...
ACT 4
Enter Lord Cappuccino and Rome
Cappuccino: Well, I think we've waited long enough. What day is it?
Rome: It's Monday.
Cappuccino: Alright, let's schedule the wedding for Thursday!
Rome: Thursday? That soon?
Cappuccino: What's wrong?
Rome: It's just, Julia's cousin was recently murdered. Maybe you should give her a little more time to grieve…
Cappuccino: Nonsense! A wedding is perfect, it will perk her right up. I'll tell her the news in the morning.
They exit
…
It is now the next morning and Leon and Julia are lying in bed together
Julia: It was a nightingale.
Leon: I'm pretty sure it was a lark.
Julia: Nightingale.
Leon: Lark.
Julia: Nightingale!
Leon: Lark!
Emma enters
Emma: Your father is coming! By the way, it was a Lark.
Leon: Ha! Told you so!
Julia: Forget about that now, my father is coming! [pushes him to the window]
They kiss at the window
Julia: Oh, I feel like I'll never see you again.
Leon: Of course we'll see each other again. Things always work out for the ones who have true love on their side.
They kiss again, and Leon goes down the ladder.
Julia: Oh, Leonardo…
Lord Cappuccino enters
Cappuccino: Julia? Are you still in here? What's the matter with you?
Julia: I think I'm sick.
Cappuccino: I know what will make you feel better!
Julia: Is it a puppy? I've always wanted a puppy.
Cappuccino: Um, no, it's not a puppy. It's a wedding!
Julia: Whose?
Cappuccino: Yours!
Julia: Oh, dear…
Cappuccino: Well? You know, if you pronounce it in a weird way, it could sound kind of like puppy.
Julia: I don't want a wedding!
Cappuccino: Oh. Are you sure?
Julia: Yes!
Cappuccino: Well then. [waving goodbye and walking out the door] Have fun struggling for survival on the streets!
Julia: Father, wait!
Cappuccino exits
Julia: Darn. I was really hoping for a puppy.
Julia goes to Larry's cell.
Larry: Julia! I know of your predicament and I've come up with a plan to save you!
Julia: Oh, isn't it horrible, Friar? I can't believe it!
Larry: Yes, it is terrible…yet, strangely predictable…
Julia: I've been begging him for a puppy since my fifth birthday, and he promised to get me one. And here I am, fourteen, and still no puppy!
Larry: Wait, what? What are you talking about?
Julia: Well, what were you talking about?
Larry: Um…[hands her the potion] Just drink this the night before the wedding.
Julia: Oh, thanks!
Julia exits
Larry: [sighs] I tried to warn them, but do those kids ever listen to me? Nope…
Laurence exits
ACT 5
Chorus: That night, Julia told her father she would marry Rome, but the next morning she is found lying in her bed, "dead". Friar Larry has sent a messenger to the nearby town where Leonardo is staying. Unbeknownst to Larry, Leon has sent Bartleby to Ye Olde Notingland to see how things are with his family and Julia. Bartleby witnesses Julia's funeral and runs to go tell Leon that his wife is dead, while Larry's messenger, Friar Johnny, is stuck in traffic. Now, lets continue with our story.
Larry and Johnny enter separately
Johnny: Hey, Friar Laurence!
Larry: Ah, John. Thank goodness. I've really been stressing out, and I could use some relief. I trust Leon got the message?
Johnny: Speaking of the message, here it is! [hands Larry the letter]
Larry: What!
Johnny exits
Larry: Wait, I-! Oh, this is bad! This is very bad!
Larry exits
…
APOTHECARY'S OFFICE
Leon enters
Apothecary: No soliciting! Go away!
Leon: I'm not soliciting. I happened to pass by here a while ago and I thought to myself, "If ever a man needed to buy a poison to kill himself, he would surely find it here."
Apothecary: Hey! I take offense to that comment! I do not deal in such black market items.
Leon: So, you can't sell me poison?
Apothecary: Well, actually…
Leon: [pointing to Tobi] What's with the pig?
Apothecary: What? Haven't you ever seen a pig before?
Leon: I just wondered why you had it…
Tobi: Oink!
Leon: Hey, its kinda cute. I like her. Can I buy the pig, too?
Apothecary: I thought you were going to kill yourself.
Leon: Well, why can't a man buy himself a pig, just cause he's gonna kill himself? I call discrimination!
Apothecary: It just doesn't make much sense, since you're going to die anyway.
Leon: Maybe I would just like someone to be present with me when I die, so I don't have to die alone.
Apothecary: You sound like a miserable loser. Fine, you can take the pig.
Leon: Much obliged. [gives her the money]
Apothecary: Here you go. [hands Leon the poison and Tobi] Pleasure doing business with you. Come again! Oh, that's right…never mind.
Leon exits
A CEMETARY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT
Enter Rome and Bartleby
Rome: Bartleby, hand me that torch.
Bartleby: What a minute! I'm confused! Just what character am I playing, exactly?
Rome: You're "the character who goes wherever he is needed". You were basically thrown in here because the author of this parody didn't want an abundance of unnamed and minor characters. So, you just ended up with several small parts.
Bartleby: Oh…but won't that be confusing later on?
Rome: Perhaps. Just give me that torch. Stay here and stand guard. [Rome goes to Julia's closed tomb] My Julia…I'll make it my nightly ritual to bring flowers to your grave.
Bartleby whistles
Well, that sure was fast. I feel as if I've been unfairly robbed of page time. Ah, well. [hides in the bushes]
Leonardo enters
Leon: Bartleby? Was that you whistling?
Bartleby: Um…no.
Leon: I think you're lying, but in order to get this thing over with I'll pretend I believe you.
Bartleby: …Okay.
Leon: Hand me that crowbar and hold the light. Now, I'm going into the tomb. Don't you dare come in after me!
Bartleby: Why would I want to go in after you? There're dead bodies down there! Speaking of which, why exactly are you going down there?
Leon: I'm going to do something very evil.
Bartleby: Oh. Well, good luck with that.
Leon: I'm serious. I plan on doing something very despicable and vile and…and evil! Don't follow me, or -
Bartleby: I get it, I won't follow you.
Leon: It's evil!
Bartleby: Get on with it, already!
Leon: [glares] I'm watching you.
Bartleby: [sighs] If I go behind the bushes over there, will it make you feel better?
Leon: …It's possible.
Bartleby: Fine. [goes behind bushes]
Leon: Alright, then.
Rome emerges from the bushes
Rome: Stop, Montgomery! I've caught you, and now I'm going to turn you over to the royal guards.
Leon: Don't get in my way! Whoever you are.
Rome: …What?
Leon: You obviously know who I am, since you called me by name, but I'm afraid I don't know who you are.
Rome: Really? You - you don't know who I am? Are you serious?
Leon: Well, it's kind of dark, I can't see you very well, and I don't recognize your voice. Have we met before?
Rome: Actually, I'm not sure. We've never been in a scene together, so I guess we don't know each other personally. Even though you were best friends with one of my relatives. I think the only reason I know you is because you killed my would-be wife's cousin and were banished.
Leon: I literally did not understand a single word you just said.
Rome: Oh, never mind. Let's just fight already.
Leon: Hold on, now! Why do you want to fight me?
Rome: Isn't it obvious?
Leon: Not really.
Rome: [sighs] As I've said already, you killed my fiancé's cousin, and apparently there's a rumor that she died from grief over his death.
Leon: [sarcasm] Yeah, that's likely.
Rome: So, I want to avenge the death of my wife. Plus, you're desecrating the tomb of a noble family, and that's just not cool.
Leon: I'm sorry, but I'm a little lost. Who was your fiancé again?
Rome: Julia Cappuccino.
Leon: What? Oh, hell no! No one gets engaged to my wife!
Rome: What?
Leon: Oh, it's on, bro! It. Is. ON! [pulls out sword from nowhere]
Rome: Do you just carry that sword around all the time in case someone starts a fight with you?
Leon: Well, it seems to be happening a lot lately, so yes.
Rome: Alright, then. Bartleby!
Bartleby emerges from behind the bushes.
Rome: Hand me my sword.
Leon: Hey! I thought you were my servant!
Bartleby: Yeah, sorry about that. [to Rome] And sorry, Rome, but you didn't bring a sword with you.
Rome: What? Why not?
Bartleby: You came to mourn in a graveyard in the middle of the night. I guess you assumed you wouldn't need it.
Rome: Oh. That's hardly convenient.
Leon: It is for me.
Rome: Well, Bartleby, did I bring any thing that can be used as a weapon? A dagger, perhaps? Hell, a knife will do.
Leon: I wonder if that's an insult towards me…
Bartleby: Sorry. The only things you brought were some flowers and a spoon.
Rome: A spoon? Why the hell did I bring a spoon?
Bartleby: To eat pudding, but you forgot the pudding.
Rome: Oh, right. I guess it will have to do, then.
Leon: Now, let's stop stalling and fight!
Rome: [wielding the spoon] Bring it on!
Leonardo and Rome fight. Rome is stabbed.
Rome: Hm. Well, its not like this came as a surprise to anyone. [dies]
Leon: The sad thing is, I almost lost…
He picks up Rome's body and throws it into the open tomb.
Now, to get on with the actual plot.
He goes into the tomb and finds Julia.
Ah, my beautiful wife…
He stares longingly at her for several minutes. Then, he grabs her by the shoulders and begins to shake her and scream.
Wake up! I know you're faking it! Wake up, dammit!
Bartleby: [from outside the tomb] Leonardo, she's dead!
Leon: No, she's just sleeping. Wake up, Julia!
Bartleby: I'm serious! She's not going to wake up!
Leon: Oh, come on! Everything always works out for people who are truly in love, right? [panicky] Right?
Bartleby: Well, I think there's plenty of people who doubt the sincerity of your feelings…
Leon: I read Romeo and Juliet in high school! She's just sleeping! Wake up, Julia!
Julia still does not wake up.
…Alright…I guess she really is dead. [opens a satchel he was carrying with him and takes out the poison and Tobi]
Alright, little piggy. It's been nice knowing you, but I'm afraid I have to leave now…
[overly dramatic] Eyes, look your last. Arms, take your last embrace. And lips, O you, the doors of breath, seal with a righteous kiss a dateless bargain to engrossing death. [kisses Julia and takes the poison] Come, bitter conduct. Come, unsavory guide. Thou desperate pilot, now at once run on the dashing rocks thy seasick, weary bark. Here's to my love! [drinks the poison] O true apothecary, thy drugs are quick. Thus…with a kiss…I…
Leon burps loudly
…Huh. That wasn't exactly what I was expecting…
Bartleby: Are you dead yet?
Leon: I don't think so. I think I've been cheated…
Bartleby: Oh. That sucks.
Leon: Tell me about it. What should I do now?
Bartleby: Well, you still have your sword.
Leon: Oh yeah! [takes out sword] Ew, but it still has that one guy's blood on it.
Bartleby: So? You're going to die! Does it really matter?
Leon: Hey, didn't I tell you earlier to get out of here?
Bartleby: Oh, right.
Bartleby leaves
Leon: Hm. What to do in this situation? Maybe I can just sit here and die of starvation…no, that sounds too painful. [Sighs] This is kind of embarrassing. I guess I'll just leave now.
Leon takes Tobi and leaves
A few moments later, Friar Laurence trips down the stairs to the tomb
Larry: Ow! What the heck? Was that a body randomly lying on the stairs? [looks back] Holy hell, it's Rome! What in the world is going on here?!
Julia: [waking up] Leonardo…?
Larry: Not quite.
Julia: Oh…
Watchman 1: [outside the tomb] Did you hear something?
Larry: Crap!
Watchman 2: It's probably nothing. Nothing interesting ever happens in a graveyard in the middle of the night. I mean, what kind of person wants to be in a creepy, misty graveyard at night?
Larry: Hurry, Julia! We have to go!
Watchman 1: What does that say about us then?
Watchman 2:…
Julia: I'm not leaving without Leonardo.
Larry: Ugh, the things I do for you kids!
Larry rushes out of the tomb to fend off the watchmen
Watchman 2 freaks out and stabs Larry
Watchman 1: Oh my gosh, you just stabbed that guy!
Watchman 2: I didn't mean to! He flew out of a tomb, I was scared!
Watchman 1: Dude, you stabbed a friar! Look at his robes!
Watchman 2: Aaah!
Watchman 1: You are sooo going to hell for this!
In the commotion, Julia manages to sneak away
...
Chorus: So, Julia safely made it out of Ye Olde Notingland and was eventually reunited with Leonardo. And so, the happy couple began their new lives living in the nearby town of Ye Olde Notimportant, raising their pet pig Tobi, who Julia repeatedly insisted was a puppy. And their infantile, careless love flourished. Well, sort of.
...
A FEW YEARS LATER…
Julia and Leonardo are sitting across from each other at the breakfast table
Julia:…
Leon:...
Julia:...
Leon:...
Tobi:...
Julia: I want a divorce.
...
THE END