A/N: I've edited this chapter like five times and I think I'm finally satisfied with how it turned out.
Warning for mentions of past trauma
Chapter 19
Tony arrives in his childhood lab, a place he hasn't been to in at least twenty years. The brunet enters the lab, looking around at the finished and unfinished experiments of his youth. He remembers the lab used to be one of his safe havens where he could escape from his broken family.
The only person Tony willingly let into this space was Jarvis, who came down every day to watch him invent and inquire knowledge about what the young master was building. In fact, the butler was present when Tony first built Dummy. He smiles; Tony doesn't think he'll ever forget the look of absolute pride on Jarvis's face when the robot made his first movements.
Most days spent in the lab are good memories—happy times that Tony looks back on fondly. Some days, however, Howard would force his way in, usually while drunk, hurling insults at Tony while destroying any experiments left out in the open. Whenever this happened, Tony would hide in the cupboard, hoping that his angry father never found him. On these days, no matter how scared Tony was, he would force his way upstairs to dinner so not to anger his father further nor worry Jarvis.
Tony narrows his eyes at the last memory, before shaking his head and clearing his mind. Thinking about Howard now isn't going to do him any good, especially since the brunet is pretty sure he still has a stash of liquor hidden down here and he hasn't touched a drop of alcohol since Steve consoled him after Tony and Pepper had that huge fight.
"Sir, are you alright?"
"I'm fine. Let's get to work," Tony says, as he stands in front of the lab table that has Dummy's remains scattered across the glass surface. "I'm hoping I can get Dummy functional again so I can start rebuilding my armor. Do I still have the spare suit?"
"It's in your usual limo, sir."
"Excellent, I'll have Happy drop it off later then."
JARVIS doesn't respond.
Tony stays silent, and decides to get working on repairing Dummy. The brunet feels bad for his bot—the poor thing didn't deserve to be caught in the crossfire of the Avengers battle with Skull and Hydra.
Two hours later, he puts the final additions on Dummy and watches with a smile as the robot comes back to life.
Dummy raises his robotic arm, chirping curiously and looking at his surroundings before turning to Tony. The robot makes a happy sound and nuzzles his maker's arm with his robotic claw. Tony smiles and pats the robot, fondly. "Good to have you back, buddy."
"Sir, Mistress Romanov is requesting entry."
"Let her in," Tony says. He turns away from Dummy, who is rolling around the lab happily, to look at Natasha. "Hey."
"Hey, Clint and I are taking Bucky shopping and were wondering if you wanted to come?" Nat says. "Also, Rhodey called and said that he's moving in permanently. He's bringing the rest of his things over tonight."
"I was wondering if sugar cake was going to move in for good," Tony says with a smile. "How did you convince Bucky to go shopping though? It's one of the many things he loves to procrastinate on."
Natasha smirks. "I have my ways."
Tony snorts as he grabs a rag off the table and starts wiping his hands off. "I'll go with you guys, for sure. This is my last pair of clean clothes and I got them from Coulson."
The assassin laughs. "Aw, you don't Shield's hand-me-downs?"
He shudders. "Not one bit."
"Well, it's good that you're on board. We can take the minivan."
The brunet gives Natasha a surprised look. "The minivan survived?"
"Yeah; Cap had her fished out of the wreckage and fixed her up himself," Nat answers with a grin.
"I can't wait to see her," Tony says, tossing the rag onto the table. "Let's go," he adds before following Natasha out of the lab.
The four Avengers arrive at the shops on Fifth Avenue twenty minutes later. Tony puts the minivan in park and sighs. While he's thrilled that their vehicles managed to survive the attack, he wishes the Tower could have survived as well.
Tony turns to Bucky, who is sitting in the passenger's side looking around the area with wonder. "I have something for you."
"What is it?" Bucky asks. He takes the card Tony is holding out to him and looks it over.
"A Stark Card, it's linked up to a private account that only you and Pepper, my former assistant and the CEO of my company, have access to. I had her make one up after you passed out on me while we were on the plane. She sounded exhausted. I don't think she's slept in a while." Tony shakes his head trying to get back on track. "Anyway, with this you won't have to worry about money, and Pep will let you know if you're spending too much."
"Thank you, Tony," Bucky says with a genuine smile. "It still doesn't change the fact that I hate shopping."
"Let's do it anyway, whoo!"Clint exclaims before leaping out of the van and running towards Louis Vuitton.
"Clint calm down before you get banned from here too," Tony says, exiting the car with Bucky and Nat.
"Banned?" Bucky questions.
"It's a long story," Natasha says before linking her arm with Bucky's.
Inside Louis Vuitton, Tony separates himself from Nat and Bucky to search for Clint, stopping along the way to grab a few items for his wardrobe. The brunet finally finds Clint hovering by a coat rack and looking at something in the distance.
Tony rolls his eyes before joining the archer. "What the hell are you doing?"
"Shh! Get down!" Clint exclaims in a hushed tone. He grabs Tony by his shirtsleeve and pulls him down so he's hiding behind the coat rack.
Tony sighs. "Clint—"
"Shh! Be quiet or they'll hear you!" Clint says before peaking over the coat rack.
"Who will?" Tony asks, mimicking his teammate's quiet tone.
"Bucky and Nat."
"Why does it matter?"
"Because I have something to tell you, and Nat would kill me if I told. Well, if she finds out."
"What?"
"I think Nat has a crush on Bucky."
Tony raises an eyebrow. "How do you know?"
"I mean, I don't know for sure. I still have some more investigating to do, but while you two were in the hospital, she wondered about Bucky a lot," Clint says. "I know that doesn't mean she has a crush, but Nat rarely worries people she doesn't know well. And even though Bucky is a cool guy, despite the fact that he cheats at poker, we don't know him as well as you and Steve."
Clint does make a good point. Natasha isn't one to openly express her emotions, even around people she trusts, and she's always in control of her actions. The first time Tony saw the assassin lose any semblance of that control was after she almost died in England and when he was trapped in his suit and everyone was so overwhelmed they couldn't get away to help her.
"You should try this one," Natasha says, which draw Tony and Clint's gazes to her. She and Bucky are standing together near the store entrance, with Nat holding out a dark purple shirt to the man. "We'll have to see if any of the changing rooms are—and you're pulling your shirt off in the middle of the store."
"What?" Bucky says with a lopsided grin. "Is there a problem?"
"Not at all," Natasha responds before handing Bucky the purple shirt.
Tony grins amused. The brunet would give anything to see Natasha's face.
"Shit, Bucky's a babe," Clint exclaims in a hushed tone.
"Clint, close your mouth, you're going to attract bugs."
"Dude, look at him! If Nat doesn't hit that, I will."
The billionaire has to cover his mouth to prevent himself from howling with laughter.
"Let me help you with that," Natasha says after Bucky completely pulls on the other shirt. She begins running her hands over to the arms to smooth out the wrinkles, lingering on his biceps and pecks.
Tony smiles to himself, as he watches Nat interact with Bucky. Some of the moves she is pulling reminds of him of the numerous embarrassing things he did when he was originally trying to get with Steve.
"Hey, did you see where Clint and Tony went?" Bucky asks curiously as he changes back into his original shirt.
"I didn't, actually," Nat says as she turns her head to look around the store.
"Oh shit," Clint says in whispered panic. "We gotta look busy!" The archer looks around before pulling a black military style coat off the rack and thrusting it at Tony. "Here try this one."
Tony snorts, amused, but tries on the coat. "What do you think?" he says, spinning around in a complete circle.
"I like it. No, really, I do," Clint adds at Tony's doubting look. "I think Steve would like it too. He seems like the guy with a military kink."
"You have no idea," Tony says before laughing at Clint's shocked expression. "I'm kidding, I'm kidding."
Clint's expression relaxes.
"He's more into being tied up," Tony responds before laughing in his friend's face again.
"Will you—I didn't need to know that about—come on man," Clint says, defeated.
"There you guys are," Natasha says as she and Bucky join the two men beside the coat rack. She furrows her brow. "What's going on?"
"Tony thinks traumatizing me is funny," Clint says with a frown.
"This is Tony, Clinton, it shouldn't surprise you," Natasha says. "Now, come on. Let's head out and search some more stores. I saw a shoe sale at Chanel."
Clint shrugs. "Alright."
Tony and Bucky pay for their items before heading out of the store. The group of four continues shopping around for about twenty more minutes before Bucky and Tony are overwhelmed with bags from various stores. Clint and Natasha have also acquired a few bags of their own.
"I think I'm good," Tony says before turning to Bucky. "You?"
"Yeah, I'm good," Bucky responds.
"Awesome, let's go back to the mansion," Clint says. "I want to teach Bucky how to play Wii."
Bucky gives the archer a confused look. "Wii?"
That night, Tony lays in bed unable to sleep. The brunet sighs. He thought that the nightmare, shopping, and playing Wii against Bucky's cheating ass would have tired him out, but evidently, that was not the case. Tony looks to his right and sees Steve passed out beside him, with his features relaxed and breathing steady. He smiles; his boyfriend is the cutest thing on the planet—no, in the universe.
Tony's smile turns into a frown and he sighs again. He's wide awake and he knows if he keeps laying here without sleeping, he's going to get irritated and break something (it's happened far more times than Pepper would like to admit). Usually when he's awake like this, he would go down to the lab and tinker, but for some reason, he doesn't have the urge to go downstairs.
The brunet pauses to think before an idea hits him. He could go to the roof. When he was younger, Tony always found refuge there especially during those times when he couldn't stand being in the house after a particularly nasty spat with Howard.
With this goal in mind, Tony carefully slips out of bed, taking extra care not to wake Steve. The blond shifts in his sleep and mutters the brunet's name, but otherwise doesn't awaken. Tony smiles to himself before pulling on his clothes from yesterday and heading for the roof.
When the genius arrives, he is immediately hit with the sounds and sights of New York City at night. Tony closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, taking in the scent of his hometown. The billionaire opens his eyes after a few moments before discovering that he isn't alone on the roof. There's another figure sitting on the edge, silently observing their surroundings.
Tony furrows his brow, approaching the figure cautiously before realizing the mystery figure is Bucky. He sits down next to the man, not wanting to disturb the atmosphere, but also wanting to know if everything is all right with his friend.
He bites his lip, trying to think of a way to break the calm aura surrounding them. "Nice night."
"Yeah," Bucky responds, not taking his gaze away from the city.
"I don't know about you, but I'm really glad to be back in New York."
"Same."
Tony frowns. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah," Bucky sighs. "No, I've . . . just been having a hard time adjusting, is all."
"You could talk to Steve about that," Tony suggests, deciding not to call out Bucky for his obvious lie. The man sitting next to him has had an easier adjustment to the modern world than Steve did. Then again, the Avengers got to Bucky first and successfully kept him away from Shield's prying hands.
"I can't, it would . . . it's nothing he should concern himself with."
Tony gives Bucky a concerned look. He feels like he can almost get the other man to start opening up. "You should to talk to someone, even if it's not Steve."
"Can I talk with you?" Bucky asks, turning to Tony. The poor man looks like he hasn't slept properly in weeks. How has Tony not seen this before?
"I'm not the best at this sort of thing," Tony warns.
"Would you be willing to listen anyway?" Bucky says with slight desperation in his voice.
Tony nods his head. "Yeah."
"It's, um, not about adjusting to all this modernization." Bucky returns his gaze back to the city. "I lied before about how much I remembered. I remember most of it: the experiments, the missions, being frozen for years at a time, and all the people I . . . I can hear the screams of the people I murdered ringing in my ears. I can see them whenever I close my eyes."
He shakes his head. "You wanna hear something that's really fucked up? The memories that were triggered by Skull in England. I was the one who captured Dennis. I was the one who tortured him, killed him, and then disposed of his body. He acted as if everything was cool. He pretended to be my friend, or some equivalent, to get information from me. He used me . . . everyone did."
Bucky pauses running a hand through his hair. "I just feel so stupid, you know? The Russian's used me for their own twisted game. When I tried fighting against them, they continuously wiped my mind, thinking that I would forget and just be a mindless little puppet for the rest of my life. All I did was stop fighting. The less I fought, the less I was tortured."
"I am just so tired of living this way. Every night I wake up in a panic, fearing that everything that's happened in the past four and a half months is a dream and that I'm going to be back in that frozen tube with my next target already programmed into my brain." Bucky sighs, sounding exhausted. "It would have been better, for everyone, if I just died during the war. Why couldn't I have just died?"
Tony gulps, glancing over Bucky's torn features, unable to process everything that he was told. The brunet has been suspicious that Bucky has been lying about his memories since the beginning, but he had no idea how haunted the other man is by his past. Tony takes a breath, trying to work out the best words to respond with.
"When I first met Steve, he told me I reminded him of you." After the Battle of New York, Tony confronted Steve about why he hated him so much. Steve responded that he didn't hate Tony, but the brunet so many similarities to Bucky (from the way he made his presence known to calling him "Stevie") that he didn't know how to act around him. "That remains to this day the highest compliment that I have ever received."
Bucky's head whirls to Tony, meeting the other man's eyes for the first time since his confession, with a shocked look on his face.
"You are cared for and valued by so many, but by no one more than Steve." Tony glances over Bucky's features. The former soldier looks like he's about to cry. "You need to tell him everything you just told me."
"I can't," Bucky says, voice cracking on the last word. "He won't . . . what if he doesn't . . ."
"Bucky, he's your best friend. He knows you, he loves you," Tony says gently. "You need to tell him."
Bucky tries to respond, but a choked sob escapes his lips. Tony opens is arms and Bucky falls into them, openly crying against his shoulder. The brunet holds his friend tight, resting his chin on top of the other man's head.
Tony wakes up the next morning alone. He places his hand on the spot where Steve normally lies only to find the area cold, indicating that the blond has been gone for a while. Maybe he went for a run.
"JARVIS, what time is it?"
"Ten in the morning, sir."
The brunet purses his lips, as his thoughts drift back to last night. After Bucky had apologized numerously for letting himself cry—and Tony repeatedly told the man that it was okay to cry, despite the fact his statement makes him a huge hypocrite—the pair stayed on the roof talking and watching the sunrise, which caused them to remember what time it was. They then bid each other good night ("Well, technically, I should be saying good morning since it is like six, but you get me," Bucky had said with a small smile).
"Did Bucky get any sleep?"
"Master Barnes had a total of approximately twenty minutes of rest prior to going to the roof."
"And over the course of the week?"
"Approximately one hour in total."
"Oh, that is not good." This information in combination with what he learned last night, explains why Bucky is either dozing or passed out at random times throughout the day: it is out of pure exhaustion.
Tony feels horrible; he should have known, should have looked for the signs, especially considering his own struggle with sleepless nights. He even shared a hospital room with Bucky, for fuck's sake. Then again, he never actually did see the other man sleep, aside from maybe two or three times where he passed out. The former soldier was always awake when Tony went to bed and awake when he woke back up. It didn't occur to Tony that Bucky may not have gone to sleep at all.
"Shall I recommend any medications to Master Barnes?"
"No, his serum is like Steve's and medication doesn't work. I was able to confirm that in the hospital, but we should scan his brainwaves again just to make sure everything is still working properly."
"Sir, in order for a more in depth analysis, we would need to bring him down to the lab."
"The last time I mentioned scanning him, he was suspicious. Since I know his past is bothering him, and while he was fine in the hospital, being hooked up to wires and machines in a laboratory could be a potential trigger that could cause a violent reaction. I don't want to put him through that."
"What do you suggest sir?"
"Prep the lab for now. I'm going to be heading down after breakfast."
"Very well, sir."
Tony throws the covers off his body, and climbs out of bed. He takes a quick shower, dresses, and leaves his room, heading for the elevator.
After he exits the elevator on the first floor, Tony spots Steve and Bucky sitting close together in the sitting room. The blond's back is to Tony so he can't see the man's expression, but he does see Bucky's, and it looks like they're having the conversation Tony advised him too.
When Bucky finishes speaking, he's immediately pulled into a hug, wrapping his arms tight around his friend's torso. Bucky looks up and meets Tony's eyes, mouthing the words "thank you."
Tony gives the man a tight smile and a nod before heading into the kitchen where he finds Natasha making breakfast. The genius raises an eyebrow. "You're making breakfast?"
"Only for Bucky; I'm assuming one of you told him about my world famous chocolate chip pancakes because he asked if I could make them," Natasha says with a small smile.
"Ooh," Clint teases from his perch on the counter next to the stove. "For Bucky."
Natasha responds by picking up her coffee and pouring it in Clint's lap. The archer screams and falls on the ground, writhing in pain.
Tony rolls his eyes and throws Clint a towel before making his own cup of coffee.
Bruce comes into the kitchen, running a hand through his wet hair and nodding to the others. He opens the fridge and pulls out the leftover Chinese from a few days ago, deciding to reheat the food in the oven.
Clint moans. "I am in so much pain."
"Aw, Clint, did you have an accident?" Bucky teases as he and Steve joins the others in the kitchen.
"Fuck off, Barnes."
"Hey, be nice to him," Steve scolds.
"Yeah, be nice to me, birdy," Bucky says before plopping down in a chair and kicking his feet onto the table.
Steve sighs before pushing his friend's feet onto the ground. "Dude we eat there," he says before sitting next to his friend.
"Are Rhodey and Thor going to be joining us?" Bruce asks.
"Yeah, they'll be down soon," Natasha answers, as she transfers the pancakes to a plate. "Bucky, I finished the pancakes. I hope you like them."
"They were made by you, so I'm sure they're delicious. Thank you," Bucky says as he accepts the plate from the assassin.
Natasha clears her throat. "You're welcome."
Bucky returns to his seat, and happily munches on his food, letting out satisfied moans.
The assassin smiles to herself before glaring at Tony, who's been standing next to her, challenging the man to say something.
Tony raises an eyebrow and sips his coffee, but doesn't say anything. Natasha is taking tips right out of the "Tony Stark: How to Woo a Man" Manual. The only difference is that when Tony tried making Steve breakfast, he nearly burned the Tower down, which is the reason why he is no longer on breakfast duty.
Rhodey and Thor come down just as the food is finished reheating in the oven. Bruce announces breakfast and everyone joins Bucky and Steve at the table, with Clint being the last one to be seated, seeing as his balls were still in pain. The archer still hasn't learned that one does not simply tease Natasha Romanov without some sort of repercussion.
After everyone is seated and the plates passed out, the team begins chowing down.
"You know, in all the time we've been together, we have never taken a team photo," Nat says suddenly at some point during the meal.
"Do you think we should take one?" Tony asks.
"I do," Natasha says with a small nod.
"My camera and tripod are in the living room," Steve says. "We can use that."
"Excellent, it's settled," Natasha says with a smile.
The Avengers finish their meal, and place their dishes in the sink to be washed later. Steve goes into the living room to get his camera equipment, while Natasha ushers the others into the entryway. The Captain returns a few moments later, passing his gear to the assassin, while he helps settle the Avengers.
"Why are we doing this?" Clint questions, while trying to open the box of chocolates he swiped from the kitchen counter.
"Because I want a team photo to hang in the living room," Natasha says. She finishes setting up the camera on its tripod and is now attempting to get everyone to stay still.
"Too bad Pepper couldn't be here," Tony says. "May she rest in peace."
Natasha frowns. "She's not dead."
"I know, but the poor thing hasn't slept in over forty hours . . . I'm a bad influence," Tony says with pride in his voice. Rhodey sighs.
"Thor, put down the pop tart."
"But they are the most delicious treats I have tasted in all the realms . . ."
"Clint, put your shirt back on!"
"If Thor can be half naked than so can I."
"At least Thor pulls it off well."
"What did you say to me, Barnes?"
"I'm setting the timer," she says with an eye roll before moving into frame. "The picture is going to be taken in three . . ."
Bucky sneezes.
"Dude, watch where you're aiming," Steve complains as he wipes off his arm.
"Not sorry."
"Two . . ."
"Clint, stop eating all the chocolate. I bought that for the entire team."
"One . . ."
"Rhodey, get back here! You can't escape the photo!"
"Watch me!"
"Cheese!"
The photo turns out horrible, but it doesn't stop Natasha from buying the largest version she possibly could and hanging it in the living room. Out of all the photos the Avengers have taken together in later months, this first one always remained their favorite.