I am so sorry it has been a while, guys… I have not abandoned this, but I just started a new job and I always come home way too exhausted to write. It took me way much longer to write this next episode than it should have. Hopefully the next one comes faster but I don't know... please bear with me and with the story! I promise it will continue to progress.
Anyway, hope you enjoy Episode 2… please share your thoughts as they mean a lot to me. Thanks
Episode 2- The One In Westchester
(Scene opens in Monica and Chandler's house. Monica and Chandler are sitting on the couch in the living room. Monica is holding Jack and Chandler is holding Erica. Boxes are strewn across the floor.)
Monica: Honey, we have to learn how to tell them apart. There must be some feature, some distinction.
Chandler: Well, you see Monica, boys and girls have different-
Monica: I know, Chandler. I meant other than that. Until they get older and the obvious differences start to emerge, we need to find something to help us tell them apart
(Chandler looks down at Erica.)
Chandler: She has blue eyes.
Monica: Jack has blue eyes too!
Chandler: Isn't Erica's hand smaller?
(Monica holds up Jack's hand against Erica's.)
Monica: Nope. Same size.
Chandler: Okay, well I think Erica's right earlobe is definitely bigger than her left. And look, Jack's are the same size.
(Monica studies the twins.)
Monica; Oh, yeah. Cool. Guess we can totally tell them apart now.
(Chandler nods in satisfaction.)
Opening credits.
(Open in Ross's apartment. Rachel is standing in the main hallway. She walks to the closed door of Ross's bedroom.)
Rachel: Ross! Come on! We're gonna be late!
(Cut to Ross's room. He is sitting on the bed with Emma on his lap, holding a book open in front of him.)
Ross: Say tyrannosaurus, Emma. Ty-ran-no-saur-us.
(Emma reaches up and grabs Ross's nose.)
(Enter Rachel.)
Rachel: Ross, stop trying to get her to learn to say the names of all the types of dinosaurs.
Ross: But if we get started now, she could begin studying paleontology by elementary school. Come on, Rach, she can do it, she's a genius. She is already saying so many words.
Rachel: yeah, right now we are working on saying "Dada crazy."
(Ross glares at Rachel, and puts the book on the table.)
Ross: Alright, let's go.
Rachel: I can't wait to see how Monica decorated the place. I haven't seen it since before they moved in.
Ross: Yeah Monica was really strict. We absolutely could not see the place until the house warming party.
Rachel: Are you ready yet, Ross? Phoebe is downstairs with the cab.
Ross: We're taking Emma in Phoebe's cab? Are you crazy?
Rachel: We don't have a car. Although we could call my dad and borrow his Mercedes. would you rather me drive?
Ross: Phoebe's cab it is!
(Enter Joey, carrying a shoebox in one hand and a sandwich in the other.)
Joey (with his mouth full): Hey guys! Ready to go?
Rachel: I'm just waiting for this girl over here. You would think I would take longer to get ready.
Ross: I'm ready, I'm ready (He grabs his coat and hands Rachel hers.)
Rachel: (pointing at the box): what is that?
Joey: It's chick Jr. and duck Jr.!
Rachel: You're bringing the birds and you think Monica is gonna be okay with that?
Joey: I can't leave them alone all day! They can't even deal with not being in bed with me at night.
Ross: You sleep in bed with a chick and a duck?
Joey: It's not my fault that Rachel won't let the chick sleep with her!
(Cut to the street by the apartment building. Phoebe and Mike are sitting in the cab.)
Phoebe: So you really meant what you said about wanting to start a family right away?
Mike: Well, I want to have lots of kids with the woman I love. And we're not getting any younger...
Phoebe: That's not true. I believe that in a few years, science will prove that we all can become younger as time goes on. Or in our next lives you and I will find each other and I will have a whole, new younger uterus and we can get started earlier.
Mike: Next life?
Phoebe: Yeah, this is my third life already. In my first life, I was a nurse in world war 1, and in my second one, I was actually a mermaid.
Mike: See this is why I love you.
Phoebe: You know what? Let's go have sex now.
Mike: We can't. We have Monica and Chandler's housewarming.
Phoebe: Why are we friends with them again?
( Joey, Rachel, who is carrying a car seat, and Ross, who is holding Emma, enter the car.)
Phoebe: Great we're all here!
(They have not even sat down when Phoebe starts the ignition and speeds off.)
Rachel (addressing Ross): And you trust her more than me?
(Scene opens in Monica and chandler's kitchen. Boxes still strewn the floor, now along with various household appliances and furniture. Monica stands on a chair, organizing appliances into a cabinet. Enter Chandler.)
Monica: You have to help me unload everything before everyone gets here. They can't know we have been here for a week and have barely unpacked. Plus, to be honest, this mess is beginning to make me cringe.
Chandler: Wait… you're letting me help with the unpacking? Is that Galileo I hear? Did he just say the world, in fact, does revolve around the sun?
Monica: I'm desperate. We only have an hour until they get here.
Chandler: Can't we just tell the guys you have been busy with our week old babies and cooking for today and haven't had time?
(Monica pretends to think about it.)
Monica: Nope. Grab a box and start unloading.
(Cut to street in front of Monica and chandler's house. Phoebe speeds into a parking spot next to the house and drives up onto the grass, knocking over the mailbox.)
Ross: Phoebe!
Phoebe: What? It's not like I hit anyone!
Ross: Yeah, not this time
Phoebe: That cop had it coming! He stalked us for twelve exits!
Ross: Oh, yes, I wonder why we were being chased.
(Cut back to the inside of Monica and Chandler's house. The room is somewhat more unpacked, but there are still many full boxes on the floor. Monica is cleaning one of her sponges with another sponge.)
Chandler: You know, if you want to get unpacked, you probably shouldn't waste time, I don't know, cleaning a cleaning appliance!
Monica: How is the sponge supposed to clean anything if it's also dirty?
(The sound of a baby crying can be heard.)
Monica: I'll be right back. I can't believe I'm trusting you with this, but do you think you can start putting all the bathroom supplies away? That's all we have left to unpack. Remember, each towel gets its own hanger—
Chandler: I'm fine. Go take care of the babies.
(Monica sighs and goes to the bedroom. Chandler takes a large pile of towels out of a box. The doorbell rings. Chandler looks frantically from the door to the towels in his arms.)
Chandler: Uh… uh… coming!
(He goes over to a cabinet in the kitchen, shoves the towels into it, slams the cabinet door shut, and opens the door to see Joey, Phoebe, and Mike.)
Chandler: Hi, guys!
(Everyone exchanges hugs.)
Chandler: Where are Ross, Rachel, and Emma?
Phoebe: Oh, Ross is moving the cab. He had the nerve to say I parked it wrong.
Mike: Because the first lesson in Driver's Ed is to remember to always park your car on the lawn.
Phoebe: What, it's not like I hurt anyone, or anything. Oh, by the way, Chandler, here's your mailbox. I hit into it with the cab.
(Phoebe hands Chandler the remains of the mailbox, which is in three pieces.)
Chandler: This mailbox must have said something to piss you up.
(Enter Monica, from the bedroom.)
Monica: Hey, guys.
(Everyone exchanges hugs again. Monica looks down at the pieces in Chandler's hands.)
Monica: is that our mailbox? What the hell did you do to it, run over it with a car?
(Everyone stares at Phoebe.)
(Cut to the outside of the house. Ross is attempting to park Phoebe's cab, and Rachel is in the passenger seat next to him. Emma is in the car seat in the back.)
Ross: There we go. A nice, normal parking spot, right in front of the house and not on the lawn.
Rachel: Yeah, and it only took you... Ten minutes to park it?
Ross: You have to be very precise to make sure the car is exactly-
Rachel: That's great, Ross. Let's go, I want to see Monica and chandler.
(Ross and Rachel get out of the cab. Rachel opens the door to the back and takes Emma out of the car seat. They walk towards the house when the door to the house next door opens and a man, Bill, walks out.)
Bill: Are you two responsible for this?
(He holds out his broken mailbox and a few clumps of dead grass.)
Rachel (nervously): Oh, well, you see, our friend, uh...
Ross: I got this, Rachel. (He faces Bill.) I did not drive onto your yard. My friend Phoebe did. She's a little... Out of sorts. I was just fixing the park.
Bill: Well, since I don't see this supposed phoebe, I am going to assume that the gel you use in your hair is seeping into your brain.
(Rachel laughs. Ross gives her a dirty look.)
Ross: Well, I'm really sorry that happened. I'll see that phoebe replaces the mailbox...
Bill: Well see that this invisible girl mows my lawn too!
Ross: Uh... Right away, sir!
(Ross and Rachel start towards the house.)
Bill (calling out to them): Oh, no wonder, you're going to the house with the screaming babies...
(Cut to Monica and Chandler's house.)
(Monica is standing in the kitchen preparing food Joey and Chandler are playing with the birds in their box on a chair, and Phoebe and Mike are on the couch.)
Phoebe: Are you bored?
Mike: Nah... This is a great party.
Phoebe: You're bored. And you're making your horny face. You want sex.
Mike: What horny face?
Phoebe: That thing you do with your teeth when you want sex... Let's go have sex, come on.
Mike: Okay, first of all, I don't have a horny face, and second of all, we can't. We're at Monica and Chandler's.
Phoebe: I don't see them using their room, do you?
(Mike glares at Phoebe, clearly eager, but skeptical.)
(Phoebe makes a buzzing sound.)
Phoebe: Oh that's... Mike's stomach.
Mike: What?
Phoebe: Mike we should probably go to the bathroom and take care of that.
Chandler: Everything okay over there?
Phoebe: Oh yeah he just needs me to... Give him some medicine. We'll be right back.
Monica: You're going to miss the appetizers and house tour!
Phoebe: Mike could die!
(Monica rolls her eyes. Phoebe and Mike exit.)
Monica: Clearly they're up to something, but we don't have time to deal with that. The schedule doesn't allow it.
Chandler: Let's not mess with the schedule. Or we will awaken the devil. She's been reciting the schedule in her sleep.
(Enter Ross, Rachel, and Emma. Ross and Rachel look frazzled.)
Monica: Hey guys!
(She goes to greet them and notices their expressions.)
Monica: What's going on? Is everything okay?
Rachel: Your next door neighbor. The one at the house over there (Rachel gestures to the right) Kind of a demon spawn.
Monica: Bill?
(Monica turns to Chandler.)
Monica: He has never bothered us before.
Ross: Well, he doesn't like your babies very much. And, Phoebe owes him a mowing for parking on his lawn. (Ross looks around) Where's Phoebe?
Monica: Don't even ask. Chandler will talk to Bill.
Chandler: I will?
Monica: Yeah, you will.
Chandler: I think I'm actually gonna, uh, go see how many times I can slam the door on my hand before it breaks.
(Monica shoves chandler towards the door.)
(Cut to Monica and Chandler's room. Phoebe and Mike are lying in the bed, making out.)
Phoebe: I told you this is a great place to start our family. It's so clean. And they hardly use it.
Mike: How would you know that?
Phoebe: Because it's Chandler. Believe me, Monica does not get laid very often.
(Mike just stares at Phoebe. Phoebe begins kissing him again.)
Monica (off-screen): Oh god, Joey! I told you to leave them in their box, now I have feathers on my floor.
Joey: She jumped out!
Monica: Oh, god. I need to get towels.
(Footsteps are heard approaching the room. Phoebe and Mike stare at each other, panicked.)
Mike: What do we do?!
Phoebe: Get under the bed!
(Phoebe and Mike struggle out of the bed and slide stomach first onto the floor. Mike pulls Phoebe under the bed and barely squeezes in next to her, using a part of the blanket to hide himself.)
(Enter Monica. She goes into the bathroom and comes back with a towel. Suddenly, she looks towards the bed and drops the towels.)
Monica: WHY is the bed unmade? I'm gonna kill Chandler…
(Monica begins making the bed. Scene opens a few moments later. Monica is standing in the living room, reading off a sheet of paper. Ross, Rachel, and Joey are standing next to her.)
Monica: So before we give you the house tour, I am going to serve the hors d'oeuvres- Fried shrimp and Thai chicken curry in coconut milk. Chandler and I went to this great Thai place right down the block the other day and tried it and it is delicious... Anyway..Joey: Monica! Food!
Monica: Okay, okay. Now I made everyone a special place card with your names on them. Sit at the seat with your respected place card and-
Joey: Monica! Food!
Monica: Okay!
(Everyone stands by the table, looks at their place card, and begin
moving them around to new seats. They sit down and Monica brings a tray over.)
Joey: That's it?
Monica: There's a main course, don't worry!
Joey: Can't we just eat it all now?
Monica: No! That would break my schedule!
(Enter Chandler.)
Rachel: So? What happened?
Chandler: I don't know what you guys are talking about. Bill was as nice as he always is. Oh, and I'm invited over there to watch Die Hard sometime.
Joey: Die Hard? Can I come? I love this guy.
Ross: I don't get it. That monster is going to watch Die Hard with you?
Chandler: Sorry, Ross, but it's got to just be something you did. Maybe it's your… your hair.
(Ross makes a face.)
Chandler: He said he understands about the mailbox and Phoebe, you don't have to mow his lawn… (Chandler looks around) Where's Phoebe?
Monica: We're not entirely sure. She had to (puts up two fingers indicating quotation marks) give Mike his medicine (puts fingers down) but they've been gone a while. Their loss. I was just about to serve the poached salmon. I even made Phoebe eggplant parmesan instead.
Joey: I'll have it, you know, since she isn't here and all.
Monica: Go right ahead.
Ross: Yet another party where you poach something.
(Monica glares at Ross.)
Rachel: Well, I don't get it, but Ross… whatever it is you do, don't do it when we leave. I don't need him screaming again, it will probably upset Emma.
Ross: Emma was unaffected. It's upsetting you.
Rachel (beginning to cry): Well, he yelled at us…
(Joey interrupts, yelling at looking at the floor.)
Joey: Chick Jr.! Duck Jr.! No!
Monica: Where are those birds now?
Joey: Chandler, why did you leave the front door open?
(Monica turns to Chandler with her hands on her hips.)
Chandler: Joey brings the birds here and I get yelled at.
Joey: Well, guys, don't just stand there! They can get run over!
(Joey runs out of the house, followed by Ross and Rachel. Monica goes over to the closet by the front door and grabs a vacuum.)
Chandler: You're not gonna help?
Monica: I have to vacuum up these feathers. They're everywhere!
(Chandler rolls his eyes and exits.)
Chandler: Did you find them?
Joey (yelling): Come to mama!
Chandler: I guess not.
Joey (grabbing Chandler): What if they're in the foosball table again?
(Chandler stares at him.)
Chandler: Okay, Joey, first of all, they can't wander back to the city on their own, and second of all, we destroyed the table, remember?
Ross: Maybe we should split up. Rachel and I will go this way (points to the right)
Chandler: As in, as far away from bill's as possible
Ross: Okay, okay, let's just find the birds.
(Cut to the main hallway in Monica and chandler's. Monica is preparing the food. Enter chandler.)
Monica: You find them?
Chandler: No, but Joey is so distracted looking, he didn't notice me slipping away.
Monica: Chandler!
Chandler: I needed a break! This is Joey. He was knocking on peoples doors asking if the birds wandered in. He wanted to take a cab to turkey to see if maybe they went there to be with other birds.
(A pause.)
Chandler: Yeah, I know.
Monica: Well as long as the other three are out looking, all three kids are napping, and Phoebe and Mike are MIA, we may as well do something we haven't gotten a chance to do with all the unpacking and preparing for the party.
Chandler: What's that?
Monica: Christen the house!
(Chandler lifts Monica in his arms and carries her towards the bedroom. Cut to the bedroom. At the sound of the footsteps, phoebe and mike arise from under the blankets.)
Phoebe: Are you kidding me?
(She and Mike roll off the bed as fast as possible. Mike bangs his head on the wall.)
Mike: Ow...
(Phoebe covers his mouth and drags him under the bed. Enter Monica and chandler, chandler still carrying Monica. They fall onto the bed, and begin making out.)
(Cut to under the bed. Clothes start to fall off the bed and onto the floor. Cut to under the bed. Mike and Phoebe are lying under the bed. Mike looks disgusted and phoebe looks fascinated. Mike gives Phoebe a look.)
Phoebe (whispering): Chandler is wild in bed!
(Mike just glares at her.)
Phoebe (a little louder): Who would have thought Chandler Bing could be good in bed?
(Cut to the bed. Monica and Chandler are under the blankets. They stop kissing and stare around the room, confused.)
Monica: Phoebe?
(Cut back to under the bed.)
Phoebe (disguising her voice): Nope. It's uh… The Phalanger. I'm the monster under your bed.
(Cut back to the bed.)
Monica: Phoebe, what the HELL are you doing under mine and Chandler's bed?
(Chandler picks up a shirt and pants from the bed.)
Chandler: I just realized these clothes aren't mine.
Monica: You and Mike were having sex in OUR BED?
Phoebe: Now, it may look that way, but… like I told you… I was giving Mike his medicine. It needs to be given naked on a bed.
Chandler: Really? This disease sounds interesting. What is it?
Phoebe: It's called… Mookaka disease. It's… Swiss.
Chandler (to Monica): Mike is Swiss?
(Monica sighs.)
Monica: Whatever, guys. We're going to go to the bathroom, and you guys are going to get dressed and out of here. And… no looking at us.
Phoebe: You maybe, but not Chandler.
(Mike glares at Phoebe.)
Monica: Phoebe!
Phoebe: Right. We won't look.
Chandler: Oh, can we have our clothes?
(Mike awkwardly hands Chandler the clothes without emerging from under the bed.)
(Cut to outside Monica and Chandler's house. Ross and Rachel are wandering down the street, looking down at the ground and in the street.)
Ross: Chick Dr.! Duck Jr.!
Rachel: Hey, do you think they flew away?
Ross: Chickens can't fly. But I guess the duck might have.
Rachel: Poor Joey. He really loves them.
(A quack is heard.)
Rachel: What was that?
(Ross and Rachel look down, and see Duck Jr. waddling past them, Chick Jr. beside him.)
Rachel: Oh, there they are! You guys scared us! Come here!
(Rachel leans down to get the birds, but they walk away.)
Rachel: Damn it!
(Ross and Rachel continue chasing the birds. They are so into what they are doing, that they don't notice that they have traveled to Bill's lawn. The birds waddle into the garden. Ross and Rachel walk over and fiddle in the bush to catch the birds. Enter Bill, from inside his house.)
Bill: What in the name of hell of you guys doing?
(Rachel jumps and emerges from the bush.)
Rachel: Oh, hi Bill. So, we heard you like Die Hard….
Bill: Why are you in my yard?
(Ross emerges from the bush.)
Ross: our friends duck and chick ran away and we were just helping him find them... And incidentally, they came into your backyard.
Bill: another invisible friend?
Rachel: okay, you know what, our friends are real, and this is actually happening, and you're nasty to us when you're nice to chandler and I've had it to here-
Bill: how would you like me to call the cops and tell them you're trespassing?
Rachel (holding out her chest): have I mentioned I am a 32 C?
(Ross holds Rachel back.)
Ross: Rachel, stop!
(Chick Jr. And Duck Jr. come out of the bushes. Ross picks up Chick Jr. And Rachel picks up Duck Jr. Bill wanders over to the bush.)
Bill: iI they messed anything up...
(Ross and Rachel look at each other and start running.)
Bill: Come back here!
(Joey enters from the side of the house.)
Joey: Did you know that there's an ice cream store down the block? They have thirty different flavors! Thirty!
(Ross and Rachel, looking frazzled, wordlessly hands Joey the birds.)
Joey: hey, you're back!
Ross: You're welcome! It was a risk.
(Joey, Rachel, and Ross enter the house. Monica and Chandler stand in the living room, still looking a little embarrassed.)
Rachel: maybe it's both of us. (Rachel starts crying.)
Monica: Bill again? Are you sure you're not just being sensitive?
Rachel: I'm never too sensitive.
Monica: Yeah... Okay...
Joey: On the plus side, chick Jr. and duck Jr. are back!
Ross: But seriously this guy is like the incredible hulk with extra low serotonin levels.
Monica: In their box... now!
Joey: Okay... Relax.
(Joey puts Chick Jr. and Duck Jr. into their box.)
Monica: Chandler and i will talk to him later... Right now, we are completely off schedule. I haven't served the salmon yet..
(Mike and Phoebe enter and exchange awkward glances with Chandler and Monica.)
Monica: So... Phoebe... I made you eggplant Parmesan so you don't have to eat the fish.
Rachel: What's going on?
Monica: Nothing... Nothing. Let's eat now. I'll just get plates.
(All except Monica sit at the table. Monica goes over to the cabinet and opens it. The pile of towels falls out. Monica glares angrily at chandler. Chandler slowly ducks down further and further into his seat.)
Credits roll.
(Scene opens in front of Monica and chandler's house. Phoebe and Mike walks towards a small red car, holding hands.)
Phoebe: No one will find us in here.
Mike: Yeah, except when the person needs to leave their house and comes in...
Phoebe: Oh, dont worry about that. I have psychic instincts. I can tell when someone's thinking about coming out before they actually get here.
(Phoebe approaches the car and attempts to break into it, but the alarm goes off.)
Phoebe (screaming): RUN!
(Phoebe and Mike run away. Rachel and Ross exit from Monica and Chandlers house.)
Rachel: What's going on?
(Phoebe doesn't answer. Bill emerges from inside his house. He spots Rachel and Ross and yells towards them.)
Bill: Why the hell are you trying to break into my car?
Ross: Huh?
Bill: I've had just about enough of your antics!
(Bill comes towards Rachel and Ross, who also start running away.)
End show.