27. Justification

Vash had refused to leave Knives' side since he'd brought him back almost a week ago. Meryl was concerned about him, being cooped up in that dark bedroom all day. He was hardly eating, and she knew he wasn't sleeping. She had tried to get him to leave his post, even just for a little while. She had tried being demanding, and then worried, but Vash had just mumbled, "need to be here," and left it at that.

Meryl simply accepted that he wasn't going to budge, frowned tersely when appropriate, and did her best to make sure Vash didn't end up bedridden next to his brother. She brought him three meals a day, but would always find the tray untouched and cold later. He was ignoring the food as if it wasn't even there. Like he was ignoring her. After a few days, all that was exchanged between them were charged silences.

So when Vash finally spoke one evening when she arrived with dinner, Meryl was so shocked she almost dropped the tray.

"You know, I almost killed Knives once."

His voice was soft, but it seemed to be taking up the entire room. Meryl froze in place a few paces behind his chair, holding her breath, afraid that if she made the slightest sound, he would suddenly notice her presence and again lapse into silence. So she stood absolutely still and listened.

"It was a long time ago, just after the Great Fall. I waited until he was asleep and then I went and found a rock. I was going to use it to bash his head open. I was so angry with him… he had killed Rem, caused the ships to crash… I wanted him to suffer, to feel what it felt like to be betrayed. I wanted to hurt him like he had hurt me."

"I was right there. I was standing with the rock raised, poised above him. I could have done it, it would have been easy. But I didn't. In the end, I couldn't bring myself to do it. So I threw the rock to the ground before I could change my mind."

Suddenly, Meryl noticed that Vash was crying. His shoulders were shaking slightly, and there was a warble in his voice that made a pang shoot through her heart. She wanted to go to him, to wrap him in her arms and whisper that everything was going to be all right. But she couldn't. Meryl felt like she was intruding on an extremely private moment and that if she forced her presence, it would shatter. So she remained planted in place as Gunsmoke's most notorious outlaw broke down right in front of her.

"I've often wondered if I should have done it… if I should have just killed Knives. If I had, so many would have been saved. He's hurt so many… wouldn't that justify killing him? If I had, those people would have lived. If I had, my life would have been so much easier… but I just couldn't do it."

Vash's tears were now body-wrenching sobs. He curled into himself and cried with so much force that his breaths were coming in heaving gasps, his anguish causing Meryl's soul to physically ache. She squeezed her eyes shut against the sound, causing silent tears to stream down her cheeks.

"I just couldn't do it… I am such a coward…"

"No."

Meryl's voice startled even her. Vash's breath hitched in his throat, signaling that he'd heard her. Meryl accepted this as a reassurance and continued.

"No, Vash. You're not a coward. You're a good man. A good man who's taking care of his brother."

Vash never did turn to face her or make any other action to acknowledge her presence. But after her words, his tears came a little easier, a little quieter. He seemed to calm a little. Meryl wanted desperately to hug him, to hold him, to complete some sort of physical embodiment of the loving emotions that were filling her up. But she resisted, knowing that a display like that would ruin the moment before them.

So Meryl retreated, taking the tray and gently closing the door behind her.

Vash would let her know when he was ready.