Tales of the Judgment Gate, Stanislav Petrov
"I love my new keyboard," said Ullr. "It makes my life so much easier."
"Careful, I heard the last time that happened Anzusa made them go through the Judgment Gate," said Alsima.
Ullr laughed and said, "So you have been reading that newspaper?"
"The human's? Yeah," said Alsima. "It's the most novel thing to happen in Heaven for a millennium. This place does start to drag."
The two gods were at a joint terminal, with a third goddess overseeing them from behind.
"You two, keep at your jobs," said the overseeing goddess. "Those reports won't write themselves."
"Yes, Brunhilde," said both gods together.
She continued, "That human has a name. It is impolite to just call him a human because he is the only one in heaven."
The two gods glanced at each other then continued their work. This was a side of Brunhilde they had not seen before. She was usually taciturn at best, officious more often. Not unpleasant, just not pleasant either. "Yes, Brunhilde." Her hair was golden in two intricately braided buns. She was stately in her demeanor and always aloof.
"And he has been publishing that newspaper for over 20 years. It is neither new, nor novel."
"Yes, Brunhilde." This was more than either god had heard from her, maybe ever.
"Besides, I heard Loki use that very line no less than 2000 years ago."
The two men looked at each other but did not respond. Was that a joke?
The war monitors kept an eye on the cosmos for battles, wars, and other violence great enough to affect the plans of Heaven. It was a thankless job, but also not particularly difficult. The valkyries took turns on duty. Today, Brunhilde, the Many Winged, was supervising.
They sat in silence for minutes.
"Ma'am, we have reports of a hydrogen bomb explosion on Earth," said Ullr.
Brunhilde sniffed. "More bomb tests?" She thought about making a joke about how much the humans hated tropical islands, but they did not laugh at the Loki joke.
"Probably." Both gods began focusing on Earth. Ullr frowned. "No, ma'am. Not this time." He began speaking very rapidly, "Reports of multiple explosions over cities. New York, London, Tokyo, Los Angeles, Beijing. The New English Block is being targeted by the Russian Block."
Brunhilde turned pale. "Did you say Tokyo? Get me more information."
"At least 15 nuclear explosions have occurred in the Greater Tokyo area." Brunhilde's hand went to her mouth and she mouthed the word 'Rui'. Her angel appeared, beautiful with hair the color of warm blood and three banks of pure white wings. The angel separated itself from Brunhilde and flew off. A moment later, all emotion vanished from Brunhilde's face. Neither of the war monitor gods noted the angel or her expressions. "Ma'am, the New English Block has responded. We count at least 2,500 separate nuclear warheads inbound towards the Russian Block and increasing."
"Get the Goddess Relief Office and Earth Assistance Center on conference." Representatives of the two offices appears in holograms before Brunhilde. "What happened the automated defenses?"
Peorth spoke first. "Peorth, Goddess First,"
"Skip it, what happened, Peorth?" interrupted Brunhilde.
"Our relief valve wished for her husband to be safe," said Peorth.
"Wunjo?" said Brunhilde.
"Our relief valve wished for the safety of Prague," said Wunjo.
"So we'll have one city left utterly surrounded by radiation and suffering rapid starvation with a semi-immortal man running around somewhere else," said Brunhilde.
The two wish goddesses looked uncomfortable, finally Peorth said, "Yes."
The god Alisma spoke from the control panel. "Brunhilde, I have Hild calling on line one." The room went quiet.
A plastic red rotary telephone next to Brunhilde's chair began ringing. "Thank you, Wish Goddesses. That will be all." Brunhilde took a breath, then picked up the phone with the same determination as she might an activate hand-grenade.
"Hello, Hild." "It is nice to speak with you as well." "Yes, we have been monitoring the situation." "I am sorry, yes, that is true, our relief valves failed." "I see, our wish granters encountered same." "Yes, I expect we will need to review those plans." "The city of Prague is set to survive. We could intervene th…." "No, I agree, time manipulation together with dilation would be best."
Suddenly, Brunhilde had an idea, "Listen, there's a human in heaven." "Yes, I believe so. I take it you would be willing?" "Good. We will lower our defenses. Please gate to Central. We will ensure that the Almighty One location remains fixed." "Yes, we will need to get Urd involved." "Yes, your daughter will be there." "You too. Thank you." Brunhilde placed the telephone handset back on the receiver.
"Where is Anzusa? We need to remove the Judgment Gate effect between Urd and Clay."
Ullr punched in some keys and said, "She is at the human's pocket dimension."
Brunhilde said perfunctorily, "Perfect. I will be at the Clay Pocket Dimension. Please deploy elements of the Silver Wings, the Golden Harps, and Heaven's Lions at all known gates. Remind them of the Doublet Agreement. We should anticipate that Hild will use this opportunity to infiltrate demons into Heaven. Once the valkyries are deployed, please turn off the anti-demon defenses for Heaven until Hild arrives. Please arrange for someone to escort Hild to the Clay Pocket Dimension as well. Make it a Valkyrie, preferably Lind or maybe Dagan. If not Lind, someone used to dealing with humans and demons. Ullr, please send my compliments and inform the Almighty One of my decisions and request approval. After approval, please request the Norn Urd to stand by."
"Yes, Brunhilde. Deploy Silver Wings and others to known gates and remind them of the Double Pact. Anti-demon defenses disabled, escort for Hild to Clay Pocket Dimension. Compliments and request approval from the Almighty One. After approval, request Norn Urd to stand by."
Brunhilde stood up, adjusted her clothing, and walked to the gate. At the gate, she was met by her angel. The angel smiled at Brunhilde and rejoined the powerful goddess. "Thank you, Heart's Constancy," she whispered.
Brunhilde stepped through the gate. She arrived outside of William Clay's little house, or at the least the exterior representation of it. The inside had very little to do with the outside appearance, though the small representation of a house was not ostentatious. Without knocking, she stepped into the tiny pocket dimension that was Clay's apartment
"Mr. Clay, I am sorry for barging in like this. This is an emergency."
On the bed, William Clay and Anzusa looked up. Clay looked shocked. Anzusa said, "Hello Brunhilde. How pleasant to see you."
Brunhilde's eyes widened briefly before her face turned expressionless, "Mr. Clay. There has been a nuclear exchange on Earth."
"Like with Cuba? What about the relief valves?" asked William.
"All relief valves, both heavenly and demonic, failed," said Brunhilde. "We are going to need to send you back in time, evacuate your wish, then grant you a second wish. Although according terms of the agreement betw…"
"Screw the agreement," said a voice from the doorway. Hild's face exploded into a magnificent catlike grin. "Although speaking of screwing… Hello Anzusa. I would ask how you do, but it seems that it's humans."
"Hello Hild. Hild, this is Mr. Henry Clay. Mr. Clay, this is Hild, Daimakaicho of Nelfheim," said Anzusa gracefully.
"How do, Hello Ms. Hild? Would you be so good as to give me a few moments to collect myself?" William Clay was blushing furiously under his beard. Anzusa looked as collected as she might have been were she found cutting flowers in her garden. But under the covers, she gave his hand a comforting squeeze.
"I'm sorry Mr. Clay, but I cannot," replied Hild gravely. "We have dilated time in your dimension. I cannot leave without significantly increasing the difficulty of the necessary equation." Her eyes danced in delight.
"Honestly. It has been at least 20 years since you were in Kansas." said Anzusa with annoyance finally making its way through. She muttered a spell, and Henry Clay found himself dressed the tweed suit he preferred. Anzusa was wearing her normal dress. She sat on the edge of the bed, then stood up. "So you want me to remove the prohibition between Urd and William Clay?"
"Yes," said Brunhilde. "By now, the Earth has been essentially rendered uninhabitable for intelligent life. It is necessary to reverse time. We will move this pocket dimension backward along the time axis and have Clay make a wish."
Anzusa looked at Hild. "And you agreed with this?"
"I will need to help and to agree by the terms of the Doublet Agreement." said Hild. "But mostly, I thought it would be interesting," she said with a leer. "And was I right."
William sat down at his Yggdrasil terminal, ignoring much of the conversation. He began drawing up an equation for a wish.
"The longer this goes on," said Brunhilde, "the more difficult it will be for Hild and Urd to perform the magic necessary to move this pocket dimension's location on the time axis."
Anzusa, a little stubbornly, said, "I have not agreed to anything. The effects of the Judgment Gate cannot be overturned."
Without looking up, William Clay said, "Urd and I were only subjected to the Gate's effect. We were never required to pass through it. As an Interspecies Inquisition Officer, you have the permissions necessary to undue the program." While still at the terminal, he said equally loudly, "My feelings towards you Anzusa will remain unchanged by the presence of anyone."
Maybe a little too loudly, Anzusa said, "William, I have told you many times I do not love you."
"So that's how you…" said Brunhilde before catching herself. Anzusa and Urd both noted it and said nothing. William was focused on creating his wish formula.
"Whatever. My wish is ready," said William in response to Anzusa, ignoring Brunhilde. "Hild, will you be granting the wish itself? That will remove some significant complications from the equation you and Urd must perform."
Hild smiled. "Demons only trade for wishes. What do you have to offered, William Clay?"
Clay laughed ironically, "I'll let you read the wish first. I think you'll find it amusing."
"Are you toying with me?" asked Hild dangerously.
"Yes. You have as much to lose as anyone else," William said mildly but firmly. "That's why Hell maintains its own relief valves and why you came here so quickly. It is in Nilfheim's interest as well as Heaven's"
"Hrmph. I can see why she chose you. You are amusing," the Daimakaciho said in a deadpan, unamused voice. Hild leaned in close to William to read what was on the terminal her warm skin coming in contact with him. "Ohh. That would work." She chuckled, stood up straight, then laughed. "Did you know I subscribe to your newspaper?" she asked.
"I'm honored," said William.
"How!?" asked Brunhilde. "The Almighty One forbade that from leaving Heaven."
Hild winked. "I'll. Never. Tell."
A staff appeared in Anzusa's hand. She sang a few verses. "That's it," she said.
Immediately upon the completion of Anzusa's song, Urd entered the room. While steadfastly refusing to look at William Clay, Urd said, "I understand that acting in my capacity as a Norn, I need to move this pocket dimension in conjunction with Hild to a point in time before the nuclear attacks began on Earth?"
Anzusa spoke, "That is correct."
"Urd," said Hild, displaying something like emotion for the first time since arriving.
"I am only here as a goddess and a Norn," said Urd while facing Anzusa. "Are you ready to begin?"
William scowled, but no one noticed. That was an unpleasant way to treat your mother. He found he did not miss Urd.
The song began. It carried on and on, a weird melody set to a weird rhythm. William found it unpleasant and then disturbing and grating. The human found he was on edge the edge of his chair and he wanted to yell at someone. He repeatedly clenched and unclenched his hand.
Anzusa looked at him and stood still. This was something he had to do on his own. Humans operated in three dimensions and perceived a fourth. This was outside his experience or as far as she knew any other human's. Nothing she could do or say would help. He simply had to endure. But even she found it unpleasant.
It did not end soon. William began to rub the back of his head vigorously, realized he was doing it, then pulled on a flat cap sitting on top of his terminal. He shoved his hands into his pockets and kept them there. He dug his fingernails into his palms. He mashing his teeth together without realizing he was doing it. William stood up then, sat down, then stood up again. He looked over at Anzusa to grab her hand, but realized Urd was in the room. Then he realized in a few minutes it wouldn't matter. Then he realized if he disturbed Urd's concentration, the goddesses in the room could simply materialize elsewhere. He, on the other hand, did not handle dimensional disruptions quite so well. He stomped over to the corner of a room, outside of the view of Urd and Hild. He had just enough presence of mind left to realize that interrupting them might be disastrous.
William could not say how long this went on. His Elgin wristwatch ceased working and was never the same again. But eventually, the song finally came to an end.
Hild strode over to him and faced him directly. "We do not have much time," said Hild. "Please make your wish."
William took a deep breath. "I wish there will be no nuclear weapon exchange on Earth over the next week so that no one in this pocket dimension will have had the opportunity to learn Anzusa and I are having an affair except for goddesses in this room that are currently having affairs with humans and humans in this room that are currently having affairs with goddesses," William said. Hild's grin was so large, William thought he might get eaten.
"What the fu…" said a shocked Urd immediately before her face went blank. Urd and Brunhilde disappeared. Hild winked at William, the her own face went back and she disappeared herself.
Anzusa looked at William and said, "That was close. Will you please install a lock on that door?"
"Ok. Yeah," he said.
"And he has been publishing that newspaper for over 20 years. It is neither new, nor novel."
"Yes, Brunhilde." This was more than either god had heard from her, maybe ever.
"Besides, I heard Loki use that very line no less than 2000 years ago."
The two gods looked at each other but did not respond. Was that a joke?
"That is a joke," said Brunhilde.
"That's funny," said Ullr in surprised amusement.
"Thank you," said Brunhilde. She was feeling very pleased about things.