I walked around the house collecting some of the things I needed to bring Ally. I quickly ran through the list of things she needed in my head along with a few other things I added on. Glasses, check. Laptop, check. iPad, check. Deodorant, check. I glanced around once more before turning off the lights and heading towards the front door.
It had been two days since she woke up and she was doing a lot better. They were moving her to a new room out of the ICU and that meant more freedom. I hadn't directly seen her since the day she woke up.
After going for a ride and calling the people I needed to I went back to the hospital. I stopped at the doorway as Dez and Trish were in the room. They all stopped talking and looked at me, the pain and hurt evident in my face. I looked at Ally, her eyes were hopeful but only for a second as I easily said a quick 'I'm back' and left. The doctor allowed me to sit in a private waiting room when I wasn't sitting on the floor outside her room.
After that I would sleep in the waiting room then wake up and play my guitar a little and write some music. What I did best in times like these with all this on my mind. After I would check on Ally, knowing she would either be sleeping or with someone who was visiting. I remember the nurses come and tell me she was asking for me, but I couldn't face her. Not yet, not knowing how much pain I caused her. I was ashamed of myself and she deserved better than me to take care of her and love her.
Don't get me wrong, I love her completely with every inch of my being but knowing that I was the cause of all this would forever stay with me. She would resent me and I would resent myself. Only problem, she didn't seem to resent me. She wanted to see me, wanted to spend time with me and I couldn't understand why. After all I did she still loved me, she forgave me and that's what made it that much more hard to stay away. I didn't deserve her forgiveness because what I did was unforgivable.
I walked out of the house holding one of Ally's overnight bags over my shoulder. Now that she was out of ICU I was no longer to stay the night at the hospital so I would be returning home every night.
The ride to the hospital was clouded with all my thoughts. I hadn't even realized that I was now parking in the same reserved spot I had been for the past weeks. I turned off the car and placed my head in my hands and rubbed my eyes with my palms. It had been a long few weeks coming.
After a few minutes I finally grabbed Ally's bag and got out of the car. I locked it up and started walking into the back of the hospital. Luckily the paparazzi couldn't get back here. I was thankful for that, but still couldn't understand why they were so ruthless and allowed to stand outside a hospital in the first place.
I got in the elevator and went to the 4th floor, Ally's new floor. I walked down the bland hallways before finally arriving at Ally's new room, Room 405.
I didn't think they would be back yet from her MRI, so I just walked in and started unpacking Ally's things on the table by the window. That was, until I heard someone cough behind me. I whipped around and my eyes connected with her brown ones. I took notice to how they didn't quite shine as bright as usual, but still were beautiful enough to get lost in.
"H-hi" I said nervously.
"Why have you been avoiding me?" She asked, always one to get right to the point.
"I haven't been..avoiding you" I stammered, looking around the room.
"Yes, you have. Austin, I have been awake for three days and you have said a total of 10 words to me and only a few at a time. Why?" She asked, looking hurt.
My heart dropped as a tear slid down her face. I rushed over to her side, sitting in the chair. I wanted to hold her hand but was afraid to. I wanted to hold her but couldn't bring myself to.
"Please Ally, please don't cry. This is exactly what I didn't want to happen" I asked her, pleading with my eyes.
"Austin. Do you really think avoiding me would make me happy? After all that we've been through the past month? I need you now more than ever."
"I know but I just saw how much I had already hurt you and I didn't want to make it worse" I said burying my head in my hands. "I'm sorry Ally, so sorry" I cried out, looking up to meet her eyes then looking back down at my hands, shaking my head.
Her hand reached out for mine and this time I reached up and held on to it as the tears poured out and landed in my lap. I finally let it all out, knowing she wouldn't judge me like others would. She was my soulmate, the one I could be completely and one hundred percent myself in front of.
After a few minutes of her thumb massaging my hand and her mumbling little comments of how it was fine and going to be ok I finally controlled myself and lifted my head.
"I'm so sorry Als, I will never forgive myself for this, even if you do."
"Please don't say that. Not yet, it's too soon and don't think about it because right now I just need you. I need all of you here with me because I'm…I'm tired." Her voice trailed off and I began to get concerned. "Just really tired" Her voice lowered to almost an inaudible whisper.
"Als? Als." I slightly shook her hand as he eyes fell. "Ally" My voice dripping with pure concern.
She didn't answer and I started hearing beeps all around me. I shot out of my seat and sprinted to the nurses station, yelling for help with each second that passed. Finally they all started pouring down the hallway and I heard the loudspeaker paging Dr. Gill. I walked back and forth, pacing outside her room. She was fine, talking and then all of sudden it went south and quick. I pulled out my phone and dialed Dez, I needed to talk to someone.
"Helllooo?" His voice rang through my ear after three rings.
"Dez" I choked out and I could sense him go serious. As crazy as he was he knew when to get serious.
"What's wrong? Is Ally ok?" He asked quickly.
"I-I don't know" I cried out, sinking down the wall.
Dez and I talked for a few more minutes, well more like Dez talking to me. He told me he was coming but I told him to stay. It was getting close to the end of visiting hours and for all I knew she was going to be fine. Scratch that, she was going to be fine. She had to..right?
"Why is this happening to her?" I pleaded with Dr. Gill as he had finished up and came out to speak to me.
"I really can't tell you exactly why just because well..we don't exactly know. We are running some tests right now and having the neurologist look over her brain scan again."
"So you think it could be something with her brain?" I asked, my heartrate picking up.
"We have to explore all our options" He replied.
"So, is she awake yet?"
"Yes, but she is resting and I would like her to stay that way. You can go in but I ask that you make sure she is resting and not pushing anything. Whatever it is that is going on in her we will find and fix Austin, but without rest she will never get better." He looked at me seriously and I nodded before we parted ways.
I walked into Ally's room and sat down silently next to her bed. She seemed to be sleeping and the last thing I wanted to do was wake her up. I slid down in the chair and let my eyes flutter shut. I hadn't really slept in days and was mentally, physically and emotionally drained and exhausted. I needed to rest but my mind wouldn't let me. My body finally gave up and I felt myself slide into a deep well needed sleep.
I walked up to Ally's room two weeks later, hoping that today could be the day she came home. They still hadn't found the problem, but her symptoms were seeming to be going away. She was looking and feeling a lot better. She was allowed to get up and walk once a day, usual either before I got there or after I left for the day her nurse would help her around.
Today I got a call saying that I needed to rush over immediately because Ally needed me. I didn't know what to expect, she could be perfectly fine just wanting some company or she could be sick again and I could be walking into an empty room. I quickened my pace of walking with the last thought until finally I was practically running into Ally's room.
I was met with an empty bed and empty room. Feeling my heart drop to the floor I was slammed with the bathroom door which was being swung open. I was pinned to the wall as I watched Ally slowly move over to her bed, dragging her IV and Monitor on wheels with her.
"Record time?" She mused.
I felt a pang against my heart as she didn't even care that she just brought me through hell and back. "I thought something was wrong!" I shot her a glare as I regained my breath.
"Sorry?" She offered. "I wanted you to come early so we could walk..and talk"
I took her hand in mine. "Why couldn't you just say that? Als, please this is getting too much for me. The random midnight calls to talk and constantly having me paged up here 'urgently' is wearing on my heart. I want to know when I should really be running the red lights to get over here because somethings actually wrong, not because you want me to walk with you."
Her face dropped and my heart strings tugged, how could I stay mad at her? I loved her and she was stuck in this boring, bland place. She was finally feeling better and just wanted to move around. She meant well and I knew that.
"Not that I don't want to walk with you, I would love to walk with you. I can't wait till I can break you out of this place" I pinched her cheek and lifted her chin. "I love you Ally Dawson, I just worry with you in here and the doctors only knowing it's neurological, anything could go wrong at anytime."
She gave me a small smile. "I know and from now on since I can have my phone I'll just text you when I want you to come up. I mean the doctor said if all stays the same I will be released soon" She smiled but then it dropped. "I guess I just wish I was ok because I...I don't know what's wrong and I can't fix it and I see the pain it causes you. I see when you think I'm sleeping or not looking and I see the guilt in your eyes. Austin this isn't your fault, you can't blame yourself." She sobbed as she laid her head on my chest and I cautiously placed my arms around her.
I missed holding her like this, I missed kissing her, I missed waking up with her. I just wanted 'us' back. I wanted to kiss the pain away, kiss away all the pain I brought her, make it all better….but I couldn't.
She knew that, she saw the internal battle I was fighting not to kiss her. I couldn't things weren't the same, we weren't back to normal. I would have to prove to her that I meant what I said and I wouldn't stop until I did.
"What are you thinking?" I heard her soft voice fill my ears.
"About us...and how I am going to prove myself to you. I'm not going to drink Ally, I promise and even if-"
"Austin." She raised her voice at me, causing me to stop. "When was the last time you had a drink?"
I knew that answer, easy. "The night of your accident." I said, looking down at her in my arms.
"Over a month ago, almost two. I believe you I do, and I will continue to believe you until you give me a reason not to" She smiled at me, warming my heart.
I shook my head and pulled away and walked over to sit on the arm of the chair. "But that's because I was in the hospital with you, I practically couldn't drink."
She walked towards me, reaching out for my hand to assist her. I quickly took it and laced her fingers with mine as she settled on my knee.
"Austin if you wanted to drink during that time you would have, and the night you left when I woke up? Did you drink that night?" I shook my head. "Don't underestimate yourself Austin, you deserve a lot more credit than you give yourself. Sure, you have had a long, painful road but you have learned from it and that's why I love you. That's why I want this to work. I'm not saying it's going to be easy getting back to where we were but we will, because we are us"
She leaned her forehead against mine, staring into my eyes. My eyes flickered from her eyes to her lips repeatedly. Finally I slowly gravitated to her lips and we both closed the gap between us. It felt like the first time all over again, the sparks flew and I felt my heart beating out of my chest. I pulled away, out of breath. She made me breathless alone. Our lips hovered over eachothers and our foreheads bumped again. I slowly opened my eyes to see hers doing the same.
"Wow" She breathed out. "I missed that."
I let out a laugh and smiled, closing my eyes again. I could stay like this forever, too bad that isn't how it works.
"Austin?" I felt her being pulled away from me, her arms tightening around my neck. "Austin?" Her voice was more rushed and panicked.
My eyes shot open and I watched as her legs gave out and she slid down my knee. I quickly reacted and my arms supported her. I stood up and lifted her into my arms as I moved her to the bed. She held onto me as I sat her down, her nails clenched onto my plain white tee.
"Press the button on the wall" She said into my shoulder and I removed one arm to reach behind me and press the button that I knew all too well from the last time I had to press it.
I felt my shirt moisten under her eyes and knew she was crying. "Als, it's going to be ok. The nurses are coming, you're going to be ok. I promise, I'm not going to let anything happen to you." I said into her ear softly.
"I'm scared" She cried into my chest.
I smoothed over her back, rubbing in circles as I heard the nurses coming. "I know you are, I know. It's ok to be scared, I'm scared too. It shows that you care and as long as you care enough to fight, you are going to be alright. I promise just wait ok, they're coming."
And within seconds I was being pulled away from her and shoved out of the room. Nurses and the doctor all piled in. I watched from the doorway as the all went to work. I heard her say it was her legs that failed and tell them what happened.
After a few minutes the nurses slowly left and the doctor came out to tell me that they were running more tests and that I should try to just keep her calm. I felt the frustration run through me with each word he spewed to me.
"How is it that you guys still don't know what's wrong?" I asked, losing my patience.
He looked over his shoulder to see Ally looking at us with a concerned expression. He pulled me over to the side and lowered his voice.
"We know it's neurological, but there's not actually a problem."
"Wait? So you're trying to tell me she is making all this up?"
He quickly shook his head. "No, I don't think she is making it up, intentionally. She truly believes that there is something wrong and there may well be something wrong but until she starts thinking that she can get better, her mind is going to continue to believe that shes sick."
"So like when someone thinks they're going to throw up then actually throw up?" I asked.
He nodded. "Yes, but on a bigger scale. It's physiological and most likely a result of the traumatic accident she had. She didn't get to cope with it because she was in a coma...so now she is in her own way."
"So has this happened before? Can we just tell her this?"
His face drooped a little. "I have seen this once before and the man recovered but it's not as easy as telling her. She most likely get defensive and it will just make things worse."
I nodded waiting for him to continue. "So what can we do?"
"Basically we are going to go in and give her straight fluids, obviously they won't actually affect her but in her mind she will think they are making her better and hopefully she will start to feel better."
I nodded again and thanked him before going back into Ally's room. I sat down as the nurse walked in.
"Ally? We are going to start you on a drug called Acetaminophen, it's going to help with the pain and also help relax the muscles that are spasming in your leg, ok?" She nodded and the nurse hooked up the bag to the IV that was in her arm.
She gave us both a smile before right some things down on Ally's board and walking out of the room. I hated having to lie to Ally but if it meant she would feel better than I had no other choice.
"How are you feeling Als?" I asked slowly.
"Ok" there was a long pause "Austin?"
I looked up and saw the fear in her eyes. I saw how scared she really was, it broke me completely. I took her hand with both of mine and squeezed.
"I know" I said, leaning over as she sat forward and rested her face in the crook of my neck.
"What's wrong with me?" She sobbed into my shoulder. "Why can't I get better?"
I wanted to tell her so badly but I knew it wasn't the best thing for her and I owed it to her to do what's best, I promised her.
"I don't know sweetie, I don't know" I answered back.
She pulled back and looked into my eyes. "I'm scared Austin. So scared."
"I know Als, but I'm not going to let anything happen to you"
She started crying again and I brought her back into my embrace. Truth was….
I was scared too.
I hope you liked this chapter, its mostly just a filler and showing how Austin is dealing with everything. Be sure to review and follow so I know to continue the story because right now I'm kinda feeling like its not going well. Thank you to all my favoriters and reviewers and followers and thank you all for reading! XOXOX