((Previously in Chapter 15)
"What do you believe?" She mocked before sighing, "I will go with them, only to see Bilbo stay safe and that stubborn dwarf does not hurt him if he falls to the gold sickness."
"And what I am to do to convince you that you should stay here?"
"Nothing, because I have made up my mind." She said.)
Thorin never knew what Mahâl had planned for him in this life, he always thought he'd stay in Erebor, leading wars every so often and ruling over his people. He thought he'd find a dwarrow-dam and make her his queen, he thought he'd have his brother and sister as his advisors, by his side when he needed them. He always imagined the perfect life. Mahâl save him, this was not what he prepared for, at all.
He had learnt when he was younger, a king reserved his love for his people, as he could never share his own fully with another, but yet he thought he knew love, he thought he knew grief.
He thought he knew love when he was in Erebor, with his father, a wise king, his mother, the princess consort, with her wise words and calming expression, her caring nature and how she was fiercely loyal. His brother, who was the shining sun in his life, inheriting his mother's golden hair and her jaw and nose, who's laugh was deep and raspy, yet when he drank too much ale, grew loud and booming. like a rumble of thunder before a storm, his smile was one only reserved for family, that stupid smile he had on his face, even at the doors off death. His sister by his side, calm and cool like the earth, she was always the smart one, quick to judge yet quick to accept, it sounded all quite contradictory, but that was Dis, like from the rock she was carved from, she was head strong, could handle her own in any fight, could stand up for those and others. Stubborn as an ox, but as wise as an owl. She was the stone and the earth, holding him up when he felt like he was falling.
If Frerin was the sun, and Dis the earth, Thorin was the moon. Cold and distant, but always there if you just looked. He was either out fighting or inside writing, never one for parties and celebrations, he supposed, that's what made the three, who they were, it made them the three heirs of Durin, the two princes and the princess.
Thorin thought he knew grief when Erebor fell, losing your home was never an easy thing, but to lose it so easily. He thought he knew grief when his mother died. He thought he knew it when he watched his grandfather fall to Azog the Defiler. He thought he knew grief when he held his baby brother in his arms, blood dribbling down Frerin's chin as he coughed up blood, giving Thorin that perfect smile of his, saying he would see him in the afterlife. He thought he knew, when his father left on this very same quest and was found tortured, halfway into madness.
He thought he couldn't love again until he found out that his sister was pregnant with child. He was happy for his sister, her and Vílli, that idiotic dwarf who he'd grown to love as a brother, with his blonde hair and azure eyes that matched Frerin's, were overjoyed, what surprised Thorin, was what he felt when Dis let him carry Fili in his arms. The overwhelming desire to protect baby Fili shocked him, he didn't want to let him go, wanted to keep him curled up in his chest, train him with the sword and axe, help him learn to ride a pony and look after him like the uncle he deserves and the uncle he'll never meet. Five years later he feels exactly the same, Kili comes along and it's the same thing with both him and Fili, since he was born, Fili could never be separated from Kili, he was the first to hold him, first to make Kili smile, to draw a garbled giggle from Kili with cooed promises to keep him safe and look after him.
He feels grief again, and this time, so does Dis and Fili, Kili too young to understand that, his adad isn't coming home to him anymore, he's only three, and Fili eight, too young to be exposed to so much pain. Vílli takes an axe to the neck, meant for him, so that Erid Luin could have a king. Then he's holding Vílli in his arms and it feels like the Battle of Azanulbizar, and he's holding Frerin in his arms smiling even in death all over again, but the words are different, they're making him promise to be the father Kili will never have, the father Fili will need when he gets back to Dis and the boys, that he'll look after them. He's pleading with him to keep his eyes focused and to look at him, that'll he'll make it home to the boys and be the father Thorin could never be, but by the end off it, there's tears running down Vílli's face, and Thorin's too. He gives Vílli a proper burial, closes his eyes, then returns with the rest off their party to break the bad news to Dis. Kili was crying, curled up in Thorin's and clutching his hair tightly, Fili stands there, frozen, his azure eyes glossed over, staring into empty space, he stays like that for what feels like hours, then he lets out a screech, that's crossed with a sob, it snaps Kili out of his crying and he stares at his brother in complete confusion. Thorin doesn't know what to do, he just holds them, and he knows in his heart he'll do anything to protect his nephews.
He was never good with many outside his own race, let alone elves, or anything with elven blood in him. He never forgave Thranduil for turning his back on Erebor or helping them reclaim the Mines of Moria, he blamed them to be the reason that so many died that day, including his little brother Frerin. He never forgave Thranduil for leaving them to wander the wilderness after Erebor was claimed by Smaug. Where he led his people, the sense of death followed behind, they lost anyone who was too injured or too sick to follow.
He never forgave the taunts off men as he worked as a blacksmith, earning what ever he could for his people.
He never forgot.
Thorin never thinks he'll fall in love, let alone with someone from outside his race. He doesn't expect to fall in love for the rest of his life, he thinks love is only a seed for grief to grow and he avoids it. He doesn't want to. So when he firsts meets Tharwen, as she came crashing through the undergrowth on a horse, glaring straight at the wizard - with that glare that rivaled his on a bad day-he just felt something inside him snap.
He was intrigued, not at first, he was wary, she was secretive, took to the Halfling, Nori and Bofur, his nephews, other than that keeping to herself, muttering and mumbling under her breath, making calculations out loud when she thought no one was listening.
Her right hand adorned with rings, studded with gems, whilst a simple plain silver ring lay on her middle finger.
'Till death do us part.' He heard her say one night.
He saw grief in her eyes, and he could recognize pain in her eyes. Through the smiles she sent everyones way and the laughs that were smooth and calming, he saw her hide her pain.
He wanted to hold her like Vílli held Dis when they heard the news about their father, comforting her and making her feel happy again.
He pinpoints the moment where he actually falls in love with her; when he sees her with the Elves at Rivendell, he knows he wants to be the reason for her smiles, and her laughter. He wants to chase the darkness away and hold her heart in his hands, or lock it in a chest and throw away the key so he won't break it.
But he doesn't want to break his own.
They were guided out off the forest by a trio of silent elves that Tharwen didn't recognize.
"Is everyone okay? No one got hurt?" Tharwen asked, glancing up and noticing the leaves falling, in vibrant shades of red, orange and brown.
A chorus of no's was thrown back and she nodded. "Autumn..." She muttered, eyes glancing at Thorin fleetingly.
"We don't have that much time." Balin said knowingly.
"We need to get to Esgaroth. Quickly."
"There's still a journey off a day or two." Thorin said consulting his map, and Tharwen can find it in herself to give them a small, gentle smile, until she remembers what's lying under all the gold in that Mahal forsaken mountain.
'Two days until we face Smaug.' She thought, smile dropping into a frown.
"You look deep in thought. Anything we should be concerned about?" Balin asked her.
"No, just... wondering whether the past effects the future." She replied.
"If you're worried about the orcs, I doubt they could make it through that forest." Nori added.
"Even if they went into that forest, Thranduil won't let 'em get out, he owes me that much."
"What would Thranduil, do to help with this quest?" Thorin asked.
"Who do you think bargained with him to let you go?"
"You didn't? What did you do?" He half-growled.
-"We had a deal!" She remember Dharwen screaming at the gruesome creature kneeling over him, pinning him to the floor, knife in his side. He coughs out blood and she can feel the life draining out on him-
-Tharwen can see the fire in his eyes when he gets up, pushes himself off the wall and he grins, grins so widely, showing his full canines and his grin then twists into a sadistic smile, Dharwen's laying on his back, coughing up blood, choking out profanities-
-She hold his head in her lap and half her heart dies with him, it doesn't hurt as much as she thought it would, and she relives that nightmare every night for the next few months. Remembering how pathetic and weak she felt as he died-
-There's a commotion in the courtyard, and she runs out onto the balcony, her baby brother is in a stretcher, there's a sword in his chest and slashes running up and across his abdomen. A healer's trying to staunch the bleeding, pressing down hard but by the waxy undertone of his skin, turned a sickly yellow and the gushing blood slowing down, there's blood dribbling down his chin, a cut above his left eyebrow, and his arm can't move, his wrist mangled and twisted out of shape-
-Another healer puts a salve on Fharwen's eyes and a week later when he opens them, they're pure white and she knows he'll never see again, always to be considered vulnerable-
-The thing, it would always be a thing with it's dark eyes and marred face, laughs, and laughs and laughs, and taunts her until she shifts, and she unleashes her magic-
"What did you do?"
"We made a deal, after a while, we argued for a bit, then fought, a lot of yelling was involved." She said bluntly.
"What would he want from you?"
"Something I promised him when we were children."
"What?" Thorin narrowed his eyes.
"My soul, for your freedom." She muttered, shrugging nonchalantly.
"Your soul- What do you mean?"
"It's something I think you don't need to know." She said.
"But."
"Just drop it."
"I think that we should discuss this." Bilbo said softly. "Tharwen you know the consequences of what you've done?'
"And I really don't think this is an appropriate place to do this." She retorted, "Shall we get moving?" She asked Thorin.
He looked uncertainly at her, then at the amber leaves falling onto the ground, and he nods. "We move out and rest at sundown." He ordered and the company gathered what remained of their packs that the elves had given them, and set off. Tharwen's mind wandering back to Thranduil and Mirkwood, although it would always be the Greenwood to her. Always.
I really didn't want to make you all wait for this, but from now onwards, since I made an updating schedule that I'll try to follow, I'll try updating every Saturday, next update will be on the 15/3 and it will continue from then.
Hope you enjoyed this, I hope it wasn't angsty.
2,242 words; I'm surprised I managed that, since I'm currently studying for a few exams and assessments that are all on the same week, next week actually, so I won't update this Saturday but the next, and so on.