fingers over the letters engraved in the stone, Darren knows he should leave but can't bring himself to.
"I miss you so much," he confesses, bringing his knees up to his chest and wrapping his arms around his legs. "I miss seeing you smile and laugh. I miss everything about you. But I think I miss your eyes the most." As a tear rolls down Darren's cheek, he brings his hand up to wipe it away, but it doesn't matter because the tears don't stop. "God, I miss how you made me feel when you were around. When you were around I could breathe, now it seems like I'm gasping for every little breath."
It's the truth. He still feels as if he's underwater in the middle of the ocean; drowning, and surrounded by a darkness that only seems to get worse. He can see the surface of the water above him; can see the light that awaits him if he were to just swim up and break the surface, pulling in the air his lungs are fighting for. Instead, he stays where he is and continues to drown, because he isn't ready to heal. He still wants to feel the pain, surround himself in nothing but the darkness that is more comforting than any light can be; he's still not ready to take that breath. He's not sure he ever will be.
Standing up to walk back to his car and climbing in, Darren turns on the radio and doesn't know whether to cry or scream in agony and pain at the song playing.
The song takes him back to the night holding Chris and singing it for him.
He turns up the volume and just listens, knowing deep down what it means.
I wanna feel your feet lifting off the ground
Wanna feel you love me at the speed of sound
Babe, it could end tonight, know it would be alright
I'm gonna love you somewhere on the other side
I'm gonna love you somewhere on the other side
I'm gonna love you somewhere on the other side