Chapter Nine
Piper stayed up in the loft the rest of the day. She felt bad about not helping but didn't trust herself around Becca. She was happy to pretend she didn't exist and she hadn't just tried to punch her in the face. It played back to the years she spent fighting to keep drug mule after drug mule off of her woman.
Alex is hot. She is a walking sex bomb with a deep voice. She walks by and lesbians are like "Hello Catnip" no matter where she goes. It is a huge thrill when she looks at you and no one else in the room. It is a high...a different kind of high that she loved at one time. She hated her current emotional state has made slip back to old habits. Yet the violence was scaring her to her core...it was like she was still in prison.
Maybe she never really left. Not a day has gone by she doesn't think of it. Prison, recalling it...discussing it...studying aspects..it was her life. She could see now that going back there was a big fucking mistake. Dr. Speer checked her messages and called Piper. She told her about what she did and how she was feeling. The doctor listened and pointedly told Piper to avoid confrontation. She also urged her to come in to the office the next day, if the next wave of snow wasn't as bad as they had predicted.
"I..yes...I..was wondering if you could call in a prescription for the sleeping pills you gave me when I..." Piper stopped. She hated asking. She hated going backwards.
"Piper are you having dreams?" she asked quietly. Piper told her about her nightmare and her fear of having another one.
"I am regretting my visit back," she admitted.
"I am worried about your anger Piper. I think you know it's root is what happened to Alex. I wish I could say you both could magically be healed of all this trauma...but that isn't the case Piper. You did get much better but other things have happened. Is it just this one dream?" she asked her. Piper told her she has been waking up to check on Alex in the night but she falls back to sleep.
"Let me see you first and try to just sleep tonight..um are you speaking to Alex?" the doctor asked tactfully.
"Yes...we actually made love today...best I've felt all day. We called it "Time Out" essentially a pause in our fight. I know most of it is me and I hate hurting her," Piper told her.
Dr. Speer asked where Alex was and Piper explained, "It's been a busy day and little help, I feel like an ass not helping. I did get some much needed work done. I trust you about the pills. I'd rather not take them, I just have to be in DC in a few weeks and I want to look rested and healthy."
"I would suggest you talk it out with your wife and Piper work out. I know you can't run but you've been working a lot and cooped up. Put that gym to use and work out. The endorphins will help and I think when we meet again, we need a plan about anger management," Dr. Speer gently stated.
"Yeah, I'm scaring myself with this anger. We've been working out at our classes so much I haven't hit the gym lately. I'll do that," Piper replied. Dr. Speer also suggested she consider a dream journal for eyes only. She had done that once before and it made Piper feel like she had fucked up again.
"Listen, Piper, strategies are learned so they can help us through out life. It helped you to write about your dreams before. They will occur again when you're stressed or even when you're happy because you have a fear nagging at you," Dr. Speer continued.
"I had the most amazing night...we made love all day...it was Valentine's night. Why then? Why did I suddenly dream of Hinton's hands on my body. It was just like I was there again. I had straddled her and really been open, free..for the first time since I learned about her rape and the..." Piper stumbled.
"Stress could have caused it...it could be an isolated thing but you're giving it too much power to blame it solely for your actions with Alex's Ex" she continued.
"No, I give her a good portion of that blame. She didn't make it easy and well Doc, sometimes you have to stand up or get knocked down. She was in my home and shouldn't have said what she did-" Piper said and she felt her teeth clench. "I just wish Taystee had been there, her ass woulda been in a snow bank." She had zero doubt her girl would have had her back.
"Had Taystee been there, she wouldn't have needed to work and there would have been no exchange. Things are going to happen Piper, you can handle yourself verbally just fine. You told me yourself that you were the one that wanted to make it violent. Did you think it would have made you feel better?"She probed.
Piper was quiet for a long while. "Yeah. I think it would have. I felt this lost once and well...I did something terrible and then I felt better. Free. I accepted I was the kind of person that would beat someone to death that tried to kill me. I don't want to accept I"m the kind of person that would try to beat someone to death that covets my wife. So that scares me that I can't tell. I feel like I'm still in there."
"Then you are. But you can walk out of there for good. It is in your own mind, in your own fear and guilt. You can get out-you just got to keep at it Piper. Call the line if you need me. I'll see you Monday," Dr. Speer said and then they hung up. Piper wasn't sure she wanted to talk Monday...it was exhausting and she felt like crap after therapy. But, she was right though...the violence was something she had to control or it would control her. Piper felt she had always known that but Prison had forced her to let it go.
It left her open to a whole new world of bad choices. Piper changed into a workout outfit and wrapped her hand to box. She worked her feet and jabbed at the bag like Alex and their defense coach had taught her. It was good to punch something...like Nicky's flour bags.
She put in some earbuds and worked out for a good hour. She was startled to turn and see Alex standing there, leaning against the door frame of the gym area.
She took out her buds, "Sorry I didn't see or hear you," Piper explained.
"Yes I heard you punching when I came in...I wanted to let you know that we are closed. It is getting colder out and I wanted to get everyone home safe. Jim, Craig and Raven will have our store tomorrow. Nicky and Lorna have Brooklyn with Dave and Stefanie helping. I don't know either of them but apparently it is a really big thing that Raven was able to get Stefanie..because well she was supposed to be going on some study abroad thing. Apparently her flight was canceled so she is coming in to work. We need to give Raven a raise," Alex said as she walked a bottle of water over to Piper. The schedule and names was Greek to Piper. She took the water and drank down most of it. She was parched and possibly a little dehydrated.
"Thanks. I'll cook her dinner and we'll kick around a bonus. Remember, we're losing money right now so might not be a good time for a raise," Piper darted around Alex to get a towel. She wiped her face and moved out into the foyer.
Without turning around, Piper said, "Thanks for letting me know she is gone. I spoke to Dr. Speer...she suggested I avoid her. Smart woman, can't believe how much we pay her for stating the obvious. But she did point out some other good things.
"Not sure she feels like eating with us. You scared her a little...and I don't want her to feel any tension between us," Alex said softly.
Piper gathered up her laptop and phone. She turned to her, " I thought we fucked out our tension earlier. All that is left is for me to forgive you for not telling me about that designer girl being her kid. I do. I was over reacting because of well...lots of reasons. I'll smooth it over with Raven.
"That isn't all that is left. I have to forgive you for nearly knocking out my employee and getting pissed at me for keeping information I heard in NA secret. Truly, she always called her kid Alice. It wasn't until the last NA meeting I attended that she told us her daughter was an up and coming designer. I put it together but, still...it wasn't my place to say. You should have respected that," Alex said to Piper with her arms crossed over her chest. She shot up her eyebrow at her and Piper frowned.
"I already apologized...so am I forgiven?" Piper asked her. She didn't forgive Becca for her smart ass mouth. She did acknowledge she handled her wrong...but there you have it.
"Yes, I forgive you because I know you're doing what you can to learn how to handle your anger. I get pissed too Piper. I build things with my hands so I don't try to strangle every domineering or disgusting man I come in contact with...yet I tried to choke Larry. I lost it too...I fought those guards. Piper, we have to be careful. All of use have to be careful, Pipes. If she gets into fights at work, she will be removed from the program. We could lose the program here at our stores and that would be a shame. We've already helped three women get a start. Taystee is one of them, but Luanne is doing great as well. She is back near Dunkirk with a job. Piper we can't risk what we're trying to do here with your anger. " Alex lectured. Piper could tell she was really angry and she felt miserable.
"I know! I know...I wasn't in control of myself. You know how I get about you," Piper retorted but she felt like she had totally disappointed her partner. She pulled on Alex's old sweatshirt in preparing to head down the steps in the snow. She took a huge scoop of de-icer pellets in her free hand and stood by the door. Alex walked over and took the scoop.
"Yes I know. Lecture over. I love you and want to read that draft when we get downstairs. Raven was petting Chaucer on the sofa when I came up to see why you weren't picking up," Alex spoke as she pulled up Piper's hood and opened the door. She went down first and spread the pellets. The steps were covered in snow and there was traction. However, the temperature was dropping and soon ice would form. Alex came in but went right back out with a shovel. She spent a good half hour out knocking snow off the middle and adding more pellets. She had thought Alex paranoid when she saw all the icer stuff in the storage room upstairs. Now, she was grateful. She'd seen stories on the news about shortages at all the hardware stores in the City.
She found Raven asleep on the couch with Chaucer purring by her chest. She let her sleep and made an Asian tuna salad to go with the Thai soup that was left. Alex came in and saw them sleeping. She smiled over to Piper and then went to wash up. Piper set the bar as the table and went to wake her up. Raven sat up and rubbed her eyes. Piper sat on the table and picked up Chaucer so she could sit up all the way.
"Oh, something smells good," Raven said as she looked over at the kitchen. Piper apologized to her for being so angry that morning. She then told her she made her favorite seared tuna Asian salad.
"I'm sorry I brought her there. I should have closed this one and sent her to-" Raven started to explain but Piper just gently touched her shoulder.
"No my friend, you did what was best for the business. It was what we pay you for and you do a great job. It's over now. I'd like it if she is needed here again, I have a heads up. I'll make myself scarce. Her program is only for four months. We're over a month in to it and I've only seen her twice. I think you all are doing great. I should handle it better," Piper said and her voice falter some. "I'm working on things...Alex and I both are...it won't happen again."
"She was being a first class bitch Piper. Don't worry about it. May I wash up?" she asked as she saw Alex coming out of their bedroom with wet hair. She was wearing a long flowing white shirt that sometimes she wore to bed. She had on a pair of comfortable workout pants underneath. She liked the slouchy at home Alex. They never got to see this side of each other that much. Alex would work out of hotel rooms and always was dressed to go out and party. This Alex, was bare and true. Piper leaned over and kissed her on the lips as she sat at the bar.
"Um sure, you know the way. I made the Tuna we got yesterday. I thought this way instead of sushi...saved me having to cook the rice and dice the other ingredients. Here, try this dressing," Piper suggestively offered a red pepper from her salad, dipped in the soy ginger dressing.
"Mmmm delicious...Remember how Nicky got that ground ginger from the kitchen and you saved soy sauce packets from those oodles and noddles..and you made this kind of dressing? You had just enough for three salads," Alex recalled.
"Best damn salad I ever ate in prison...we even had some decent lettuce and carrots on it," Piper said in a voice a bit dreamy. She laughed when she thought of prison cooking. Once on a call in show, she'd been asked to identify prison cooking recipes. She had gotten every single one. Larry had posted some of her recipes on her website when she was in prison.
It touched her that Alex could remember prison and smile. She reached out and pressed her palm to her cheek. "Only good thing I got in that place was my friends and you." Piper kissed her softly.
Alex pulled back and said, " I think you cook better. You took some classes didn't you?" She teased Piper and a playful slap for her troubles. Raven joked they had better not start a slap fight. Piper laughed with a good heart and enjoyed dinner with a friend.
The snow finally passed and Alex finally answered that she'd be happy to go to DC with Piper. She hadn't actually looked at the latte that day so Piper had to ask her again later. It was a week away and she had a few speaking engagements prior. Piper had opted not to take any medication to assist her with her emotions. In their couples therapy she told Alex that she has terrible guilt that she let her down. She told her about how the fear she couldn't protect her in that laundry bin and how it came true.
It was a long session and they held each other all night. They hadn't made love in a few days. It was hard sometimes when they talked about intimate details of painful memories. She had a few of the nights of dreams. Alex did as well. They would nap the next day or go to bed early. It was work but she felt so much better sharing it with Alex.
Polly and Pete came over for dinner with Finn. They were terribly busy so they got take out. After the dinner, Finn played with Alex and Chaucer. Pete and Polly helped Piper clean up.
"I'm glad you are spending time with someone else. It is like you got sucked in to the newlywed void and I never see you," Polly said as she dried a glass.
"I'm sorry. We went to Litchfield and sorta shot ourselves in our collective foot. Couple that with a bit of snowed in cabin fever and I've had a hard time," Piper admitted.
"What can we do to help?" Pete asked her. He took up the trash and tied it as he spoke.
"You're doing it. I know you're there if I need you," Piper said softly.
"How is Alex?" Polly asked her. Piper looked over to her as she sat holding Chaucer so Finn could pet him.
"She is strong...she is my rock. Alex is working hard in therapy like me but it is a process. Getting a good night's sleep is precious to both of us right now. We're going to DC next week and I look forward to a couple of nights in a hotel," Piper admitted.
"Does the trash go out by the back?" Pete asked. Piper pointed him in the direction of the mudroom where the bigger can was kept.
"You two spent years living abroad...it turned you in to the biggest hotel snob I've ever met. I take it you are spending a big bit of money on this trip to extend your honeymoon," Polly asked as Piper poured them more wine.
"Yes, I think we should never take a full true honeymoon and just keep taking off whenever we can on our honeymoon. I figured we could stretch it at least ten years," Piper said with a smirk.
"Ugh...young love..remember when I was about to marry Pete...you were all " how do you know he is the one"...remember that? You said you were shallow and liked hot boys and girls. Now you are dripping sappy love stuff," Polly teased.
"Young eh? Yes, I do remember that. I was comparing them all to Alex and finding them lacking for anything but sex. I totally accept we are mushy right now...don't give me a hard time about it. We've been through hell so we deserve some sweetness. Don't fret though, we can't stay mushy forever. I mean have you met us?" Piper asked.
"Yes, you may attack Becca again and then you'd be in trouble again..that will kill the mush," Polly asked. Pete was approaching and heard that comment. He turned rather abruptly and made a beeline to his son.
"I see Alex told you. Yeah, she pissed me off and a bad day. I'm working on it," Piper said.
Polly sipped her wine and moved closer to Piper. "Hey, I got your back but you can't go around beating employees up for being a bitch...or getting your ass stomped by one. She did hard time Piper for something drug related," Polly said in a hushed tone. Piper blinked and then laughed.
"So did I. I can handle myself. Well, I did time. Yes, she did more and I'm sure it would have been a good fight. Look I don't want to get in to it...I didn't fight. Polly, my temper is vicious if I am not in control. It was way off that morning and I don't want to talk about it. Okay?" Piper finished a bit frustrated. She didn't like Alex tell Polly everything. She liked how close they were but Polly just didn't get her temper. The Piper she knows isn't violent. That part of herself..that part she kept well hidden most times.
"Well, I know you're talking about it with someone. I just wish I was a person you felt you could talk to..." Polly said and then she walked away. They left shortly afterwards and Piper went to run a bath as Alex locked up. She came in to the bathroom afterwards and looked at Piper as she slipped into the tub.
"You're pissed I told her," Alex said flatly.
"Yep," Piper said.
"Sometimes I need her help to figure out to say...she suggested the soup and to tell you directly why Becca was there with as much detail as I could. She told me you were probably lost in work and when you finished you'd be feeling bad. I followed her lead and we made love. She's my friend too and I don't get why you keep things from her like you do," Alex explained.
"She doesn't see all of me like you do," Piper looked over to her. Piper just looked at her, her eyes up and down Alex slowly as she thought about all that she had done to that body...all she wanted to do.
"She doesn't know what all I am capable of and I'd rather she not see it. You do. You always have seen it...you helped me develop my survival skills. I told you...it was our life not some story and a fucking yuppy party," Piper answered her in a cool tone.
"You don't give her enough credit Piper. You need to have someone besides me that sees the real you. We both do. I'm going to go read...find me if you want when you're finished or I'll meet you in bed later," Alex said. She moved in to the bathroom, bent and kissed Piper on the head, then she walked out. Piper sat for a long time in the water thinking about what her love had said.
***okay so now I'm just spoiling you...please review, Fae!***