Finding His Reason

by WhisperingWolf

He grabbed her hand in his, a smile on his face as he told her to run, living mannequins chasing after them. Her life changed in that moment and so did his. Neither one ever imagined what would come next. Note: This story follows along with most of the episodes, but shows the bits in between. There are chapters with and without episode titles. No copyright infringement intended.

10. Chapter 9 - Good Enough

Finding His Reason

Chapter 9 - Good Enough

The leather of his jacket creaked as he crossed his arms over his chest, his lips pursed in worry as he stood at the entrance of the library. It was the third time in as many days that he had found her sitting in the chair with her legs pulled up on the cushion and her arms wrapped around her knees. She always sat in the same chair, her body turned sideways with her shoulder resting against the back. She had been quiet and subdued from the moment they returned to the TARDIS after the events of all that had happened with her father. He wanted to do something that would bring her back, give his Rose back to him, but everything he had thought of saying or doing was wrong.

She couldn't sleep. Three days had passed her by, perhaps even more than that. She couldn't tell how long it had been anymore. He hadn't taken her home, but he hadn't taken her to another world either. She couldn't remember falling asleep that first night. If she were honest with herself, she hadn't even remembered stepping back on board the TARDIS. There was a gap in her memory that seemed to have made everything hurt worse than she believed was possible. Some part of her wished for him to be angry, wished that The Doctor would simply take her home and leave her behind without looking back.

It would be simple, she told herself. All he would have to do is park the TARDIS at Powell Estate and chuck her out the doors. He could take off again the second she was standing on the concrete. Her right arm moved, unwrapping from around her knees and lifted up so that she could rub her fingertips against her forehead. Her mind was anything but silent, her thoughts spinning and echoing back to her all the words she had spoken to The Doctor in anger that day. She had told him that she had just wanted to be there for her father, to hold his hand so that he didn't have to die alone. She had done that alright, but first she had betrayed The Doctor's trust, nearly destroyed the world, and then killed him.

She needed to eat, The Doctor thought as he stood away from the door frame and walked further into the library. He had called her name twice now, and she hadn't heard him either time, part of him thought she was asleep until he saw her move. Stepping up to the chair she was curled up in, he reached out his hand to touch her shoulder and waited for her to respond. Moments passed by slowly, time seeming to be crawling around them at a snail's pace, and when she finally did look up at him, he no longer knew what to say.

Everything seemed far away, she thought. The sound of the clock ticking on the mantel above the fireplace barely registered at all to her. She couldn't even feel her own arms wrapped around her legs. The sensation of physical contact buried and hidden under the lead-weight of the emotions that were shredding her heart. There were moments when she believed she would cry, but her tears seemed to be trapped inside of her, the feel of them burning like acid beneath her flesh. Her bones ached, her lungs and heart constricted under the weight of it all, and just when she believed she would shatter apart, she became aware of the hand on her shoulder.

He shouldn't have left her alone, The Doctor thought as he met Rose's gaze. He had thought she just needed time to sort out everything that had happened and her own thoughts regarding the experience. He gave her the time to herself, but he could see now how wrong he had been to do so. Her chocolate eyes that usually shined with adventure and wonder looked almost dead to him as though her life had simply drained away. She didn't speak, or protest in any manner when he bent down and lifted her huddled form out of the chair and into the cradle of his arms.

There was a part of her that didn't understand why he was caring for her. After all that she had done, he shouldn't want to be nice to her. Closing her eyes, she leaned her temple against his shoulder and folded her lips in between her teeth as the first lone tear fell from her eye. She didn't know what to do, what to say, and the words 'I'm sorry' were so far from being enough that speaking them felt like a mockery. Her eyes opened when she felt The Doctor angle her down, standing her on her feet, her brows furrowed in confusion to find them inside his bedroom.

"Go on," The Doctor said softly as he held out a garment to her, nodding to the open door of the bathroom.

Her silence worried him. The way she had pulled inside herself and seemed to be hiding away disturbed him. He had always been able to feel Rose. The vibrance of her spirit reached out to wrap around him wherever they went, but now he could barely feel anything from her. He waited for her by the bed, watching as the door of the bathroom opened and Rose stepped out dressed in the dark jumper he'd given her. It was the one and only time he had voluntarily given her an article of his clothing to wear, different from the jumper the TARDIS had always given to Rose. The deep burgundy looked better on her than it did on him, the hem falling down to mid thigh.

He held his hand out to her, waiting for her to slip her palm into his. He was silent as he brought her closer, wrapping her in his arms and holding her close. She buried her face in his shoulder, lifting her arms to wrap them around his back as they held each other. He lifted his hand from her back, his palm stroking down over her hair as he held her and waited. The moments passed by slowly, the feel of her body relaxing in his arms comforted him, if only because he wished that she would finally sleep.

He moved slowly as he unwrapped his arms from around her, and turned to the bed as he reached out for the blankets that covered it. His voice was soft as he bid her to lie down, his eyes watched her with concern. She didn't reach out for him as he was used to having her do, and he couldn't silence the thought that she seemed almost afraid to. Did she expect him to reject her, he wondered. Tucking the blankets around her, he sat next to her on the bed and touched her face, tipping her head up to meet his gaze.

Kissing her forehead, he gave her a soft smile as he wrapped her in his arms once more. He tipped his head to rest his cheek against her hair, his lips turning up at the corner in a lopsided smile when he felt her snuggle closer against his side. His voice was quiet when he began to speak, the words soft and almost hesitant at first, growing more steady with each word spoken. He could have told her about anything, talked to her about that day, or any of the other places that he had been. Instead, he told her about Gallifrey. He described to her the landscape of his home world, even telling her about the forest he used to escape in when the rigor of school became too much for a boy that longed for adventure.

He had never opened up to anyone before, but now he was and what surprised him the most was how he felt. Whenever he thought about Gallifrey, no matter the memory that was triggered, he was always taken back to that fateful day when he ended the war between his people and the Daleks. Every moment since that day had been filled with nothing but pain and heartache. A reluctance to speak of the planet growing inside of him until everyone who asked was pushed away. But not Rose. She hadn't asked him to tell her about it. She hadn't pushed him for information or demanded any memories from him. He opened his hearts to her, and instead of pain, he felt bittersweet relief to be sharing it with another.

She grew heavy against his side, her hand sliding down from his chest to fall low on his stomach. Pulling back slightly to look down at her face, he was pleased to find her asleep. He stayed by her side, holding her while she slept. He wouldn't leave her alone anymore, he told himself. She needed him, of that he was absolutely certain. Whatever it was that she was afraid of, he wouldn't let her face it alone. If she was afraid that she was losing him, he would show her that she wasn't. He looked down when she moved slowly, her soft moan telling him that she was beginning to wake.

"It's only been a few minutes," The Doctor told her as he touched her cheek. "You need more sleep than that."

"Can't sleep," Rose whimpered and lifted her hand to press against her temple.

"Wait for me here," he told her as he moved from the bed, tucking the pillows behind her back before leaving her side.

Rose watched him leave the bed, her eyes closed slowly as she remained on the edge of sleep. She lifted her hands to her face, rubbing her eyes as she fought against a yawn. She was achingly tired, so much so that she couldn't focus her mind or vision on anything. Her hands bunched in the softness of the Gallifreyan silk blankets that covered her legs as she closed her eyes. Her eyes opened a few seconds later, tears filling her gaze as she tried to dispel the image of the creature devouring The Doctor. Losing her father had been difficult to say the least, but he had been dead and gone for years. Losing The Doctor, Rose thought as she shook her head, losing him had nearly broken her.

"Rose?" She looked up at the sound of her name and met The Doctor's eyes. "I know it looks rather..."

"What is it?" Rose asked as she looked at the cup he held, the liquid inside somewhere between an almond and orange shade.

"A mix of proteins and amino acids," he told her with a shrug as he sat beside her on the bed. "It has all the same benefits as a good meal, but without the grandeur of one. Drink up," he said, and handed her the cup.

Rose lifted the glass to her mouth, grimacing at the odor of the drink only to make a face when The Doctor chuckled at her. He nodded to the cup when she looked at him, his silent encouragement both comforting and disconcerting. He wanted her to drink something that smelled like raw eggs mixed with wet plaster and tasted just as bad made her question his sanity. He laughed again at her tentative sip and the face she made at the taste.

"It's not poison," he chuckled. "I am a Doctor, you know."

"Even the bad medicines have some kind of flavoring. Grape," she told him and smiled when he laughed.

"I did put bananas in there," he offered and reached his hand out to cup her cheek in his palm as he wiped the top of her lip with his thumb. "Drink the rest," he told her as he lowered his hand to his thigh. "It'll take away your headache and help you sleep."

He stayed next to her, watching her drink the mixture until there was nothing left. He accepted the glass from her when she handed it to him, and set it aside on his night table with a silent sigh. She hadn't said much to him and had only smiled once. He leaned close to her, kissing her brow as he wrapped her in his arms. There was a moment, seconds before she fell asleep in his arms, that he had wanted to ask her what was wrong. Any kind of explanation was better than the nothing that he had, but she had fallen asleep before he could ask.

He held her while she slept, staying by her side until he was certain that she would remain asleep. Easing Rose back to lie on the pillows, The Doctor stood from the bed and covered her with the blankets. He went to the door, looking back at Rose one last time before leaving her to sleep. He returned to the kitchen with the glass held in his hand, his fingers wrapped around it in a punishing grip. It wasn't anger he felt, or even frustration, but something so much worse than both. Helpless, he admitted to himself. He felt helpless.

"All you would have to do is - "

No, The Doctor cut off the TARDIS before she could finish the suggestion. "I won't do that to her," he spoke aloud as he rinsed the glass before applying soap and washing it properly.

"You could talk to her," the TARDIS offered.

"What do I even say?" he asked, shaking his head as he dried the glass.

The TARDIS remained silent, his question unanswered, and The Doctor shook his head. No, of course, his beautiful ship didn't have any idea of what to do. He needed to find a way to talk to Rose, to give her some kind of peace, but he wasn't sure what to do. The glass disappeared from his hand, the TARDIS taking the cup and returning it to the cupboard both clean and dried. She was watching him, studying his mind and knew the moment that he decided. The planet, known simply as 'M130', held no civilization, no people they would possibly run into.

The planet was a mix of baron cliffs and sprawling forests with red seas scattered in between. The skies were always colored with ribbons of purples, reds, and burnt orange. A trick caused by the red giant and blue dwarf that it shared an orbit with. The stars sat at the center of the system, swirling around each other with ribbons of light touching and reaching out as though one star was always threatening to swallow the other. There were creatures that filled the sky, small birds with feathers that held a gene for bioluminescence. They only flew at night, lighting up the sky in the darkness as they dived for small fish in the water, making it look as though there were stars falling all around them. It was beautiful and awe inspiring. Perfect for granting a troubled heart peace.

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She felt heavy. Her arms and legs seemed to be filled with lead, or some other dense material that made it difficult to move. Her mind was held on a precipice, teetering between the waking world and the darkness of sleep that tugged at her in a desperate attempt to return to the land of dreams. The mattress beside her began to dip, the weight of someone else settling next to her. She breathed in deeply, the scent of him filling her with a sense of peace and comfort. Her eyes fluttered without ever opening, her lips turning up in a faint smile as she sighed and returned to sleep.

The Doctor leaned down over Rose, pressing a kiss to her brow as he watched over her. He had come to check on her after landing the TARDIS on the planet. She had been on the verge of waking, soft sounds coming from low in her throat as though she were searching for something. He had sat beside her and taken her hand in his, remaining still and silent until she had fallen back to sleep. She needed more rest, he knew that, but he also knew that she needed to wake in a world of beauty. Turning his eyes up to the corner of the wall, he directed his thoughts at the TARDIS and asked his ship to watch over Rose. He had never cared for any of his companions in the way he did for Rose, and the truth of it was something that both frightened and elated him. What would become of him if she were ever to leave him?

Standing from the bed, The Doctor left the room and moved throughout the ship as he gathered the items he would need. The TARDIS helped him when he was too distracted to notice, piles of neatly folded blankets sitting on the edge of the ramp inside the open door. He reached for them one by one until he was certain that the hardness of the ground and sharpness of the rocks wouldn't be felt beneath the blankets. He stood from the crouch he had been in and turned back toward the ship only to be hit in the face with a small white pillow. The Doctor sighed as he set the pillow down on the blankets and rolled his eyes.

He knew the TARDIS was cross with him, her concern for Rose and worry for him manifesting into frustration. Rose had changed everything, he thought as he walked back to the police box and stepped inside his ship. She had changed him, made the TARDIS feel more alive. Rose had made everything that he did matter more than it had before. He had always loved getting into trouble and getting back out of it, sorting the universe's dirty laundry as it were, but Rose made it different. Rose gave him something his other companions never had. She gave him hope.

"Fix this," the TARDIS whispered inside his mind, her worry coloring her words.

"I will," he promised as he stepped back inside his room.

He stared down at the bed, his blue eyes studied Rose's pale face as he watched her sleep. His movements were slow and careful as he uncovered her, doing what he could to make certain she remained asleep. Slipping his arms beneath her, he lifted Rose from the bed. His twin hearts skipped a few beats when he touched her bare legs. There was a part of him that only wished to care for her, comfort her, and another part that wished to love her in the way a man loved a woman, but he didn't dare. She deserved a better man than him.

He carried Rose outside, carefully kneeling down to lay her on the blankets. The suns would be setting soon, the single moon that was frozen and covered in ice lit only by the blue dwarf. He held her head as he lowered her down to the white pillow the TARDIS had thrown at him, the carefully stitched pattern one he knew to be of alien origin. Reaching back for the blanket lying folded in the corner of the makeshift bed, he covered Rose and smiled softly when she rolled on her side toward him. She remained asleep, her hand moving up to tuck under the corner of the pillow.

"I'll be right back," he promised her as he tucked her hair behind her ear before he stood.

He left her sleeping on the makeshift bed, disappearing back inside the TARDIS as he gathered Blue. The flower had spent days with him, Rose's inattention making the plant desire his company instead. He carried it outside, setting it beside Rose before he lowered himself down next to her. The world around them began to darken, the suns falling below the horizon as Rose began to stir. He thought that she was waking, but moments later she was curled into his side with her cheek pillowed on his chest. His lips curled up at the side, amusement and affection warming his hearts as he wrapped his arms around Rose.

He watched the night fall around them, the darkness tempered by ribbons of pale blue weaving through the upper atmosphere. The sound of the birdsong grew in whispers from all around them like a secret given life. Their voices sounded like chimes, delicate and lyrical. He felt Rose move seconds before he heard her moan and looked down to see her rubbing her fist against her eye. She mumbled his name as she woke slowly, her mind taking more than a few moments to understand that what she was seeing wasn't a dream.

"Where are we?" Rose asked as she remained cuddled against The Doctor, her eyes turned up as she watched the small birds glow in the moonlight.

"M-one-thirty," The Doctor told her as he kept his arms around her. "Planet doesn't have a name beyond that."

"No people?" Rose asked softly and looked down when she felt a touch to her cheek. "You brought Blue outside?"

"Hm."

Rose smiled as she relaxed against him, her hand absently petting the flower lying against her in an almost identical manner to the way The Doctor was toying with her hair. He never noticed that he did it, at least not that Rose could tell. She was certain that if he did know, he would stop. For a man always in control of his actions and emotions, she couldn't imagine that his gentle ministrations were intentional. She turned her head, lying her cheek back down on his chest and listened to the sound of his twin hearts beating as she closed her eyes for a moment. Her lips turned up in a curious smile when her eyes opened, her hand reaching out to the creature sitting on the ground at the edge of the blankets.

"He's so cute," Rose said softly as she stared at the animal that looked something like a rabbit, but with a tail that reminded her of a raccoon.

"Rose," The Doctor's voice was soft as he cautioned her. "Pull your hand back, those creatures aren't as friendly as they look."

"What is it called?" Rose asked as she turned her eyes up to him, meeting his cobalt gaze when he glanced down at her.

"They don't really have a name. There's a listing of where their species belongs in the scientific sense, but no name," he told her. "None of the animals here have one . When it was discovered that this planet had no people, and that it wasn't fit for settling on, it was left alone."

"Why isn't it fit for settling?" she asked as she turned and laid back next to him, watching the sky as she gazed in awe at the birds.

"Too many cliffs," he answered her, his tone something like a shrug. "Most of this planet is nothing but canyons and cliffs. The water isn't safe for most species. The same enzyme that turns it red also has a nasty habit of mixing with stomach acid and then eating its way out of the body." He chuckled at the disapproving sound Rose made, turning his head to glance at her before turning his eyes back up the sky.

"But that's only if you drink it," Rose said after a moment.

"You ever take a bath or a shower without getting even a drop of the water on your lips?" he asked her and watched her brows furrow as she thought over the question. "Exactly," he said when he saw the answer written on her face. "Just one drop is all it would take."

"Good thing we're not near it then," Rose told him, her voice subdued.

The Doctor turned to her, watching her as he worried that her mood was falling again. He smiled softly when he watched her yawn, her eyes dropping, and realized that she was simply tiring. She hadn't been awake that long, but she still had more sleep to catch up on. Humans needed sleep far more than his kind did, and Rose hadn't slept for days before he had taken charge. He would never tell her that he had added a sedative to the drink, just a little something to help her sleep. She needed to eat, he thought and wondered what she would desire.

He watched Rose as her eyes followed the circling flock of birds. They began to dive in tandem, the bioluminescence of their wings shining against the backdrop of night, making it look as though diamonds were falling from the sky. She sighed softly a few moments later, turning and curling against him once more as she closed her eyes. He knew the moment she fell asleep, her hand hidden underneath his leather jacket, her palm flat over his left heart. He stayed with her, lying next to her beneath the stars as she slept peacefully against him.

She had talked, he thought with reluctant cheer. He wasn't ready to say that she was better yet, but she was getting there, and he would do anything to keep her moving forward. Part of him blamed the berries she had eaten, wanting to rip the offending tree from the gardens before she had a chance to consume anymore of them. He knew that the events of the day with her father would have affected her poorly, but he couldn't help wondering if she would've reacted as badly if she hadn't eaten those berries.

He was distracted from his thoughts when Rose moved against him, her leg slipping over and in between his. His breath rolled from him in a silent chuckle as he held Rose closer. He stayed there with her throughout the night, holding her while she slept as he watched the nocturnal birds hunt. They soared through the air, circling each other and diving, their movements reminiscent of a ballet. They sang to each other, their song changing and evolving as their hunt neared its end. Creatures in the sea, a species of animal that could be compared to whales, began to sound soon after. Low groans and long alto sounds made their song, the splashing in the distance telling him that they were playing in the waters.

It was long hours later that the first of the two suns began to rise, the blue dwarf painting the sky in purple and silver. The red giant crested over the horizon nearly an hour later, painting the sky crimson and orange, as Rose began to wake slowly in his arms. He turned his head, tipping his chin down to look at her face, ad watched as her eyes fluttered open. The circles beneath her eyes were finally gone, the pallor of her skin almost normal, if not a bit pale. He waited for her to wake fully, watching as she took in the world around them and sat up to watch the last of the sunrise.

He watched her as he reclined on his elbows next to her, each emotion she felt written on her face. Her breath caught in her throat as she watched the colors bleed across the sky. She knew what it meant to be in this place, to be there with him on a bed made of blankets laid out on an alien world. He wasn't leaving her and he wasn't asking her to go. He wanted her to stay and the knowledge of it brought tears to her eyes. The Doctor sat up at the sight of the first tear rolling down her cheek, his hand moved to rest on her shoulder as he opened his mouth to ask her what was wrong.

Rose trembled as she turned and wrapped her arms around The Doctor, his arms returning her embrace fervently. He petted her hair as he held her, doing what he could to soothe her upset, but every soft spoken word only seemed to make her cry more. He moved her closer when he realized that her tears wouldn't be stopped and held her wrapped in his arms as she cried. Perhaps this was it, he thought as he stroked her hair and rocked her gently. Maybe all she had needed was to cry, to let the pain out. He framed her face in his hands when she pulled back, smoothing her hair from her tear-dampened skin. There was a moment of silence between them, their eyes looking into each other's as they said all they needed to without words.

He would never leave her, never make her leave him. He forgave her for all that had happened that day. His only concern had ever been the pain that she was in and he would do whatever he could to heal her broken heart. She would never leave him, her heart and soul were wrapped up in everything that he was. She loved being with him, loved traveling with him. Her greatest fear had been that he wouldn't want her anymore, that what she had done was too much to be forgiven. They were with each other. They held onto each other, and the words that they couldn't speak out loud were spoken in the silence between them. He wanted her to stay with him and she could never imagine being anywhere but by his side.

Kissing her forehead, The Doctor moved slowly and stood from the blanket-bed. He held out his hand to her, helping Rose to stand next to him and waited until she had Blue held in her arms before he lifted her to cradle her against his chest. Her feet were bare and he knew the loose rocks on the ground beyond the blankets would hurt her. He carried her across the ground, the doors of the TARDIS opened on their own as the ship welcomed the pair back inside. He carried her up the ramp and through the halls until they reached the door of her room, the journey made in silence. That moment was a new beginning for them. It was a moment that neither would ever forget.