Twirlygigs and Gizzards: The Unlikely Continuation of an Unlikely Romance

Chapter 9: Treehanger

A/N: SakuGaar is such a crack pairing, even Naruto doesn't believe it!

I like the word "ravish".

Sakura and Gaara reached the end of the 600 block of Tenth Street and turned towards downtown.

"No little kids today," Sakura said happily, resting her head against his shoulder. "We can do anything we want."

"Can we go somewhere where we can be alone?" Gaara asked softly. But not softly enough. From behind the hedge that formed the border of the Uchiha's yard, nine kids went pale.

"He's not going to—," Sasuke stuttered.

"I don't believe it," Kiba said, shuddering.

"He's really going to go through with it," Naruto said, stunned. "I didn't think he really would—,"

"He's going to to lure her away from help, then ravish and brutally murder her?" Hinata quivered.

"And Sakura is such an innocent, she'll never suspect his motives... she'll fall right into the trap," Shino sweated.

"The bastard!" Neji exclaimed.

"How could he?" Tenten asked, her expression that of an intrepid hero who has just realized the extent of The Villain's evil.

"We're lucky we caught them today," Shikamaru said. "At least now you guys can keep an eye on them."

"And you too, Shikamaru-kun," Hinata added innocently.

Shikamaru rolled his eyes. "Yeah, me too."

"I cannot allow him to do this- this-," Lee choked trying to find the right word. "Heinous, despicable thing! I must hasten to her rescue!" he yelled, bursting through the hedge. "Uh-oh... where'd they go?"

They had gone to Aru's to pick up a custom picnic basket and plan their next move. (Sakura was all for an isolated waterfall reasonably close-by.

Ino and Chouji, once more unable to locate Shikamaru, had decided to sit on Asuma's roof and spy on Kankuro and the Sand Sib's house. But to do this, first they needed hot dogs. And there was only one place in Konoha for hot dogs.

"Ino! Chouji!" a frantic voice hailed them as they approached the entrance. They looked around.

"Over here!"

Ino stared at the assortment of hair styles poking up from inside the dumpster in the alley that Aru's Market shared with the next store over. "What are you guys doing in there?" she asked..

"We're stalking Sakura," a voice near the spiky blond and ebony hairs said. "Get in here, quick, before they come out!"

"Ew, gross."

"No, it's empty. Trash pickup was this morning."

"Still..." Ino took a revolted step back.

"Look, Ino, Chouji, Sakura may be in danger." said one of the other hairstyles. "Gaara is trying to get her alone, and we think it's so that he can ravish and brutally murder her, thereby beginning his vendetta against Lee, and he can't know we're onto him, so, please, get in the dumpster!"

"What?" Chouji asked.

Sasuke appeared. "Gaara of the Sand has been da- da- hanging out with Sakura. In his quest to get at Lee, he is making the woman Lee loves fall in love with him so that he can break her heart, or at least ravish and brutally murder her."

"You sure?" Ino asked. "Because he seems nice enough to me."

The dumpster gaped at her.

"I mean, we knew they were dating, but... why would he want to get Lee? That's more the kind of thing I'd expect out of Kankuro."

"Ino, have you lost your mind?" the dumpster snapped. "Kankuro's the normal one, Gaara's the nutcase!"

"Whoa, whoa," Chouji interrupted. "So, Gaara's the one Lee fought, and Kankuro's the one with the face paint who doesn't do much."

"Yes."

"And Gaara's trying to get Sakura alone to murder her,"

"Ravish and brutally murder,"

"Yeah, that, because it will hurt Lee."

"Yes."

"Oh, well, don't worry," Chouji shrugged. "She's dating Kankuro, she'd never wander off with his brother."

"She's not dating Kankuro!" yelled the dumpster in nine voices.

"She's definitely got it for Gaara," Akamaru and Kiba's hair said.

"But he doesn't really love her," Lee added, a little pleadingly. Tenten patted his arm.

"So she's two-timing on him!" Ino exclaimed. "And with his own brother, nonetheless! The whore!"

"HEY!" Lee sprung into sight, ready to attack Ino, but was stopped by Naruto and Sasuke's arms, which appeared and pulled him back out of sight. "She's not a whore! She's a delicate flower caught up in the twisted games of—"

"Where are you getting all this stuff about Kankuro, anyway?" Kiba's hair asked. "We've never even seen them talk to each other."

"A few weeks ago we saw her totally chewing Gaara out about how he treats Kankuro, and he didn't do anything," Ino said.

"You were there, remember, Shikamaru?" Chouji said. "We thought he was going to squish her like a pink-haired bug. And the logical reason both that she blew up like that and that he didn't retaliate is that she's dating his brother, so she felt she needed to stand up for Kankuro, and Gaara felt that he couldn't kill her!"

The dumpster began to speak from the vicinity of Shikamaru's ponytail. "Yeah, that would make sense... but more likely, since these occurrences with Sakura and Gaara have only started after that incident, and since I've never heard of her having anything to do with Kankuro, she was in a crappy mood because Naruto and Sasuke were picking on her," Naruto and Sasuke's ears turned red. "So she took it out on Gaara. He didn't kill her immediately because he realized that here was his chance to get at Lee, his arch-rival for whatever reasons make Gaara tick... don't ask me, I'm a strategist, not a psychologist."

"So..." a look of comprehension was dawning on Ino's face. "No Kankuro?"

"No Kankuro."

"Sakura's in danger!" Ino gasped.

"YES!" Naruto exclaimed, standing and pounding on the outside of the dumpster urgently. "Now GET IN THE DUMPSTER! QUICK!"

Chouji looked ready to jump in, but he looked over at Ino first, and she hesitated. Suddenly, the door to Aru's opened from the inside, and she swallowed her pride, and she and Chouji clambered in, not a moment too soon.

Had they not used their lightening-fast reflexes, they would have been spotted by Genma and his girlfriend, who had just left Aru's... and who knows what kind of catastrophe that would have caused.

"Ok, false alarm," Neji assured everyone after a quick survey of the surroundings. Eleven hairdos and twenty eyes peaked out over the edge of the dumpster. (Hinata was too short to clear the edge completely.)

Genma looked casually over at the bizarre waste management method that Aru's had put into effect, and decided he didn't want to know.

"I don't think he saw us!" Tenten sighed with relief.

"You know it wouldn't have mattered if he had seen us. I don't think the entire village is conspiring to help the creepy sand kid ravish and brutally murder Village Sweetheart Sakura," Shikamaru said.

"I know, but I've got a reputation to defend!" Tenten said. "I don't want to be known as that girl who hangs out in dumpsters!"

"So, why are we hiding?" Chouji asked. "Why don't you just confront Gaara in front of everyone?"

"Keeping the carnage down to a minimum of eleven-ish dead?" Shikamaru suggested sarcastically to Ino. Lee heard him.

"Shut yo' mouth!"

"The real reason is that we—," Sasuke motioned at Lee, indicating he was the hero, "have to rescue Sakura from him after he's made his move, otherwise she won't believe us, and we'll just drive her right to him."

The door opened again, and everyone ducked once more.

Sakura and Gaara turned down the road out of town... into the forest.

On a nice sunny hillside, not far from the very spot where they had had their first kiss, the couple stopped to enjoy the solitude of the day.

"Sakura..."

"Yes?"

Gaara wrapped his arms around her waist. "I just like saying Sakura."

Sakura giggled and kissed his forehead. They stayed in that position for a moment, Sakura's lips against his skin, their eyes closed, taking in each other's presence and the beauty of the day, the warmth of the sunshine, the sound of the wind rustling through the branches of the single tree on the hill, a few yards away from them.

Ok, it wasn't the wind rustling the branches...

"Move it, Neji-wedgie, you're squishing me!"

"I can't help it, Chouji's crowding me!"

"I- can't– breath— Sasu–,"

"Shh!"

"Oh my god, is she really kissing him? Sakura, girl, what are you thinking?"

"Oh, my sweet, sweet Sakura, why are wasting your precious kisses on that unfeeling animal?"

"Dude, don't let that she-male sister of his hear you say that,"

"Kiba, I don't think Temari's a hermy,"

"If she messes with Lee, she'll have to get by me first! We have unfinished business!"

"Seriously, could we have picked a worse spot to hide? Hinata's turning blue. Sasuke, move your ass before she suffocates."

"It's a drag, but it's the only cover. Now be quiet!"

Sasuke inched closer to the trunk so Hinata could breath, Chouji shifted a little, forcing Shino to shift, forcing Kiba to shift, which stuck Hinata back in the airless position she had been in before all the movement. The tree branch groaned.

"I think I've got a branch stuck in my ear..."

"Be quiet!"

"But it really hurts..."

"Shut up!"

"Sakura..."

"Gaara..."

Gaara smiled at her. "You're so amazing..."

Sakura smiled back. "And you're so wonderful..." she sighed. They leaned in to kiss one another, their mouths moving closer and closer...

And with a tremendous cracking noise, a thick branch on the tree behind them snapped off, and eleven voices and one panicked dog shrieked in terror as they plummeted to the ground in a giant, surprised heap.