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Sorry it's been so long between posts. It's been a crazy summer and I just haven't had any time. :(

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Chapter 20 - Daryl

My knuckles connected yet again with Randal's face and he hit the ground hard. He was just a kid, couldn't'a been much older than Carol. I flinched just thinking about her and clenched down so hard I thought my teeth would shatter.

I reached down gabbing his collar to pull him up just to punch him back down. The nauseating sound of flesh tearing was surprisingly loud in the empty shed. I couldn't tell if it was my fist or his face this time, they were both covered in so much blood, his, mine didn't matter. I welcomed the pain. It had been a long week and I needed to hurt something as much as Rick needed answers.

Randal was still sprawled on the ground when my fist came down on him again.

He panted in pain and fear. Spitting out blood to clear his mouth he begged for it to stop. "I told you-"

"You ain't told me shit!" I barked back pulling him up from the ground and slamming him against the wall. I wasn't sure who I was saying that to, the kid I was torturing or the girl who was torturing me. It had been a whole week and Carol still hadn't said a word, she just stared at the wall like a fucking geek.

"I barely knew those guys, I met them on the road."

"How many in your group?" I asked pacing the small space.

No answer. I was getting real tired of this shit.

I pulled out my ka-bar.

"No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! Come on man!" He begged but he didn't answer.

I brought down the knife like an attack and slammed it hard, burying the tip into the wood between his legs. He didn't start answering my questions his pecker would be next.

"30. 30. 30 guys," he practically screamed.

God this guy was so pathetic, broke so easily with just a little scare tactics and a few bruises. Carol was so much stronger than this little whelp. She'd endured so much for so long and never broke - so why now? Why when she was finally free?

"Where?" Where did you go? What dark corner of your mind are you hiding in? Why did you leave me alone? ... I miss you...

Randal didn't answer my question.

I ripped the tape off his bandage and he screamed. I dug my ka-bar into the wound on his thigh and started dragging it across his leg.

"I don't know, I swear," he growled through gritted teeth, manic anger in his eyes. "We were never any place more than a night."

Convenient.

"Scouting? Planing on staying local?"

"I - I dont know. They left me behind." He sounded like a child. Sophie was only a child, didn't stop Ed from hurting her, wouldn't stop others neither. Others, like Randal's 30 men.

"You ever pick a scab?" I asked.

"Come on man! I'm trying to cooperate," he begged in a panic.

"Start real slow at first," I threatened, "sooner or later you just gotta rip it off."

"Okay, okay," he broke. "They have weapons, heavy stuff, automatics."

I kept digging my knife in his wound.

"But I didn't do anything!" he squealed.

"Your boys shot at my boys, tried to take this farm," I growled. "You just went along for the ride? You're trying to tell me you're innocent.

"Yes!" He yelled into my face between pants.

"These - these people took me in. Not just guys, a whole group of 'em. Men and women, kids too, just like you people. Thought I'd have a better chance with them, you know? But, we go out, scavenge - just the men. One night we - we found this little camp site, a man and his two daughters, teenagers, you know? Real young. Real cute."

I turned around from where I had been pacing to see the eyes of an animal staring up at me. He was no kid. He looked away in shame, too little to late.

"Daddy had to watch while these guys they - And they didn't even kill him afterwards. They just - they just made him watch as his daughters. They just - just - just left him there."

All I could think of was Ed, how I had failed those girls. Suddenly he was there before me, Ed. All my hate for that monster, all my hate for myself flooded through my system like adrenaline.

"No but - but - but - I didn't touch those girls. No. I swear I didn't tou-"

Something inside me snapped and I kicked him hard in the stomach. He crumbled hard to the ground.

"Please! You gotta believe me! I'm not like that! I ain't like that!"

Bullshit.

I kicked again, hard.

He screamed and I dove in, slamming my fist into his face over and over again. I felt my sanity slip away, carried away by my rage. l wasn't sure who I was beating. His face kept changing.

Randal.

Ed.

Myself.

Shane.

Rick.

Me.

Merle.

Me again.

Carol - No!

My fist froze in the air and I bit back a sob, I couldn't ever hurt her. No matter what. No matter what happened.

I blinked back tears and it was Randal again, unconscious and bloody, hanging limply from where I held his collar. I dropped him and his body hit the ground with a thud. I scrambled back and buried my face in my hands trying to contain my guilt and my horror, stuff it all back in deep down from where it had spilled out, laying everything bare.

When I was back in control I stood and strode out of the barn to find the others.

They were all gathered around the fire at camp for breakfast and news. We were all pretty freaking confused when Rick and King Shane came back last night with bruised faces and a Randal who they had supposedly driven 18 miles out to drop the fuck off. Then Rick came to me alone to ask a favor. He needed answers and apparently he didn't want to dirty his own hands getting them. That was fine with me, mood I was in, if it hadn't been Randal it would just'a been somebody else. Maybe Rick could see that...

They all turned to look at me as I approached. I shifted the weight of my crossbow strap on my shoulder, uncomfortable being the center of everyone's attention.

"Boy there's got a gang, 30 men. They have heavy artillery and they ain't looking to make friends. They roll through here our boys are dead and our women, they're gonna wish they were."

Rick made the call to execute Randal and then he and Dale stormed off in a heated debate about the death penalty or some shit.

My job done I headed off to the house to find Carol. I nodded my head at Amelia and Daniel as I passed them. Amelia had been uncharacteristically silent as Rick decided to execute a kid that had come into camp the same day as them.

It amazed me how quickly they had integrated themselves into the group.

I let my mind drift back to their first day when Rick had brought Randal home the first time. It was easier than thinking about the living dead girl I was heading toward.

I slunk down the steps of Hershel's porch, dropping my boots downs down hard on each step. Squinting into the light I saw those new people, Amelia and Daniel, talking to Rick and Andrea.

Their reception had been so different than Randal's They'd been treated with hospitable mistrust which they returned with gracious suspicion.

Amelia refused to give up her piece but gave her word that she wouldn't draw it unless drawn upon. She even went so far as to say we could shoot her if she broke her word but either she kept her piece or she and Daniel went on their merry way.

I chuckled, girl was a spit fire. Put Rick in a right awful predicament. Andrea had shown these strangers where we lived. If they left and were part of a larger group they could come back guns blazing.

On the other hand, they might be good and capable survivors who saved the lives of two of his people for no other reason than they looked like they needed help.

Considering what we saw at the nursing home in Atlanta and what happened in town last night, we could probably use a few more hands that knew how to handle a weapon.

Strength in numbers.

Carol's words played through in my head. I was starting to accept that I would have to share my head with Carol and Merle. I only hoped that when Carol started talking herself, my head wouldn't feel the need to fill the silence where her opinions should be.

Either way, looked like the girl was right about the whole strength-in-numbers thing.

I strolled over to the foursome and listened in. Amelia had her arms crossed and a hard look on her face. Daniel didn't seem quite so aggressive but just as serious.

"Before we make any decisions I'd like to speak with the girl, Carol," said Amelia in a defiant tone.

"Well, like I said, Herschel don't like guns and he wont allow you in his home with a fire arm," said Rick in a tired tone.

He'd had a long night and this conversation sounded like it was going in circles.

"You're awfully suspicious, sounds to me like you've had a few run-ins with some bad men, maybe before the world ended, maybe after. So have we," I said. "Nobody can make it on their own anymore. Believe you me, I get the benefits of just keeping it to one or two people you trust, you're more mobile, nimble, stealthy, less mouths to feed, but, even if you could fly under the radar, avoid geeks and keep yourself fed, eventually you will run into other people. What happens if those people are bad men?"

Amelia never took her eyes off me. She seemed to be trying to read me, size me up, but she was also listening. I could practically see the wheels spinning behind her eyes.

She and Daniel exchanged a look and some silent communication passed between them.

Andrea seemed to be on the same page I was because when Amelia and Daniel looked like they were considering the idea that staying might be better for them than going, she piped up.

"Listen, I get that we're in this weird limbo, we've saved each other's lives but the world has changed and trust comes at a very steep price. So, lets just agree to stay in limbo a little longer. We can get a read on you and you can see what we're like, who we are, how our group operates. At least stay until Carol is back on her feet and you can talk to her?"

Amelia eyed all of us and then locked eyes with Daniel. Whatever they said to one another I had no idea but Amelia huffed and said, "Lets get two things straight, we are free to go at any point if we decide you are not the kind of people we wanna hook up with AND the end of the world is not an excuse to disregard the last 100 years in strides made toward women's equal rights. Don't expect anything of me that you wouldn't expect of him," she said pointing her finger at me. "I've got no problem sharing the burden of any chores but if you expect me to accept chore division based on gender over preference or skill then you've got another thing comin.'"

Andrea laughed, "I like her!"

"Yeah well add race to Amelia's tirade about division of labor and you know how I feel," said Daniel, crossing his arms. "I am nobody's negro."

"Alright, well, glad we have that covered, Andrea I trust you will help our guests get settled, if you will excuse me, I need to have a word with my wife and get some shut eye. It's been a long night."

I watched Rick's back as he retreated.

"Well," said Andrea, "Daniel we can see if T-Dog's cool with you crashing in his tent and Amelia you can crash in..."

"No," said Amelia, "we stay together."

Andrea gave Amelia a startled look.

I felt an almost smirk on my lips. Now I was starting to like this girl.

"What Amelia means is, thank you for your kind offer but while we're still in limbo, Amelia and I would feel more comfortable staying together."

I saw Andrea's eye brows pulling up toward her hairline, she had no idea where to put these people. Seemed like this was more a job for Skeletor, she loved acting like queen-bee. I wondered for a moment if Rick knew how over baring and judgmental his wife was, and how much shit Andrea will catch if Skeletor decides she fucked this up.

I watched Andrea flounder for a second more.

Fuck it, I owe the woman.

"They can stay in my tent," I heard myself say.

Andrea looked at me not even trying to hide the surprised look on her face.

"Where will you stay?" she asked, but I was already walking away toward my camp to pack up my stuff.

"I'll go grab it," I hollered over my shoulder.

When I got back to the house I heard screams coming from Carol's room and rushed to the door. Sophia had tears streaming down her face, she must have just woken up from a night mare. Carol was holding her close, rocking forward and back, forward and back.

I watched Carol stroke her sister's hair and shush her crying, whispering comforts and it's-all-rights in her ear.

I slipped away and back out the front door. They needed each other and for the first time they were helping each other. Sophia forcing Carol back to life and Carol holding Sophia's hand whenever the nightmare of their life overwhelmed. I didn't want anything to break what ever spell it was that had woken them up and lord knows I would only be in the way.

I sat down on the stairs and watched in amusement as Amelia and Daniel tried to put up my tent.

Amelia was by-no-means an expert, and I don't think Daniel had ever seen a tent before but she had a meticulously determined approach and eventually they figured it out.

A little after they finished Maggie sat down next to me with two plates.

Will you bring Carol and Sophia their food? You seem to be the only person who can get them to eat," she said softly, a tired expression on her face. Girl was going through her own trial with her sister trying to opt out and all.

"Do I look like a fucking waiter to you," snapped, snatching the plates out of her hands and stomping up the stairs, a hint of a smirk on my face.

A week had passed without much change, I thought as I stomped up those self same stairs. Sophia would get out of bed and spend time with Carl but she would just sit there next to him, silent, staring off into space. She would only eat if her sister did and they would only speak to each other and only that if Sophia woke from a nightmare and they were both in that place between being waking and sleep.

I slipped into Carol's room. She was sitting up and staring off at the wall. I hated that fucking wall. I wished I could take a sledge hammer to it, give her something to look at if nothing else. Instead I just sighed and I shut the door behind me. Walking over to my chair I collapsed into it. Leaning forward, resting my elbows on my knees I examined my shredded knuckles.

"I just beat a man half to death. At least, I think he's not dead..."

The silence was suffocating. I couldn't bare to look at her expressionless face so I kept my eyes down, focused on my knuckles.

"I guess you can't really call him a man..."

I thought of his story about the girls. Even if he was telling the truth and he hadn't touched those girls he just stood there and let it happen right in front of him. No you could never call someone like that a man.

I felt the shackles on my own guilt pulling me down. I felt myself sinking, shifting, settling into the dark places where bottom feeders dwell.

"He was tied up, defenseless, but he had answers we needed and he wouldn't give'em up without ... persuasion. So I tortured 'im 'til he broke. It was the right thing ta do, it was for the good of the group but-"

I shook my head and fought back a grimace.

"He told me something, something I wont repeat, something bad his group had done and I just snapped Carol. I started pounding his face in but it wasn't his face no more.

"I was so angry and I saw all the fucking people I hated or blamed for the bad shit that's gone down.

"I saw your daddy, Rick, Shane, even Merle, but no one as much as myself. I fucking hate myself more than anyone, more than your daddy, more than mine.

"I thought I was doing right by you, respecting your wishes, letting you handle you own shit your own way, but I was wrong and I'm sorry I let you down.

"I should have killed that som'a'bitch when I had the chance, now you got the burden of killing your own Pa and Sophie ... After all those years of you sacrificing yourself to protect that little girl, she gets attacked by her father and then has to watch her father and sister fight to the death ... and it's all my fault because I wasn't man."

Squeezing my eyes shut I buried my hands in my hair and strangled the greasy strands in my aching fists.

"I saw the faces of all the people I hate, none more than myself, and with each new face I just hit harder and harder I was insane, a mad dog, but then I saw your face I just stopped. Seems that even when I'm hallucinating in some sort of psychotic episode I still couldn't even lay hands on you in anger."

I shook my head back and forth as if I could deny the truth.

"I hate myself for what's been done to you, what I let happen."

I felt a feather light weight on my shoulders more like a breath of air than a human touch but I snapped my neck up to see her, standing, STANDING! Right there in front of me her hands hovering over my shoulder.

Her face was contorted in the sobs that she was fighting back. Relief crashed down on me, it was the first time in a week her face had shown any emotion. She might have been in pain but she was alive, really alive.

"I killed him Daryl, I stabbed him with the little knife you gave me and I felt him him die. He was on me and I felt him die and his blood was all over me, coating me, coating my hand. It so sticky and thick and hot and the smell, oh god Daryl the smell. OH GOD! Oh God! Oh god."

Her voice trailed off in a whisper and then she was just standing over me as her entire body was wracked in silent sobs.

I was a little paniced unsure what the right move was so I started to lift myself, my arms going around her middle but the second my hand grazed her side, her reaction was immediate, a blur of motion driven by animal instinct.

Suddenly she was wrapped around me and we were falling together. We each fell on our side but I don't even know if she noticed. There we were, on the floor, her legs wrapped around my waist, her arms around my neck like a little koala bear but the sobs coming from were she had buried her face buried in the crook of my neck were entirely human and I couldn't be more grateful.

She was hurting and in need of mending in more ways than one, but my friend was back. So there I was, the emotional retard, stoking her back and telling her "I'm here. I'm here. I got you." Over and over as I waited for her to ride out the flood that had broken through her catatonic facade.

She had come back to me and I would never let her slip away again.