Lesson Four: Boxes

As I step through the door I am swallowed by the darkness of my seemingly dark apartment. I place my keys on the dresser and continue through the hallway. Pictures of Sakura and I are hanging on the walls, our faces are darkened. It almost feels ominous. Almost. There are pictures of Sakura's family hanging on the walls as well. There are lots of them. There are none of mine. For good reason, I guess. Hanging pictures of past loved ones who are gone is useless. It is only there to burn a hole in your heart. It is only there to remind you of your bitter past. It didn't make sense. So I left those alone.

I continued on down the hallway, it was long, and once you got to the end you always noticed how empty and sad our apartment was. We hardly had anyone over. Most of the things we had were because you're supposed to have those sort of things filling up your apartment. But, as I went to flip the light on, I quickly realized that this never was a home. Especially when I heard, "Sasuke," spoken very sternly and Sakura sitting on the couch, her face stained with tears, and her bags packed.

This was never home. I was just kidding myself all along. I think we both were and she just realized it hours before I did.

"Sakura, why are your bags packed?" She looks up at me, irritation evident on her face. We both know that I'm just asking this because it's what a person is supposed to ask in a situation like this. But I know. God, damn it all, I know.

"Sasuke," she takes off her engagement rings and sets it on the table, "I've waited for you to love me for too long. For far too long, Sasuke. When we were children, I thought it was a meaningless crush but once you finally made that step in high school I had thought my life was all coming together."

She paused. Not to wait for a response because she already knew it. She already knew what sort of man I was.

"I thought the world was put into place once we started dating. I thought that love was all a woman needed to survive, you know, I was such a stupid kid," she shakes her head, now gripping onto her skirt tightly. I can't see her face but I can tell that she is trying not to cry. "I was such a stupid woman, Sasuke, to think that you could ever love me."

God, this was fucking dreadful to stand here and watch this.

She angrily looks up at me and grabs her bags. She stands up and says, "Ino is waiting to pick me up. I'm staying with her."

"Sakura, wait!" I quickly maneuver towards her and grab her arm of which she quickly snaps away. She drops one of her bags in the process of snapping away from me. There is a loud thud and I'm confused as to whether the sound is coming from her bags or her heart that I have so suddenly broken.

"Sasuke, I can read you so well," she sighs, "This process of breaking my heart, it's been happening for years. Not just today, or yesterday, last week, last month but for years. For years it has been a process," she bends down to pick up her bag. "I just wish you would realize it already, about who you really loved. At first, I was confused about it. Like you still are but…I've studied psychology, Sasuke. This entire plan for happiness, it doesn't involve me as a lover, perhaps as a friend, but definitely not a lover. You can't love me so intimately."

"Sakura, what are you talking about? I want to marry you!"

"Marriage is a lot more serious than you must realize, Sasuke. It's not something you do without proper reason. We're not forced to wed so that you may inherit my dowry," she gently shoves me, almost in a playful way, and then flicks my forehead. "Don't you realize it? I knew it all along in high school, even when you didn't. I just hoped your feelings might change. They did for a little bit while he was gone but…then you fell into this rut and were completely numb to everything. I know that he's here and…"

"And what Sakura?"

"God, you're so fucking daft," tears begin to well up in her eyes. "I have to go. I need to get away from you."

And just like that, she storms out the door, almost falling over her bags but she leaves gracefully as she always does. I stand in our dim lit living room for a while as I watch the lock turn. She will have to give me back that key later and we would have to talk. After that, everything will be as it was before.

I sigh and head to the kitchen. There is a large bottle of whiskey and I'm most ready to swallow its bitter taste and allow it to overcome me. I grab a small glass and pour the contents into my glass, I down it quickly. It burns my throat as it passes through my gullet. A bitter taste for a bitter world. A bitter world for a bitter man.

I head over to the couch and continue drinking. Contrary to what kids may believe, alcohol is as much a drug as anything else, and as such, a drug can make you forget for a little while. Just for a little while. Certainly, some drugs are more disgusting than others but this one suits me just fine. I nurse the bottle until I am obviously drunk.

I lean my head against the couch, and I still feel the need to cry but even relishing in this terrible feeling that has only exposed itself more so from drinking I cannot.

I couldn't think anymore. At least, I won't remember what I think tomorrow. So there's no point in thinking. And so, I sleep.

"Sasuke…"

It sounds like his voice in my dreams. But this will always only be a dream, whispering my voice in such a way, it's simply a dream.

I wake up to someone banging at my door. It is quick and irritating as my head is pounding. It is still night and, as I am delusional from waking up, I do not realize that I am no longer drunk but hung over and in dire need of a shower. Even so, I get up without thinking, with the automatic hope that this may be Sakura, and head over to open the door. She has come back. I knew she would. She forgot to leave the keys here.

"Whoa, you look disgusting."

I look up, at first, I see Sakura, but then my eyes focus and it isn't her standing at my door. It's Naruto.

"You must have had a ridiculous night," Naruto smirked, his arm leaning against my door frame. He looks sort of like a bad ass in a "rock" band. Wait, I almost forgot, he is, although, he would run his mouth about genres if I had considered his music just rock. It's hardcore. I hear him chiming in my head over and over.

"Weren't you…playing a show?" My voice is gruff and I'm squinting even though it is dark. I just want to sit down, really.

"That was last night, fool. Man, you must have gotten messed up last night," he pats my back and it almost throws me over. Speaking with Naruto in such a way reminds me that we are only twenty three, that we are only two young kids. Strange, I forget sometimes how young we are. What business do I have even teaching a university course? I don't have the right. I don't believe that I do.

"Where's Sakura?" he enters my home without being offered inside in his usual intrusive way.

"She's not here," I groan.

"I thought you two would be fucking like bunnies. I was hoping to intrude," he stops at the table and sees her engagement ring lying on the table. "Oh…I see."

"Yeah," I close the door, walk passed him, and plop down on the couch, rubbing my head as I do so.

"Now I understand the gruff image," Naruto grinned, as he took the seat opposite from me. "You were always one to drink your sorrows away."

"And what of you, Naruto?"

"What of me? I may drink but not excessively and fuck those drugs. Fuck them."

"You know, all the girls in school think you were a drug addict or something that miraculously became clean."

"Yeah, I know, they obviously haven't really read the damn book," Naruto sighed. "Stupid girls. They don't know a thing."

"I know. Those girls are just…"

"Don't say another word, I know," he laughs, obviously thinking the same things as I have at some point. "They moan over you too and they talk about how romantic and sweet you are to your fiancé."

I sigh, picking up the engagement ring and staring at it, "Yeah, I am quite the romantic."

Naruto burst into violent laughter, "When I overheard them talking I couldn't help but snicker. You're not exactly the romantic type."

"How do you know I haven't changed over these five years?"

"And would you be nursing a bottle of Jack Daniel's if you have?"

"No, you're right," I throw my head back and stare at the ceiling. "I am a fool."

For a while, the two of us sit in silence. This is so strange, so strange to be sitting here like this, talking like this, being like this. It feels so good, so right. It feels like the world is being placed back in order. It feels that same way…but I've grown tired of using the door analogy.

"Naruto," I stare right at him, and he is staring back at me with the same warmth I've become so accustomed too. "It makes me feel…happy…that we're friends again. I'm …sorry…about when we were kids."

"Nah, that was a long time ago. I could have done something about it too but I was too butt hurt and proud."

"Still…"

"Don't worry about it, Sasuke," his grin widens. "Life is quite long."

"Yeah," I put the ring down on the table and sigh. "It is."

"Come on," he gets up, "Let's pack up the rest of the stuff Sakura left so that she can take the rest when she's ready."

"Aren't you going to tell me to go and do some romantic gesture to get her back?"

"If a woman leaves after years of pain, especially a strong woman like that, it's best to let her go. She's obviously realized that the two of you are only headed into a destructive marriage. Be glad she did because you weren't willing to admit it. Thank god you two didn't have children."

"Right," I sigh.

I take out a few boxes and the two of us scan through the apartment for her things. It almost feels as if someone has died and we are clearing out the memories of them. Perhaps, that's the only way I could ever think of clearing out pictures of another person. After the pictures and her objects are taken care of we head to the bedroom to deal with her clothing. I open up her closet and we start throwing things into the box.

Naruto pulls out a white dress from the closest, her wedding dress that she must have picked out yesterday.

"Damn, that's depressing," Naruto sighs and he puts it back on the rack. The two of us think the same thing, that it would just be a bad gesture to include her wedding dress. Some of her clothing brings back memories, some of her clothing still have her scent, and it tears at my heart.

"This must be hard on you too."

"It's okay," I sigh, throwing one of her summer dresses into the box. She wore that on a picnic we had one lovely summer. "It's a lot harder for her than it is for me."

"But I can tell, even so, that you did really love her. I guess you just got lost or…"

Naruto stops and we both don't continue the conversation. We just keep throwing clothes into the box, we keep pushing her further and further away. Part of me is afraid of what this will lead to. Things will no longer be as they once were. Now, I don't have a plan. Now, I don't know where to go. Sakura always made me feel safe. She always made me feel sure of myself. Now, I'm not so sure.

Deep in my thoughts, I automatically reach for a hanger and my hand lands on Naruto's. We both turn and stare at each other for a while. My heart is pounding so hard that it is loud in my ears. I feel as if it is about to rip out of my chest. All I can hear is the sound of my heart, and all that I can feel is the warmth of Naruto's skin.

"You're actually warm, Sasuke," Naruto whispers. Somehow, it feels as if the world is pushing us closer together, as if everything is coming together with just this one gesture. His hand moves from my hand, up my arm, to the base of my neck. I feel afraid, nervous. I don't know. There's just too much feeling for me to understand all of it at once. There's too much. And as we inch closer I…

"Sasuke!"

The two of us pull away and straighten ourselves.

"Sasuke!" It's Sakura's voice. You can hear her footsteps inch closer to the bedroom as Naruto and I pull further away from each other.

"Sasuke!" She stands at the front door and stares at the two of us standing around awkwardly. "Ah, Naruto!"

Excitement overcomes her and she runs over to give Naruto a tight hug. His frame envelops her body as they hug.

"It's been so long! What are you doing here?"

"I came to visit you two but then I found Sasuke here as pathetic as always," Naruto snickers. I only shrink further into the closet. I just want to sit in the corner and die.

"Yeah," she looks down at her feet and then, without looking at me, hands me her key. "I forgot to give you this last night. I'll come back for my things another day."

I only nod as I take the key from her. I have somehow lost my ability to speak.

"It was nice seeing you, Naruto, we should catch up sometime."

"Of course," Naruto smiled. So warm…he was so warm.

"Okay, well, I'll call you, Sasuke."

Again, I only nod.

"I'll show myself out."

I nod again.

She leaves the room. We listen to her footsteps as she heads to the door. We listen to her open the door, and close it.

And I feel so damn spineless.

I turn around and continue to throw her things into the box. Instead of speaking another word, Naruto remains silent as well.

Life only gets more difficult the older you get. You end up having to pack up more and more boxes and lock them away. That's just how it is.

I hope you enjoyed the chapter. Let me know what you think, reviews are much appreciated. :D