STUCK! In My Own Mind

by psearah

"Without even thinking, I ran up the steps across from the door. Saito called after me, followed by the sound of shredding flash. I couldn't turn back to look though, because I knew exactly where I was headed. I ran upstairs, to one of the rooms where..."

4. IT! Keeps Happening

CHAPTER THREE

JULY 1864

The months with the Shinsengumi had passed easily, and all too soon. Saito continued to train me in swordsmanship, and I'd even dueled Chizuru. Although she won every time, Saito said I was improving so I decided to keep up with it. Most of the other members had also become friendlier to their new guests, and Chizuru and I had continued to join them in dinner. The only stipulation was that I hold a towel around my tea cup at all times. I'd also become more warmed up to the idea of being around Okita without fearing for my life anymore. It seemed silly to be afraid just because of a very realistic dream, and once I'd decided to talk to Okita the dreams had stopped. It was proving difficult to reach him, though. He seemed to be out on patrol or busy or missing at all hours of the day. Truth be told, it was kind of bringing me down.

Chizuru and I were called into Hijikata's office one day. I was relieved to say the least when Okita and Heisuke were there as well. Hijikata wasn't the most personable of the Shinsengumi. "You can leave the compound." My eyes widened to the size of dinner plates even though I knew what he was going to say before he said it. He meant me as well, even though I could barely wield a sword. "Hijikata-san," I cut Chizuru off from her questioning and pointed to myself, "Not a good idea!" A smirk tugged at his face, "I asked Saito about your capabilities with a blade, he had nothing but good to say." It seemed as though my argument ended with that. "Souji, Heisuke, you're on patrol today, correct?"

They both nodded in response. "I think it's Souji's turn though, right?" My heart leapt. I wasn't thinking about leaving for obvious reasons, but if I were able to talk to him and convey how sorry I was for treating him life shit for nearly half a year, then maybe we could be okay. A smirk crossed him face as he only addressed Chizuru, "Remember, don't run or I'll kill you. And if something happens out there, you'd better be able to hold your own." He didn't seem to be serious, but it still sent shivers running up and down my spine. Maybe today was too early for this. "At any rate," Hijikata glanced over at Okita, "You both have my permission to go."

At that point there was no doubt in my mind that I wasn't ready to confront Okita, so I folded my hands into the sleeves of my kimono and spoke, "Decline."

In the end, Chizuru decided not to stay either, for fear of burdening Okita or the others any further. "I think they've finally started to trust us, Kagami-chan." I smiled a bit at the pet name, concealing my disappointment. "If Hijikata is willing to let us go on patrol, I would say so." We sat in pleasant silence for a bit after we'd finished talking. It was hot in the compound and even in the summer clothing that Saito had brought me a couple months ago, I was sweating. "Chizuru, do you want to go to the courtyard?" She nodded hastily and led the way as if she'd been hoping I would ask. Unfortunately there was no wind blowing, so it was hot even in the shade of the trees. "I've been thinking of my father a lot more lately," Chizuru made herself more comfortable at the base of one of the trees, "I've been wondering about why he was helping the Shinsengumi, but-"

"But what?" I glanced over at Sanan, who stood next to the tree that Chizuru was leaning against. She expressed her worry about his health, but Sanan dismissed it almost like an insult. I felt bad for the man, but that didn't suddenly give him valid reason to respond so horribly to Chizuru's genuine concerns. I fronted the retreat back to our bedroom, as Chizuru wasn't too far behind.

Later that night, the compound seemed to be buzzing with activity. I knew what tonight would be, so I didn't bother listening in when Chizuru stopped Heisuke for more information. We waited in our room while every left for their posts. Sannan called us both into the common room, explaining that it was to keep a closer eye on us while everyone else was out. The door slid open to reveal a young man dressed in black, reminding me more of a ninja than a samurai or ally of the Shinsengumi. "They're meeting at Ikeda." This of course did not bode well for our side, since most of the men were at Shikoku. "Yamazaki," Sannan addressed the other man in black directly, "I need you to inform the others at Ikeda Inn, and please take these children with you." I was too shocked at him requesting I go as well to be miffed about being called a child by a man who was only a couple years older than I was. "There may be rounin to intercept you." "I understand," Yamazaki replied, "If we're held up, I can trust at least one of these two to deliver the message." One of the two…? Even so, we'd both agreed to go with him. I placed my hand on the kodachi Saito had let me use, momentarily drawing Sannan's attention. It seemed that he wanted to say something about it, but held his comments in favor of allowing us to leave. We ran out of the compound, and only then did it truly hit me how long I'd been there. Staying in the same room with very little exercise certainly didn't help with stamina. But, I knew I had to keep up with Yamazaki and Chizuru so I focused all my energy into my footfalls.

After a few blocks, we clashed with some rounin at an intersection. Yamazaki called us to move on ahead, so we wasted no time with stopping. We had to though, when the sharp end of a blade nearly took off both our heads. It was Hijikata, "What are you two doing here?!" "They're meeting at Ikedaya!" We said at the same time, kneeling over each other to catch our breaths. Hijikata's face grew even sterner if possible. "Are you sure?" I looked over to Saito and nodded with as much gusto as I could manage. Chizuru filled them in on the rest, having an easier time calming her lungs. "Saito, Harada," Hijikata addressed the two, "Take the men to Ikeda, I have something else to handle right now." They both nodded and Harada turned to address the rest of the soldiers. "I can't allow you to be alone while Kyoto is so dangerous. Stay with Harada and I or go with Hijikata."

Chizuru had chosen to go with Hijikata, and I had no qualms about staying with Saito so we parted ways for the first time since we met. It was odd not having her at my side, but I wished her the best of luck before I ran off by Saito's side. Nearly a block away, you could hear the screams. When Harada and Saito separated to take on different parts of the building, I'd decided to follow Saito to the front of the building. With what must have been the first complete sentence I had spoken in Japanese to anyone but Chizuru, "I'm going in with you, Saito-san." He spared me a glance, "Stay behind me and try not to become too much of a burden." I cringed at his words, but softened a bit when his gaze fell on his kodachi that rested on my right hip. It was hard to be a right-handed swordsman when your sensei was left-handed. With just a few words, he guided his men into the inn. The smell of blood was strong and I could barely see the bodies of dead Choshu littering the floor from behind Saito's blue haori. Kondo greeted us with a grin that should have split his face wide open. Nagakura came over with the same expression plastered on his face, "Sorry Saito, looks like I didn't leave any for ya!" Even in a situation like this, they could still joke around a bit. "I'll let it slide this time," was Saito's only response.

In a swift change in emotion Saito began ordering his men again, "Don't allow any to escape; kill all who resist!" I blinked at him and then sighed. Of course he'd been worried about so few men being there in the beginning but they seemed to have held their own except… "Okita!" Without even thinking, I ran up the steps across from the door. Saito called after me, followed by the sound of shredding flash. I couldn't turn back to look though, because I knew exactly where I was headed. I ran upstairs, to one of the rooms where I could see Okita laying there, a man standing over him. Okita called something out to him before jumping out the window. I ran over to him, where he was coughing violently. Was it really starting this soon? "Okita-san?" I turned him over as gently as I could and placed his head in my lap when he'd finally calmed down. "Kurosawa-san-"

I shook my head, tears prickling my eyes with dread for the near future. "You should call me Kagami-chan, if it would make you more comfortable around me."

The sun came up much later after I found Okita. Even though the raid had lasted nearly two hours, it felt like longer. For me, the last of it was spent worrying about Okita's condition and helping Chizuru treat the injured. We'd won, but Okita and Souji as well as Nagakura and two others had been injured. One of the rank-and-files had lost his life. Even so, the Shinsengumi had finally made a name for themselves in the capital and that was a victory that could not be over shadowed.

AUGUST 1864

Since the Ikedaya incident, Chizuru was spending more time on patrol with the others. She'd asked me every time to go out with her, but I'd always declined. "Well, at least go into the courtyard for some fresh air while I'm out!" As a doctor's daughter, it must be difficult for her to ignore the health of others. For the most part I did spend more time in hakama, sitting outside on the edge of the walkway. Since it was fall now, many of the rank-and-file soldiers trained on their own or in pairs when the weather was especially nice. Even though my sensei didn't permit me to practice with them, I somehow felt like I could learn something by watching them. Saito also told me to not call him that, but he was my teacher so I felt it appropriate in that aspect. He'd made me capable of holding my own against maybe a ten year old on a bad day, but I couldn't complain. At least I was going somewhere. "Kagami-chan!"

I looked over at Okita, who was walking beside Saito. I waved over, choosing to ignore Saito's irked expression. Apparently, it wasn't considered very appropriate to call a woman by her first name and that specific suffix in Japan. We didn't have honorifics back home, so I didn't really understand and part of me didn't care too much for the boundaries. They didn't seem to be so strict around Chizuru, but I guess the three year difference somehow made it more important. "Saito-san, Okita-kun!" I offered a small smile.

"Saito-kun said you were getting better with your sword, mind if I test it?" Okita sword made a click as his thumb pushed it from its sheath. His voice was playful, but his eyes were dangerous. "She's not quite that skilled, Okita."

I sighed and thanked Saito under my breath, always saving me from Okita in any situation. As they bickered over my skills with a sword, I began thinking. I'd been with them for half a year wandering around the compound and never going outside of these walls but once for Ikedaya. At that time, Chizuru and I were instrumental in the Shinsengumi's success. But now, a useless feeling seemed to linger in the back of mind no matter how comforting everyone was. I had no real skills. Japanese food was completely foreign to me before now. I couldn't go on patrols because I would be useless there, too. They only said Chizuru could go because of her father, but if a fight with rounin were to break out there's no chance she would be able to hold her own. I could clean, but everyone did that constantly so it didn't make me particularly useful. I could sew, but not well enough to regularly take apart and clean their haori like most people did with formal wear. Saito was put out the most of them all, spending hours every week just training a woman how to wield a sword long enough to run away. Utterly hopeless… "Kurosawa-san."

I brought my head up from drooping into my knees and turned to look at Saito, "Yeah!" Okita rolled his eyes and threw his hands up in the air before walking off and muttering to himself, "So she answers to him!"

"You seemed to be in your own mind," Saito explained, "Okita-kun had been talking to you."

I blushed and fiddled with the open sides of my hakama. They were almost like pockets, except they weren't closed like pockets. More like bottomless pockets. "If you ever need someone to talk to, you can come to me. I understand that it must be difficult to live with so many men, and Chizuru is not the best at understanding certain things. So please, come to me."

An inaudible gasp escaped my mouth. I could not remember Saito being so forward with Chizuru so early in the game. At this point, I would normally check my meters to see exactly how high his romance level was. So uncharacteristically high for so early. "Um," I avoided looking at him because I could feel my face turn beet red, "Thank you, Saito-san."

A few days later, Chizuru and I were delivering tea to the captains in the common room. It has taken us longer to make it because I wanted to help, but she had tried to teach me along the way since I'd never made traditional tea before. "Thanks Chizuru-chan, Kurosawa-san," Nagakura said as he took his tea, "I feel like you guys are our servants or something."

"Thank you, Yukimura-kun, Kurosawa-san," Inoue had an apologetic face, "I feel bad asking you to do all these things… You're our guests."

Chizuru replied cheerfully, "It's nothing, really! Besides, you're giving me a place to stay."

Neither of us voiced our obvious desire to be more useful around the compound. Chizuru headed the battle since she already knew how a Japanese household worked. I was still learning everything. All thoughts and conversations were ended abruptly when Kondou slid the door open as fast as possible and announced with the widest grin, "The Shinsengumi has received orders from the Aizu Domain! All available units should prepare to leave immediately! It seems we've finally been noticed."

I smile softly with the others who were cheering loudly. Perhaps this was a chance to finally be handy to the Shinsengumi. Hijikata broke up the celebration as quickly as it had started, and all the captains flurried out to gather their men. "Okita and Toudou," Sannan called out from the commotion, "I doubt you want to hear this, but I think it best if you were to remain at the compound. Your injuries keep you from combat, mine included."

"Hey, I'm perfectly fine," Okita argued, "I mean, I'm not one-hundred percent, but I'm not bleeding or anything."

They continued to argue while Chizuru and I sat in our same places as before everyone started running around. This happened more often than naught when Okita in particular believed himself to be completely healthy. Of course he wasn't so bad off, yet. "Oh yeah," Nagakura addressed Chizuru, "Didn't you say you'd like to tag along if we got orders? You still up for that?"

"I don't see any reason why she couldn't," Kondou backed him up, "And Kagami as well. Saito tells me you've been practicing with a kodachi?"

I placed my right hand over the hilt of Saito's sword, suddenly conscious about having it in my possession Ever since he'd first given it to me, I'd kept it always in arm's reach. But even if I'd been practicing for nearly the entire time I'd been with them could I really hold my own? "If you come, you will surely be a burden," Sannan cut in, "War is not for careless children."

"Sannan-san, so you mean they can accompany us as long as they are not a burden?" Saito responded quickly, "I've taught Kurosawa-san from the beginning of her stay with the Shinsengumi. Do you not rust my swordsmanship?"

He was curt, but his words surprised everyone in the room. Did he really have so much faith in me? Saito's argument left no room for further discussion, unless Sannan really wanted to attack Saito personally. "Excellent!" Kondou's excitement couldn't be hammered down, "I'll take full responsibility of the two of you, if you want to participate."

In the end, we both decided to go with them. Maybe for similar reasons, maybe not. In any case, I was glad to have already been wearing my hakama because we were out of the compound minutes after the decision was made. We marched together through Kyoto to the magistrate's office. A number of other soldiers were there and still preparing to leave for battle. Kondou headed us all, and approached the gate, informing them of who we were and why we had come. "You were told to come here," the man replied with a confused expression on his face, "We never received word of this."

Chizuru gasped from beside me, probably wondering why they hadn't even heard of our involvement in the war. Saito knelt down a few inches to whisper something in her ear, an explanation of how we could have gone unnoticed. Even though I knew it was just that, a tinge of jealousy rose up from my stomach as I watched from the corner of my eye. I pushed it back down as much as possible and tried to focus on Kondou again. "Even so," Kondou continued, "Our presence has been requested. If I could speak to-"

"It doesn't matter. We don't need the Wolves of Mibu for this!"

My mouth cured back into a snarl as I felt like tearing that man to shreds like the wolves he called the men who made the Shinsengumi my home. I kept my eyes downward and mentally tore myself apart from the group, ignoring a spared glance from Saito before we left to look for another group of allies who hopefully acted like it. We walked until it was nearly completely dark outside, reaching Kujo Beach after an unnecessary visit to a higher-up that I decided I didn't much are for. At that point, I was angry with the magistrate's office for their insults, the Shinsengumi for taking it, and running for hours on end to a destination that would probably end up in us having to go somewhere else. Even at Kujo, we were met with opposition. "What the hell?" Thankfully, Nagakura had the balls to speak up where I couldn't, "We were told to come here but your superiors, goddamnit! You wanna fuck us over, go ahead. But you'll be disobeying a direct order! Is that really something you wanna do?!"

The Aizu soldier moved his mouth like a fish gasping for water, and I gave Nagakura a mental clap. Even though it was technically talking out of turn and frowned upon, Kondou couldn't hide his grin. "I'd like to speak with your commanding officer. Could you take me to him?"

After a bit more effort from Kondou, the Aizu troops had decided to let us stay with them. Unfortunately, they were all reserves, stationed there just in case the unrest spread. The main army was stationed at Hamaguri Gate. Chizuru seemed shocked, and I maintained an outer exterior of quiet indifference. My insides boiled, one thing after another, always. "Why would they send us out here acting like it's an emergency or some shit?" Nagakura, always the first to speak his mind.

"We can't predict what will happen. There is little we can do until we are called upon." Saito, always level-headed.

The captains, Chizuru and I, and a couple of the regular troops sat around a fire later that night, trying to stay awake. Since they were holding onto the possibility of being called during the night, they'd all decided it would be best. I thought of Okita and how much we needed his humor right about now. Each captain had a different personality that fit into this puzzle, helping it become a whole. In the game and anime, they all talked about how important Kondou was, and then Hijikata once he became captain. Even though I agreed with them to a certain extent, the Shinsengumi began to fall apart the moment Sannan lost use of his arm. It wouldn't be too long now before he succumbed to the Ochimizu and then depending on which path Chizuru chose in addition to my own miniscule changes... "Kurosawa-san," Saito laid a hand on my head, "You're trapped in your own mind."

I turned to look at him and smiled sadly, envisioning his Rasetsu form, "I have a lot on my mind."

It was as if we'd created our own little corner, "What are you thinking about?"

"I didn't know you were so forward, Saito-san."

My tone had been a bit easing, I suppose. He swiftly removed his hand and looked away. Parts of me kept forgetting how shy he actually was around women. It was easy when he acted so indifferent all the time. "I was thinking about Okita-san." I wish I could have withdrawn my words as soon as I'd spoken them. "You two seem to have gotten closer." It was a fair observation, but not really something I'd wanted Saito to make. I stayed silent, not knowing if there was any more I could say. Maybe it was a bit conceited of me to have wished it was jealousy and not fact that had caused him to say that.

I'd fallen asleep with my head on my knees, wishing that my hopes weren't so easily raised.