Finding His Reason
Chapter Eight - Father's Day
She looked up at the sky above them, blinking against the brightness of the suns before tipping her head down to look at the ground beneath her feet. Looking to her side when The Doctor spoke, she nodded at his assurances that he would be back in a few hours. She didn't say anything to him, his lips pursing in worry as he watched her walk away. She had been quiet for nearly a week, ever since the planet with the dead child. He knew that the experience would change her in some manner, there was no way that it couldn't, but he hadn't expected her silence.
"Rose," he called to her and waited for her to turn back to him, her chocolate eyes regarding him curiously, even as they remained haunted underneath. "You know I'd take you with me, but..."
"I know," she interrupted him with a nod. "I'm just," she motioned to the shops. "I'm going to have a look around."
"Going to keep him with you then?" he asked, nodding to her sentient flower she held wrapped in her arms.
"This is where I got him," Rose said as she looked down at her flower, finding comfort in keeping him close. "It's not like anyone's gonna say anything."
"You have the TARDIS key?" he asked and waited for her nod. "I don't know how long I'll be." He wasn't used to this, needing to comfort her in this manner, but her silence worried him more than her crying ever had.
"I'll be fine," she assured him quietly.
He nodded to her then, waiting for her to turn toward the shops before he turned away. She had liked this planet the first time they had come, and he had hoped that it would provide her some kind of balance now. It was the most she had spoken to him in days, the sound of her voice was a welcomed balm to his worried hearts. The wind stirred up, a warm breeze moving across the area to gently lift Rose's hair and she turned back to watch The Doctor disappear through the winding path of the outdoor market. She blinked quickly, taking in a series of deep breaths through her nose as she fought back the tears stinging behind her eyes.
She didn't want to cry again, not there in front of everyone. It felt to her that she had spent years crying. How was it possible that it had only been nine days since they had left the planet and the child behind? She could still feel the fear and the sadness, the desperation of being hunted and the pain as well as the disturbing comfort of dying. Every moment that she had spent with the little girl was burned into her mind, fused into every cell of her being until she didn't know where she ended and the girl began. Pulling in a deep breath as she lifted her hand to her face, Rose steeled herself against her emotions as she forced the memories back.
There was a moment of silence around her as she pushed her sapphire hair back over shoulder and stared down at the blanket she was folding. It wasn't often that a telepath found her mind silent, absent of all the voices they were used to hearing in their minds. More often than not, the silence was frightening, but now it almost seemed as though the silence was pulling her toward something. Her crimson eyes widened as she felt the familiar presence of a mind she had felt only once before, a mind that was powerful and welcoming. Her brows furrowed as she took in a trembling breath, her eyes closing as she allowed the memory to play through her mind.
"Oh, Rose," she spoke softly, mourning the pain she knew her friend was in.
Setting the blanket down on the shelf, she turned and walked out of the small shop her family owned. It didn't take her long to find the girl with blonde hair and pink skin, her friend standing out among a race that had sapphire hair and snow white skin. Stepping into the marketplace, she called out to her friend and watched as she turned around slowly. Her lips bent slowly into a smile, her crimson eyes looking down at the sentient flower in Rose's arms before turning to meet the girl's brown eyes.
"It's been a long time, Rose," she greeted her friend as the girl stepped closer to her.
"Reyniah," Rose greeted as she offered her a smile. "Time passes so differently for me, and The Doctor. How long has it been since we were last here?"
"For me," she said with a smile, "almost five years. How long has it been for you?"
"It's only been three months for me," Rose told her, frowning in confused wonder as she shook her head and followed Reyniah into the shop.
"Then mother's forefather was right," Reyniah said. "Your companion is from Gallifrey. He is a Time Lord."
"The last of the Time Lords," Rose confirmed with a nod. "Sometimes, I forget that he isn't like me. I can't imagine what it's like to be that alone."
"He has you," Reyniah reminded her, watching the slow progression as Rose's mood fell. "I can see her, when you think about her. It's different for you. You're not a telepath, you were never taught how to separate yourself from another's thoughts. For a telepath they would have been viewing her memories, but for you, you lived them."
Rose nodded quietly, understanding the indirect offer she had been given. "Sometimes, it hurts...so much that I can't stand it. There are times when it feels like her memories are mine, like I was the one who died. And then there are other times when it feels like I was watching her die instead, as though she were my daughter."
Reyniah stepped closer to Rose, embracing her as she comforted her friend. "Have you shared her memory with your Doctor?" she asked Rose softly.
"I've told him about it," Rose said as she pulled back from their embrace, her flower reaching up between them as it turned its bulb toward her.
"No." She shook her head. "Rose, have you shared the memory with him? He is a telepath."
"I don't know what you mean," Rose said as she brought her hand up to cradle the bulb of her flower, her fingers rubbing gently over the thickness where the stalk met the bulb of the flower.
"You should ask him," she told her. "It's different across the species. Not all telepaths communicate in the same way. Just ask him if you can share it with him," she advised before chuckling and shaking her head. "Is your flower always like that?"
"Like what?" Rose asked and turned her head down to look at her flower, her lips bending gently into a maternal smile. "Blue's been..."
"Your child," Reyniah nodded. "I can see how you think of him in your memories, in your thoughts."
Rose nodded as she laughed softly, shaking her head in amusement. She had never admitted to herself how she thought of Blue, but when confronted with the truth of it, she had to agree. Turning to look around the shop, Rose asked her friend if she had any more of the chocolates she had purchased the last time and watched as the woman smiled. She told her that the dark ones were her favorite, never noticing that the way her friend spoke the name of the morsels wasn't the "Belgiums" she thought her to be saying. Reyniah led Rose to the same chair she had before, braiding the oils and blessings into her hair, as she asked Rose to share with her a memory in return.
"You choose the memory," Reyniah told her.
Closing her eyes as she thought about what she might share in trade, Rose felt a moment of clarity. Her eyes remained closed as she focused on the memory of the first time The Doctor had taken her into space and showed her the planets of her own solar system. The way the earth had looked beneath them, the way he had spun the TARDIS to show her Jupiter and Saturn and Neptune. She thought of how she had felt, the beauty of the moment and the certainty that she was where she was meant to be. She could still feel the warmth of The Doctor's arms wrapped around her waist, the electric surge inside of her at his touch as though he had been what she had been searching her whole life for.
Reyniah remained silent as she tied the last braid in Rose's hair. The memory was more than she could have asked for, beautiful beyond the imagining of it. She thanked Rose quietly as she placed the boxes of morsels into a cloth bag, two boxes of the white and three of the dark. Rose was progressing as expected, eating more of the dark morsels each day, and she smiled as she knew that it would one day bring her everything her heart desired and more.
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His steps were slow as he crossed through the empty marketplace and made his way back to the TARDIS. The darkness around him was broken by patches of light cast down from the planet's six moons. He hadn't expected to be gone as long as he had been, the two hours he had estimated turning into six only to turn into ten. His movements slowed as he walked past the wide entrance of the marketplace, the sight of the TARDIS brought him peace even as he felt his ship's disapproval. Shaking his head as he tucked the part under his arm as he reached into his pocket for the key.
"Old Girl, don't be like that," The Doctor said when his key refused to turn in the lock. "Let me in."
He felt her concern and anger at him, his brows drawing together in confusion when the lock finally turned and he was allowed entrance to the TARDIS. The sounds of his boot steps on the ramp seemed to echo in his ears, the console room empty. He knew that it was late, but part of him had still expected to see Rose waiting for him in the jump seat with a smile on her face and a steaming mug of tea in her hands. He bowed his head for a moment, a heavy sigh passing through his parted lips as his concern grew.
Rose hadn't truly smiled in days. Ever since that planet and that child, she hadn't been at peace. Holding the part he had gathered from the junkyard, he looked between the empty hall and the grated floor as he deliberated. It took him a few moments to set down the part on the jump seat and walk toward the hall. He looked in the kitchen first before moving to Rose's bedroom, but she wasn't in either place. He looked in the library next before hearing the TARDIS' whisper in his mind as she called him a fool. The door to his bedroom opened on its own, and he sighed as he looked up at his ship.
"Does she know she's in my room?" he asked the TARDIS before stepping inside.
"Idiot," the TARDIS responded.
He moved closer to the bed, a frown darkening his brow as he looked down at Rose. There were traces on her cheeks, tracks left in the makeup she had yet to remove that told of her tears. Sitting down next to her on his bed, he reached out and brushed her hair over shoulder. His fingers smoothed over her cheek, feeling her warmth as she slept with her flower wrapped in her arms. Bending down over her, The Doctor pressed a kiss to her temple, pulling back when he felt her stir. She moved slowly, her eyes fluttering open as she brought her hand up to clumsily rub her cheek.
"Doctor?" rose mumbled his name.
"I didn't mean to be gone so long," he apologized softly, the backs of his fingers stroking down over her cheek.
She moved slowly, half sitting up and finding a bit of amusement when The Doctor moved closer to tuck the pillows behind her back. Blue was still held in her lap, the flower shifting as it curled against Rose's stomach. He waited for her to speak, watching as her emotions played on her face. He could see it in her eyes, there was something she wanted to say or ask, but she was keeping silent as though she lacked the words. He leaned closer when she did, wrapping her in his arms as she embraced him, holding her close when he felt her tremble.
"Reyniah said something," Rose said as she pulled away, sniffling back the tears that threatened to fall.
"Reyniah?" he asked, and watched her nod.
"The shop girl I met the first time we were here," she reminded him. "She said...she said that I can share the memory with you, but I don't understand how. She said you would know."
He sighed, his lips pressed together, and leaned closer to kiss her brow. Taking her hand as he gave her a sad smile, he explained to her that all telepathic species had a different manner of sharing memories. He told her what it meant, what it could feel like for him to be inside her mind. There was a moment that he expected her to decline, but she didn't. Her eyes turned up to him, milk chocolate meeting cobalt, and he could see the trust she put in him shining in her gaze. It wasn't enough to talk about it, she told him. It felt as though it was too much to put into words and she asked him to see it, to share it with her as only he could.
"Relax," he told her quietly as he brought his hands to her face, the index and middle fingers of each hand pressed gently against her temples. "Close your eyes, Rose."
There was always a barrier in one's mind, always a shield that he had to pass through in order to enter their thoughts, but not with Rose. He knew that she had to have a mental shield, everyone did regardless of their telepathic abilities, but he felt her mind embrace him. She welcomed him in with open arms, her mind embracing him as much as her arms always had. His thumbs brushed over the curves of her cheeks as he found the memory the spirit of the child had shared with her and viewed it through Rose's eyes, experiencing it as she had.
The memory wasn't something she could separate herself from, the story of her child playing through her heart and mind. He could see that she had felt everything the child had, the memory playing back to her until she was both child and mother. His hand relaxed against her face as he left her mind, pressing a kiss to her forehead as he pulled back. The tears on her face broke his heart, his arms wrapping around her as he pulled her close. She curled against him, her hand fisting in his shirt as he moved her into his lap and sat with his back against the headboard.
He held her close as he stroked her hair, and offered to take the memory from her. She was adamant in her refusal, making him promise her that he would never take it from her. It didn't matter how much it hurt, or how it haunted her, she couldn't bear the thought of having the memory taken away. He shook his head as he whispered a few words in Gallifreyan, looking down at her when she tipped her face up to meet his gaze. She was brave and beautiful and foolish, everything that he was and more. He touched her cheek as he felt her grow tired.
Looking to the side when he heard a soft thump, he frowned in question at the book the TARDIS had offered him. Reaching for the book, he lifted it and looked down when Rose brought her hand up to trace the geometric words printed on the front. She didn't know what it was, but it was part of him. There were times that it seemed to her as though he tried to act as though his world didn't exist, as though he had never been from another planet, but had been born and lived his life inside the TARDIS instead. She couldn't imagine how alone he felt to be the last of his people, to be the only one left who remembered his planet, but she couldn't let him forget it either.
The Doctor glanced down at Rose's soft request, his eyes crinkling at the corners with a smile that barely touched his lips. Reaching down for the blankets around them, he brought them up to cover Rose, an amused breath rolling from him when she made certain the blankets covered him as well. He opened the book as he held it in front of them for her to see, his eyes watching as her finger traced over one of the words. There was a moment before he began to read that he turned his attention toward the TARDIS, and asked his ship why she had brought this book to him.
"Tell me, truthfully, that you don't love her," the TARDIS answered him, her voice at once that of a mother and a best friend.
The Doctor remained silent, unable to deny the truth and unwilling to lie to his ship. He read to Rose, the Gallifreyan poems bringing her peace even as he knew that the language wouldn't be translated for her to understand. She relaxed against him the more he read, his voice growing softer as he felt her falling asleep. He turned the page while he looked down, and found her dark lashes dusting her cheeks as she slept in his arms. Closing the book, he set it aside on the bed and wrapped his arms around Rose as he held her close while she slept.
He had chosen this planet and the last one they had been to as well. It was her time to choose now, and he would give her anything she wanted. He held her for hours while she slept in his arms, her flower tucked under the blanket and curled against her stomach. Reaching down to the blanket, he gently eased it from around Rose's shoulders until he was able to uncover the bulb of the flower. He smiled in amusement as the thick softball-sized bulb opened, the flower blooming wide before resting against Rose once more. For so long he had felt nothing but pain and anger, the loss of losing his people and planet, but it was different now. Each day he felt his broken hearts healing. Each day he felt his hope growing stronger.
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She had woken in his bed again, though not in his arms. The Doctor was gone from the room, and Rose couldn't help herself as she stretched beneath the blankets while she buried her nose in his pillow. She loved the smell of him, not that she would ever admit to it out loud. To do so would mean admitting that he meant more to her than a friend, so much more, and she knew that he wasn't ready for anything like that. He may never be, she thought as she moved from the bed and set her flower on his night table, not in her lifetime anyway. Straightening the blankets as she made the bed, Rose let her hand drift over the corner at the end of the bed, her eyes staring down at it with sadness and longing.
He needed to not be alone, she knew that with the same certainty that she knew she had always loved him. But there were moments that she thought he needed more than her, more than she could ever give him. Opening the door, she stepped into the hall and made her way to the kitchen, smiling when she found a cup of tea already waiting for her. Lifting the mug to her lips, she closed her eyes and breathed in deeply, laughing when she discovered it to be her chocolate tea. For all his moaning against it and he had made it for her without her asking him to.
It seemed odd to her that the mug was only half full, but she wasn't one to look a gift horse in the mouth. Taking the mug with her to her bedroom, she never saw The Doctor step into the kitchen or the confused look on his face when he searched for his missing mug. He would never tell her that he had made a cup for himself out of curiosity. He would never hear the end of it if he did. She had always told him that it tasted like drinking chocolate to her, but to him it tasted very much like black tea mixed with brandy. He had only finished half the mug, leaving it behind to wake Rose only to find her gone from his room and the mug missing when he had returned to the kitchen in search of her.
Believing the TARDIS had cleaned up after him, The Doctor never once thought that Rose had taken it instead. Pouting in a moment of confusion, he turned his eyes up to his ship and wondered why she was suddenly so amused, but she never responded to his question. His cup of tea, the TARDIS thought with a moment of wonder and delight. His DNA left inside from drinking it would be mixed with Rose's when she finished it. He was too stubborn, the TARDIS thought, but she could see all of time and all of space. This was meant to happen, and she would help it along in whatever way she could.
She watched over The Doctor as he left the kitchen and entered the console room. He had finished installing the new part for her a few hours before, but he always seemed to find something new to tinker with. She loved the way that he cared for her, always striving to help her work better than she had the day before. There was nothing left for him to do now, he thought, except wait for Rose to come and tell him where she wanted to go. Reaching into his pocket, The Doctor retrieved a ball, his hands wrapping around it as he turned the studded toy in his grip.
He looked up at the sound of Rose's footsteps growing closer from the hall behind him, remaining in the jump seat as he waited for her. Studying her face when she came around to stand in front of him, he watched her quietly, waiting for her to speak. The way her brow was furrowed and the set of her mouth told him that she been thinking of something she wasn't certain she wanted to talk about. There was something she wanted that she couldn't put into words and this wasn't the first time he had seen that expression on her face. It had been growing more familiar to him, always appearing after a time when they were around children, regardless of the species.
Her voice was soft when she spoke, her eyes looking at her hands, or the TARDIS, but unable to meet his gaze. She told him about her father and the stories her mother told him. She told him how he had died, all the while remaining somehow detached in her voice, and he knew that she hid her eyes because they held the truth of her emotions. How many times had she told him about other things that hurt her, her voice remaining steady while never meeting his eyes? It was her way of trying to be alright when she truly wasn't. She asked him if they could see him, if she could meet him and be there for him. He couldn't refuse her, but neither could he deny his worry about what it might do to her.
His hands moved over the controls as she talked, the emotion she had been trying to hide from him there in her voice. The only thing she had ever known about her father was what her mother had told her, but it wasn't nearly enough for her. Jackie had never answered many of her questions about her father and only seemed to want to talk about him one day a year - her father's birthday. The stories were always the same. She was told of the day he died and the day her parents had met, but nothing more.
It was there in her eyes when they sat in on her parents' wedding, the ceremony small and lacking in fanfare. Each time she had looked at her father, The Doctor could see in Rose's eyes that she felt somehow lost in his presence. It wasn't enough to see the man, or to hear his voice. She wanted more, but the thing that she had asked him for was the very thing he feared would break her. She wanted to be there for him when he died. She wanted to be the person to hold his hand so that he wouldn't die alone, but in order to that, she would have to bear witness to the accident that took his life. Could Rose really handle that? Could she stand by and watch her father die and not have it tear her apart inside, he wondered.
She had led them to the street her father had died on, each step growing slower until they came to a stop in front of a flyer-plastered building. He could feel the air around her begin to vibrate when she started to tremble beside him. He reached down for her hand, wrapping his long fingers around her smaller hand as she returned the hold. Her grip was tight, the sound of her breaths heard only to him and he knew that she was fighting not to cry. He looked at Rose from the corner of his eye when the green car came around the corner and parked, her father stepping out into the street. Her grip tightened on his hand, his worry for her growing when the other car pulled around the corner going too fast, and the driver not paying near enough attention to what was happening in front of him.
He pursed his lips as he watched the events unfold, his twin hearts heavy as he felt Rose hide her face behind his shoulder. He could already smell the salt of her tears, the feeling of her trembling growing stronger. His voice was soft when he told her to go to him, that this was her chance. There was some part of him that wasn't surprised when he felt her release his hand, somehow knowing that she would run away from her father instead of toward him. He followed after her, standing next to her without touching her. He knew what she needed from him without her having to say it, his senses attuned to her on a nearly unconscious level.
There was a moment when he the air around them both stilled, as though time itself had abandoned them under the request Rose made of him. He wasn't sure if he could tell her no, but there was a part of him that was yelling at him to deny her. Two sets of them in the same place at the same time would make it a vulnerable point even if nothing else was changed, but her emotional state made him worry about what might happen. The tears in her eyes stopped him, silenced the logical part of his brain under the sight of her pain. He granted her request with caution, but he had never prepared himself for the moment that she ran out to save her father from his death.
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There were so many things she thought about in that moment that she truly didn't know what to think. She had never planned for this, regardless of what The Doctor thought of her, there had been no ulterior motive. She hadn't planned to stop her father from being hit by the car, but it had happened all the same, and in the moment that she had pulled him out of the way she was both confused and victorious. There hadn't been a driving thought or a plan to save him, Rose thought as she looked around at the people gathered inside the church with them. She had no memory of moving until the deed was done and now she had condemned everyone to death.
She turned around to look at The Doctor, finding him talking with the couple that was to be wed and knowing that he had every right to be as furious with her as she knew he was. He was well practiced at covering his emotions, she thought, but when their eyes met across the church, she could see the fire in his gaze. She had betrayed his trust, she thought as she turned to look at her father and felt all the more lost for having him there. He was alive now. He was her father, the only one she would ever have and as much as she wanted to go up to him and tell him who she was, she feared it would only make everything that much worse.
The TARDIS was gone. That was what The Doctor had said as they had run into the church. Rose turned and looked back at the heavy wooden doors before turning her eyes on The Doctor only to glance away when he turned his gaze to her. She had betrayed him, killed the TARDIS, destroyed the world, and brought these monsters through to kill everyone. How many times had he told her that certain events couldn't be changed? She had stood with him, fought by his side to help him, to defend him and now?
Rose met The Doctor's gaze as he explained to the people around them what was happening. The question sounding from her in the same moment that she thought it and the look in his eyes was the only answer she would ever need. She had done this. Before it had only been a thought, but now it felt like damnation. She had broken time, and she had condemned every single person to death or nonexistence or whatever the creatures outside were doing. She walked away from the people gathered there, slipping into a back room as she tried to find her balance once more.
Rose shook her head as she looked at the table next to her. Her brows pulled together in a deep frown as she finally allowed the tears stinging behind her eyes freedom. It hurt to be there, she thought. Her head hurt, her thoughts constantly spinning as she tried to understand how it all had happened. She closed her eyes as her mind played over everything that had happened from the moment she and The Doctor had landed for a second time on the day her father died. She had done all of this and she knew that she had, but it still felt as though she had been split into two people.
She knew that she had saved her father. There was no way for her to deny it even if she wanted to, but there was a part of her that still could see a different outcome. She could still see herself running out to her father and holding his hand as he laid dying in the street. Her breath pulled in sharply as she jumped, the sound of the creatures outside the church shrieking and clawing at the bricks, reminding her of where she was. There was no point in her musing, was there? The world was ending, truly ending, and there was nothing that The Doctor could do to fix it.
The sounds of the footsteps outside the open doorway caught her attention. Part of her had expected to find The Doctor standing outside the room, but the sight of her father standing there instead made her feel unbalanced. She had thought she would feel relieved or happy the moment that he knew who she was, but when that moment came upon her all she felt was pain. The feel of his hand on her face made her remember every moment that she had sat up at night as a child wondering what he had been like and imagining who he would be. Every moment that she had cried herself to sleep when she was younger, or in the shower when she was older, came back to her in a tidal wave of emotion.
Her heart broke at the embrace, part of her needing all of the years she had spent without him to be rewritten with him in them, but she knew that could never be. She had destroyed the world just to hear his voice speak her name, and now everyone was having to pay the price for her selfishness. Tears flooded her eyes as he held her, her voice trembling as she cried out to him. Jackie still didn't know who she was and moments later she found it almost amusing how cross the woman was with her. It wasn't much longer before she returned to The Doctor, finding it somehow befitting that he was sitting with her, or rather her infant self.
There was a moment when she looked at them both and wondered how different her life could have been. Would she still have been as rebellious and angry as she had been throughout most of her life? Her lips parted as she took in a deep breath and moved to stand next to The Doctor, joking about having imprinted herself on Mickey. She reached out to touch the baby, the argument between The Doctor and herself resurfacing in seconds and burning bright before he calmed and apologized to her. He had every right to be cross with her, but still he forgave her and part of her felt as though she would be broken were she ever to lose him.
There were moments that she had dreamed of, moments that she never imagined she could ever have, but now she was given the chance. Her father walked down the aisle toward her, waiting until he had sat in the chair next to her before he spoke. She hadn't answered him before when he had asked her how she looked in the future and part of him had grown suspicious. He had stood next to the bloke she was with and seen the same thing out of the window that he had. The car that had almost killed him earlier that day in the street and then nearly collided with his car outside of the church was here.
He listened as she spoke, his spirit falling as he realized what she was telling him. His daughter wasn't describing him, but rather who she had imagined he would be. She was telling him of her fantasy father, and in doing so, she was telling him what he needed to know. She had never known him. That same car had nearly hit him twice, and twice he had been saved by Rose. Her insistence that their arrival in this time and place had been pure luck was a lie. He knew in that moment that he had never watched her grow up, he had never known her beyond this day because this day was supposed to have been his last.
It was bare moments, not much longer than the blink of an eye when the next horror came to pass. Her father had been the one to place her infant self in her arms and The Doctor had been the one to snatch the baby away and give her back to her mother. It was an instant, not much more than a few seconds, but it was enough time to allow a creature inside. He had known what they were after, yelling for those gathered within to get behind him, but in offering himself to the creature he had sacrificed his life. It had never been clearer than in the moment that he was taken and the TARDIS thrown back into the time wound, that throughout all of this there was only one person to be held accountable.
"It's my fault," Rose said breathlessly as she stood holding the cold key in her hand. "Him, you, all of you. It's my fault."
She pulled away from her father at his first attempt to comfort her, unable to understand why anyone would want to given the circumstance, but he embraced her again and held her tightly. The only thing that she could focus on, the only thing she could think of, was the fight they had in parents' flat. She had yelled at him, blamed him, and all of that to cause this. All of her selfishness had led to the moment that she had caused his death. There had been no one else, there never could be anyone else. It was then, as she sat staring at nothing, that she recalled her darkest moment.
She looked down at her hands, her eyes examining her wrists as her mind drifted back to words spoken in anger and a life lived in fear. Perhaps he had been right, or perhaps she should have tried harder. Looking up at the sound of footsteps approaching her, Rose met her father's gaze, her heart breaking once more under the knowledge that whatever happened and however time got sorted out, he would never remember her. She wondered if she would still remember him. Things were different for her, being a time traveler made them so, but it didn't make the possibility of forgetting him hurt any less.
She listened as he spoke to her, shaking her head as she wished to deny what he was saying. He couldn't do this, Rose thought. She couldn't lose him, not again. His assurance was somehow comforting to her, his knowledge and firm belief that The Doctor had protected him in order to protect her. She handed him the vase, knowing that he had to have it with him, as it had been with him the first time. Rose remained silent as her parents embraced her, her mother finally both seeing and believing that she was their daughter only grown up.
Every second burned through her, her voice silenced by the emotions that choked her. She didn't want to, didn't know why, but still followed after her father when he left the church. Her lips folded in over her teeth as she turned away from the view of the street, her eyes closing as she listened to the sound of tires screeching and the collision of the automobile with her father's body. A trembling breath was drawn in between her parted lips, her head turning at the feel of a hand on her shoulder. She met The Doctor's blue eyes, his gaze full of compassion and worry in the face of the pain he knew she was in.
"Go to him, quick," he told her, watching as she turned slowly before her almost jog turned into a run.
She couldn't feel the ground beneath her feet as she ran down the concrete path that led up to the church. She turned onto the sidewalk, running faster as her heart beat furiously against her ribcage. She fell to her knees by her father's side, unable to understand how he could be dying when to her eyes he simply looked to be falling asleep. There was internal damage, she knew there was, but somehow there didn't seem to be any external damage that she could see. She held his head, her heart surging with pain in the moment that she saw the confusion in his eyes. Time had righted itself and he no longer knew who she was.
Her lips parted as she pulled in a trembling breath, her eyes closing as she fought back her emotions. Standing slowly, Rose lifted her head and met The Doctor's eyes. She didn't say anything as she stepped away from her father's lifeless body, and walked up to The Doctor. Everything hurt. Her lungs and muscles burned, her heart and head ached, there was no part of her that did not feel the pain of all that had transpired that day. The emotion swirled inside of her until she was almost calm, her hands and face numb to the world around her. She could see the wind moving the trees around them, but she couldn't feel anything.
She didn't ask for her key back as they stepped up to the TARDIS. She didn't say anything at all as they stepped inside the time ship. The Doctor looked after Rose as she kept walking through the console room, her steps at a steady pace, but in a such a manner that made him think she wasn't aware of anything around her. He took in a deep breath slowly, releasing it as he turned his attention toward the controls. Despite what he believed Rose must think, he wasn't mad at her. In the moment that she had saved her father, he had been, but he wasn't anymore, and he hadn't been for quite some time.
He was worried about her. How could he not be? Reaching out for the controls as he took the TARDIS into space, he felt the continuous pressure as his ship prodded at him. He turned his eyes up to the ceiling, waiting for the TARDIS to speak to him, but she remained silent instead. Her attention left him as she moved to Rose, the girl walking through one hall and down another without seeming to know where she was going. She was far away from her room, the kitchen left behind her as well as she continued on.
The TARDIS opened a door near the end of the hall, moving the air around Rose as she encouraged her forward with the scent of lilacs. She could tell that Rose was operating on autopilot, the girl barely walking at a normal pace, each step slower than the last. Her eyes took in nothing of what was around her as she stepped down the hall and in through the open door. She didn't look up as she entered the room, never seeing the floor ripple as the TARDIS changed the hard metal into a softer mattress-like material.
The walls around her began to fade as they changed and became transparent. The darkness and emptiness of what had once been an empty cargo hold changed and filled with the light of passing stars and planets as the vast beauty of space was invited inside. Rose came to the center of the room before she stopped, falling limply to the floor as she stared at the universe without truly seeing it. Moments passed without her being aware of them. Time held no meaning under the power of the despair that held her heart captive. She gasped, jumping slightly at the hand that passed in front of her and slowly reached for the tea that was being handed to her.
The Doctor remained silent as he sat beside Rose, his arm encircling her shoulders as he pulled her close. Words held no meaning in this place. Nothing spoken could offer her comfort, or take away any of the guilt or pain she was feeling. All he could do was promise her that he would be there for her and he didn't need words to do that. Tipping his head to the side, he rested his cheek against her hair as they watched the universe pass before their eyes. It was long moments later that he set his mug aside and reached for hers when her hand grew slack. Perhaps sleep would offer her the peace her aching heart needed and he would remain with her if only to protect her from her dreams.