Chapter 2

Sleep eluded her, and Kate could only watch as the glowing red of the clock on the nightstand beside her ticked off the minutes of too-early morning. Her body sat upright still, hours after she'd climbed into bed, one flimsy pillow all that separated the delicate curve of her back from the bed's rigid headboard, her mind far too restless to grant her body the comfort it craved. Her eyes stung from the combination of fatigue and salt, the ache of her head surpassed only by that of her heart.

The tip of her index finger was sticky and approaching numb, the packaging around Castle's book the culprit, having traced it mindlessly along the envelope's now-exposed seal for hours. She'd finally opened it shortly after he'd replied to her text, after staring at it for a length of time not even she was prepared to explain. But it felt like apt punishment, to hold the book in her hands, to sit with the consciousness of its present insignificance. It would now serve merely as a reminder, a reminder of what could've been if only she'd been strong enough.

The clock beamed 4:18 A.M., and she had to accept that rest was no longer a realistic option. Kate rotated and inched to the edge of the bed, her body stiff and protesting, and with only the faint light of the outside world peeking through the window to guide her, she shuffled to the nearby dresser and pulled on clothes. There was only one place she could go, only one place with the inherent power to ameliorate the pain of the burden weighing so heavily upon her- the place from which she drew so much of her strength. And with her phone and keys in hand, she headed out into the darkness to the 12th.

XXX

Kate arrived at the precinct in little time at all, the city streets dormant in the calm before the day's usual storm, the desk sergeant on duty notably perplexed to be greeting her at that unusual hour of the morning. The ride up in the elevator was just a few floors, but she savored the opportunity to close and rest her eyes; a chance, she appreciated, the remainder of the day might not afford her. At the carriage's all-too-soon ping, she stepped between the sliding doors and into the bullpen, and already she felt different.

She dropped her phone and keys into her desk drawer and checked the time on her father's watch, assumed that Ryan and Espo wouldn't be in for another hour or two, at least, which gave her more than enough time to head upstairs and turn loose some of her percolating energy. She kept a bag under her desk, had since she'd started in Homicide, for those days when her mind alone couldn't free her from the jarring images and sounds that went hand in hand with the job. And while the current albatross around her neck had nothing at all to do with her work, the release, she hoped, might offer a modicum of relief.

XXX

The weight room upstairs was empty, not a real surprise given the hour, and she eyed her target from her initial step inside. Across the way, the heavy bag hung from the ceiling in wait and in challenge, silent and strong, ever the receptive opponent. She pulled a glove over each hand as she stalked across the floor, somehow still anxious for battle after a night that'd already left her bruised and bloodied, whether or not anyone else could physically see the resulting wounds.

She circled the bag once, settled herself with deep breaths as she went, readied her body for the sting of engagement. And the instant she released it from the locked corner of her mind, the Okay that'd knocked the wind out of her hours before, the switch was thrown. Relentless and frenzied, Kate came at it, grunts of hurt and exhaustion mingling in the room's echoes. The bag danced on its chains, did its best to evade her blows, but there was no escape, not from everything she had to give- over and over and over.

The minutes passed like hours, until the might of the burn claimed her voracious limbs. And then it was over, as quickly as it had begun. One final kick to its core and both fighters were done. Kate grasped at the swinging mass and hugged it to her body. It was the only thing in the world holding her up in that moment, and the overwhelming gratitude she felt slipped from her lips in a faint whisper of thanks.

She heard it then, just barely, over the rapid thump of her racing heart, the sudden sound of clapping in the distance. The two men, neither of whom she recognized, overly dressed for their surroundings in street blues, approached with dopey smiles and an arsenal of infantile adulation. Apparently, she'd had an audience, one that she neither expected nor welcomed, most certainly not on this morning.

"What'd that thing ever do to you?" Both men chuckled, entirely too amused with themselves.

Kate worked to peel off her gloves, one eye on the door behind the two the entire time. She loathed that she had to engage them at all, but they were the one unfortunate hurdle lined up between her and the freedom of the hot shower just fifty feet away. "How's it goin', guys?" Her tone was pleasant, yet couldn't have portrayed less interest.

"Better than you, it looks like. That was some damn fine work." They eyed each other with their idiotic grins. "So, we have a little bet going- boyfriend or perp?"

She wanted to run, literally barrel through the men and never look back. "Excuse me?"

"The bag, were you imagining a boyfriend or a perp?"

He was entirely serious. She was entirely aggravated. "Enjoy your day, guys." She shook her head conspicuously as she passed between them in a beeline for the door.

"Hey!" The shout caught her just before she disappeared from sight, and she stopped and turned- a mistake. "If you ever need a partner-"

Partner. That was the very last goddamned word she needed to hear.

XXX

Martha sat alone at the kitchen counter, steam rising from a mug nearby, rainbow colors of fruit arranged on a plate at her hand. She'd woken Alexis for school a short time earlier, her son, though a father with the best of intentions, known to duck that responsibility more often than not. She was focused on the morning newspaper- too early for anything more substantive than the day's fashion- when her body jerked in its seat, the distinct and resonant click of a key in the loft's front door catching her by complete surprise.

Castle strolled through the entryway and toward his mother with a markedly contented look on his face, discarding his jacket unceremoniously on a convenient piece of furniture along the way. He was still dressed in yesterday's clothes, but seemingly none the worse for wear. Tossing his keys onto the counter, he leaned in and kissed his mother's cheek, offered her a routine morning greeting before reaching into the refrigerator and pulling out a container of juice. Martha looked on, silently at first, but with a profusion of questions just waiting to burst free.

"What?" He lowered the carton of juice from his lips, an errant drop traveling down his chin.

"You're a grown man, Richard. How about you make your mother proud and use a glass, huh?" She rose from her stool and brushed past him to retrieve one from the cupboard, as he swallowed down yet another sip. "I didn't realize you weren't here this morning, darling. Work an all-nighter with Beckett?"

Glass in hand, she turned just in time to watch as he reached out to put the container back, and she shrugged at her own needless effort.

"No," he offered casually, his face hidden temporarily behind the refrigerator's door.

"Didn't you go out to meet her last night? I thought you'd said there was a case and-"

"And there was, Mother." His reply oozed aggravation. But he knew she'd never let it lie without some sort of explanation. "I went to meet Beckett at a crime scene, yes, and then I got a call from a friend, so I left."

Martha stood close, her disapproval palpable, her bemusement brimming. "Well, that's got to be a first. Must've been something very important if you left Beckett there alone, huh? Is everything all right?" She reached out and touched his arm with motherly concern.

Castle stepped around her to find some open space, some breathing room. "Beckett doesn't need me, Mother, not to do her job and certainly not for anything else. It really wasn't a big deal."

As his mother, her heart ached for him. Since Kate's lie had been exposed, Martha watched as he tried with fierce determination to hide his hurt beneath a mask of indifference, to convince himself that being there for the work was enough, but the wounds ran far too deep for parlor tricks and smoke screens.

"Richard, you cannot keep doing this to yourself. You cannot keep punishing yourself for falling in love." The lump in her throat grew more pronounced with each word. "And no matter how deep inside you try to bury all of this, until you truly face what's happened, the pain will never go away."

He stood before her looking like a man who'd just gone ten rounds in the ring, battered and dispirited, not at all the man she knew. He couldn't even look at her, knew if he did it might knock him over, and knew that he might not have enough left in him to pick himself back up. "I need to sleep, Mother. Tell Alexis I'll talk to her later, okay?"

He stopped and kissed her again on the cheek as he passed, but he said nothing more.

"Richard..." she whispered, not a call, but a vocalization of a mother's helplessness, as his bedroom door ticked shut somewhere behind her.

XXX

Kate's skin still hummed from the heat of her shower as she settled back into her clothes. The weariness she felt was real, the workout and the water having stripped her of much of the buzz she'd carried in with her. She sat on the bench in the locker room and pulled on her socks and boots, her plan for surviving the remainder of the day flashing in her mind like an on-the-fritz neon sign: one minute at a time. It was the only way.

She tightened the leather of her father's watch around her wrist and gathered her wet hair into a ponytail. The door creaked as she tugged it open and stepped out into the hallway, let it close behind her with a push of air. She could do this. She could face this day if she had her work, if she had her team. They would pull her through.

As she descended the stairs back into the bullpen, Kate noticed it there, sitting on her desk. She grabbed for the railing, her equilibrium rattled instantly, her eyes darting around the room, into every corner she could see, through every window, beyond every open door. But the fourth floor all around her was still.

She moved on toward it, slow of step, yet her heart raced as though she was at sprint. The bag she carried slumped clumsily from her shoulder to the floor and she kicked it back under her desk, her attention devoted solely to the cup now within her reach.

"Thought you might be here." He stood no more than a few feet from her but she hadn't heard him approach.

"Oh, Espo, hey. Yeah, I was upstairs and…" Her sentence faded into a hush, lost or forgotten, neither knew which. "Did you?" She pointed to the gifted coffee, hoped he wouldn't take credit because…

Shit. How the hell could he have been so stupid? Of course she'd think it was him. Coffee was always his thing- their thing, Castle and Beckett's. "I did, yeah." Now all he wanted to do was apologize, to take it back, to not be such a fool. "Kate, I'm-"

"Javi," she cut in, "thanks." She tried to reassure him with effort of a smile. She just needed to move past it. It was easier. It was survival. One minute at a time.

"Yeah, no problem." He knew her. He understood. "I was just about to start going through the witness statements from last night, see if anything jumps out. Ryan should be in soon. He texted me a few minutes ago."

"Okay thanks, Espo, I'll run some stuff through the databases. Maybe we'll get lucky and score a hit with a Missing Persons Report or something."

He turned with a nod and slunk away.

She put the cup of coffee aside, never did take a sip.

XXX

Kate's eyes were beginning to glaze over when Lanie's text hit her phone, the flicker of her computer monitor as the morning wore on like a hypnotist's pendulum. Hours had passed with little to show for them but frustration, and the prospect of information from Lanie's examination, any information at all, perked her up on this day more than it probably should have.

She left Ryan and Espo at the 12th to compile notes, to go through witness interviews, and to begin the review of the motel's surveillance video which was to be dropped off by the manager within the hour. Twenty minutes later, she walked alone through Lanie's door at the medical examiner's office, her friend nowhere in sight. Jane Doe's body rested on a metal table in the middle of the room, her torso and head exposed, clean save for the purple and red of the scars that would never have the chance to heal. Kate approached, her head angled in a tilt of curiosity, her mind collaged in snapshots of her own mother from that horrible night so many years ago.

The sweep of the door behind her went unnoticed as Lanie entered the room and silently observed her friend for a long moment. "Hey there. You want me to leave you two alone?" With a grin, she stepped up to the table across from Kate.

Kate was clearly startled by her sudden appearance, flustered, forced to make the trip from the past back to the present in an instant. "What I want is for you to give me something I can use to figure out who this woman is. Can you do that?"

"Whoa, wrong side of the bed this morning- got it." Lanie never minced words.

"I'm sorry, Lanie. I didn't mean to snap. I didn't get a lot of sleep last night is all."

"That's all, hmm? And where's your partner today?"

Dammit. She should've sent Ryan and Espo to do this. "I don't know where he is." Just saying the words made her feel unsettled. "And, quite frankly, after last night, I'm not sure I'll ever know again."

It wasn't the time for this. Lanie knew Kate needed the focus of the job. "Well, would you like to know something? About our mystery woman here, that is. I have a preliminary positive for GHB in her system."

"The date rape drug?"

"That's the one. It's also used in smaller doses at clubs or raves because it can act as a stimulant. Given how she was dressed when she was found, she could've been out partying and things got out of control. Who knows."

Kate bit at her lip, her next five moves already being plotted out in her head. "Yeah, maybe. Anything else?"

"Workin' on it. You'll be the first to know."

She dug into the back pocket of her jeans for her vibrating phone. "I have to go. Thanks." Ryan and Espo had something.

XXX

"Yo!" Espo called out from his desk across the room, Kate barely a foot clear of the elevator doors. "What'd Lanie have to say?" Ryan stepped out of Gates' office and the three met in the middle.

"She had GHB in her system. She could've been drugged or it could've been an overdose. Hopefully we'll know more when Lanie's done later. What's- what's up with Gates?" Kate had noticed her standing in her office window, watching them as they spoke- watching her, more specifically.

"Who ever really knows with Gates, right? I mean, I was just in there and she didn't have much of anything at all to say. Filled her in on the video footage we got from the manager of the motel," Ryan told her.

"Okay, give me a minute. I need coffee first. Then you can catch me up." Despite Kate's brief outing into the fresh air of the spring day, the drag from sleeplessness and her time in the gym was very much setting in. On the best of days, her body craved the caffeine, and its revenge for today's withholding was playing out in the throb of an unforgiving headache.

Back from the break room, mug in hand, Kate joined Ryan and Espo in front of the large flat screen in the bullpen's humble tech room, a blurry image paused and ready for her scrutiny. "Okay, what've we got?" She sipped the too-hot coffee with reckless abandon, the resulting expletive turning the heads of both men.

"Everything…okay?"

Loaded question. "I'm fine. What's-?" She pointed at the screen, her tongue numb from the scald. Add that to the list.

Espo chimed in with commentary as Ryan exercised control over the remote control. "Now, this was captured about ninety minutes before the body was discovered. The quality sucks, but that appears to be two men coming from the vicinity of room eight, climbing into that dark sedan, and driving off in a hurry. And- play that back, play that back- one of them is definitely looking around like he's worried they might be seen. Looks damn suspicious, if you ask me."

"The manager said they don't require people to register their cars when they check in, so no luck there," Ryan added. "But we sent unis back to the motel with some stills of the video to see if anyone recognizes the sedan or saw anyone get in or out of it last night. And tech is doing what they can to try and clean up the footage, but they told us not to hold our breath. It's a pretty cheap operation."

"Yeah, imagine that."

Every case, just one break, that's all she needed.

Kate stepped toward the door to return to her desk, Ryan and Espo with eyes on her, awaiting further instruction. "Okay, you guys check in and see if the canvass has turned up anything on the car and see where tech is at with the video. They've had success with far less than this, I'm sure. I'm going to look into the clubs around the motel, make some calls, see if I can't find someone that can help ID her that way. Maybe she was a regular somewhere."

"You got it, boss."

XXX

"Well, thank you for your time. I appreciate you taking a look. If you remember anything or hear anything, you have my number." Kate hung up the phone on her desk with an emphatic clack, her undeniable frustration clear to all within her proximity. She'd sent the photo of Jane Doe to six club managers, left word for three others, and nothing had come of it so far. She tried to calm herself down. After all, it hadn't even been 24 hours. It was all just getting to her- last night, the vic, the dead ends- and, honestly, she just wanted out of this day.

"Detective?" The voice sliced through the ambient office sounds. Gates stood just outside her office door, Kate's attention her holler's objective. "Can I see you a minute?" She disappeared inside once Kate moved to stand.

Kate had known Gates for just a few months, still hadn't quite learned how to interpret her captain's signals or body language. But she respected her, admired her- liked her, even. There was something in the toughness that Kate took comfort in, felt connected to, her own character much the same. "Sir?" Kate peeked her head through the open door.

"Come in, sit." Her voice gave nothing away.

Kate took a seat as instructed, an entire list of things she could've screwed up scrolling across her eyes between each blink. She waited for the hammer to drop, braced for the criticism and the ire. But it didn't come.

"I received a call this afternoon, Detective, from Mr. Castle." Her voice was softer than Kate had ever remembered.

"You-?" Nothing more came out, and Kate swallowed hard.

"Yes, he called to thank me for allowing him to remain with the precinct given my initial and considerable reservations, and to tell me how appreciative he was of the access to my team- to you. And he assured me I'm working with the best team in the city." She grinned but took no happiness in it, did it more for Kate's benefit, though she could tell instantly by her reaction that it hadn't mitigated the shock of the blow. "It all came as quite a surprise. I wasn't aware that Mr. Castle had completed his research."

Kate had no idea either, not until that very moment. Last night's message, last night's Okay, was his goodbye? He was done with them, with her, and he'd called Gates? She didn't understand any of it. Her mind was in an absolute tumult of emotions. There was never a…nothing ever…why was he doing this?

"Sir, may I be excused, please?" Her voice cracked with heartache and anger, and she was gone before Gates ever had the chance to dismiss her.

She pulled her jacket on as she strode across the lobby and out onto the sidewalk. Castle couldn't do this. Not this way. A few weeks ago, he'd told her he didn't want to waste any more time, and now he was just gone? Maybe he could live with that, but she couldn't.

Kate climbed into the car and made her way through the afternoon traffic to his loft. Because she had to know. He needed to tell her to her face if he was done, not by way of some ridiculous and cold relay through her boss.

She paced in the elevator on the way up to the penthouse, her body managing to still function only as a result of the emotional fuel of the last hour. She shouted his name from the hallway, pounded on his door and then pounded some more, until it flew open in front of her.

But it wasn't Castle standing there.

"Katherine? My word. Is everything all right?" Martha's face was rife with worry.