Twerking Monkeys

by Two Guns and a Knife

Nah, that's not how the story ends, Cupcakes. A crazy little story full of doubts, unfortunate and unlucky accidents and events, indecision, and sad mad people. Theme Song: A Matter Of Trust by Billy Joel. HEA? Maybe. No animals were harmed in the marking of this unexpected journey, BTW.

21. The Bucket List

The Bucket List

He wakes up to a powerful urge to cook something hot, tasty and extra cheesy for the woman he loves.

He jumps out of bed, runs down the stairs and out of his door. He's going to drive all the way to the Farmers' Market. All Italian men are great cooks. He'll find a best spot in the parking lot. He'll have a nice chat with the friendly vendors. Buy fresh and local. Buy organic. Buy cheap. With a generous drizzle of his treasured white truffle oil. Garnished with homemade crispy garlic chips. She's going to love his 3-cheese pasta cupcakes. Love is the best seasoning. He smiles under the bright morning sun as he breathes in the clear morning air. The shortest way to this woman's heart is through her stomach. Oh yes, he's not going to wear anything under the apron. She's going to love his extra spicy meatballs and giant cannoli. He will happily cross off the last item on his bucket list after the meal. He lets out a happy sign as he reaches for the car door handle. Suddenly someone starts screaming:

"Jeez! Morelli! Put some pants on!"

He looks down and sees his naked body. All the people on the street stare at him. He feels like a 12-year-old. Someone starts giggling. He watches in horror as his penis changes shapes and then starts shrinking. Spongebob. Patrick Star. Scooby-Doo. Doc. Grumpy. Happy. Sleepy. Bashful. Sneezy. Dopey. Zip. Zilch. Zero. Nada. Nothing. Everyone laughs louder. He stands there freezing, unable to move a limb. Joseph A. Morelli, the man with no penis. He opens his mouth to scream—

He wakes up in his car in the crowded parking lot. For a moment he doesn't know where he is. It takes him a while to notice the numb pain in his hand. The night is dark. With a shaking left hand he reaches downward. The throbbing member between his legs remains where it is. His hand stays there for a long long time. Somewhere out there in the neighborhood, a dog howls. Both Stephanie's car and the sleek black Porsche are already gone. Batman and his band of Merry Men. And the persecuted maiden.

Joe Morelli starts his car. His stomach roars like a beast.