...
ACT 3
Benny and Marcus run in
Marcus: [out of breath] Wow, that was close…those big dogs were scary…
Benny: [also out of breath] Yeah...I forgot how heavily guarded the Montgomery fridge was.
Marcus: Aren't you a Montgomery?
Benny: Yeah, but no one remembers that. I'm surprised that you were not only able to outrun the dogs, Marcus, but you were able to run in a mostly-straight line. Aren't you supposed to be drunk?
Marcus: I'm not really sure anymore. This story is stupid, and it's really confusing me.
Benny: Okay, okay, I think we should stop breaking the fourth wall now…
Marcus: Why? People love it when characters do that!
Benny: Yeah, but what if the wall completely collapses? Who knows what's out there beyond it? The wall makes me feel safe.
Marcus: Ok, fine, we won't break it anymore. Jeez.
Benny: Thanks. So…what should we do now?
Marcus: Let's fight with Tyler.
Benny: What? Why?
Marcus: I don't know, but the script says I'm supposed to want to fight him.
Benny: What did I just say about breaking the fourth wall!
Tyler enters
Marcus: Hey, Tyler!
Tyler: What do you want?
Marcus: I want to fight you.
Tyler: Why? What reason do you have to fight me?
Marcus: I don't know. Do I need a reason?
Tyler: I guess not. This play is chock-full of nonsensical violence.
Benny: Dammit! Stop breaking the fourth -
Tyler: But before I fight you, I want to fight Leonardo.
Marcus: Why?
Tyler: Y'know, I'm not really sure. I don't think we've really explained my character's motives.
Benny: Oh my God! How many times -
Tyler: Hold on, let me see this…[takes out script]
Benny: Don't take out your script in the middle of a scene! What's wrong with you?
Tyler: Ah! I get it now! I want to fight Leonardo because he insulted me with his presence at my uncle's party, which he knew he wasn't invited to -
Benny: [aside] How would that insult Tyler? It was his uncle's party after all, not his. Plus Marcus and I were there too, so why doesn't he want to fight us? I don't get it.
Tyler: And now that you've picked a fight with me, I want to fight you because you hang out with Leonardo! There, now that's cleared up.
Marcus: But that still doesn't explain why I tried to pick a fight with you in the first place.
Benny: I give up…
Tyler: I don't know. Maybe you're just an asshole.
Marcus: Oh. Hey, wait a minute!
Leon skips in merrily, humming to himself
Tyler: Ah, there he is.
Leon: Marcus! Benjamin! My two bestest friends in the entire world!
Benny: Dude. Why were you just skipping?
Marcus:…[snickers]
Leon: Oh, you don't know how happy I am! I'm so happy I could kiss all of you, but I won't because that would technically be cheating on my new bride.
Benny: Uh huh. Wait, what was that last part?
Tyler draws his sword
Tyler: Turn around and face me, you villain!
Leon: What?
Tyler: Fight me!
Leon: You know, if you had come a few hours earlier I would have gladly fought you. But now, I can't. Let's just say…I've had a change of heart. Tyler, you're like a brother to me now.
Tyler: How dare you insult me by calling me your brother! [thrusts sword at Leon]
Leon moves out of the way of Tyler's sword. Marcus, who was coincidentally standing right behind Leon, is stabbed instead.
Marcus: Ahh! Ah…ah, that stings…
Leon: Shit! Marcus, are you okay?
Tyler: Crap! No way am I going to stay here and except the reasonable consequences of my foolish actions! [runs off]
Marcus: Dude…why the hell did you move out of the way? If you hadn't...I wouldn't be hurt now…
Leon: I don't know. It seemed like a good idea at the time, since, like, a sword was about to pierce my heart and all.
Marcus tries to stand up
Benny: Marcus, you shouldn't move!
Marcus: It's okay…[grunts] it's just a scratch…
Benny: Um, I hate to break it to you, but Tyler cut your whole arm off.
Marcus: What? [looks down] Aw, fuckin' hell…he was using a rapier! How is this even possible?! Gah!
Marcus falls back to the ground
Leon: Don't worry, Marcus! I'll avenge you! [runs after Tyler]
Marcus: Your houses!
Benny: What was that?
Marcus: I don't know. [dies]
Leon catches up with Tyler
Leon: Hey, Tyler!
Tyler: What?
Leon: I think I'm ready for that fight now!
Leon and Tyler fight. Tyler is slain.
Benny: Leon, run! Get out of here! If you're caught, Prince Steve will give you the death penalty!
Leon: Oh yeah! I completely forgot about that factor.
Leon runs off
Prince Steve, Lord and Lady Montgomery, and Lord Cappuccino enter with Others (whoever others are)
Steve: What happened here?
Benny: Tyler killed your relative, Marcus. To get revenge, Leonardo killed Tyler.
Steve:...That's it?
Benny: Well, yeah. I mean, it's not like I need thirty-some-odd lines to explain what the readers just read. Oh crap, now I'm doing it!
Steve: I...suppose.
Lord Cappuccino: Lies! Benjamen is a Montgomery! His loyalties make him lie!
Benny: Someone remembers!
Steve: Other witnesses have told me the same story. Tyler killed Marcus. Leon killed Tyler. Now then...[turns to all]
End scene
...
JULIA'S BEDROOM
Julia: Oh, I can't wait until tonight when Leonard and I can fully express our love! And by that, I mean have [insert pretentious avoidance noun here].
Emma: Guess what! Leonardo killed your cousin.
Julia: Egad! Here, take this shiny piece of metal to him! [gives Emma her ring] It will comfort him.
Emma: Um…how is a ring supposed to comfort him?
Julia: Don't worry about it, it will work. Now go!
Emma leaves
LAURENCE'S CELL
Leon: Life sucks.
Larry: Guess what! Instead of giving you the death sentence, the prince just decided to banish you from Ye Olde Notingland.
Leon: Egad! I would prefer death!
Larry: Ungrateful prick.
Emma enters
Emma: Here's a shiny ring to help you with your troubles.
Leon: I instantly feel comforted.
Larry: What? How did that work?
Leon: Man-jewelry makes everything better!
Emma: Oh yeah, and Jules said she still wants you to come to her room tonight.
Leon: This day is awesome!
Larry:…
They exit