Gail took the steps leading the second floor of Holly's place slowly, going through in her mind the points she wanted to get across tonight. She was left with a lot of time to think since their breakup. She had, of course, spent most of it drinking and moping. But a fair amount had also been spent on analyzing the events that led to her being alone. Gail was not the biggest believer in self-analysis, but even she would admit it was sometimes needed.
Her hopes for tonight were high. She finally understood the problem she faced was not one that could not be fixed with a simple request for forgiveness. She was already pretty sure Holly had forgiven her for walking out, maybe even for her callous words. There was more to it, and she had to find out what.
Gail took a deep breath as she stepped into the upstairs bathroom. To her surprise, it was empty. The items Holly would need to clean and rewrap her wrist were usually kept in a bathroom. Gail doubted Holly had meant her office. There was only one other option. She looked down the hall and saw the door to Holly's bedroom was open and the light was on.
Gail walked to the end of the hallway and stuck her head inside the bedroom's entrance. She did not see Holly, but she could hear the doctor mumbling from inside of her closet. She scanned the room, taking in the personal pictures and the art placed strategically on the light tan walls. There were also books strewn about where there would otherwise be empty space. No paperbacks Gail noted, not for the first time.
Against the main wall, a California king size bed sat covered in a cream-colored duvet, drowning in pillows. The enormous bed looked formidable, as if a person could lie down and disappear into it.
"Oh!" Holly exclaimed as she walked out of her closet and noticed Gail. She clutched a first aid kit close to her. "You surprised me."
"You said to follow you." Gail replied, entering the room.
"Yeah… I needed to get supplies." Holly's words drifted off as Gail made herself comfortable on her large bed.
"You keep your first aid kit in your closet?"
"Is that strange?" Holly leaned over the bed and laid out the items from the first aid kit next to Gail.
"If you have to ask Holly, the answer is usually a yes." Holly stared at Gail for a moment, confusion playing across her face.
"Are we answering the kit question or the strange one?"
"What?" The odd question threw Gail. She leaned in and intensely eyed Holly.
"Holly," Gail asked slowly, "are you drunk?"
"No," Holly quickly responded, then sighed. "I don't know. I'm probably on the edge. It's been that kind of night. I need coffee."
She walked briskly to the door. "I'm getting coffee. Would you like some?"
"I'm good." Gail frowned. Holly looked at Gail longingly, before shaking herself out of her thoughts. With a nod, she walked out.
"This is going great," Gail muttered as she found herself alone in Holly's room. She wondered what had caused Holly's need to lose herself in alcohol tonight. She remembered when she was in this bedroom the last time, she had been not only completely drunk, but also drenched and leaning on Holly for support. While it sounded like the end of a wild night, or the beginning of one depending on your mindset, it had been completely innocent. Holly had led Gail to her room so she could sleep off the madness of the day. Or so Holly had said. Then their make out session had resumed.
Gail wanted to go further with the kisses that started in the bathroom, but her strict little girlfriend had taken a step back. She calmly shared how she was unsure of Gail's mental state because of the shooting and the impromptu haircut. The vodka did not help matters. She did not want Gail to regret the night any more than she already did. When Gail had later awoken, Holly had already left for work. That was then.
Should Gail now be that person with restraint for Holly tonight? The thought brought a deep frown to her face. Gail was not good at restraint. That was why she had the eating habits of a six year old and always said what was at the top of her mind. She did not want to learn restraint tonight.
Gail's attention turned to the door. She had been left alone with her thoughts for too long. Holly's room did not have a clock, another strange factoid that Gail stored away. She was not sure how long she had been waiting for Holly but it felt like much longer than a cup of coffee required. Maybe she needed some help? She stood as Holly walked through the room.
"I'm sorry," Holly quickly apologized as she stopped sharply at the door, holding a steaming cup of coffee. "I'm feeling much better now."
Gail nodded and sat back down. Holly put the hot cup on the dresser and went back to laying out the first aid items on top of the bed. The air around them filled with awkward silence. Finally she looked up and shared a ghost of a smile with Gail.
"Let's take a look at your wrist."
Holly grabbed an iron trash can from the side of the room and flipped it over, emptying its content. She sat it upside down in front of Gail and sat on it. She reached for Gail's injured wrist.
"Does it hurt?"
Holly lifted Gail's injured wrist and held it closely to her, examining the cut that was about the length of a finger. Her right knee brushed Gail's left knee as she moved. It was a small movement, but it caused a tingle throughout Gail's body. She did her best to ignore it.
She could have easily ended the contact by sliding to the right just an inch, but Gail did not want to end the contact. She did not want to end the sensation of being touched by Holly, even if it was as small as their knees brushing. It had been too long since she was privy to Holly's touches. She did not want to walk away from it now.
"Gail?" Holly asked firmly. Gail's eyes lifted, giving Holly her attention.
"What?"
"Does it hurt?"
"No. Well, yes." Gail said quietly. She then let out a long, saddened sigh. "But I've had worse. I've had worse hurts."
Holly paused, not knowing what to make of that answer. Gail's glance met Holly's and she immediately knew what the cop meant by worse hurts. Having not one helpful reply, she turned back to examining the cut.
Gail angled her body to make it easier for Holly to access it. The tingle in her body grew as Holly continued to stroke the injury. As Holly leaned in closer to it, her soft exhale joined her stroke. For Gail, it was like an extra caress. The closeness was beginning to get to her. It was becoming too much for her to ignore. Gail needed a distraction. She did not expect her lips to start moving or the words that came out of them.
"Our break up has been very enlightening." Gail blurted. Holly lifted her eyes from her examination of the injured wrist, her eyebrows raised.
"Enlightening? That's one way to put it." Holly shrugged and put Gail's wrist on her knee. She took out antiseptic wipe and began to tend to it. Gail felt the sting of the cool wipe.
Gail groaned silently. This was not how she had wanted to begin their conversation. But at least it was a beginning. She decided to quit stalling and go full speed ahead.
"I've learned some things since it happened. About myself. About you."
Holly smiled inwardly as Gail paused, trying to get her thought together.
"Go on. I am intrigued and wish to be enlightened."
"Holly, you don't have to sound like a Jane Austen novel." Gail said grumpily.
"You've read Jane Austen?" Holly smiled, her interest peaked.
"I'm sure it was for a class or something at the university," Gail hastily recovered. She cleared her throat. "Anyway., I have had time to learn plenty of things."
"For instance," she continued, keeping her eyes intentionally on Holly. "I don't like seeing you with someone else. And I don't like you liking me with someone else."
She heard Gail slow "hmm" as she grabbed a bandage from the bed.
"Believe me, Gail. I don't like it."
"You play it off well."
Holly's ghost of a smile was back though her eyes stayed on the injury.
"I've had my fair share of having to play it off in my life. I guess I've gotten good at it."
"You're not at all perfect." Gail once again blurted, then groaned. Holly's hand stilled at the statement, then went back to wrapping Gail's wrist. Gail immediately continued.
"I mean you are not good with relationships." Gail stopped again. She figured this conversation would be hard but not this hard. Gail exhaled and tried again.
"I mean I know that you jump into them. You like to think its serious but you know they are not. You seem to not like the serious." Holly sat back as Gail rambled, an incredulous look on her face.
"And who shared that information with you?
"It does not matter." Gail said, shaking her head. "I'm just going over the facts of the case."
"I'm the case!" Holly exclaimed. Gail shook her head and stood, reprimanding herself for handling this wrong. She really was a good cop. She was good. This awkward conversation must be because of Holly. Gail looked at Holly and desperately tried again.
"Steve thinks we need to get over ourselves." Shit! Gail started pacing the room. The bandage tape on her arm swung as she moved around.
"He was talking to me. But I think he was talking to you too."
Holly frowned, confused with the change in subjects.
"And why does Steve think I'm under myself?" Gail made a face before turning swiftly to Holly.
"Because this breakup is stupid."
"Don't mince your words, Gail." Holly looked away, swallowing hard.
"Holly, what happened wasn't worth more than a night's fight. Maybe chocolate and flowers in the morning?"
"Chocolates and flowers from you or me?"
"I'm an equal opportunity kind of girl." Gail chuckled. "We both can do it."
Holly leaned against the bed. It was a better position to see Gail. Gail took another deep breath. She looked down at Holly sincerely, sadness darkening her eyes.
"The thing is I walked away. I let it drag out. And then I let you walk away. And really, it's all so stupid." Gail ran her fingers shakily through her hair. She had not want to reveal so much much. But at that moment seeing the questions on Holly's face changed her mind.
"When I heard what you were saying that night—"
"No," Holly interrupted. "When you overheard what Lisa was saying—"
"Yeah, whatever."
"It's a big difference, Gail."
"Whatever. Holly, let me get this out." Gail pleaded. Holly nodded, her entire focus on Gail. Gail exhaled and tried again.
"Well, it brought back bad feelings. You know... Past feelings." She looked to Holly for help. The doctor immediately understood.
"Insecurities." Holly explained in one word. Gail sighed in relief.
"Yeah. I know Nick and Chris… even Steve sometimes... they think I'm some robot. But I'm not. Just because its not easy for me to put my heart out there, it does not mean I don't have one."
"You have amazingly big heart." Holly immediately reassured.
"Then why didn't you tell her that? Or describe me better than fun?"
Holly looked away, as if she was searching for an answer. Slowly she stood and wrapped her arms around herself.
"You are not the only one with insecurities, Gail. You are not the only one dealing with others' preconceived notions." She exhaled softly. "I don't like confrontations. Its one of the reasons why we don't argue."
"Really? I figured it was because I usually just gave in." Gail ruefully admitted. Holly smiled.
"That helps. But not everyone gives into me."
"They should try it. It comes with some really great benefits." Holly chuckled. She approached Gail, grabbing her her wrist and securing the tape on it. After she was finish, she did not let go her hand.
"I wanted so badly for the night to be great." Holly whispered. It seemed the statement was more for herself than Gail. "For them to see how great you are. See the you I feel so deeply for."
Gail lifted Holly's chin with her finger, bringing Holly's glance up to meet her own.
"But I walked away." Holly's lips did a slight, painful upturn.
"But you walked away."
"And I hurt you." Her small smile disappeared.
"Yes, you did."
Gail looked at her ex-girlfriend, really looked. She watch the changing emotions on her face and came to a slow realization.
"You think we've made some kind of precedent. You think it's always going to go back to that, to me walking away and hurting you."
Holly stepped back, breaking connection with Gail.
"I think you're not ready. It's been a lot on you really. It's like turning an epic before the first chapter is even finished."
"Really, Holly?" Gail scoffed. Holly chuckled, then frowned.
"Maybe I'm the one not ready." She looked at Gail, searching her gaze. Gail's eyebrows went up, startled with the unexpected confession. She replayed their break up and the following moments. She was struck with an epiphany.
"Holly, are you punishing me for falling in love with me?"
Holly looked at Gail, shocked to her very being. She did not look as if she even knew how to respond.
Luckily for her, she did not have to. Because at that moment, Holly and Gail heard the very loud and very slurred scream of Holly's name from Lisa, who was downstairs. Gail thought to ignore it, but when the second call went out Holly took measures into her own hand. With a frustrated sigh, she headed out the door. Gail quickly followed.
"Rachel, I thought I asked you to make sure Lisa drinks coffee," Holly yelled as she came down the steps. "Lisa, what do you-"
Gail heard Holly freeze before she saw the reason why. Standing at the front doorway was Lisa and Rachel. They were holding the door open for a tall, lean brunette with shoulder-length hair and bangs. It was Holly's current someone else. Gail rolled her eyes cursing the heavens and Rebecca from the bar.
Before you yell at me, let me tell you the second part is already finished and will be posted tonight. I just want your thoughts at how you think their conversation is going. Too much?
this chapter is extremely long which is why it's broken up into two pieces.