Disclaimer: Characters belong to Yana Toboso.

A/N: I appreciate ALL of the reviews I get, but I specifically want to thank Strawberryrabbitcream (that's a mouthful!). They gave me really good advice on how to improve this story, and I'm going to try my damnedest to put it to good use. Also, because I'm terrible at witty references, The Goose refers to Grey Goose, a 'top shelf' brand of vodka.

Flesh

Two

Piggy-No-More's Blog

12:13 am September 4th

Apparently they're called triggers? Those people or places or moments that snatch the air from your lungs and crippled you until you broke and fell to your knees?

I met my 'trigger' for the first time in 8 years, completely on accident. Sitting there with the same stupid fucking friend and the same stupid, fucking gorgeous face and body and eyes and those hands that make you want to melt and burn your skin off at the same time and I'm rambling, aren't I?

Anyway, it was nothing short of awful. My heart still hurts every time I think of those damned dreadful (beautiful) terracotta eyes glaring at me and that perfect mouth sneering at me as though I were a low-life. How those hands that had held me close curled up like he wanted to hit me. He called me a pig. Said that he would never want to touch someone as disgusting as me. He was right. He was right then, and he's right now. I'm no where near where I want to be. I still feel disgusting, I still feel too heavy, too gross, too FAT.

Lowering my calorie goal tomorrow. I NEED to shake this fat. In the meantime I'm going to eat myself into oblivion.

Comments:

weigh-2-go:

Don't do it! Brush your teeth, take a shower, take a walk, but stay strong!

Tinydancer:

I'm so sorry, darling, but don't quit! We're here for you!

Ciel wasn't at all prepared to face the day. His throat was scratchy and raw, his eyes still burned from the onslaught of tears, his muscles still felt weak, and he felt an almost irrepressible urge to gorge himself, but in the end he had refused to stay in bed feeling pathetic, even in the late hours. He had spent much of the night ambling about the house, trying to distract himself and,more importantly, his stomach, cleaning every surface and rearranging every knickknack. He tidied up his room to an almost obsessive-compulsive state, every scrap of clothing in a drawer or his closet, every piece of paper balled up and tossed away, and the vacuum cleaner ran three times in each and every nook and cranny before his father finally pounded on his door at one in the morning, shouting for him to shut up and go to sleep.

Even after the harsh command, Ciel stayed awake, idly biding his time with text messages to Lizzy.

"Are you really letting him bring you down like this?" She had asked in an outraged whisper, and Ciel could hear the tears in her voice. Having her care so much for him made him want to cry all over again, but the very thought was exhausting.

"I don't know what else to do! I saw him and everything just came rushing back! I felt like I was back on the floor in the hallway..."his voice trailed off as his throat tightened.

"Think how far you've come! You aren't that fat little boy he used to pick on, and all you have to do his show him that!"

"How in the hell do I do that? I'm not a woman, I can't just shake my arse and have hot men fall all over me."

"Why can't you? I've seen your arse, it's pretty cute."

"I thought we weren't going to talk about that again..." Ciel laughed for the first time all day, knowing for a fact that Lizzy was blushing scarlet on the other end of the phone. Regardless, she laughed too.

"The Goose makes me do dreadful things, and that is the last I'll say of it." She giggled. Ciel instantly felt a sense of calm wash over him, as though the trials of the previous day hadn't even happened. "Listen, Ciel, you've come a long way since then. You should be proud of the changes you made, not running and hiding from some bully."

"He's not just some bully, Lizzy. I thought..." Ciel paused, trying to clear the ever growing lump in his throat. "I really thought he cared about me. I loved him..."

"You were only with him for a few days..." The words weren't harsh, the boy could appreciate that much. But she didn't understand. He had been so hungry for affection during his childhood, ached for it every time he saw the happy little couples holding hands in the hall. Every day he had wished that someone would look at him the way Sebastian had, with determination, with fire, with a passion that screamed you are mine!

"You don't understand...it's complicated." he sighed. She would never understand. Elizabeth had always been cute, maybe not skinny enough,but always an acceptable weight, just small enough to skirt the crude comments and harmful pranks. She had never been called a pig, never been tricked into falling in love, never shoved around or pushed or bullied. She also never ate her emotions, the small voice in the recesses of Ciel's mind chided. Fair enough.

"Perhaps...but do you plan to do? Drop out because on one person who was mean to you in middle school? Are you going to explain that to your father?"

"Well, it sounds awful when you say it like that..."

"The point is, you can't avoid this guy forever. Weston isn't that big, you're bound to run into him again, and you can't keep having break downs every time you do!"

"You're right..." Ciel didn't know what else to say. He couldn't afford to go to another college ( a thought he had tossed around his mind during the hours he spent cleaning) and Weston, for all its pomp and glory, was only so big. Ciel could avoid the cafeteria for the rest of his college career (and now, he planned to) but that didn't mean that he wouldn't pass Sebastian in the halls or walking across the quad.

"Of course I am. Now what I suggest is you get some sleep, wake up bright and early, wear your hottest clothes and step onto that campus as though you own it! What happened to the Ciel who stayed here, the one I was going out and rolling in the hot tub with?"

"Yeah..."He mumbled. The last summer Ciel had spent with the Midfords had been one of his best, in his honest opinion. He held his heart close, playing coy as men smooth talked their way next to him, taking his hand and waxing romantic. He tumbled beneath the sheets with no fear of heartache or rejection, only the fear that, whoever the lucky bastard had been, he wouldn't have to see his face before sneaking out the next morning as the sun rose. They had their fair share of experimentation, popping Xanax on late nights before walking the neighborhood to seedy convenience stores where they conned men into buying them liquor with a quick flash of milk-white skin, or rolling on a hit of acid as the bubbles of the hot tub tickled their skin to a pretty bright pink. That summer, insecurity was little more than a thing of the past, and he had almost forgotten that the incident eight years ago had even happened. He had almost forgotten that his whole life before his dramatic weight loss had even happened. He had never been Piggy Phantomhive, his aunt had never split his parents up, he had never heard the name Sebastian Michaelis of Claude Faustus, and he had certainly never been anything less than the slender, perfect Ciel he had been when he was far away from Weston.

Why did that have to change? Who said he had to go back, to be the helpless little slob he had been in middle school, to eat his emotions when they were anything short of wonderful? Something died in him on the floor of that school, and it took years, and miles upon miles of running, before he had gained it back, no, gained something better. He loved himself now, and no punk ass frat boy was going to take that away from him. Not again.

"Ciel, get some sleep. Don't think about it anymore. You were so excited to start school there, don't let some arsehole ruin it for you. Good night." Ciel hung up with little more than a quiet good night, and though his body was still buzzing with pent up tension, he rolled over and closed his eyes with new resolve to start over. His first day back in Weston was nothing short of a disaster, but tomorrow would be better. It just had to be.

"I swear to God, Sebastian, if you ask me again, I'm going to staple your fucking mouth shut." Alois sneered through gritted teeth.

"I wouldn't be asking you if you had kept your fucking mouth shut!"

"How the hell was I supposed to know he was the kid you fucking bullied? This is exactly what you get for being a little shit!"

Sebastian was nearly reduced to getting on his knees and begging. Ever since he had spent the remainder of the day picking wilted lettuce out of his hair, he couldn't keep his mind off of Ciel. He still couldn't wrap his head around the idea that that was little Piggy Phantomhive, the chunky kid they had tormented in middle school. He was loath to admit that, even eight years later, even the faintest amount of guilt ate away at him. Even if he had never looked into those crystal blue eyes and saw the pain that swam in them, even if he hadn't heard the pained rage in that lilting voice, he would still feel that gnawing guilt of the type of person he had been. He had been old enough to know better, to know that people were fragile, to recognize the sad, lonely look on his face when other had pointed at him, whispering behind their hands or laughed at him in the gym locker room. But Ciel could have probably forgiven all of that.

However, blatant heartbreak, being used, those things Sebastian knew weren't so easily forgiven. That didn't mean he wasn't going to try.

Once Sebastian had gotten over his embarrassment, his rage, one instance stood out in the short time he played Ciel's boyfriend. That time, in the bedroom, holding Ciel's plump hips in his hands. The feeling that shot through him, though momentarily, stuck with him all those years, and though he had felt the throes of lust before, he had never quite felt such...possession over a person before. Something in the recesses of his mind whispered to him that here, on these hips were where his hands belong.

He wanted that feeling again. He craved it, and, even though he flitted through throngs of women and men to find it, something in him knew he would only find it if he could get close to Ciel again, and he knew that he could only do that with Alois' help.

"Can you just...talk to him?" Sebastian pleaded. Alois heaved a sigh. It was going on 1 am and it was way too late at night for this bullshit. He just wanted to cuddle up with Claude and go to bed, but Sebastian had threatened to follow him upstairs and pound on the door all night until the blond agreed to his demands.

"Fine! I'll tell him your sorry or whatever, but that's it! If he still doesn't want to talk to you, it's your problem!" he huffed, crossing his arms as he relaxed back on the couch. "Why do you even care, it was forever ago. Are you trying to get into his pants because he skinny now or something?"

"What?! No, I-"

"I'm serious, Sebastian, if all you want is to use him again-"

"Fuck you." the older man huffed, pushing himself from the plush chair in the common room and storming up the stairs. He didn't want to hear it, not from Alois, not when he was still beating himself up about what happened so long ago. Alois didn't know what the fuck he was talking about. He was a kid back then. He had changed so much since then, he had grown up into a much more mature person, not the shallow little shit the blond was accusing him of being. He was enchanted by Ciel, wanted to know the person beyond the outside appearance, and he was kicking himself even harder knowing that Ciel, nor anyone else apparently, could see that. But it was no matter. He would get to Ciel, show him that he wasn't that person anymore, that he could be whatever it was that Ciel saw in him all those years ago. He could be what Ciel needed most.

Sebastian slammed his bedroom door shut. Feeling confident that no one would come to bother him at this late hour. His room was common enough, though dimly lit, posters of his favorite bands lining the walls and piles of assignments, long since graded, littered every flat surface. He heaved a heavy sigh as he sunk heavily onto his mattress, covering his face with his hands. All day he felt a heavy weight on his shoulders, but tomorrow he would work to shake it off. He could fix this. He had to.

The next morning came too quickly for Ciel, and he had contemplated skipping today before his conversation with his cousin came rushing to the forefront of his mind. He couldn't run away, not today. Had he not promised himself just mere hours ago that today would be better? Well, he couldn't make it better without getting out of bed.

The ache in his muscles had subsided, but only just barely, and even now they protested the decision to get up, but pain aside, Ciel dragged his weary body out of bed and eased out of his bedroom and into the hall as silently as he could. His father had probably left hours ago, but he didn't want to risk running into Angelina and her pro-food ranting, not when he was still trying to shake the vulnerable feeling the previous day had left him with. He had meant what he said on Flesh, he was lowering his limit. This was about feeling stronger, and he never felt stronger than when he had been able to limit himself to 1,200 calories a day. Well, he could do one better. Today he would touch no more than 1,000, and he would feel good and look beautiful and feel in control. Sebastian would not make him feel defeated again.

With that newfound strength, he tiptoed through the silent house. Downstairs he could hear Angelina pattering around the kitchen, undoubtedly preparing a lavish breakfast with a steaming pot of coffee on the side. Ciel instantly began concocting the cover story he would give her to politely decline: he had a late snack, he was running late, he had to meet with a professor. Or I can just tell her to piss off, he thought bitterly. What did he owe her anyway?

Making quick work of removing his pajamas, Ciel stepped into the steaming stream of the shower, feeling his sore body relax instantly. He closed his eyes and imaged how the day would play out, when he stepped onto campus once again with a whole new kind of confidence. He wanted to make jaws drop, make men do a double take, show them just what he had done all that work for. He was perfect, and it was time for Weston college to finally see that.

He thought back to last summer, how sexy he had felt, being touched and caressed by men whose names he couldn't be bothered to remember. Their hands had been all over him, over dainty shoulders, between his smooth thighs. As he lost himself in the fantasy, hot water sluicing over his body, his thoughts turned taboo. The familiar grip on his hips, soft full lips ghosting over his, terracotta eyes boring down into his as they leaned in close. He had promised himself he would let that go, that he wouldn't let it haunt him any longer, but he couldn't help himself. His imagination took off, and he pictured that perfect mouth finally meeting his own. A shiver shot down his spine as heat pooled between his thighs, and a trembling hand gripped his growing erection. He imagined that it was Sebastian's hand, gripping him tight and slowly, so slowly tugging him. Ciel tossed his head back, a soft moan escaping his lips as he imagined Sebastian falling to his knees, worshiping his body like it should be, peppering kisses along his pale, thin torso and over pronounced hipbones, slowly following the ever-so-thin trail of dark hair leading down to his manhood. He pictured his red tongue, darting out to taste the precum beading at his flushed head before licking up the length of it, torturing him before finally, in a show of mercy, swallowing him down to the root. Ciel's hand gripped him tighter, moving faster as his imagined the tight muscles of Sebastian's throat constricting around him as he deep throated him, swallowing his cock over and over, driving Ciel quickly to the point of completion. Finally, he snapped, spilling his seed into his hand with the soft whisper of Sebastian name on his lips.

Goddamn him. Even in the privacy of the shower that bastard haunted him. Well, if Ciel had to face him, he would do it in all his perfection. Shutting off the water and drying himself off, the boy made his way to his bedroom, his mind going through a rolling count of every article of clothing he owned before deciding what he would wear that was just enough to stop Sebastian in his tracks and think twice about ever letting Ciel go. He would make Sebastian miss him if it was the last thing he did.

A/N: I really don't know where I'm going with this anymore...but I'm not giving up on it!