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ACT 2
Chorus: Now Leonardo and Julia have met and, to no one's surprise, have fallen madly in love with each other. Too bad it was before they knew each other's names. Even though they are supposed to be enemies, they will be stubborn and find a way to be together. Otherwise, there would be no point to this story.
OUTSIDE THE CAPPUCCINO ESTATE
Leon has run ahead of Benny and Marcus
Leon: [Starring up the fence surrounding the Cappuccino Estate]
Benny: [off in the distance] Leon! Where the hell did you go? I can't carry Marcus all by myself, he's too fat!
Marcus: I is not fat! I is fluffly!
Benny: Fluffly isn't a word!
Marcus: Fluffuly…fluffily… flub-flub…
Leon: Eh, screw them. [Climbs over fence]
Benny: I heard him! Did he just say screw us? What an asshole!
Marcus: Fenderlily…fugernoob…
Benny: Oh, shut up.
AT JULIA'S WINDOW
Julia enters on the balcony
(Note: Julia can't hear Leon. Even though he's, like, right there.)
Leon: [Hides in some bushes] Hey, what's that light over there? It is the east, and Julia is the sun.
Julia: [Sighs]
Leon: She speaks! Well, sort of. Speak again, bright angel!
Julia: Oh, Leonardo, Leonardo! Wherefore art thou Leonardo?
Leon, hearing Julia say his name, and not understanding the meaning of the word "wherefore", becomes very happy and excited and tries to leap out from the bushes. He ends up tripping over a root and clumsily stumbling out.
Leon: Here I am!
Julia: Ah! Who are you and why are you listening to my private thoughts?
Leon: Um, you know, it's not really that private since you're yelling it to the whole world from a balcony.
Julia: Hm, you have a point. But it's facing my backyard! No one's supposed to trespass into the backyard!
Leon: Ah, touché.
Julia: Hey, wait a minute. I recognize your voice! Aren't you Leonardo Montgomery?
Leon: Uuuhhh...no?
Julia: Yes you are! Don't lie!
Leon: Ok, I am. I just didn't know how to tell you my name, since we're supposed to be enemies and stuff.
Julia: How did you get here? You couldn't have gotten over the electric fence.
Leon: By the power of love I scaled that electric fence! Wait, that thing was electric? Holy crap!
Julia: I guess my idiot father forgot to turn it on…
Leon: Either way, stone walls can't keep love out!
Julia: But it was a fence.
Leon: Yeah, whatever!
Julia: By the way, you should probably keep quiet, because if anyone finds out you're here they'll most likely kill you.
Leon: Oh, snap! Are you serious? [Dives back into bushes]
Julia: It's ok, though. As long as you're quiet the darkness will hide you.
Leon: If you don't love me, let them find me here. I'd rather they killed me than have to live without your love.
Julia: How did you know how to find my bedroom window?
Leon: Love showed me the way! Also, it helped that your light was on.
Julia: I'm blushing like an idiot right now! What's wrong with me?
Leon: Julia, if we were separated by an ocean when I don't own a ship, can't read a compass, and have a terrible sense of direction, I would risk everything to get to you.
Julia: Oh,I don't know whether I should play hard-to-get or just melt into silly putty around you, I'm kind of new to this whole flirting thing. But please, don't think I'm not serious. I think I like you too much, to be honest. I swear, I'll be more faithful to you than any one else.
But, for right now, I think we should take it slow. I think we're moving a little too fast. So, good night for now. When we see each other again our love we'll be even stronger.
Leon: Wait, you're just gonna leave me so unsatisfied?
Julia: What satisfaction were you expecting?
Leon: I don't know. Something along the lines of intercourse?
Julia: What?
Leon: Uh, I said, would you marry me?
Julia: Oh…Oh my God! You just proposed to me!
Leon: Huh, so I did.
Julia: Yes! Of course I'll marry you! Because marrying you after we just met isn't moving too fast at all!
We have to arrange the wedding at once! You go do that. I'll send a messenger to you tomorrow. What time should I send them?
Leon: Uh, I, well -
Julia: 9 o'clock sounds good! I'll see you tomorrow, my love!
Leon: [slightly confused] Oh, uh, nighty night!
They blow air kisses and both exit
A FEW HOURS LATER IN FRIAR LAURENCE'S CELL
Leon: Hey, Larry!
Larry: Leonardo, I thought I told you to stop calling me that! What are you doing here so early? You look like crap, did you sleep at all last night?
Leon: Nnnope.
Larry: Were you stalking Rose, again? You know that she threatened to get a restraining order.
Leon: Okay, who the hell is this Rose girl everyone keeps talking about?
Larry: …Why don't you just tell me where you were last night.
Leon:
I'll tell thee ere thou ask it me again.
I have been feasting with mine enemy,
Where on a sudden one hath wounded me,
That's by me wounded. Both our remedies
Within thy help and holy physic lies.
I bear no hatred, blessèd man, for, lo,
My intercession likewise steads my foe.
Larry: Speak English, Romeo…
Leon: I fell in love with Julia Cappuccino and I want you to marry us.
Larry: No way in hell.
Leon: I'll pay you double.
Larry: Sure thing, kid.
They exit
LATER IN THE STREETS OF YE OLDE NOTINGLAND
Benny: Can you believe Leonardo ditched us last night?
Marcus: Who's Leonardo?
Benny: Your best friend, stupid. What's wrong with you? You can't be drunk again!
Marcus: Hey, I ain't planning to run a marathon.
Benny: Oh, I just remembered. A letter came last night for Leon.
Marcus: Who's it from?
Benny: Tyler. He probably wants a fight, though I'm not sure why.
Marcus: Well, in the original Romeo and Juliet, Tybalt wanted to fight Romeo because he saw him at the party and felt that he was insulting his family by his presence there. This parody wasn't very clear on that, though. I don't think Tyler's even gotten more than a few lines.
Benny: [horrified] Did you just completely break character in order to explain a poorly executed but very important plot point?
Leonardo enters
Marcus: Hey, look! Here comes Leon.
Benny: And we're just going to pretend that it never happened...
Marcus: You faked us out pretty good last night.
Benny: Now you remember?
Leon: What are you guys talking about?
Marcus: You ditched us last night!
Leon: Sorry, I had something more important to do then help drag Marcus home.
Benny: I didn't take him home, I left him in a ditch.
Marcus: Yeah, why did you leave me in that ditch?
Benny: You told me to.
Marcus: I did?
Leon: Yup, you kinda did.
Marcus: Oh…Ok, then.
Emma and Bartleby enter
Leon: Hey, look.
Emma: It's hot. Give me my fan, Bartleby.
Marcus: Yeah, give her a fan to hide her ugly face! Haha!
Emma: Rude! What kind of man are you?
Benny: The kind that gets drunk at 9 o' clock in the morning…
Emma: Uh huh…can any of you tell me where I can find Leonardo Montgomery?
Leon: That's me.
Emma: Can I have a word with you?
Benny: Oh, you've done it now!
Marcus: You're in troouuble!
Marcus and Benny tease Leon as he tries to push them away
Leon: Get out of here!
Marcus: Ok, fine. I'm hungry.
Benny: Me too.
Marcus: Let's go raid Leon's fridge!
Leon: What?
Benny: Yeah!
Marcus: [To Emma] Bye, grandma!
Emma: Grandma? Why I oughta'-!
Benny and Marcus exit
Emma: What idiot gets drunk at this time of day?
Leon: An idiot who's main purpose thus far is comedic effect. Now, what did you want to talk to me about?
Emma: Oh, right. I nearly forgot. Julia wants to marry you, like, now-ish. She got all pissed off at me when I told her that she's being stupid and impulsive by marrying you after you two just met. I don't know why she wants to marry you, anyway. Rome is waybetter looking. But she won't listen to me, so when are you planning on getting this thing settled?
Leon: Tell Julia to come to Friar Laurence's cell this afternoon. He'll marry us then.
Emma: Sure, whatever. Just to let you know, I don't like you. Jules might think you're all that and a bag of chips, but Rome is just all-around better than you are -
Leon: I think you've made your point -
Emma: Don't interrupt me! Like I was saying, Jules is, like, totally in love with you, and I'm only doing this for her. I care about her, and if you break her heart, I'll beat you so bad your own parents won't recognize you.
Leon: Ok, I get it.
Emma: I'm serious, I'll kick your ass.
Leon: Alright, already!
Emma: Best wishes to you both.
Leon: I'm just gonna walk away now.
They both exit
Julia: [pacing back and forth anxiously] Oohhh...I sent the nurse at 9 o' clock. It's been three hours since then! What if she can't find him? What if she got lost? What if her ADD started acting up? Oh, why does she have to be so fat and slow and - !
Emma enters
Julia: Oh, good, sweet Emma! Did you find him?
Emma: What? Find who?
Julia: Leonardo! Who else?
Emma: Oh right, that one. Yeah, I found him. I must say, you have horrible taste in men. I'm embarrassed to say that I raised you.
Julia: You found him? Good! What did he say?
Emma: What did who say?
Julia: Leonardo! What did Leonardo say?
Emma: Oh, of course. He said- where's your father?
Julia: My father? Why did he ask about my father?
Emma: Why did who ask about your father?
Julia: Leonardo!
Emma: Leonardo? Who's Leonardo?
Julia: The guy I sent you to talk to!
Emma: Oh! That's right…Why would Leonardo ask about your father?
Julia: Oh, I have a headache now…
Emma: Did you eat lunch?
Julia: No, I was too anxious to eat lunch.
Emma: Well, no wonder you have a headache.
Julia: I have a headache because you won't answer a simple question! Could you please tell me what Leonardo said?
Emma: Oh, Leonardo! You must hurry! Run to Friar Laurence's cell! Go, go!
Julia: Wait, what?
Emma: No time to waste, you're late!
Julia runs off
Emma: Ha ha. Well, that was fun.
Emma exits
Larry and Leon enter
Larry: I have a bad feeling about this, Leonardo. Are you sure you know what you're doing?
Leon: I really have no clue.
Larry: Oh, well, that just makes me feel so much better...
Leon: I just know that I love Julia, and if I can call her mine I don't care what happens to me. All I know is that she's worth it.
Larry: You know, it was just a couple of days ago you said almost the exact same thing about Rose…
Leon: Alright, seriously, who is Rose? I have no clue who you're talking about!
Larry: [sighs] Never mind…
Julia runs in and hugs Leon
Larry: Awww. Well, don't you two just make a wonderful, ridiculously naïve couple? So, are you ready to seal this deal?
Julia and Leon don't answer. They stand and stare intensely into each other's eyes
Larry: Umm…alright. Let's do this quickly, so you can get on to the honeymoon…since apparently, that's all you two can think about. Ah, well. Let's get on with it.
All exit