The Court of Miracles
Judgment had a gift. He knew the exact amount of aromatic brandy to mix with Hell's last cup of tea. I stole a sip to calm my own nerves before passing the warm beverage to our melancholy comrade. The three of us sat together on short stools analyzing a rather messy report concerning what was found in the smuggling caravans. The white powder was opium and Hell had identified the leaves as a type of nightshade. Nightshade was deadly when eaten, but when this variety was burned the smoke had similar addictive properties to opium.
"Poison," I muttered for the tenth time. I was torn between being horrified and impressed by the idea. "They're smuggling in poison that people are compelled to take themselves."
"A rather vindictive solution just for a perceived loss of profits," Judgment agreed. "I'll have to use some skillful wording in order to charge them with mass murder."
Had she been her usual self Hell would have slammed her fist on the wall and growled something like, "But we can't trace the profits! There's no proof!" and I would have replied in a saintly manner that it was only a matter of time. Judgment would have made a stealth pun about how crime doesn't pay and the three of us would forge forward to find a solution.
Hell was not her usual self.
Having completed her duty to the bare minimum Hell was content with just sipping and savoring the last of her tea. As much as I wanted to worry about the matter at hand, my mind kept dwelling on the fact that Hell was never on her last cup of tea. Granted I had used a liberal amount for a few baths, but she ordered a new shipment every month as soon as payday allowed. I cringed as I considered what "other expenses" she might have accumulated this month.
Hell paused briefly between sips at the mention of "murder", but soon resumed her steady pace of liquid consumption.
"It doesn't surprise me that you didn't know." Judgment tried to ease my mind by saying, "I had only just concluded my own investigation yesterday."
"What investigation?" I asked having had my fill of secret investigations. I was a little annoyed that my Holy Knights had made it a habit to conduct secret investigations on each other.
Judgment shrugged and replied cryptically, "Professional rivalry. I think we're even now."
Hell looked up at him and nodded. It hadn't exactly been a secret.
"Uh huh." I chose to ignore the brief exchange of subtext between them.
There was a long standing tradition among the Holy Knight lineages. Strictly speaking Judgment and I should be staunch rivals reflecting the bipolar- er, dichotomy of the God of Light. I preached about the warmth and gentleness of the God of Light and Judgment kept me from beating the holy teachings into the masses with bloody hosepipes. It worked out well for everybody, but it meant that we had to hold our special meetings in private. The most private venue in the Judge's complex was Judgment's personal lavatory.
In the last few decades there had been a few changes to the legal proceedings of the country. There were moral laws and country laws. If you break a country law such as forgetting to pay your taxes, rob a bank, or break window with ball you could expect to spend time in the city jail. If you broke a moral law you could either kill all the witnesses or be charged in the civil court.
Most of the time the church just drew up contracts of financial compensation. Very rarely the crime would be so terrible that they would be sentenced under the church law and then- well, it was nice knowing you. The church hadn't updated their punishments in a few centuries. I think they still authorized the use of hot pokers. In those cases the perpetrator would rather take their chances with jail time. As such a plaintiff in the civil court could appeal to be tried in the legal court and vice versa so instead of splitting the work between two courts as originally planned, now both courts had twice the work load. If I was lucky I could catch Judgment on his lunch break.
The only good thing that came out of the legal mess was Judgment spent more time sorting paperwork than using hot pokers and whips on people. This as a whole usually put him in a better mood than his predecessors.
"We've been trying to get a handle on the Court of Miracles for years," Judgment said.
"Court of Miracles?" I was unfamiliar with the term.
"A nickname for the city slums," Judgment clarified.
As far as he knew there was no honor among thieves, but in the slums of the capital young boys were called "Dukes" and girls were called "Princesses" (because girls were the better bread winners). It was a sort of "take that!" directed at the noble classes. However, begging was their main source of income and the more wretched one appeared to be the more generous their fellow citizens became. Children dressed up in bloody bandages to appear as if they were blind or lame or both. At the end of the day when their work was finished and money had been made they would return to the slums "completely healed". Hence it was called the "Court of Miracles".
Some of the more profitable ventures were run by shady fellows, but everyone paid tribute to the "King" who ruled the streets and kept his lowly citizens in order. Depending on whom the king was he could either pocket the tributes or do the honorable thing and redistribute the wealth accordingly. Usually there was an uneasy balance of power that occasionally broke out into a street war. Judgment would ride in just when the violence broke out only to find out that the entire population of beggars had vanished underground.
The "Court of Miracles" in particular had been hit hard by the influx of nightshade and opium mix. One person out three was hooked on the stuff and over half of those were women. Hell said she hadn't seen opium in years. It was previously hard to get a hold of, but Judgment confirmed it was used as a means of improving girls' performances in houses of ill repute (something deemed illegal by both the country and the church and was deeply frowned upon by me).
"The Pope will want to get moving on this," I mused. "The church can pressure parliament into passing a law under our jurisdiction."
"It's affecting the higher classes as well," Judgment noted and handed me another intelligence report. "It'll be hard to suppress if the nobles assist the smuggling trade."
I nodded.
Hell said nothing and I secretly wondered what it was she was thinking about.
"A girl?" Guifre Sun couldn't quite believe his ears and looked at me curiously. Well, at least I thought was was being stared at curiously. It was hard to tell when he was beaming at me. I shot an anxious look at my teacher.
"A girl." The 81st Hell Knight confirmed. "I think she'll be a good shadow for… Theo, was it? How does he seem to you?"
Sun smiled so brightly that I had to look away.
"Ah, I see." My teacher mused. "You'll have your work cut out for you then."
"And yourself?" Sun challenged.
My teacher flashed a steely grin.
"Bragging is unbecoming of a servant to the God of Light," Sun admonished gently.
I kept glancing back and forth between the two adults and got the distinct impression that they were saying one thing and meaning something else entirely. Then again I had been taught that all men, except father of course, were like that. If I had to make a guess at what the two were really saying it would have gone something like:
"A girl?"
"A girl."
"Are you nuts?!"
"Oh ho, and what about your student? Theo, was it? How does he seem to you?"
"He's a little shit. I'll have my work cut out for me. What about you?"
"I'm looking forward to an early retirement. Unlike you, I have a natural eye for talent."
"Lucky bastard. Are you sure you don't want to trade?"
But that was merely speculation on my part and so I dismissed the idea entirely.
"And do you accept?" Sun asked me directly this time.
I snapped back to reality and nodded shyly. I hadn't seen the Sun Knight up close before. The family wasn't exactly "religious" and often had to "work" on holidays. We got some of their biggest "shares" on holidays.
"A spy's life is not easy." My teacher reminded. "You'll have few friends and even fewer allies."
"It's okay." I told him glumly. "Do you know how many of my friends will live to see the next Knighting Ceremony? I did the math. Fewer than 1 in 20."
I saw that both adults flinched with a pang of guilt, but there wasn't anything they could do at this point. "Saving" one girl was enough to please their god, for now. The Sun Knight looked like he was having doubts so my teacher explained the set of events that had lead to his decision. "Gloria" hadn't even considered becoming a Holy Knight, after all. I hadn't really considered becoming anything except a day older.
The 81st Hell Knight explained that had narrowed his selection of candidates to eight boys. They were crafty lads, but he couldn't help having some misgivings about the choice. None of the boys as stood out as exceptional. He didn't expect the God of Light to send him a sign or anything, but he wanted some kind of reassurance that he had found "the one".
To compensate the Hell Knight decided to put the boys to one last test:
"Who knows what the Court of Miracles is?" He had asked, but none of the boys knew.
Of course they didn't know. Most of the boys were from an orphanage. There might have been a merchant's son or two mixed in, but none of them had seen the darker side of town. None of them knew the garden of misery that had staked a claim in the capital. Most of the decent citizenry averted their eyes and pretended the slums didn't exist, but Hell knew all about.
Some of his best spies had come from the "Court of Miracles". All he had to do was request some "special fertilizer" from the church budget and he had an entire army of eyes and ears ready at his disposal. This time, though, it was an old friend who was willing to do him a favor without accepting payment.
Hell Knight had known the slum's "king" for years. He knew the man even before a knee injury made the poor fellow retire as a knight. He had stayed in touch after the man's master kicked his family out on the streets. As an act of good will he would always buy information from the "king" first.
"Your task is to retrieve the amulet and make it out alive," Hell explained to the nervous bunch. If they were smart they would work together and watch each other's backs. Unfortunately, the lads were too competitive for their own good. After he finished giving them their instructions and showing them a map the Hell Knight left them alone and went to watch from afar.
Chaos ensued. The boys went off into all directions not thinking the task through first. One of the candidates knocked into a slum's child down causing the little girl to get a minor scrape on her knee.
"Hey! Watch it!" Someone shouted.
"You watch it!" the candidate shouted back and took off.
The children in the alley way tensed up, but one of the older kids cracks her knuckles.
"Easy, kids," she warned. "This one's mine. We have 'court manners' to consider after all."
The Hell Knight found the boy later covered in bruises, but he refused to say who had done the deed out of embarrassment. He was at the age where being beaten by a girl was too horrendous to even be considered. None of the boys had managed to retrieve the amulet. By the time they found the king, he had already given it to someone else with a rather amused looked on his face. Because of that everyone failed the test. It finally showed up in the hands of a skinny child wearing mismatched clothing and a clever look on her face.
"I thought you would ask me to heal your friend," Hell Knight mused.
I held on to the amulet tightly with the intent of using it as a hostage.
"Give a man a fish…"I replied. "Even knee scrapes can be deadly in the slums. Healers won't come even if we asked."
"Okay, if I teach you, what will you do then?" Hell Knight asked.
"I'll train to become a cleric," I replied confidently. "The king will let me go if I can show him that I have talent." (which was sort of true)
"And then?"
"I'd do what no one else will." I didn't even have to think about it. "I'd work in the slums and charge people next to nothing. I don't have to be famous or anything."
"It won't work," The Hell Knight warned. "You can't use holy magic because you don't believe in God."