Disclaimer: I own nothing. Everything belongs to Yana Toboso.
Note: I'm gonna be honest this chapter is probably gonna be super short. It's sweet though so hopefully you guys appreciate it. Also, if you guys know a better way to do breaks besides those damn lines, please let me know.
Trigger warning: purging.
Flesh
Five
Sebastian woke first, the harsh rays of the morning sun flitting through the sheer curtains. Though his head pounded and his stomach churned, his burning eyes focused only on the young man sleeping soundly next to him.
The sunlight cast an almost ethereal glow to Ciel's creamy skin as faint shadows danced across his delicate features. Sebastian stayed silent, taking in every curve and contour of Ciel's face, from his rounded cheeks to his dark lashes to his little ski-jump nose. He had meant what he said last night; everything about Ciel was perfect, inside (especially inside) and out. Now if only he could convince the younger that they could be perfect together.
Without hesitation, Sebastian reached out and stroked his fingertips along Ciel's cheeks, marveling at the rosy blush and sheer softness of his skin. Under the feather-soft caress, Ciel's lashes fluttered open as he awoke, giving Sebastian a view of those ocean-blue eyes he loved so much. It was intense, the influx of emotion that filled him over someone he had thought he had forgotten about, who he had left so far in the past. But here Ciel was, and a floodgate that Sebastian hadn't even known existed had opened and he was more than happy to let himself drown.
Ciel finally came to, his mind trudging through the fog of dehydration and that awful turning in his gut and his insatiable need for a cigarette. His eyes couldn't focus on the room around him, only on the scarlet eyes that bore into his, and that coy little smirk. So last night had happened. He had been caressed in the most gentle of ways, had drowned in the immense pleasure, had been shown what true perfection was. And he could only just barely remember any of it.
Ciel could almost feel the bile rise in his throat. Sebastian saw his body. Sebastian, of all people, saw his naked body. Every flaw, every imperfection, everything bared, out in the open, in the most intimate of ways, and Ciel couldn't even for a clear picture of it. How was he? Was Sebastian disgusted? Repulsed by the evidence of every miscounted calorie and every run he had ever skipped and-
"Good morning." Sebastian's gentle baritone pierced through the dark thoughts, and for just a moment, Ciel felt a short-lived relief. The elder male slowly eased closer, his lips slowly caressing Ciel's, and he had barely a minute to enjoy it before that voice began screaming.
How vile! You must taste disgusting! It shrieked, knocking out every ounce of nerve Ciel had gathered for himself. He had only woken up, he probably tasted about as good as he felt (which wasn't saying much) or even about as good as he probably looked, (which was saying even less.)
Panic rising in his chest, Ciel pushed Sebastian away before throwing the sheets off of his naked body. He shot to his feet, ignoring Sebastian's protest, and began hunting for his clothes. He had to get home, had to escape the suffocating atmosphere, the scent of sex and top shelf tequila, run off every damned calorie, and get far, far, away from Sebastian until he could get his head straightned
"Are you okay? Ciel, what's wrong?" Sebastian asked, rising to his feet, unsure of how to calm the younger male. What had happened? Weren't they just fine a few moments ago? "Ciel, will you stop?"
"I have to go." Ciel breathed as he haphazardly pulled his briefs up willowy legs.
"Go? Ciel, wait-"
"No, I have to go!"
"I said wait!" Sebastian declared, grabbing Ciel by his wrist and pulling his body to meet his own. He pushed down the guilt he felt when he saw the fear welling in those blue eyes. "Ciel, talk to me. What's wrong?" He asked slowly.
"I have to leave, this was a mistake." Ciel whispered, his eyes unfocused, looking straight through Sebastian.
"What? What are you talking about?"
"What happened last night was a mistake. We were drunk, I wasn't thinking." That hurt, Sebastian couldn't deny, but what else could he expect? Ciel wasn't going to fall for him in one drunken night of clumsy passion, no matter how great (stunning, electric, mind-blowing) the sex was.
"Was it something I did?"
"What? Sebastian, no-"
"Then why are you leaving?" he asked, his voice wavering as he slowly took Ciel's hand into his. His slim fingers trembled beneath Sebastian's touch, and he brought them to his lips. "Don't run away from me again..."
"Sebastian..." Ciel stopped short, unsure of what he wanted to say. The feel of those lips against his skin brought memories of last night flooding back, and an unwanted surge of arousal shot through him. He could feel his flesh burn anew, hair standing on end, and all he could think about was going back to bed with this magnificent man and taking another round in the sheets. "I'm sorry, I have to leave..."
"Just give me a chance." Sebastian pleaded, not releasing the willowy wrist from his grasp. "Tonight. Just give me one chance and if it doesn't work out, I'll never bother you again."
He wanted to say no, to just politely decline and turn and leave and forget this ever happened. Things were changing too much, too fast, that his mind couldn't keep up, but-
Isn't this what you worked for? Isn't this what you wanted? That was right. This was exactly what he wanted: Sebastian desiring only him, wanting only him, looking at him the way he did back then.
"Okay. Tonight."
In the chaos, Ciel had forgotten that it was still morning. The September sun was just peaking over the treeline, casting a warm glow over the town. It was a shame he couldn't bring himself to enjoy it.
The sidewalk swayed in front of him, the ground seemed to move beneath his tired feet, and every step sent a sharp throb up his neck and into his temple. He looked the very picture of a Walk of Shame, with his clothes disheveled and his hair a mess and all he wanted to do was curl up in bed and think about the night before when his brain (and stomach) finally settled.
He shouldn't have been bothered, he knew. Taking a tumble after a night of drinks had always been something he just brushed off the next morning. But then again, he had never been the one who had to leave. He would just politely show his lover the door before instantly wiping his face from his memory and sitting down to cereal and Netflix with Lizzy.
'That's it!' he thought as he pulled his phone out f his pocket and dialed the number, growing impatient as the seconds drug on without an answer.
"Mm, hullo?" Lizzy's voiced sounded gravelly on the other end, but Ciel decided not to care. Pay back for all those early mornings she had drug him out of bed to go running with her, as far as he was concerned. "Ciel? What are you doing up so early?"
"Slut walking back to my dad's house, and you?"
"Well, I was sleeping until-wait, what did you just say?"
"I got drunk and screwed Sebastian and now I'm walking home." Perhaps casually saying it would calm him down.
"You what!?" He shrill voice cut through the phone, causing his temples to throb harder. "You talked as though you hated him, what the hell happened?"
"I don't know!" he whined. "I went over there because my friend wanted to start a blog and then we started drinking. Next thing I know he taking me upstairs and kissing me and calling me perfect and beautiful and all that."
"Aw! That's sweet." Lizzy cooed. "So, then what happened? Did he kick you out? Did he at least make you breakfast before you left?"
"No, I kinda...woke up, freaked out, and left."
"What?! Ciel, what are you thinking?"
"I don't know! I'm hungover and everything he said last night just came flooding back and it was just too intense."
"I guess I just don't see the problem. How was the sex? Was he rough like other drunk guys or was it real slow and romantic-like?"
"What damn difference does it make?" he asked. He was beginning to feel frustrated. He had called her so he didn't have to think about all of this, so that he could have a moment of freedom from his thoughts of Sebastian before having to face the older male again.
"Well, I just think you're freaking out over nothing, again. There's a chance he was drunk and wild, but he could have been really sincere."
"Or he could have just been wasted."
"Ciel-"
"Calm down, he bullied me into going on a date with him tonight."
"A date? Where?" Ciel honestly didn't know. He had been so eager t leave that he didn't think to ask. If Sebastian were anything like the other jocks he had been with, it was probably just them sitting in the living room of the frat house in front of the TV with a bowl of popcorn and a case of beer. Not exactly Ciel's idea of romantic.
"You know, he didn't say..."
"Well, it can't be any worse then the last date I went on. We just went to the guy's house and he spent the whole night practically begging me to blow him."
The rest of his walk seemed to blow by as Lizzy chattered away, and as Ciel got lost in his own thoughts about the night. He knew he shouldn't expect much. As far as he knew, Sebastian didn't work, so the probably wouldn't be going anyplace expensive or trendy. So then, what else was there? A walk around campus, window shopping in town, all things that had, at one time, seemed incredibly boring to Ciel, but after imagining it all with Sebastian, their hands intertwined as they people-watched and laughed at lame jokes together, or even watching movies at the house, cuddled up on the old sofa underneath a cozy blanket all seemed, well, really sweet.
"Where on Earth have you been?" Angelina started in as soon as Ciel had shut the front door behind him. He hadn't even had a chance to take his shoes off. "What the hell happened to you? You look like you were in a fight!" She leaned in closer before recoiling, her slender hand reaching up to cover her nose. "And you stink! You smell like a dive bar."
If Ciel were honest, he had forgotten all about Angelina. He should have known that she, of all people, would be the one to freak out about him stumbling home drunk, hair a mess, neck covered in bruises. God knows, if he had thought about it, he wouldn't have been so quick to leave the frat house. No amount of awkwardness could be worse that his aunt's interrogations.
"I was out." He bit back, brushing passed her in an attempt to get to his room.
"Out where?"
"With friends! God, what's the big deal?"
"The big deal is that we didn't bring you here so you could go out and party!" Angelina replied as she grabbed a hold of Ciel's arm. Ciel jerked away from her, his sapphire eyes glaring into hers, and he instantly regretted it.
"Don't touch me!" he shouted. "I don't care why you brought me here, I just wish you'd leave me alone!" As he moved away from her, he could feel the contents of his stomach jostle, the very feeling almost enough to send bile up into his throat.
"You'll lose that attitude this instant!"
"Get bent!" With that, Ciel stormed up the stairway and down the hall before he reached his room and slammed the door shut.
'Not now, not now.' he though miserably as he made his way to his bed and sat down on the edge. He legs felt weak, his head still pounding, and his jog up the stairs did absolutely nothing for his ailing stomach. He just wanted to get rid of that awful churning, that too full feeling. He just wanted to let it out. With a tired groan, he rested his head between his legs, contemplating his dilemma. He knew asking Angelina wasn't an option, not after the row that had just happened downstairs, but he also wasn't about t eat anything. There was precious little in the house that he could eat that wouldn't completely destroy his calorie count, and he didn't have the energy to go downstairs anyway.
Better out than in. The voice in his head chirped sweetly, and it was then that he spotted the navy blue trash bin resting near his bed.
Better out than in.
He had never done it before, but he had talked online with girls who had. He never asked for specifics, he had never been curious enough to know how one went about throwing up, but right now he wished he had. Something about the gag reflex? He pulled the trash bin closer before he knelt down in front of it.
Better out than in. Better out than in.
Ciel tried to steal his nerves, had tried to stop the trembling in his hands as he slowly reached two fingers to his mouth. A terrified shiver shot up his spine as he tried to push forward, his knuckles meeting his chin.
There are 46 calories in one shot of Patron. How many did you have? That damned voice chided cruelly. Was it six? That's 276 calories, maybe more. And let's not talk about all the sugar in the drinks Alois gave you.
That was right. That was what was making him sick, that was what was swirling around in his gut, destroying all of his hard work from the inside out. He wanted it out, needed to get it out before it congealed and solidified and stuck to his bones as fat! He needed to stay thin, to stay perfect, to stay exactly as he was last night, when in Sebastian's arms, on Sebastian's cock.
That's right. For Sebastian, it's better out than in.
It was an awful noise, the gagging of his throat before the few contents of his stomach hit the bottom of the trash bin. His throat burned just as it did last night, the acid setting his mouth on fire and the muscles of his stomach ached as they worked every disgusting calorie, every grain of salt, every damn bit of sugar sweetness out of his body, and before long, there was nothing left. He felt empty and feather light once more, just as it should be.
As the remainder hit the bottom with a disgusting trickle, Ciel sat silent, heaving, listening the the minute fizz as his bile settled at the bottom of the trash bin. He had only heard stories of people who had binged, how they had felt so ashamed in the aftermath, felt vile, disgusting, like they were washing all of their hard work get flushed down the toilet. Ciel, however, could only feel liberated. There it was, all of his missteps, the evident of his careless mistake, frothing at the bottom of the trash. It was like it had never even happened.
He sighed as he finally felt strong enough to push himself up from his knees before he drug himself up to his bed, his body relaxing as he sank into the plush mattress. He was tempted to just drift off, let his body float in a dreamlike state, before a quiet knock resonated through his room.
"Ciel? Are you okay?" Angelina asked as she tried the nob. Locked.
"Go away." The young man groaned in response, his throat raw. He didn't have time for her misplaced sympathy, not now. All he wanted to do was sleep until it was time to see his Sebastian again.
"Do you need water or anything?"
"I need you to go away!" A sharp sigh was heard from the other side of the door, followed by furious footsteps as Angelina went about whatever it was she did at home all day. Probably thinking of more fattening, greasy food to try to force down his throat.
No. No more. You have to work harder now than you ever have. You want to keep your man, don't you? The voice whispered.
He did, and he would. He wouldn't be his mother, sinking his claws into a man before getting comfortable, getting content, getting fat.
It was hours before Ciel had awoke to the sound of his phone vibrating beneath his pillow. He checked the display, frowning as a number he didn't recognize flashed across the screen.
Hey beautiful. Its Sebastian, I got ur number from Alois. We still on for tonight?
He took only a moment to note that the sun had already began to sink beneath the treeline, the moon already hanging high in the twilight. The clock on his phone flashed 8 o'clock, and Ciel couldn't help by be curious as to where Sebastian planned on taking him so late in the evening.
Where are we going?
Its a surprise. What's your address?
Ciel quickly type out a reply, his stomach exploding into butterflies. His first real date, only a few days into his college career, with a gorgeous man.
Be ready in an hour. I cant wait to see you.
Ciel practically jumped up from the comfort of his bed, nearly kicking over the trash bin and the mess within, before rushing to his closet. For all of his lazing, he hadn't even considered what to wear, or if it even mattered.
Idiot, of course it matters. Wear something sexy.
Sexy? What sexy clothes did he own that Sebastian hadn't already seen? Precious little seemed to stand out, he noted as he carded through the many hangers lining his closet. Too old, too casual, too dressy, everything seemed to fall short in his eyes.
Jesus, just pick something. A bolt of red caught his eye, and he grabbed it before anxiety caused him to change his mind. He couldn't help but admire the way the soft material slid between his fingers before he slung the garment over his shoulder as he pulled out a pair of black leggings, ingeniously designed to look sleek and wet, as though the material were painted to his skin with fresh ink.
He easily burned an hour between showering, shaving, getting dressed and grooming. He nearly brushed his teeth until the bled to rid himself of the horrid taste and smell of stomach acid, combed his hair into three similar-yet-wholly-different styles, adjusted his clothes countless times, and when the doorbell rang, he still didn't feel ready.
Ciel had managed to beat Angelina to the door, but only just barely. She eyed him critically from the doorway of the kitchen, wielding a black plastic spatula as though it were a weapon. Ciel paid her no mind as he quickly opened the door. Sebastian stood on the covered porch, hands tucked nervously into the pocket of his hoodie as he took in Ciel's appearance, his trailing the exposed flesh of his flat stomach.
Ciel felt flush under the attention, and his mouth practically watered in his appraisal of Sebastian. He didn't think he could ever get tired of those carmine eyes, that hair, the body that was unjustly hidden beneath a hooded sweatshirt.
"You look great." And what would he do without that voice, deep and resonating, sending chills throughout his entire body.
"So do you." Ciel replied shyly as he stepped outside, shutting the door behind him.
"Are you ready to go? I have something I really want you to see."
"What the hell, Sebastian, you brought me to school?" Ciel couldn't hide his disappointment as Sebastian pulled his car into the parking lot of Weston's campus. The last place he wanted to be was at school, especially so late at night. The hum of the orange lamps lining the parking lot grated on his nerves, and the moon above had cast eery shadows across the dark, empty quad.
"Chill out, and hurry up." Sebastian had replied before pulling Ciel toward the empty building. The darkness seemed to consume them as the orange lights faded into the distance behind them, and the only thing that broke the silence was the crunch of dying leaves beneath their feet. The main building of Weston College toward over them, and Sebastian pulled him around a corner before they finally stopped running. Without a word, the older male pushed Ciel toward the cold brick wall, where he could only just barely make out the outline of a maintenance ladder, leading up, up, up into more dense darkness.
"Sebastian, what's going on?" Ciel asked, panic rising in his throat. He hated surprises, and there was no telling what was on the other end of that ladder. He wasn't even sure if they were actually allowed to be here.
Sebastian didn't respond. He only wrapped his arms around Ciel's waist and lowered his lips to his ear. "Just trust me." He whispered. "It's just a little further."
The younger male shivered as the words hit his ear, and as Sebastian's warmth seemed to seep through his clothes, through his skin, heating his to the very bone. It was cruel what he was asking him to do now, when all Ciel wanted to do was say to hell with the date, pull him back to the parking lot, and make good use of the back seat of his car. Instead, he pushed forward, pulling himself up each freezing rung of the ladder, trusting the Sebastian was right behind him.
The idea had struck him during a lazy night of drinking warm beer and watching old movies with Claude. Sebastian couldn't remember how they had gotten on the topic of Ciel, but they had, and Claude had asked what he would do if Ciel had given him a second chance.
"I don't know, dude." He had slurred, running a hand through his hair. "I think something romantic. Something I wouldn't do for anyone else. Maybe like a picnic with candles or some shit."
And that was exactly what he ended up doing, and, if the look of utter awe that graced Ciel's rounded face was any indication, he had done a pretty good job.
The roof of the main building was covered with gravel, so Sebastian had laid down the thickest, softest blanket he could find. In its center rested an old wicker basket, covered by a cloth napkin, as well as a bottle of wine. Surrounding the blanket were a multitude of tea candles, all giving off a soft, romantic glow.
"Sebastian..." Ciel sighed, slowly stepping forward as he took in the scenery. From the roof, they could see the whole of the town of Weston, every street lamp, every light from every house, even as far as the city, where the skyline stood out harshly against the night sky.
Sebastian's heart pounded in his chest. He needed Ciel to say something, say anything to attest to how he felt about all that he had done.
"Did you do all of this?" Ciel's voice was barely above a whisper.
"Yeah. I had to try to sneak all this shit up here in one trip so no one would get suspicious." He chuckled nervously. "Do...do you like it?"
Ciel turned to face him, full lips pulled up into a gentle smile.
"I love it."
They had passed the hours eating (picking at) the meal Sebastian had packed, chicken alfredo that he had made himself, as well as sipping (backwashing) white wine. Between bites they bantered back and forth, asking about one another and sharing awful jokes.
Just keep talking and he'll be none the wiser.
"So, why the roof? Why not the park or the beach?" Ciel asked, setting down the tupperware container that held his meal.
"Well the park has cops, and the beach would have been way too cold."
"What about you're room?"
"We'd be way too busy with other things to talk or eat." Sebastian smirked, and Ciel bit at his bottom lip to stop the smile the was threatening to cross his lips. "Actually, this place is kind of special to me." Sebastian continued before taking a sip at his wine. "I had a rough time when I was a freshman. In high school, I would be so busy with sports, and the teachers understood. They would give me breaks, let me turn in assignments late, would let me slip by if I forgot a few papers. But here, I was just another student, a number, the rules weren't bent for me anymore. It was a hell of a wake-up call."
"Aw, poor baby." Ciel replied sarcastically, pinching Sebastian's cheek. The older male just chuckled as he pulled the tiny hand away from his face and held it in his own, his thumb gently stroking the back of Ciel's hand.
"Yeah, well, I had gotten it together for a while. Passed most of my classes with at least a B, staying up late to do homework after practice. You have any idea how hard it is to write a paper while on the bus to an away game?" Ciel couldn't help but notice how, even though he was facing the skyline of the city, Sebastian seem to be focused on nothing at all. It was as though he was lost in his own mind, in the memories of the not-so-distant past, and Ciel couldn't help but feel all the more interested in what had happened while he was away. "I did pretty well for a while, but the stress was just too much. Before long, I just said fuck it. Started hanging around the frat houses, getting drunk, taking things I probably shouldn't have been taking. I even thought about flunking out.
"But I had this one professor. Fucking Professor William T. Spears. He was this really straight-laced, snobby guy, you know, the ones that sit in their studies with a Cuban cigar and a tumbler of whiskey. A real Wall Street type. He pulled me aside one day a brought me up here, and said something that, to this day, still speaks to me. He said, there are hundreds, thousands of people living in that town, in that city, and each and every one of them have it worse than you."
Ciel nearly choked. "Jesus, that's harsh."
"Yeah, that guy was a dick. But he was right." Sebastian pointed out into the distance, at one of the many flickering lights of the windows. "See, they could be going through a divorce, and they could have just lost a kid, and that one could have just been fired from his job, and here I am, crying because I can't keep my grades together. It was eye-opening, in a way. Every time I think about giving up and flunking out, I remember that they have it worse, but they're still pushing forward, so I can too. I mean, I'm only at a C average, but it could be worse. It could always be worse."
The two sat in somber silence. Ciel didn't know what to make of Sebastian's confession. It had shattered the picture of the older male that he had created for himself over the past 8 years. It was hard to picture Sebastian as anything less than perfect, less than a Greek God with charm and a sense of humor and a killer smile. He had been broken once too, he had hit rock bottom once too, and Ciel simply didn't know what to make of that information.
Fortunately, Sebastian broke the tense silence as he rose his glass. "I feel like we should toast to something. Isn't that what people do when they drink wine? Toast?"
"It sounds like we should toast to Professor Spears." Ciel smirked as the older male grimaced.
"No, fuck that guy." he replied, before his lips curled into a smile. "How about, we toast to us. To a great night together."
Ciel's smile widened as the two touched their glasses together, the small clink almost melodic in the quiet of the night.
"Ciel..."Sebastian began, biting his lips nervously. "I don't want this to be it. I don't want to leave here tonight and go back to the way things were."
"Then what do you want?" Ciel knew the answer. He could tell by the Sebastian's eyes met his, by the way he wouldn't let go of his hand, by the way he went through all of this for a first date.
"I want to be with you."
Goodnight.