Disclaimer : as said in the previous chapter, I don't own Claymore.
"Well, we won." Helen sighed tiredly as she slumped on the floor.
"Remind me why we did this again?" Deneve panted before snorting in disgust at the amount of damage her clothing had once again sustained. True to her habit and heightening stakes, her outfit now barely counted as a bikini held together by a couple of frayed strings.
"Don't glare at me, you jinxed yourself last chapter." Helen shot back.
"And the author was nice enough to let you keep some modesty." Miria added somewhat accusingly as she remembered that she usually got little mercy from said author.
Then there was the sound of an error being corrected and fairness being restored.
RRIIIIPPPPP…"Scratch that. He's evil." Miria deadpanned.
"Thank you Miria." the now naked warrior scowled at her leader.
The Ghosts could have sworn they heard someone whistle innocently.
If you think this was the outcome of the climactic assault to bring the doom of the Organization, then you would be gravely mistaken. Remember what you are reading. No, this was the outcome of the previous chapter of this insanity-born fanfic where our heroines decided they didn't want, in Helen's words, to be stuck with leftovers as far as pairings go.
Hence the essential requirement to rescue the most prominent member of the male cast who had been taken by the Organization.
It had been no contest as this was the famed Ghosts of Pieta versus a bunch of no-name characters. Face it, in the current generation of Claymores, only six are known by name; one of which is underage, another has yet to be confirmed as alive, and the last one is in a gag pairing.
"Right! What he said." Helen stated to her old friend.
"But damn they fought hard." Cynthia wheezed.
"Hey, if you had the only f*BEEP*able guy in the cast, you wouldn't be willing to relinquish him either. Not that it mattered in the end."
"We were seven women…" Yuma reminded.
"… Against an entire Organization." Tabitha finished solemnly.
"Still Miria what came upon you?" Cynthia asked.
When Miria gave her a puzzled look, the pigtailed warrior took a deep breath. "GHOSTS! TONIGHT! WE DINE! IN HELL!" she bellowed.
Miria looked mortified. "I don't know… BUT I HAVE A GOOD IDEA!" the leader shouted at the sky.
"At least it was a different quote this time." Deneve muttered.
"Enough of that!" Helen announced. "Where's the hunk?" she shot to her feet looking for their prize.
"Currently having his tonsils removed by Clare's tongue. Apparently she decided to reassert her claim on him." Miria informed.
"What?"
"Well, they are a canon pairing after all." Cynthia mused.
Helen rolled her eyes. "Right… face it Cynthia, the only proven couple in this series is Riful and Duff. The credibility of Raki and Clare getting together has taken a nosedive in chapter 100. Same with him and Priscilla for that matter."
"Wasn't Priscilla supposed to be with Isley?" Tabitha asked.
"All we had on that were Riful's words. Besides, this is not canon! We are currently in a fanfic and any pairing is possible. You'd be surprised at what fans can come up with." Helen crossed her arms.
"What do you mean?" Yuma asked.
"Take the kid for example since he is the male lead. Aside from Clare and Priscilla, he has been paired up with me," she boasted, "Miria, Clarice, Cynthia, Alicia and even Luciella! Sure some of them are more friendships than romance but still…"
"Me?" Cynthia asked incredulously.
"Don't get your hopes high Pigtails, there has been a recent surge of Cynthia/Yuma shippers after she saved your life."
This caused both aforementioned women to blush.
"Wait, they do female pairings too?" Tabitha asked with a hopeful look in her eyes.
"Duh! Clare/Miria, Clare/Jean, Clare/Ophelia…"
"Scary." Miria shivered.
"Which one? You and Clare, or the one with Ophelia?"
"Both."
"Get used to it Sis." Helen grinned at her. "You do know that you are among the most popular characters right? This causes imaginations to go wild."
Seeing Miria blanch, Helen just couldn't stop herself.
"For instance, the most popular guy to pair you with isn't Raki but Rigaldo."
"WHAT THE HELL?" Miria then looked up. "THIS IS YOUR DOING ISN'T IT?"
"Well, face it Miria, you were both the leaders of the opposing forces in the North and you have a similar fighting style. Sparks did fly in that battle."
"That was my sword on his claws!" the Phantom warrior protested.
"You mentioned female pairings," Tabitha asked shyly, "so who does Captain get paired with?"
"Galatea."
This revelation was followed by a round of stunned exclamations. Even Miria was too shocked to be offended.
"Where the hell did that one come from?"
Deneve shrugged. "Well, it's true you two don't have much contact aside from you freeing Galatea from Agatha's spikes in the manga, or running into each other at the end of the anime. In that regard, Clare/Galatea would be more logical."
"Unless there are things you're not telling us." Helen's snicker was suddenly cut as she found herself dressed as a bunny girl : high heels, black fishnet stockings, the classic skintight cleavage-baring leotard, cuffs and bowtie, and of course the infamous bunny headband. The outfit had appeared out of nowhere, seamlessly replacing her normal clothes without any warning, flash or light or anything. Hence Helen's reaction : "WHAT THE HELL?"
Everyone looked down to check at their clothes (or lack there of in Deneve's case) and sighed in relief when they saw them unchanged by the crazy author's whim.
"There's a note between your breasts." Cynthia said to the fuming warrior.
Grumbling, Helen took the piece of paper tucked in her cleavage (cue to camera) and began reading. "Author's note : I didn't know whether to disguise myself as an inconspicuous janitor to deliver the note or send it via plot bunny and you just had to give me this opportunity."
Everyone groaned as they got the lame joke. Miria and Deneve wished he had gone with the first idea since they had things to… discuss… with the author.
"That and my most recent idea to embarrass the characters included costumes. Beware, the French maid is next." Helen continued much to her friends' horror.
"I'd rather stay naked." Deneve muttered.
"That can be arranged. Anyway, I am as baffled as you all are about the Miria/Galatea ship. My only explanation is that two hot women together is something of a male fantasy especially if they can imagine themselves in the mix. Not to mention that some of you have fairly ambiguous friendships. And before you decide to rip my head off, please note that this fic is about fan pairings regardless of my personal preference. Why do you think there was no mention of Raki/Renee? PS : Helen, you're keeping the suit till the end of the chapter. Think of it as me making it up to Miria." Helen finished with a groan.
"Well, that's more original than the author note popping from nowhere." Yuma commented.
"So basically Galatea and I are put together because fans think we're hot and they're perverts?" Miria didn't know if she should feel flattered or disgusted.
"Well, according to ratings, only Teresa ranks higher than Galatea in sheer looks. Though there's a note about their personalities needing some improvement." Cynthia informed.
"You're lucky Clare isn't here." Helen snorted. "It would take more than a bunny suit to prevent her from killing you."
"And Captain is beautiful, smart, charismatic, strong…" Tabitha gushed before slumping. 'Why not me damn it.' she thought gloomily.
"Taby, there's an extra note for you. It says : 'Grow a personality.'"
At this point the braided warrior had to be restrained before she hung herself. "Calm down Tabitha! There are a couple of fics where you are with Miria after all!"
"There are?" Tabitha suddenly stopped struggling and looked like life made sense again.
"YES!!" everybody shouted.
"Excuse me, what does the author mean by 'ambiguous friendships'?" Yuma asked.
"Well, take Taby for instance. She's always sticking to Miria so it's no wonder readers think she's a lesbian." Helen joked.
At Miria's suspicious glance, Tabitha felt the need to defend herself lest her idol distanced herself from her. "Excuse me? Like you and Deneve are better! In fact, you are never seen apart!"
The braided warrior felt a strange satisfaction at the pair's indignant sputters.
"Well considering we Claymore have lonely lives, it would be easy to imagine what friendships we share evolving into something more. While you two are the most prominent example," Cynthia explained, ignoring the venomous looks she got, "there have been some speculations about Teresa and Irene too. There is also Clare/Elena with the 'holding each other at night', or Rachel/Audrey. Hey don't look at me like that, fans just want us to have a little happiness."
"And satisfy their fantasies while they're at it." Miria grumbled. "Well, WE! ARE! NOT! GAY! Damn I did it again right?" she palmed her face with a groan.
Cue to collective nod and author's snicker.
"Well, I have a question : there are plenty of yuri pairings in this section, but where is the yaoi? You know, guy-guy pairings?" Helen asked.
Even through the Fourth Wall they could hear retching sounds.
Hey, I'm gagging even as I'm typing this.
Helen blushed at the strange looks she got. "Well, look at the Naruto, Bleach or Gundam sections… I heard that female authors think yaoi is hot."
"There might have been an Isley/Rigaldo somewhere…" Deneve pondered. "Our male cast may be limited still it should be possible to…"
THERE WILL BE NO MORE MENTION OF YAOI IN THIS FIC!!! FAILURE TO COMPLY WILL RESULT IN ALL OF YOU IN A TENTACLE LEMON WITH RIFUL'S AWAKENED FORM!! AM I CLEAR?
Everyone went white as a sheet. "He wouldn't dare…" Miria whimpered.
TRY ME!!
"I don't know… it might be worth iEEEEKKK!!!" Helen's statement was cut by several swords at various vital points of her body.
"Finished this sentence and die." Miria hissed, her eyes turning gold for enhanced effect.
On a side note, the author absolutely hates to threaten characters but drastic times call for drastic measures.
Yaoi is evil. Plain and simple.
Cynthia coughed. "Anyway, there are not many alternatives : either we share a guy, fall for an original character who is more often than not an expy of the author, or end up in a crack pairing."
"Meaning a highly unusual couple that is done either to be completely original, or because the author is nuts." Helen developed. "Though in the first case it takes real skill and plenty of character development to pull off. Miria/Sid is one of former."
"And the latter?"
Before anyone could answer Yuma's question, they saw Rubel being dragged by a skipping Rachel.
After a moment of silence, Miria asked "So… when do you think Clare will be done with Raki?"