© rairawrskazu 2014

Bipolar

✖ ℓυcч ✖

My vacation's over... And still, my father, though I was gone for a month... he decides to go on a bussiness trip. Without a word. Without a 'Hey kid, I'm going for two months to wherever-the-hell, I hope you don't get lonely. The servants are will be here to keep you company.' And to think he's my only family left. Since mother... all I could do was sigh. I feel so lonely... like I have never felt loneliness before. I feel like this whenever I remember my mother. She died years ago. She never makes me feel alone. I love her dearly, but this love wouldn't bring her back from the dead.

And now I sit here, in my bedroom, looking out the window and saw that it was raining, waiting for the day to pass. Like I always do during a weekend. No one could help me, I thought. I should never let others carry my burdens for me. Its all for me to face, though it's so hard to be strong for so long. I am at home, alone, as always. Since my dad is always about bussiness. I can't help but feel neglected all the time. That is, until I met...Ring, ring... Oh, my phone.

I opened it and the text message is from my boyfriend, Gray Fullbuster. It said: heyy, bby. Y no reply?

He's been texting me since this morning. Since we came home a week ago, actually. He was the one I was with on vacation. He's the one I'm with while island hopping, snorkeling, mountain climbing, parasailing...and the list goes on. We enjoyed ourselves. It was well-earned. But it is only passing, that happiness. It was a fantasy world; I'm back at the real one. I decided to ignore the phone again and put it aside. I can't talk like this. Its useless to talk to me while I am like this. I looked up from my seat, where I am crouched and hugging my legs. Across my seat was a five-foot mirror. I was disgusted at the sight. A blonde, hair sticking up all directions, wearing a white oversized long-sleeved shirt. She has two thin, white legs with bruises being hugged by twig-like arms that are, too, with bruises. There are bags under her red, swollen eyes; dark purple, tear-stained bags. It was only after half of a minute I realize that the person in the mirror was me. Pathetic. I know fully well, that I'm being irrational, but I couldn't stop crying. I can't will myself to stop. If Gray saw me like this, he would think twice about still being with me. When I'm with him, I don't feel neglected. But I can't let him carry my burdens for me. I can't let him see me in this disgraceful state. He won't be able to help me. I must be on my own.

He's calling... Gray's calling. I can't get myself to answer it. Then he texted, ans d call bby, pls. When he called again, I reluctantly answered.

"Babe, what took you so long to answer?" He said through the line.

"I waited for you to say please," I sarcastically answered. My voice sounded like a croak to my ears.

"I'm so worried about you," he ignored what I said. "Where are you?"

"Where I always am... Gray, look, just... Leave me alone for now. I need to be alone." Alone...the word is so heavy.

"No, you don't. You need help. You need me."

"Gray—"

"No, don't say a word," and he hung up.

He hung up. He hates me! He thinks I'm no good. He'd finally stay away from me. I'm torn if I should think of it as a good or a bad thing. He wouldn't get hurt; he'd have an easier life without me in it. But I'd be neglected again. Since I'm always neglected, maybe I have no worth? Just like garbage; thrown out if they don't have any use. I'm useless.I'm useless... I should never have been born! I'm a burden to everyone. Just another mouth to feed, without any worth. A waste of space. I should end this. I could end this. Yes...I could. I get out of the bedroom and walk down the cold corridor. I told all the maids and butlers off. Shouting at them with teary-eyes, an hour ago. It scared them and they ran away, only some of them. The rest are down stairs, in the kitchen. They won't notice me being gone; for a while, maybe even forever. I reached the door to my father's study. Am I really doing this? Is it time? Is it still there? Am I sure of what I am about to do? I just stared at the door, unsure and chanting. This is the only answer...

I gave one knock on the door; one habit I have whenever I enter father's study. He doesn't like it when you knock so much. I guess I'm still going to bring that habit with me. I guess I'm still trying to please him despite what I'm trying to do. I need to disappear.Poof. Just like that. At least, I wouldn't get in their way anymore. I turned the knob, entered the room and closed the door behind me. My palms are getting sweaty. My heart's pounding against my chest, making it slightly hard to breath. Can I really do it? I slowly walked towards his desk, organized but with a stack of docments on the right-hand side. Still more work after his trip to America. I'd be freed from the feeling of neglect after this. He can also not get thoughts of his daughter in the way of his work. Yes, my disappearance would lift everyone the burden that is me. Everyone will be happy! I am behind his desk now, and I slowly kneel down to reach the lowest drawer on the left-hand side. Slowly pulling it open, I see in the cracks that gets bigger with every second, an old but clean white rope. It is roughly three inches long, and had its ends tied. Its fastened through a hole below the drawer. The drawer board has the Heartfilia coat of arms in it. I pulled that rather curious rope. The board opened and underneath it hid a black gun inside a holster. A 9mm pistol. I pulled the magazine out. It didn't have any bullets. I checked if the barrel had a bullet in it. I'd die anyway, so I pulled the trigger. It didn't have a bullet inside. I need to put in some bullets. I reached for the box of bullets in the same spot where I got the gun. I loaded the magazine. One bullet. Two bullets. Three... Its full and I need to test it. BANG! Yes, it is functional. There is a hole on the floor.

I hear the sound of shuffling of feet... "Lucy!" Someone's screaming my name from outside the door. A familiar voi- "Dammit Lucy!" He kicked the door open. It was Gray. A dripping wet, jacket-clad, Gray.

I gaped and pointed the gun at him. I shook my head. He shouldn't be here!

"Lucy, give me the gun," he came closer at an alarming speed. I just stood there, dazed. I don't know what to do! He's arms-length away! The gun in my hand's shaking. No, my whole body was shaking and crying!

"You shouldn't be here..."

"Give me the gun," he said, quietly but with authority.

"No..."

"Then shoot me!" He screamed at me. I cringed. Gray's scares me now... But I... "See? You can't do it to me. What makes you think you can do it to yourself?" He grabbed the gun, let the magazine drop and puts it away.

"I'm useless... I need to get rid of useless things..."

"Lucy, you are not useless," he puts both hands on my shoulders.

"I am..."

"No you aren't!" He hugged me, his chest soaking wet. I, too, was getting wet, but I don't mind. "You're born to be loved by me for one thing..."

Oh, Gray... I love you so much... And I cried. I couldn't feel my legs, but I did feel a sting on my knees once I notice we were kneeling in front of each other. And I wailed, like a little kid. I couldn't help it. I knew I was being irrational, but still, I can't will it to stop. Gray was just quiet the whole time, hugging me tight. Though I am sure, I'm screaming right on his ears. When I finally lost my voice, he helped me up and lead me to the bathroom.

"I'm cleaning you up," he said. "Take off your clothes and get in the tub. I won't look, I swear."

He waited outside the shower curtain. The water feels warm on my skin... He came in, his upper body naked, with a bottle of shampoo. I just sat there, in the tub, while he was massaging my hair with shampoo. I still feel a bit gloomy...though the feel of his hands are so soothing and calming. He went outside again as I rinsed myself. He left a towel, undies and bra, and my favorite white dress on the rack. When I went outside, he was lying on the bed. His muscled chest moving up and down, hair a little damp and ruffled, and arms sprawled.

"Feeling better?" He said, shifting his gaze from the ceiling to me.

I nodded. "Good," he said and slumped his head back. I walked near the bed but sat on the floor after. He must've noticed, so he sat on the edge of the bed, bending low enough to rest his forehead on mine.

"Remembered your mom again, huh?" He said with closed eyes. I whispered a 'yes.' "Whatever the hell did you open again? Her diary, an album, what?"

"I just wished she was here... I feel-"

"Alone?" He opened his eyes. I can feel those dark blue eyes pierce through my soul. "I feel like you're forgetting me..."

I bit the inside of my cheeks. I didn't... "I didn't Gray, I-"

"You didn't want me to see you like this, or you didn't want to get in my way of living a happy life?"

Exactly what I was thinking. I just looked at him, full of guilt.

He sighed. "Lucy, look, you are my happiness. If you're happy, I'm happy; if you're not, well... I'll share whatever feeling you have."

Never in my lifetime did I think that someone would ever have a useless person like me as their happiness... This can't be happening. I feel like this is all a dream. I can almost feel it slipping away. I need to know if this is real... I touched his cheek. He's right here! I can touch him! He's right here in front of me!

"You're here..."

"I'm sorry?" Confusion's painted on his face.

"You're really, really, absolutely here. With me, right now..."

"Of course I am!" He knelt down to the floor in front of me. "I am here, for you, just for you. Though I am nothing compared to the comfort of your mother, but I am here, right here!" His hands are on my nape and my back. He hugged me and rocked me back and forth. "Remember that, Lucy..."

I nodded, tears streaming from my eyes. "I can't believe that just a week ago, you were so jolly you even got me to..." He sighed before continuing, "And now... I can't believe you..." He hugged me tighter. I can feel his tears dropping on my shoulder. "I'll be with you through all this... I'll protect you from everything; even from yourself. I promise."

He loosened his hug and looked at me. I can't help but stare in his eyes, then shift my gaze to his soft, pink lips. His hands on my neck are slowly shifting my head upward. He breathed an 'I love you.' And I replied, "I love you, too."

Everything was in slow-motion from thereon. We kissed; like it was the last one we will ever have.

"I'll be with you, through this..." And I am assured that he will be.

✖ ℓυcч ✖

Confused? As the title suggests, Lucy's got bipolar disorder in this story (they don't know it yet.) XD She had one of her 'depressive episodes.' I'll be using some of the prompts given later on. :) Please do share!

It's 27 Days, 'til GrayLu Week! ;) Are you ready? (Posted on Wattpad, 5 August 2014)

Check the Wattpad version for medias like pictures and videos!

wattpad story /20874200-the-counted-days (Of course, you should delete the unnecessary spaces! XD)