Nearly an hour into the night, Gail sat at the bar waiting to pay out her tab. There was no way she was going to let Brian do it. After spending time with him, she could tell he was the kind of man that would pay out her bar tab then definitely expect her to repay him in return. She was already asking him for a ride home. She did not need him to start a bed tab on her. Gail thought about asking one of her roommates for a ride instead but they were all having so much fun. She hated the thought of ruining that. Plus they would want to babysit her and Gail Peck will not be babysat.
The aspect of the rest of the night took some of the energy out of Gail. The day had been a long one and the night was turning into the same. She was so tired she nearly missed the familiar scent that drifted pass her and settled to her side.
"It looks like someone needs a comfy chair and a fluffy pillow at her back."
Gail refused to look Holly's way. She knew what she was doing. She was just trying to be friendly. But Gail resisted. She was scared Holly would see the smile she was trying to hold back. It felt good to hear her voice. It felt physically good. Gail was surprised how one person's voice could change the atmosphere of the night for her. She had to remind herself that she was not ready to be on friendly terms with Holly, especially when Holly leaned against the bar, a grin plastered on her face.
"I see you're sharing your sour apple expression with the world." She studied Gail, slowly looking her up and down. "Hello grumpy pants."
"Did you just call me grumpy pants?" Gail asked with a frown.
"I did." Holly said with a well-executed nod. "And I liked it."
Gail shook her head. She would not give in to the desire to smile. If she smiled she would be opening a door and she was not sure she could handle it being closed back in her face.
"You're like a prisoner eyeing the door for escape, Gail." Holly's grin grew. "That's it. You put the cell in celebration."
"Holly," Gail massaged her forehead. "Just don't."
"Come on. That was good. Not my best. But it was still pretty good." The bartender set two drinks in front of Holly. She thanks him and paid for them. Gail looked at the drinks and felt her frown spread.
"I guess you're not leaving?"
"No." Holly confirmed. "But it looks like you are."
The bartender handed Gail her receipt, which did not go unnoticed by Holly.
"You even have someone waiting for you." Holly nodded toward Brian who stood by the door watching their conversation.
"Oh joy." Gail grimaced.
"I'm happy for you." Holly said as she cradled the drinks. Gail did not know how to take this version of Holly. The one who talked like she walked on clouds and the world was her oyster or any other of the clichés that ultimately meant someone was overly joyous. She was not ready for the Holly who crapped rainbows and forced them on the world. She turned hoping to convey emotional distance. Holly did not take the hint.
"That officer is really eyeing us now. He is definitely interested. It's good," Holly said her tone overly chipper. "It's good to see we have both moved on from our little phase."
"Excuse me?" Gail heard what Holly had said but she did not actually believe her ears. She eyed Holly from over her shoulder and noticed Holly would not meet her eyes.
"Care to clarify, Holly?"
"You know what I mean. Phases… Everyone goes through them. Lisa says you were my blue collar phase." Holly nodded towards the table where sat her date. "Rebecca is in acquisitions. I know it sounds like something a drug dealer would say. But apparently it's a legal profession and very profitable… if you care at all about being profitable. Actually who really can judge-"
"Holly, stop." Gail interrupted her rambling. It had to be rambling. Gail did not think for a moment Holly believed a word of what she was saying.
"And look at you," Holly's voice broke a bit. She tried to cover it by taking a quick sip of one of the drinks she held. Gail saw the small crack form in her chipper tone but said nothing.
"You seem happier. You've gone back to dating guys. And that one is pretty much a guy's guy." Holly scowled at Brian for a moment before turning back to Gail with her smirk solidly in place.
"He's all broad shoulders and big hands… super clown feet. Did he just jump off of a horse? He stands like he did. You may have found the last of the Canadian cowboys. Why are his feet so far apart? I guess it can't be that bad. You know what they say about clown feet."
"Holly…" Gail acted before her thoughts could stop her. She placed her hands on the rambling doctor's cheeks, cupping them in a gentle caress.
It was a simple move that Gail made often. Holly tended to blather on and Gail found watching the rapid movement of Holly's lips just made her think of better activities for them. She found she could stop Holly's tidal wave of words with a simple caress that usually ended in a kiss. She had done it so often it had become as natural as greeting a loved one with a hug. But that was before everything ended.
Still, as she gazed into Holly's eyes Gail saw a small spark of hope enter them and felt the need to reconnect with Holly overwhelm her. Gail took in everything that she had been missing since their break up. She inhaled Holly's fragrance, a scent that arouse her and energized her. She let the warmth of her skin comfort her. Before she realized it, a feeling of loneliness overtook her and she released Holly.
Holly was not hers to hold anymore. She was not hers to calm down. And despite Holly licking her lips in invitation, she was not Gail's to kiss anymore.
Gail stepped back, looking for space to reset the emotional wall she had quickly put in place after the break up. Maybe Holly's friends were right. Maybe they were too different. Gail knew her life had changed for the good because of Holly but Gail wondered if the same could be said about her in Holly's life.
Gail signed her receipt and quickly pocketed her copy. It was pass time to make her exit.
"I'm sorry, Holly," Gail said with more regret than her caress required. "I'm sorry for manhandling you."
"Manhandling is a strong word." Holly muttered. "Not to mention inaccurate." She sighed as she watched Gail grab her purse.
"Gail, I miss you being happy. I just want you to be happy." She once again gave her a bland smile. "With whoever."
Gail did not know if it was the words or the thought of Holly moving on and wanting her to do the same that angered her. The anger came too quick to rationalize. Raw emotion was rare for her. So rare that Holly would have noticed it immediately only she was looking away.
She tapped on Holly's shoulder. When she turned, Gail easily slipped one of the drinks from Holly's hand. In one flip of her wrist, she downed the drink and handed the empty glass back to her.
"You have new glasses." It was a simple statement, one that took Holly off guard.
"I know. That's not really important, your new glasses. Only you've also cut your hair. You've taken off about an inch. I'm assuming it was part of a makeover because I've never seen that outfit in your closet. It's nice. I'm not sure if I want to admire you in it or ask to borrow it."
Gail took out a twenty-dollar bill from her purse and placed it on the counter. She waved for the bartender.
"Why am I saying all of this? I'll tell you why, Holly. Because you moved on. Not me. You. You got your new glasses… your new hair… your new outfit… your new girlfriend. If our relationship was a phase, it was your phase. Not mine. You want my happiness? Why? You want to be friends?!" Gail sighed suddenly more tired than she had felt earlier. More tired than she had felt in her entire life.
"I don't know how to let people in. And because of that, I make mistakes. I made a big mistake with you." Gail steeled herself as she took the empty glass from Holly.
"But you moved on, Holly. You with your new glasses."
Gail handed the empty glass to the bartender along with the twenty-dollar bill. She wanted to leave without looking at Holly one last time. But she could not deny herself. She looked and immediately regretted it. How could she not when the last vision she thought she'd see of Holly would be of her ex with tears forming in her eyes? Gail had been harsh. But harsh was who she was without Holly. She added that to the reasons Holly's friends might have been right about her.
"Goodnight, Holly." She allowed herself to lean into Holly for a moment but before Holly could respond, Gail stepped back. She quickly walked to Brian and walked out of The Penny. Gail saw the questions in Brian's eyes but ignored them. She did not want to talk. She wanted to get the hell out of there.
She felt the finality in her goodbye. The pain in her chest was back three-folds. She climbed into Brian's truck and wanted to cry. She promised herself she would when she was alone. She would cry and eat fatty things. Oh, and she would empty every liquor bottle that was unlucky enough to land near her.
Holly had moved on. She had made it clear. In return, Gail had snapped at her and pushed her away. Its not that she did not want Holly to be happy. She just did not want to see it when it was with someone else. She could admit that to herself.
The ride back to Gail's home was quiet with Brian stealing a look or two as he drove. Finally he parked in front of her building but stopped her before she could get out.
"The girl in the bar…"
"I will not be speaking about the girl in the bar." Gail answered with a finality dripping from each word.
"You know what, Gail." Brian groaned in frustration. "You're beautiful. I mean it. You're hot on the outside."
"Let me guess," Gail interrupted him. "But I'm cold on the inside."
Her head tilted with the expectation of a lame argument creeping in.
"No," Brian said quietly. "You're closed off. I'd say you have the emotional accessibility of a blowup doll but even a blowup doll has some accessibility."
"Oh, how nice." Gail let the sarcasm keep her from caring. "You know what, Brian. You're not the first person to tell me I'm cold. And you won't be the last. This however is the last time I will care what you think about my personal life."
"Good. Then let me say this while it counts." Brian's face went firm. His expression for the first time tonight showed his years as a veteran police officer.
"Whoever that girl was... the one who shall go unspoken about... you were idiot to leave her tonight. You know you usually give off the warmth of a broken freezer. But tonight, you radiated with her. I watched. You actually radiated."
Gail hopped out of the truck, escaping the conversation the best she could.
"Too much radiation kills, Brian."
"So does the cold, Gail." And with that, Brian bid farewell and drove off into the night.
Gail scoffed at Brian's so-called concern for her emotional wellbeing. He was just upset she was not insecure enough to sleep with him. Still she could not make herself move from that spot. Did she really radiate with Holly? Despite her trying to keep her emotions in control? Then how did they look when their emotions were opening on display?
The question haunted Gail as she went inside and got ready for bed. She could picture Holly climbing into her own bed, curling up next to Miss Acquisition. The thought made Gail sit up and grab her phone. Maybe what she needed was a sign, a simple sign to tell her if she should fight or stay away. She thought about calling Holly but immediately dismissed the idea when she thought of her tears. If a sign were coming her way it would not come tonight. Or maybe it had. She thought about the pain she had inflicted tonight. Maybe that was the sign to back off.
Gail sighed as she placed her phone back on her nightstand. It vibrated startling her. She carefully picked it up, wondering who could be reaching out at this time of night. She thought about her friends still at the bar. Maybe one of them needed help.
She pressed the home button and watched the screen light up. It was a text message. Gail opened it and for the first the entire night she truly smiled.
The text read: "So tell me. How do you really feel of my new glasses?"
She put down the phone and leaned back into bed. She did not know what the short text message meant. But for some unknown reason, it allowed her to sleep peacefully that night.