Finding His Reason
Chapter 5 - Dalek
He looked back at the human bloke Rose had invited on board, the look in his eyes when he met her gaze, telling Rose that she would be responsible for showing him around. Adam was a fair sight prettier than he was, younger and human as well. He could build a life with Rose, and for that The Doctor found that he was both jealous and annoyed. She could do anything she wanted with Adam behind closed doors and it wasn't any of his business what they did. Had she brought Adam along because she wanted what he couldn't give her?
He watched her disappear down the hall as she led Adam deeper through the ship. Turning around once Adam was the only one he could still see, The Doctor turned back to the TARDIS as he began maneuvering the controls. If she wanted to show Adam the stars then he would give her that, he thought as he directed the TARIS into a cluster of nebulas on the far edge of the universe. This part of the universe was still growing, still expanding. New stars were being formed every moment, and he knew that Rose would love it.
The TARDIS focused her attention on Rose, watching her Time Lord's companion as she led this new human male through the halls. She looked deeper into the girl's heart, trying to understand what had made her bring this male on board only to find herself confused. Rose wasn't happy. Her emotions were in a state of turmoil, fear and anger and grief turning over each other like clothes in a wash cycle. Something had happened to both of the ones she swore to protect, her Time Lord and his companion unsettled even as they tried to appear unaffected.
"You'll need a room then," Rose told Adam as she led him through one hall and down another. "TARDIS forms the room for each person."
"This is a space ship," Adam said, and Rose felt amusement warning with annoyance.
"You going to get over that bit anytime soon?" she asked and watched him turn to her with a questioning gaze. "Fifth time you've said that," she told him with a teasing smile.
"You have to admit, this is more than a bit mad," he said and looked around. "I'm just glad you turned out to be human."
"Why's that then?" Rose asked as she waved her hand toward a nearby door. "Your room; go on and open it. We've been standing here long enough for the TARDIS to make it."
Adam reached out for the handle on the door, turning it slowly and pushing it open as he looked back and invited her inside. She followed him into the room, surprised at the overall lack of decorations. There was a bed in one corner, barely big enough for him to sleep on, she thought and a chair by the wall. She looked over at Adam as he settled down on the bed, his bag next to him as he shifted and called the mattress lumpy. Frowning as she moved to the door across the room, Rose arched a disbelieving brow at the bathroom that was barely bigger than a broom cupboard. Either the TARDIS didn't like Adam or he hadn't given her anything to go by for making the room.
"So, what did you mean earlier?" Rose asked as she turned back to look at Adam. "Why are you happy I'm human?" she asked him again.
"Well, to be honest, if you hadn't been, Mr. van Statten would've wanted to scan you, too." He told her as though the idea of scanning someone was perfectly normal.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Rose asked as she gave him her full attention, politely declining the seat he offered her next to him on the bed.
"Mr. van Statten scans all the new alien things I bring him. He has a few different machines he uses to see what's inside and how things work. Even has a doctor of his own on staff to perform autopsies if he ever actually finds an alien," Adam explained.
"Autopsies?" Rose asked tonelessly as she stared at him, her expression unreadable.
"Well, sure." Adam shrugged as he stood and moved toward the window. "He finds alien things and studies them. What?" he asked when she grasped his arm and spun him to face her.
"You're telling me that he would've tried to study The Doctor?" Rose asked, anger and fear warring within her. "He would've tried to…to cut him open?"
"It's not like he's human," Adam said with a shrug. "He looks enough like it, but he's not. And I don't think Mr. van Statten would've had him cut open while he was alive. He might want to, but I doubt he would."
Rose shook her head as she dropped her hand and backed away from him. He was talking about torturing another being as though it was normal and acceptable. It was just like back in that room with the uncatalogued items. When he had tapped into the feed and they had looked down on the Dalek as it was being tortured, Rose thought as her anger grew, he hadn't been bothered by it. A living creature was being tortured and he hadn't cared one bit. Adam called out to her when she backed away from him further, the girl he was just getting to know disappearing from his room. He moved to follow her, only for the door to close on its own and refuse to open. He was stuck inside the small bedroom and still had no idea why she was upset.
Rose looked back at the closed door behind her when she heard Adam call after her again, his hand beating on the door as she moved down the hall. Her lips folded in over her teeth as she lifted a hand to cover her mouth. She needed to find The Doctor. She needed to see him and talk to him and know that he was ok. What had been done to him while they'd been apart? He hadn't acted as though anything was different, but that didn't mean he'd been treated well either. She looked ahead of her, frowning at the light blinking on and off ahead of her and turned into the open kitchen.
"Just keep him in there, yeah?" Rose asked of the TARDIS when she felt the slight nudge at the back of her mind. "I just really can't be around him right now."
She felt the air grow warm around her, surrounding her before dissipating and knew then that it was the TARDIS' way of giving her comfort. The ship couldn't talk to her like she could The Doctor, but still the TARDIS found a way to communicate with her. She offered a fleeting smile in response and moved to the stove. Taking the kettle to the sink and filling it with water; she returned it to the stove and watched as the flame lit on its own beneath it. Her actions were slowed, discordant as she moved without thought and tried to settle her mind before searching out The Doctor.
She needed to know that he was alright, but knew that she couldn't ask the question burning in her mind. Who could ask such a thing of someone else? How could she look at him and ask if he had been tortured? Her hand lifted to her mouth as she remembered the screams from the Dalek, her mind turning the electronic alien voice into another – into his. She fought back the tears in her eyes, refusing to cry even as she felt her throat constrict with the emotions she couldn't hide. It hurt her in a way that she couldn't quite define to know that there was not just a possibility, but an almost certainty that The Doctor had been tortured.
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"What's wrong, Old Girl?" he asked the TARDIS, his hand brushing lovingly over the center of the console when he felt her displeasure.
'Rose,' his ship answered simply.
"Mad at her, are you?" he asked only to wince at the telepathic smack the TARDIS answered him with. "Oi! What was that for?"
'Rose,' the TARDIS repeated, and The Doctor shook his head as he sighed.
"Fancy a cuppa?" Rose asked from behind him and he looked back over his shoulder.
"You changed," he said without moving from the console, his attention turning back to the controls as Rose walked in holding a mug in each hand. "Your boyfriend all settled then?" he asked her and looked back when she failed to answer him.
"TARDIS gave him a room," she said as she stepped up to the console and handed him a mug. "Well, more like a cupboard with a bed." She looked down into her tea as she fought back the darkness of her worries and offered him a smile as she moved to the jump seat. "So, where are we off to then?"
"Don't know," he told her and looked back at the empty hall.
"He won't be joining us," Rose said dismissively when she caught the direction of The Doctor's gaze. "Big day, lot to take in."
She watched as his expression softened then, his teasing smile returning at her assurance that it would just be the two of them. She met his smile with a genuine one of her own, though both their gazes held the darkness of the day they had experienced. The Doctor moved one lever and then another, spinning a control before moving another lever halfway. He turned to her then, his eyes searching hers out as he stepped around the console and held out his hand.
"Fancy a stargaze, Rose Tyler?" The Doctor asked, watching as Rose's smile widened, her soft hand slipping into his.
She let him lead her to the door of the TARDIS, no longer worried or afraid of having the wide expanse of space opened up to them. Smiling back at him when he took her mug from her hand, she sat down on the edge of the ramp, her legs dangling outside the TARDIS and reached up for their drinks. He handed the mugs to her easily before crouching down and sitting beside her. She looked down to hide her disappointment, handing him his tea before looking up at the universe outside the TARDIS.
This was her favorite part of the day, she thought as The Doctor wrapped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her close. When they would simply sit together in the open doorway of the TARDIS and look out at the stars. She listened to his soft chuckle when she tipped her head to rest on his shoulder as they looked out at the universe. His hand moved to her hair, his long fingers toying with her blonde strands absently as they sat together in silence.
The Doctor looked out among the stars, pointing at a binary system to the left as he offered its name and history to Rose. She breathed in deeply as she asked him about the sun the planets shared a system with. The color was both the familiar gold of her own sun, as well as a deep crimson that seemed to be pulsing around it. He laughed with the joy of her fascination, turning his head to kiss her brow before telling her that this sun had once been two, but they had swallowed each other to become one. She smiled up at him before sighing contentedly and resting her cheek against his chest.
She missed having him sit behind her, the warmth it brought her to have his legs framing hers, the feel of his twin hearts beating against her back. She would never tell him how very much she loved to lean back against him, to fall asleep in his arms and wake up tucked in her bed. Everything he did, even when he never said a word about it after, made her feel cared for and infinitely special. Rose smiled when The Doctor tipped his head to rest his cheek on her hair, relaxing against her as they watched the planets move in their orbits, neither one noticing the silent figure standing behind them at a distance.
This was something he needed to see, the TARDIS thought defiantly. Rose had only brought him on board as a distraction, a way to offer someone else the beauty that she had seen while also putting space between herself and The Doctor. She had looked into the girl's heart, seen how many times of late that Rose had imagined kissing The Doctor or him kissing her. The console seemed to be her favorite, always with her sitting up on the controls as he stood between her knees and ravished her mouth. But this boy thought that he could take Rose away, have her as his own and the TARDIS wouldn't let him entertain the thought a moment longer.
She had opened his bedroom door once Rose and The Doctor had sat down together on the edge of her ramp. Through gentle nudges and shifting hallways, she had led Adam out the depths and into the console room just so that he could see this. He would never come between Rose and her Time Lord; there wasn't anything that could do that. She knew the very second he understood, but as he turned, she felt the boy's defiance rise. One last desperate hope stayed in his mind, the belief that he could somehow make himself better and more impressive to Rose than The Doctor ever would be. But even as he turned away from them and walked back into the hallway, the TARDIS found that Adam still could not think of The Doctor beyond the word 'alien'. He wasn't a man or a person, just 'alien' and while there was no hatred behind the thought, she hated that he couldn't see beyond it.
"I thought I lost you," The Doctor told Rose, his voice little more than a shaking whisper.
"You'll never get rid of me," Rose said as she looked up to meet his gaze and watched him frown as he looked into her eyes. "What?"
"Oh, Rose," he said softly, mourning all that she had been through that day as he touched her cheek before tucking her hair behind her ear. "It could have gone so differently. I could've destroyed that Dalek."
"I couldn't let you do that and I never would," she promised him. "I knew what it was and what it did," she told him as his blue eyes darkened with conflicting emotions. "But I'd never let you do that to yourself. If you had done that today, you never would've forgiven yourself, no matter if it deserved it or not."
"Rose Tyler," he spoke her name slowly as he met her gaze.
"I won't ever let anyone hurt you," she said as she set her tea aside and hugged him close, nuzzling into the curve of his throat when he returned her embrace. "Not even you."
"You're gonna be my protector then?" he asked, teasing her softly.
"Somebody has to," she teased back as she pulled away and reached for her tea.
"Cold?" he asked when she shivered, chuckling when she shook her head in denial. "Come on then, let's get you back inside before you freeze."
"I'll just have to remember a blanket next time," she told him as he helped her stand from the floor.
"Rose?" He waited for her troubled gaze to meet his before lifting his hand to cup her cheek in his palm, his thumb brushing over her warm skin. "Are you alright? I know today was a bit worse than it's ever been."
"Never ordered something to die before," she told him as he took her mug and set it aside on the console next to his. "We saw it," she said as he wrapped her in his arms and held her close. "It was being tortured and he didn't care. He acted like it was normal."
"That Dalek killed so many people. It could've killed you and still you cared about it," he told her with reverence and disbelief.
"It was a living creature. It talked to me. It could see me," she told him as her hand moved beneath the fold of his jacket to grip his jumper. "It fed off my DNA. In a way, I gave it life."
"Mother of a Dalek?" he asked her with a chuckle, looking down to meet her gaze. "Creature couldn't ask for any better."
"S'pose not," she agreed, pulling away as she tried to hide a yawn.
"Big day for you, for both of us," he told her, gathering their mugs as he turned and led her down the hall inside the TARDIS. "We'll orbit here around the nebula for a while. Let us all get some rest," he said as he stepped into the kitchen.
"You finally tired then?" she asked him as she moved to take her mug from his hand before he could dump the tea. "No throwing out my chocolate tea," she teased him before taking a sip.
"You and your chocolate tea," he said with an exaggerated sigh as he rolled his eyes.
The Doctor looked up when the lights in the kitchen dimmed, frowning at the feel of the TARDIS as she pressed against his mind. She was concerned about both him and Rose, the feel of her emotions encouraging him to rest. He waited to see if she would speak, but she remained silent instead, his beautiful ship nudging him closer to the girl by his side. His lips turned up at one side when he found Rose to be asleep on her feet. The mug in her hands was empty though she still held it carefully as though afraid she would spill the liquid that was no longer there.
He was as tired as she was, dead on his feet and his mind already halfway in his bed. It had been a long time since he had last been forcibly scanned; the technology used having left him in pain. He wasn't certain if it had been van Statten's intention to make the scan painful or not, but the laser left his skin feeling sunburned and his muscles strained and aching. Looking over to Rose, he found that the discomfort left behind was soon forgotten as the sight and scent of his companion soothed him. He watched her rinse her mug before placing it down in the sink, smiling when she whispered her thanks to the TARDIS.
"Where's his room then?" The Doctor asked when he led Rose into the hall, seeing only the door to his room and the one leading to Rose's.
"I don't know," Rose shook her head, frowning in confusion as she looked around. "The TARDIS kept changing the halls. Not really sure where his room ended up. I think the pool was next to it though. What?" she asked when The Doctor laughed.
"Pool's on the other end of the ship," he told her with a wide smile. "TARDIS just seems to be having a bit of fun. Nothing to be concerned about. You don't seem bothered by it," he said, his statement ending on a note of curiosity.
Rose shook her head, pouting her lips before smiling up at him. She didn't offer an answer or an explanation. She had thought that it would be easier with Adam on board, less tense with someone else there to offer her a distraction, but it hadn't gone as she had planned. Being in close quarters with Adam hadn't changed the direction of her thoughts or redirected her desires. All she had been able to think about was The Doctor. No one will ever compare to him, she thought and stilled as she realized that it wasn't her hormones she had been trying to distract.
"Rose?"
She looked to her side to find him studying her, his brow furrowed in worry. Offering him a reassuring smile, she shook her head to deny whatever he may have been thinking. Rose knew that he didn't think he was handsome, but everything about him – his mind, his sense of fun and adventure, his eyes… Blimey, his eyes, she thought with a silent sigh. Every bit of it made him beautiful to her, special, and treasured. Why she had ever thought she could distract herself from him she would never know. She only wanted the distance there so that she wouldn't follow through on her fantasies of pushing him down into the jump seat and snogging him silly.
He didn't want her. She knew he didn't, not like that. She was human and he was alien. She was nineteen and he was over nine hundred. None of it mattered to her, not one bit, but she knew that it mattered to him. At least it seemed to. She lifted her hand to his face, touching his cheek as she looked into his cobalt eyes. She could never know all of what happened with him. She knew better than anyone that some stories couldn't be told, some experiences simply too painful to put into words. The Time War had broken him; she could see it in his eyes when he talked about it. She couldn't make the past hurt any less, but maybe, just maybe, she could give him a brighter future.
"Best be off then," Rose said a moment later as she let her hand fall from his face. "New worlds to explore."
"Right, yeah," he nodded, and gave her that same evasive smile she had seen him use a thousand times. "We all need a bit of shut eye."
"Doctor, I'm here," Rose said as she stood in the open door of her bedroom. "If you need me, I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere."
He smiled at her then, a breath of amusement coming from him as he stared at her. She met his smile with one of her own, nodding when he offered her a soft spoken goodnight, and closed the door of her room. He looked down for a moment before turning his head back up and staring at her door with a curious frown. She had closed her door, but not completely. There was about an inch gap between her door and the frame, just enough room to offer him one last quiet message. I'm here if you need me.
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The sky above him was burning, ribbons of fire moving through the air as ash fell to the ground around him. He could still hear the screaming in his mind. The cries of fear and desperation were echoing through his memory like some kind of macabre opera. His head tipped back, his eyes widening as he watched one beautiful TARDIS fall from the sky, its hull torn apart in too many places for it to ever survive. There was no hope, no chance of a brighter future for his people. This war was ripping them apart; his world lay half charred and broken.
"Exterminate!"
His attention snapped to his left, thousands of Daleks flying through the sky as they destroyed buildings and killed people by the hundreds. This war had raged for so long – too long and there was only one thing left that could be done. He knew what was needed, knew what he had to do, but the very thought of it made him feel as though he was dying. To destroy the Daleks, he had to destroy his own race, his people. He looked to his right at the sound of someone running, his eyes growing wide to see Rose racing toward him. He reached out his hand to her as he saw the Dalek chasing after her and ran toward her in the hopes of saving her, but the Dalek was faster.
The Doctor cried out as he woke, sweat beaded on his brow as he panted and fought to catch his breath. Her name fell from his trembling lips, his blue eyes wide and frightened. He struggled with the blankets that were tangled around his legs, tripping over them as he stumbled from the bed and made his way to his washroom. The TARDIS turned the water on for him as he came to stand in front of the sink, her concern for him evident in the way that she tried to soothe him through their connection. He filled his hands with water, splashing it over his face, though the action did nothing to wake him, or make him forget the dream.
Gripping the edges of the sink for purchase, The Doctor forced himself to stand upright and move away from the bathroom. He was still achingly tired, his body nearly crippled under the force of his exhaustion. He looked at his bed, unable to bear the thought of lying back down. Moving to the door of his bedroom and gripping the handle, he pulled it open only to still and fall silent. She had known what he needed as she always had, his beautiful TARDIS having shifted the rooms so that when he opened his door, he was walking into Rose's room instead of the hall. He watched as she shifted in her bed, listening as she released a heavy sigh.
"Doctor?" Rose called out to him softly, her vision sleep blurred as she stared at him standing in her doorway.
"I didn't mean to wake you," he said hesitantly, the memory of the dream and the ghosts from the war weighing him down. "I'll just…"
"Come to bed," she told him, holding her hand out for him to take as she waited for him. "Come on then," she encouraged when he seemed uncertain.
He moved slowly to her, taking her hand and letting her pull him down into the bed next to her. He hadn't thought of putting on a shirt before he had left his room, but now he worried about what she would think. Rose sat up as she lifted the blankets, her soft voice encouraging him once more to lie down with her. She didn't care how he was dressed or that he wasn't his usual confident self. He needed her and he came to her. That was all that mattered to her.
Rose smiled at him tiredly when he moved to lie on top of the blankets, shaking her head without saying a word as she held them up for him to climb under. She opened her arms to him as he slid into the bed next to her, smiling softly at the feel of him wrapping around her. Of all the things his mind could've noticed, The Doctor found himself distracted by the knowledge that she wasn't wearing a bra. He tried to force the thought away, to think of something else. Rose didn't say anything as she held him to her, the fingers of one hand gently tracing over his cheek and through the short hair at his temple as she held his head to her chest.
She was warm, The Doctor thought as he held Rose. Her heartbeat sounded under his ear, a perfect soothing rhythm that beckoned him closer to sleep with the promise of good dreams. Her body moved beneath him, lifting and falling slowly with each in drawn breath and he felt broken by how safe she made him feel. His anchor in the storm, one tiny fragile little human and she could make the ghosts of his past fall silent and still. Her thumb brushed over the curve of his cheek, catching the moisture on his skin as a lone silent tear fell unbidden.
"It wasn't a particularly bright day," Rose said softly, her voice smooth and gentle. "The clouds were thick above us and the water always seemed to be shifting. Mum was afraid it was going to storm, but I wasn't afraid of anything." She felt his head move as he looked up at her and looked down to meet his eyes with a tired smile. "We took Mickey with us. I don't think I told you that before. God, he was scared of everything."
"But not you," he said softly as he watched her face light up, her smile widening even further.
"Nope. I wasn't scared of a thing. I wanted to see the whales. Scared Mum half to death when I tried to climb through the railing for a closer look." She laughed then as she resumed her gentle petting of his face and hair. "The whales came up just as the rain started, just a light little rain. Mum wanted to drag me back under some kind of cover, but I wouldn't let her. And then they sang… She couldn't have pried me away from the railing with a crowbar," Rose said, chuckling and smiling when she heard The Doctor laugh. "The Time Rift reminds me of them. The sound, the feeling. Like I'd never want to leave."
She began to describe the Time Rift to him the way that she saw it, the colors and ribbons of energy twisting and turning as they wrapped around one another. She told him how it had sounded to her, how beautiful and alien it was. Her voice grew softer the longer she spoke, her breath falling from her in contented sighs every now and again when she paused. He listened as she spoke, taking comfort from the sound of her voice. Her body was warm and pliant in his arms, his head lying on her chest. Their legs had long since tangled together beneath the sheets, the closeness offering him something he wanted, but couldn't name. He could feel the heaviness of sleep pulling him closer toward his dreams as Rose's voice gave him the comfort he needed.
"My Doctor," Rose whispered when she felt his weight grow heavy against her, his breaths even and deep as he slept in her arms. "I shall always be here for you."
Tipping her head up from where it rested on the pillow, Rose pressed a kiss to his brow. Breathing in deeply as she relaxed back on the pillow, she pulled the blankets up over his shoulders and closed her eyes as sleep claim to claim her. The TARDIS watched over the pair as they slept, the feel of them together bringing her peace. Her Doctor's troubled heart for once was still and happy as it beat in perfect harmony with Rose's. She had watched over him for so long now, so many years together. She had seen him suffer nightmare after torturous nightmare with no relief in sight, but now as he lay wrapped in the arms of one girl, his spirit was peaceful.
The one girl, the one companion her Time Lord had brought home who knew nothing about time and space dimensions understood more than all of the others put together. I love him, she heard Rose's heart whisper and smiled as she heard The Doctor's twin hearts whisper their love for Rose in return. She balanced him, kept him steady and brought him strength when he was ready to give up. The Doctor gave Rose so much more, healing the breaks that she could feel inside the girl's heart. They had been born for each other and the TARDIS knew that they hadn't meant by chance. The Doctor and Rose, their story had been told by seers and prophets long before either were born and would be told long after both were laid to rest. They hadn't been written in the stars, the TARDIS thought, they had been written on the stars for all to see.