NOTE: Here it is...everyone's favorite challenge. It's PHOBIA FACTOR time!
Chris stood on the docks at midnight, facing the camera, "Last time on Total Drama Fire And Ice, we had an acting challenge where contestants took on the role of Lion King characters. Clark cried like the pathetic weird furry he was and got zapped and Fred went off script. Janessa ragequit and Philip suffered an asthma attack from stage fright. What a pussy! Haha. In the end, the birds lost with their trainwreck of a performance and Janessa pulled a Scott on Yumi and sabotaged her out of the game. Yumi was clown and out and the third camper voted off the island but not before creating a flashy fireworks display saying that Janessa sucks. Now 13 unlucky campers remain. What will happen now that the clown is gone? Will Billy cry like a baby? Find out now, only on Total Drama Fire And Ice!"
* I wanna be famous theme song*
In the male's side of the Frosty Ferrets cabin, Tanner's eyes snapped open and he peered across the room to see Clark sitting cross-legged on the bottom bunk in some sort of meditative state. He could make out a faint chittering noise coming from Clark that was somewhat drowned out by Fred's loud snoring. Suddenly, Clark opened his eyes and his pupils had a strange, nocturnal glow to them. Tanner blinked a few times and rubbed his eyes for about 6 seconds. When he opened them, he saw Clark nuzzling against his Sly Cooper plushie. The doctor took a deep breath.
TANNER (CC): Did Clark's eyes just...tapetum lucidum? And those noises he made. No...it can't be. Fred's snoring has been keeping me up to the point where I've started seeing things. But still...I wonder...
Hours later, the sun rose on Camp Wawanakwa and Fred sprung awake, banging a pot with a spoon loudly, "LOOK ALIVE, SOLDIERS! WE'RE GOING TO DO OUR NEXT CHALLENGE!"
Clark rubbed the sleep from his eyes, "Yeah, just so you know, Fred. You're not the host of this show."
"SHUT UP, WEIRD RACCOON KID AND GO BACK TO YOUR GIRLY SEWING!" Fred shot back.
Tanner let out a loud yawn, "The Burning Birds lost last time, I wonder who they kicked off."
Clark shrugged, "I wouldn't be surprised to see Janessa gone. I mean, all she did was complain about everything being too mainstream and she called everyone sheep and even quit the challenge."
Suddenly, Billy burst through the door with tears rolling steadily down his face, he climbed up to his bunk above Clark's bed, buried his face into his pillow and sobbed.
Tanner let out a sigh, "I guess that answers our question."
TANNER (CC): I know Billy is sad that Yumi's gone but on the bright side, there's no more clown on the island.
Instantly, Fred sprung up from bed and climbed up the bunk that Billy and Clark shared, grabbed Billy off the top bunk and threw him to the ground, "MEN DON'T CRY! STOP FAKE CRYING! ONLY BABIES AND WOMEN CRY! ESPECIALLY BABY-WOMEN!"
Suddenly, Clark grabbed Fred off the ladder with all his strength and pinned him to the wall, "I am FED UP with you're SENSELESS bullying of Billy! Just because he likes baseball gives you NO RIGHT to whip him into a fighting machine against his WILL. So you WILL STOP this instant or so help me God, I WILL MAUL you!"
Fred started whimpering, "mommy...mommy...get the scawwy waccoon away fwum me..."
Tanner blinked a few times, "I think you broke him, Clark. Good job putting him in his place."
Clark smiled, "Thanks. By the way, why are you so scared of clowns?"
Tanner shook his head, "It's a very personal and scarring story and I'd rather not talking about it. Brings back bad memories. Worst day of my childhood. By the way, is there anything you're scared of, Clark?"
Clark nodded, "Giant squid give me the chills."
Tanner raised an eyebrow, "Funny, I thought you were really into nature and animals."
Clark shook his head, "Squid are a completely different story for me. The creepy eyeballs, the tentacles. I feel uneasy if I stumble across any tentacle porn pics on FurAffinity. There's just something so terrifying and alien about squid to me."
Billy sniffled back his salty tears and joined in on the conversation, "I'm scared of Jack O Lanterns. Ever since my big sister told me the Legend Of Sleepy Hollow, I stopped going trick or treating because I was afraid the pumpkins would come to life and cut my head off. I don't even eat pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving cause of it."
Fred just laughed, "SCARED OF PUMPKINS? WHAT A WUSS! THAT'S ALMOST AS BAD AS BEING SCARED OF SANTA CLAUS!"
Clark rolled his eyes, "You think you're so tough, Fred. Aren't you afraid of anything? You know, like a good mauling?" The furry retracted his claws and left a good, long set of scratch marks on the wall of the cabin.
Tanner's blood ran cold, "Uhhhh...Clark, did you just?"
Clark shrugged, "My nails? They've always been like this. Why do you ask, Tanner?"
Tanner just shook his head rapidly, "Nevermind."
Billy cleared his throat a little, "You know, whenever I get scared, I go to the diner and drink a nice, chocolate milkshake to help calm me down."
Fred suddenly looked terrified, "DON'T SAY IT!"
Billy blinked, "Say what?"
"THE M WORD! I HATE IT! IT'S REALLY GROSS AND CREEPY AND IT COMES FROM GIRLY GIRL COWS AND NOT FROM MANLY MAN COWS!" Fred shouted.
Tanner scratched his head, "Milk?"
"I TOLD YOU NOT TO SAY IT, PHARMACY NERD!" Fred shouted at Tanner.
"You can't even enjoy a bowl of cereal in the morning?" Clark asked Fred.
Fred crossed his arms, "NO, I EAT GUNPOWDER FLAVORED STEAK FOR BREAKFAST WHILE I WRESTLE A BEAR CAUSE IT IS MANLY!"
Tanner raised an eyebrow, "Ooookay, then."
CLARK (CC): Fred. Afraid of milk. Because it comes from female cows? Freud would have a field day with this guy!
BILLY (CC): Gee whiz, that's actually a really lame fear.
FRED (CC): THE MAJOR FOOD GROUPS FOR MEN ARE BULLETS, GUNPOWDER, STEAK AND BEEF JERKY! ONLY WOMEN EAT VEGETABLES AND ONLY FAT WOMEN EAT SWEETS!
Meanwhile, on the girls' side of the Frosty Ferrets cabin, Ether let out a loud, earsplitting shriek, waking up Mary and Chelsea. She pointed to where a rat was scampering across the floor, "A rat! A rat! Kill it! Kill it! Kill it!"
Mary rolled her eyes, "You woke us up for THAT? Seriously, Ether. It's just a cute little rat. It's not like it will grab a steak knife and stab you to death in your sleep. Leave it be."
Ether shivered a bit, "But, it's a rat and rats are evil and the spawn of Satan!"
Mary shook her head, "The Spawn Of Satan that happens to make one of the coolest pets. I had a good friend who kept pet rats. They were actually very clean and a lot of fun to play with."
"Was he a Satanist?" Ether asked, shivering.
Mary shook her head, "No, he was Catholic, actually. Just because someone has a creepy animal as a pet doesn't make them a devil worshipper."
Suddenly, Ether whipped an emery board out of her purse and started using it to file her nails. Mary blinked, "What are you doing?"
"I always file my nails when I'm nervous." Ether admitted.
Mary blinked again, "Well, could you please stop doing it with THAT thing? Emery boards make my skin crawl, I hate them and the texture makes me want to throw up. I can't stand be be in the same room as someone filing their nails with one. Can you please file your nails outside or better yet, use a metal file instead?"
"Sorry." Ether shook her head, "I'll go out and file them away from you."
And so, the religious girl left the cabin and Mary turned to face Chelsea, "You know, this makes me wonder, is there anything you're scared of, Chelsea?"
"IReallyReallyReallyHatePorcelainDollsOneTimeWhenIWasLittleIMetMyAuntForTheVeryFirstTimeAndSheHadASuperBigCollectionOfCreepyPorcelainDollsInHerClosetAndTheyWereAllStaringAtMeAndTryingToEatMySoulItWasMegaScary!" Chelsea explained.
Mary blinked, "I'm not a big fan of porcelain dolls myself. They're way too girly for my taste but I'm not afraid of them."
"ThereWasThisOneThatLookedALotLikeEtherAndISwearTheThingWasPureEvil." Chelsea replied rapidly.
"You realize dolls can't hurt you and that's only in Hollywood, right Chelsea?" Mary asked.
Chelsea nodded, "IKnowButTheyStillSeriouslyGiveMeTheCreeps."
Mary just groaned, "It's gonna be a looooong day..."
MARY (CC): Emery boards are completely vile, okay? Whoever invented them, I'd be more than happy to smash his or her face in with my guitar.
ETHER (CC): Redwall is furfag stories but even I agree with it that rats are evil.
CHELSEA (CC): CantSleepDollsWillEatMeCantSleepDollsWillEatMeCantSleepDollsWillEatMe...
Meanwhile, the females on the Burning Birds cabin had just gotten up but it was just Luna and Olga as they had locked Janessa out of the cabin for the night. Suddenly, an angry Janessa started banging on the door, "Let me in, yo! I had to sleep outside with those stupid bugs last night!"
JANESSA (CC): Man, yo. My teammates be uncool sheep, I had to sleep outside just cause I cheated mainstream clown girl out of the game. Damn moths, creepy as hell and drive me crazy, yo. Imma practice a new slam on why my team sucks...
Olga just giggled, "We let you in but only if Janessa say sorry."
"Screw that, yo. Apologies are for uncool mainstream sheep. I'm too cool for that!" Janessa replied from the other side.
Olga shrugged, "Then we no let you in, right Luna?"
Luna nodded, "Of course. By the way, Janessa, I moved Midnight's litterbox on your bed so your bed smells like cat urine now!"
"YOU DID WHAT?!" Janessa pounded from the other side, "NOT COOL, DADDY-O! I don't need no mainstream witch's cat stinkin' up my bed!"
"If it makes you feel better, I trained her to fart on your pillow." Luna replied.
"Awwww, hell no! Stupid Macbeth Republican soccer mom Halloween witch-sheep. I'll write a really REALLY nasty slam about you, dawg. Just you wait!" Janessa shouted from the other side. Olga and Luna burst out laughing and high fived each other.
LUNA (CC): Republican soccer mom? What on Earth is she babbling on about? Oh well, Midnight left some butt-chocolate for her as a gift. I hope she likes it in her coffee!
OLGA (CC): Yumi may go but Luna Olga's friend. We make good team together. Janessa stand no chance!
Luna cleared her throat and spoke up, "By the way, Olga. I was thinking. You're pretty strong and brave. Isn't there anything that you're afraid of?"
Olga nodded, "Me no like see-through up and down thingies where you step in and go up."
Luna blinked, "Glass elevators?"
Olga blinked, "Is that what thingies called? Olga no like them. Go up too high, see ground way way below, people look like ants. Feel sick. What Luna scared of?"
"Holy water." Luna replied, "I'm a witch and I start melting if I get it on me. I have a good reason to be scared of it."
"Were you scared of it before witch?" Olga asked.
"Not really, no. The witchy darkness corrupted my soul and now I'm allergic to holy water. Go fig." Luna replied, "Funny thing is, I have a strong immune system so most toxic plants don't even faze me."
Meanwhile, on the boys' side of the Burning Birds cabin, Philip and Theo were cleaning out the cabin together. Philip was changing the sheets from his bed while Theo used a broom to sweep the thumbtacks out of the cabin. The knight turned to Philip and smiled, "Thy traps hath been swept away. It is safe to cometh down."
Philip smiled, "Good, I really hate sharp, pokey things like tacks. Porcupines are pretty annoying, too. But the worst? Saguaro cacti. Just looking at one sends chills down my spine."
Theo blinked, "Cacti?"
"You know, they're these hundred year old green plants covered in thorns with big, long arms. I had a pretty bad encounter with one when I was little." Philip replied.
"What happeneth to thou?" Theo asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Well, one time my family took a trip to the Grand Canyon and I got lost from my parents. I ran around, trying to look for them and bumped face first into a saguaro cactus. Next thing I know, I have needles stuck in my face and I look up and see this big, scary, green thorny tree towering over me. It scared me so bad and I was crying so hard and loud that I alerted a park ranger. He took me back to my parents and they rushed me to the hospital. The doctors had to use credit cards to scrape the needles off my face. There was a lot of blood and I nearly had an asthma attack from the panic." Philip explained, "Ever since then, I've been terrified of cactus, especially large ones."
Theo shivered, "That soundeth like a painful story, Sir Philip. Me? I don't feareth dragons cause my armor is fireproof. But wolves? They are very terrifying! Wolves travel in packs unlike dragons and unlike dragons, they goeth for thine throat. Wolves be a ruthless bunch."
Suddenly, Adam burst in the door and his whole body smelled like tomato juice, "Sure hope I got the skunk scent offa me. I hear the girls locked Janessa outta the cabin. If ya ask me, she had it comin' to her."
Philip smirked a little, "Serves her right for framing one of our strongest players."
Theo turned to Adam, "By thine way Sir Adam, what doth you fear? I'm afraid of wolves and Sir Philip is afraid of thine cactus plants. What doth your fear be?"
"The sight an smell of blood makes me sick to may stomach." Adam admitted, "Makes me wanna vomit an I can't watch most slasher flicks or even get mah blood drawn cause of my fear."
"So, I take it you don't like vampire novels, do you?" Philip asked.
Adam shook his head, "Twilight is the worst, literary garbage is what it is."
Philip nodded, "Yeah, I've always found the idea of sparkly vampires to be pretty dumb."
Theo scratched his helmet, "I hath no idea vampires sparkled? I always thought they were dark creatures of thy night."
"Well, it ain't vampires that creep me out so much as blood itself. I just can't handle the stuff." Adam replied, frowning.
PHILIP (CC): Cacti, wolves and blood...what an interesting bunch of fears we have...
THEO (CC): All thine nightmares happeneth to be about wolves...
ADAM (CC): Ah hate havin' mah blood drawn. They gotta blindfold me BEFORE they jab the needle in me!
Suddenly, Chris Maclean's voice blared over the loudspeaker, "13 unlucky campers remain. Report to the mess hall and after breakfast, I'll explain your challenge."
The 13 campers all filed into the mess hall and Billy sighed and hung his head, "It's just not a camp anymore without Yumi..."
Tanner placed his hand on Billy's shoulder, "It's okay, Billy. She'd want you to go on. Everything will be all right, okay?"
Janessa suddenly smirked and walked up to Billy, "Crying cause you miss your clown-sheep honey, eh? Must be dragsville for you, Billy."
Luna suddenly appeared from behind Janessa and slapped the back of her head, "Why don't you make yourself useful for once and stop whining and playing those stupid bongos?"
Mary nodded, "It's none of my business but Luna has a point, Janessa. If you were on our team, you'd get voted off pretty fast."
Janessa rolled her eyes, "Like I even care, sheeple hair metal glam rock girl. Why don't you start playing acid jazz instead of that 80s radio trash."
Mary shrugged, "Because I find acid jazz boring. It just doesn't have the energy to make me dance. No catchy choruses, no heavy metal guitar solos. If you ask me, acid jazz is stoner music."
Janessa just gasped, "Take. That. Back."
Mary folded her arms, "Make me, you coffee-sipping bitch."
Suddenly, Janessa lunged at Mary but soon found herself overpowered when the taller girl put her into a headlock and shoved her to the ground. "YAY, CATFIGHT!" Fred cheered, "I LOVE IT WHEN TWO SALAD EATERS GET INTO A FIGHT!"
Clark simply replied by punching Fred in the arm. Theo ran up and got between Mary and Janessa, "Now thy maidens behave thineselves. No one will die-eth on my watch."
Mary and Janessa caled down and the beatnik glared at the rocker, "I WILL crush you when the merge comes, you Joan Jett poser. Mark my words."
Mary just chuckled a bit, "If you even make it that far, which I doubt you will. And by the way, I model my physical image after Alissa White-Gluz, not Joan Jett. Learn your rockers, you Judy Funnie knockoff." Janessa simply flipped Mary off and returned to the Burning Birds table.
Just then, Chris walked into the mess hall and faced the 13 campers, "I hope you've all enjoyed breakfast because this time, you're all going to face your worst fears!"
Philip blinked, "What exactly are you talking about?"
"Well, you see, there are hidden cameras in your cabins and they caught your conversations so we all know everything you say and do. Luna, interesting idea to make an elixir with your cat's urine and Clark, I get a good laugh when you jerk off to your Rocket Raccoon comics while everyone else is asleep."
Clark blushed and let out a shocked gasp, "Wait, WHAT?!"
Mary put her hand on Clark's shoulder, "It's okay, Clark. I understand. I've had my own share of naughty thoughts involving fictional characters..."
CHRIS (CC): Singling out fat campers like Clark and Luna is SO much fun!
ETHER (CC): Yiff in hell, Clark!
MARY (CC): Was that REALLY necessary?
Billy shivered a bit, "Gee whiz, so you were listening in on us?"
Chris nodded, "Of course I was."
Chelsea squealed with joy, "CouldYouPleaseSendMeSomeStillsOfTheSurveillanceFootageOfTheNakedCampersSoICouldPostItUpOnMyDeviantartAccountDedicatedEntirelyToNudity?"
Chris shivered a bit, "You are one sick little perv, Chelsea. And no, I won't send you naked freeze frames of your fellow campers for the sake of art. Anyway, Clark, I heard you're afraid of giant squid. I have an aquarium tank out back and I have a friend named Mister Tentacles who would LOVE to meet you. He loves the taste of nerds, ESPECIALLY furries! Olga, it's a good thing I've got a glass elevator installed at my mansion because you're gona ride it! Billy, it's trick or treating time. And Tanner, I've got a special present for you!"
Chris clicked a button on his remote and Japanese Ronald McDonald appeared on the TV, "Hambaga, Hambaga, Ran Ran RUUUUUUUU!"
"NOOOOOOO!" Tanner shouted as he gazed in horror at the clown on the TV.
TANNER (CC): What have we gotten ourselves INTO?
"Your challenge starts in 10 minutes. I'm going to go make a few adjustments. You guys wait right here and I'll be back." Chris spoke before exiting the mess hall while laughing maniacally.
JANESSA (CC): I gotta face moths AGAIN? Uncool, daddy-o!
To recap, here are the fears each contestant must face:
Adam - Blood
Billy - Jack-o'-lanterns
Chelsea - Porcelain dolls
Clark - Giant squid
Ether - Rats
Fred - Milk
Janessa - Moths
Luna - Holy water
Mary - Emery boards
Olga - Glass elevators
Philip - Saguaro cactus
Tanner - Clowns
Theo - Wolves