i. Complicated
"Oh, fuck off."
Tenten threw the scroll at Neji, stomping away as Naruto watched with wide-eyes at the words that just came out of her mouth.
Naruto whispered, unsure if he was allowed to speak, "Can she say that?"
Neji shrugged in response. "She's team leader." Then he began to follow her, tucking the scroll into his pocket. Confused, as well as a tiny bit afraid, Naruto took after Neji as the three made their way to some unspoken location.
The blond-haired boy squinted his eyes, finding no words exchanged between the two. Tenten walked with complete purpose, her teammate understanding and trusting her without question. In a way it was eerie how in-sync they walked...
"Oi!" Naruto called as they passed into the more rundown parts of Konoha. "Where ya going? The village dump?" He snickered, hoping his joke would lighten the mood.
Without turning her head, Tenten scoffed. "My house."
Her words felt like a kunai had pierced Naruto straight through the chest. The usual-hyperactive ninja shrunk down as he remained quiet for the rest of the trip.
Upon seeing Tenten's abode, a strangled gasp leapt from Naruto's throat. It wasn't even a house, it appeared to be a set from a horror movie. The ground around them was scorched, charred trees and bear traps surrounding the perimeter. Going through the front door sounded like the quickest route, but there wasn't a front door. It was just a large splintered piano jammed into the doorway. Pointing, he exclaimed, "That's a death trap!"
"Choke on a slimy dick, Newface," Tenten growled, "I live here."
Blowing the bangs out of her face, Tenten approached her house. It looked like be a foreclosed apartment building, surrounded by broken debris or barbed wire. Blithely, she traversed the mangled remains with ease. She cartwheeled, twisted, and pirouetted around to a window. Dodging traps that sprang senbon and flails at her, she winked at the two boys as she slid inside.
Naruto peered over at Neji, hoping the prodigy would have some words of sensibility to offer.
"It's nicer on the inside," is all he offered before using a chakra-powered jump to vault onto the stone wall. He was careful not to land on the part that was crumbling or covered in glass, and into the window-less window of the second-story.
Some screaming from Tenten occurred, leaving Naruto too timid to try and enter just yet.
"Fuck-in-a-half, Neji! You left my tarot cards on the table and the wind knocked them all over the place!"
"I'm sure they're all here," came Neji's nonchalant reply.
"Oh, they better be, pretty boy. I swear, when I lost your precious-little-fucking throw pillow you busted your left testicle glaring at me! Well who's blue-balled now, motherfucker!" Some odd noises occurred, as if things were being knocked around.
"I promise I will find them all." How could Neji be so calm about all this, Naruto wondered hysterically.
"Well start looking, or I'll eat your - hey, where's that grass-stain-of-a-ninja go? Neji!"
Naruto felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand up, his body's natural instinct to flee kicking in. Anticipation welled up inside him. The feeling of ever-seeing eyes passing over his body close to making him run away at top speed.
After a moment he could hear Neji again.
"He is standing outside still."
"That ingrown pubic hair!"
As Naruto gaped at the indecency of Tenten's vocabulary it left the brunette girl enough time to open a window that wasn't broken. She hurled a carving knife in his direction, grazing the boy's cheek and jolting him out of his stupor. Holding the wound, Naruto could only stare at Tenten as she juggled another knife on her fingertip.
"The hell are you doing? Get in here, I'm making lunch before we leave." She waved the knife around, the action looking careless if it was anyone else but her.
"Bu-but... okay." Naruto, thoroughly intimidated. He mimicked Neji's route into the building before Tenten threw anymore weapons at him.
It turns out that the Hyuga was right, the interior of the building was much more maintained than its outside counterpart. Aside from some piles of broken junk, Tenten's house was neat and tidy.
Locating a nearby staircase that took him to the ground floor, Naruto was bemused to see the great Neji Hyuga. He was lying on his stomach, arm shoved as far as it could go beneath Tenten's couch, attempting to reclaim a tarot card. Despite the mundane activity, the prodigy's face remained serious as usual. Byakugan activated, his cheek pressed close to the carpeted floor, he acted like they were already on the mission.
Tenten walked in soon after, holding a tray of sandwiches and tea. She deposited it on the coffee table before walking over to where Neji was and kicking him in the rear.
"Hey, Nej-Nej, get off the floor and eat. You'll get that card later." It seemed Tenten was easing out of her foul mood, much to Naruto's relief.
While Tenten's living room was furnished, the setting of its contents was rather... off. She had four couches, all different styles. Two faced a flat-screen TV while the others rested on the sides, a low mahogany table standing in the middle. Myriads of pillows covered every surface, from feathery ones to old ones to cushions of unknown origins. If a spot wasn't covered by a pillow it was underneath a stuffed animal instead.
"Is that a pillow fort?" Naruto asked, motioning to the big tent in the far corner of the room. It was cute being covered in blankets, christmas lights, and a cardboard sign that read 'Neji's Hidey Hole'. Naruto couldn't fathom the Hyuga actually using the space though.
Tenten nodded, handing a sandwich to the blue-eyed boy. "Yep. Neji over there," she glanced over to the prodigy, who was feeling the texture of his bread instead of eating it. "Is diagnosed with a rare disease called ass burgers -"
"Asperger's," Neji spoke up without looking away from his sandwich.
"-Ass burgers," Tenten continued, "which makes him a intolerable to be around. If he gets on my nerves I can shove him in there and he comes out a teensy bit less arrogant!"
That explained a lot, Naruto thought, wondering what could be in the fort that made Neji decent to be around.
As if a freaky mind-reader, Neji scowled at Naruto. "Don't even think of going in there." Immediately Naruto's 'sneak into Neji's hidey hole' plans fled down the drain.
"Wasn't," he lied, changing the subject. "Hey Tenten, why is all your stuff so... not matching?"
The brunette girl, plopping down beside Neji and throwing her legs over his lap, shrugged, taking a bite out of her lunch instead. "This was an apartment complex, but in the Kyubi attack most of the place got smashed. When I was younger I lived at the orphanage, but I liked being here much better and began turning it into a livable habitat by myself. With the help of the Third Hokage - may his soul rest in peace - I own all the property. Except for the TV, that's Neji's. So he can watch Spongebob."
"Those channels are blocked at the Hyuga household. Especially my room, where the reception is horrid," Neji added, a slight frown marring his stoic features. "So is the cooking network, even though they kept Suna Girls Gone Wild: Untamed and Uncensored." He sounded bitter about this peculiar injustice.
"You have porn?" Of the entire talk, it seemed that was the only thing Naruto cared to listen about. Eyes sparkling, he asked, "Can I come over sometime? I mean, to study of course. You could tutor me, you're a genius and -"
"Save it," Tenten huffed, chucking a sandwich straight into Naruto's mouth. "Neji's room is literally where the heavens align and the only channels on his TV are porn. They make him live there because he's the only Hyuga who has never strangled his skin porpoise. Aren't you, you repressed little ass burger." She leaned over, tugging at Neji's cheek with a grin.
Shocking clarity shone above Naruto, bathing him in a warm glow of self-actualization. Of all the people in the world, he had never met anyone quiet like Neji Hyuga.
"You don't masturbate!?"
Though he shouted the question louder than necessary, Naruto felt he got his point across. Neji stared back at him, the epitome of peace as he stroked his sandwich.
"Like, not even a stiffy? A half-mast? A single erection in your boring life? When you piss do you just shake once and leave?" Questions piled up in Naruto's head faster than he could speak them. "And yet you have a TV that blasts high-definition tits at your face whenever you please! How can you not be aroused by that!"
Neji had the decency to look thoughtful. He leaned closer to Tenten, resting his head on her shoulder, fingers running across his sandwich as he stared off into space. Naruto leaned forth in his chair, willing an answer to come out of the Hyuga. After a terse moment, the air stilling between the three Genin, Neji came to his conclusion:
"Nah."
Tenten giggled as she watched Naruto throw a tantrum over her teammate's access to unlimited nudity. She remembered the first time she and Lee came over to Neji's room to study for the Chunin exams. The white-eyed genius turning on Backdoor Sluts XXX as 'background noise' like it was the most natural sound to read to. Lee's face had turned redder than the actual color while she herself choked on her own spit from laughing so hard.
Fond memories those were. Lee never goes to study at Neji's house anymore, his youthful mind plagued by Monika's 'finishing move'. Meanwhile, Tenten has grown accustomed to the noise enough to let it fade into the background.
The weapons-expert stretched, pushing Neji off of her as she sprawled out like a cat. "Well, have you been enlightened, Newface? I live in an abandoned apartment complex and Neji has not touched his penis intimately for the entire thirteen years of his life. Wow, what a sizzler, Konoha Journalism's best article for sure. Signed and sealed - let's go, we got a mission."
She stood up, patting herself down before turning to Neji with an expectant look. He in turn pulled out the scroll from before, handing it to his teammate. Before Naruto could marvel at the thoughtfulness, Neji opening his mouth as wide as he could and engulfed his sandwich.
A tad disgusted, Naruto looked on in awe at the dynamics between the two, trying to figure out which one was crazier.
While Tenten re-read the contents, her stomach full and mood bright, Naruto felt he had to confirm a growing suspicion before they set out on their mission.
"Are you two, like, a couple or something?"
Pausing in her reading Tenten gave the other a smile that could only be summed up as conspiring. "Neji likes to call me his 'spiritual life partner'. I'm okay with being a girlfriend though."
"We were destined before the dawn of time," Neji said, getting off the couch to resume his quest for the tarot card. Face on the floor he continued, "Though you convinced me, Naruto, that fate is not predetermined, I do know that there are laws of this world that we cannot bend. Tenten being my mate is one of them."
Said brunette huffed. "Girlfriend sounds so much cuter."
Neji's response was muffled by the carpet. "Mate is more permanent. Girlfriends, that title is temporary. No one stays a girlfriend forever. A mate promises eternity." Naruto scratched the back of his head at that one, wondering how Neji could get himself a girlfriend in the first place.
"Whatever, Smegma Eyes," Tenten grumbled, cheeks a fine pink as she pocketed the scroll. "C'mon Newface, we need a thousand kunai and a thousand shuriken and if we're late I'm storing them up your sphincter." She moved to the window, jumping through it without waiting for them.
Naruto inwardly groaned, now dreading more time with the duo. Neji emerged from the bottom of the couch, holding a tarot card that he then placed onto the coffee table beside the others.
"If you make Tenten wait, she doesn't go back on her promises." He advised before following after Tenten through the window.
The blond boy wondered if Tenten ever feared of robbers, then remembered that this was Tenten. "She'd probably skin them alive," he muttered to himself. As he prepared to jump out the window, Naruto contented himself to knowing some of the inner complexities of Neji and Tenten.
A/N: This is the worst thing I've ever written at 2 am. If you feel Neji shouldn't have ass burgers then sorry but now he has ass burgers.