18. Don't Try This At Home

Wolfwood took a long drag on his cigarette as he surveyed the scene before him. "Okay, explain it again, Tongari."

Vash groaned. "But I already told you what happened! C'mon, Wolfwood, aren't priests supposed to be merciful and all that?"

"Again, Vash. I wanna make sure I got it."

"Some friend you are…" Vash muttered. "Okay, fine. I was trying to cook myself an omelet. I had the eggs all ready, and I was going to put ham and cheese and-"

"I don't wanna know about your stupid omelet."

"Jeez, you know, you're a really hostile person! It's bad for your health."

"Tongari, I'm gonna be bad for your health if you don't get on with it!"

"All right, sheesh! Anyway, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted…" Wolfwood growled threateningly. "I was trying to cook myself breakfast. But I couldn't get the burner on the stove to light… and…" Vash trailed off.

"…And?" Wolfwood coaxed.

"You know, I think you're enjoying this."

"Now what kind of friend would I be if I missed a chance to exploit you for entertainment?"

"Isn't that a sin, Preacher Man?"

"Keep the Good Book out of this. What happened after that?"

Vash sighed. "I bent down to look at the burner, you know, to try and figure out why it wasn't working. But when I did, I kinda…caught my hair on fire."

Wolfwood snorted. "Kinda?"

"Yes, kinda, dammit!" Vash fingered his scorched locks regretfully. "It's not my fault that stove had a vendetta against me!"

"Un-huh. And I'm sure it wasn't the stove's fault that you use a shit-load of gel on your hair everyday either?"

"Well, the next time I run across fire-retardant hair gel, I'll be sure to stock up." Vash retorted sarcastically.

"Quit being a smartass and go on."

Vash muttered mockingly under his breath. "Well, seeing as my head was on fire, I looked around really quick for something to put myself out with. I was kinda limited in my options, so I grabbed the dish towel off the counter. But since I was panicking to say the least, I was a little clumsy-"

"Like there's a time when you're not?"

"-and I accidentally knocked over a bottle."

"And, for our educational benefit," Wolfwood said sarcastically, "Would you please tell the class what was in this bottle?"

Vash shuffled his feet in the dust. "well, it was…um, whiskey."

"Ah, whiskey! And what was a bottle of whiskey, opened no less, doing on the counter?"

"I was using it to cook with, okay?" Vash insisted. "It adds flavor!"

"…right. Then what?"

"Well, the bottle fell onto the stove, and since it was whiskey, and since the burner was on, and alcohol is kinda flammable…um…"

The four of them stood before the twisted and charred remains of their motel.

Millie had been watching the two's conversation with mild amusement. "Wow, Mr. Vash, you sure are a klutz! Too bad Sempai and I weren't able to get our suitcases out before the building collapsed!"

Meryl hadn't said anything. She was staring at the smoldering ruin, her hands clenched tightly at her sides. A vein was twitching dangerously on her forehead.

Wolfwood exhaled lazily. "You'd better run fast."

Vash let out a squeak. Then, with all possible dignity, he turned and ran like hell screaming down the street, with Meryl and her derringers in hot pursuit.