Disclaimer : as usual... oh, and I don't own Pokegirls either
The first thing Clare did when the lights came back was glare around for any misplaced hands.
"Well, at least this chapter was posted immediately instead of waiting for more reviews." Yuma shrugged.
"See, it wasn't that long." Cynthia said soothingly. "Tabitha's still out though."
"Cabbit-chan."
"And Deneve's condition hasn't improved." Raki sighed. "Okay, back to the original question…"
"I didn't do it!" several of the warriors shouted seeing the look in Clare's eyes.
"… what is a Pokegirl?" Raki finished.
Miria pinched the bridge of her nose to fend off the migraine. "The Pokegirl community is loosely based on the Pokemon franchise. Instead of 'pocket monsters', it involves bio-engineered female humanoid creatures which were originally used as soldiers in a world war. These creatures go insane and wreak havoc if they don't get sex. As such, the new governments of the world employ Tamers to keep Harems of these girls to defend cities and act as special military and police forces. Well, that's the gist of it; this is not the place for a full explanation." Here Miria took a breath after her lecture before groaning in despair. "This plot has already been implemented in several anime fanfics."
Everyone was stunned speechless judging from the hanging jaws.
Miria glared accusingly at the creature. "Can't you see the similarities? We are bio-engineered warriors with different specializations, Awakening can be used as the bad alternative to not getting enough 'Taming', the Abyssal Ones can be shifted into 'Legendary Pokegirls' just by replacing Isley with Priscilla and making Isley a legendary Tamer, or something like that… It would be ridiculously easy to transpose this stupid plot into our world! Can you imagine what it would mean?"
"We'd get laid?" Helen suggested only to shrink under Miria's glare.
"OUR REPUTATION WOULD BE RUINED!" her captain roared.
Seeing that Miria was seconds away from chomping Helen's head off, Raki diverted the attention to himself. "Okay I can understand your point of view, but why were Clare and Rubel so upset?"
"This particular plot bunny would have Rubel deal with both Rachel and Undine… at the same time." Miria informed. "Before you ask, Undine would be stuck in her muscle-bound form. Oh, and they would be the 'Futanari' sub-type." she finished as an afterthought.
"Excuse me but what does futanari mean?" Clarice asked.
"… Hermaphrodite." Miria replied somewhat reluctantly.
The mental image came unbidden : the skinny bald man being cuddled by the bodybuilder pair. Add a couple of things that have no place on a female body…
Raki was torn between laughing and covering his ass. Of course, Helen's reaction was the least restrained and erupted in the biggest fit of laughter heard from a Claymore since Miria's tickle session.
Even Miria had to admit this was one hell of an argument in the plot bunny's favor.
"For the sake of my sanity, can we move on?" the only man in attendance pleaded rather pitifully.
"Speaking of which, Rubel's gone!" Clarice exclaimed. Scratches could be seen leading away from the corner, like someone had clawed at the ground in an attempt not to be dragged away.
The mournful cry of a spy could be heard echoing in the distance.
"Rachel strikes again." Cynthia sighed.
"Shouldn't we pity him?" Yuma asked with little conviction.
"Hell no!" Helen shouted. "If anything, he should have it worse!"
"Can't top that idea though. I can see why he wants that thing dead." Raki muttered, which got another growl from Deneve. "But why Clare?"
"May I remind you who the male lead is in this show?" Clare hissed.
"Errr… Me?" he suggested.
"Yes, you. No why do you think I have a problem with that? Or am I not enough for you?" Her tone was like poisonous honey.
Now, just because the author doesn't hate Raki does not mean he can't mess with him. As such no one stopped Helen from speaking before he could even think of an answer. "Aww, come on kid! I thought having a harem is the ultimate male fantasy." She came closer to him with an extra sway of her hips and a devious smile on her lips, which made the young man gulp nervously.
Don't ask if it was the sway or the smirk.
"Helen, please don't tease me." Raki pleaded, feeling his impending doom.
"Who says I'm teasing you?" Helen replied. She was a bit too close for comfort and was now gently tracing patterns on his chest with her fingers, ignoring Clare's glare. "Maybe I just need someone to tame me." she breathed huskily.
Raki knew she was joking, but her tone was nonetheless enough to reduce him to a stammering wreck. Wait, she was joking, right? Because if she wasn't… damn you hormones… Helen then whirled away, a dejected expression on her face. "Or are we not good enough for you?" she pouted.
Raki should have seen the trap laid for him but even if he had, his kind, empathic heart could never flat out reject anyone.
One of the reasons he'd make a good tamer in a Pokegirl story.
"NO! You're all great… I swear…"
"Then you wouldn't mind being our tamer? How many of us do you think you could handle?" Helen grinned. "Separately AND together?" she winked at her friends who were all blushing.
"Raki, your nose is bleeding." Clare's tone could have sent shivers down Priscilla's spine.
The young man hastily wiped his nose and held out his hands in a placating attempt. Unfortunately his underlying hormones altered his answer. "Come on Clare, calm down, you know you're the only Pokegirl for me… no wait, the only Claymore… oh shit Priscilla's not a Claymore… Clare, please, put down your sword… Thank you, that's better… Wait, what are you holding?"
"Clare, what are you doing with a branding iron?" Helen asked worriedly.
"I'm going to mark MY territory." Clare replied casually while twirling the white-hot iron. It was a palm-sized circle with her symbol in the middle, and the words 'Property of Clare' around it. "Raki, please come here."
Raki took a step back.
Clare took a step forward.
"Come on Raki, didn't you say you belong to me?" The sweetness of her tone nearly overrode his survival instincts.
Clare was about to pounce when she was tackled by Helen. The two warriors fell to the ground, Helen using her stretchy limbs to tie the struggling former Forty-Seven, nearly getting branded in the process. Clarice managed to grab the arm holding the iron but couldn't make Clare let go of it.
"RUN KID!" Helen's shout jolted Raki into movement. The young man quickly disappeared down the corridor in a mad dash. He quickly found a plot hole to hide in until the end of the chapter.
Hopefully Clare would have cooled down by next time.
Miria looked away from the pair and back to Deneve who still hadn't released the cabbit. "Can't you see Deneve? This thing is causing havoc even in this side-story. Imagine what it will be if it ever becomes true."
"No one… hurts… Cabbit-chan…"
Miria had had enough. A burst of Yoki-aided Phantom speed got her just in front of Deneve. She tried to snatch the cabbit but apparently, Deneve's protective instincts were enhanced by her cuteness-affected state – she flung the cabbit away (much to its relief). Miria tried to follow but Deneve lunged and caught her legs, wrestling Miria down and keeping her from reaching the plot bunny.
Cue to double catfight : violence, sexy women, tumbling, scratching, hair pulling, clothes tearing. A mud pit somehow appeared under the combatants. Tabitha chose that moment to wake up, getting an eyeful of a muddy Miria, and promptly fell back with a gigantic nosebleed.
"Hey! Who's the pervert?"
"OWWW! You branded my ass Forty Seven!"
"Which one?"
"It's not your ass I want to brand Twenty Two!"
"RUN CABBIT-CHAN!"
Yuma took in the chaos. "This is madness." She then winced, knowing what was to come.
Long silence.
"What, no 300 quote?" Cynthia asked in disbelief.
Sorry, at this point even 300 quotes are not funny anymore. Even in an outtake, the insanity can only go so far.
Time for drastic measures.
A door opened in one of the walls. From it came out a completely unremarkable guy in his late twenties, early thirties. He was barely taller than Clare, with short brown hair and thick glasses. His absolute dislike for sun exposure and physical activity was evidenced by his pale skin and rather skinny build. He was wearing slippers, black sweatpants and a navy blue sweater.
"Meow." the cabbit purred and rubbed itself against his legs. Wordlessly, he picked the animal and walked back where he came from, pausing a moment to look at the scene : Deneve was being held in a headlock by Miria, Clarice was still trying to pry the branding iron from Clare who was biting on Helen's arm. Yuma and Cynthia had somehow obtained a bag of popcorn and were watching the show.
The weird guy laughed then scratched his head somewhat sheepishly. "Sorry about that. The 'plots I wouldn't be able to finish' pen wasn't locked properly and it ran when I wasn't looking." As the door closed and vanished, they could hear mutters about having Rachel use the iron on Rubel next time and evil cackles.
"Cabbit-chan…" Deneve whined and reached for the cabbit when Miria tightened her hold to prevent her from escaping. Suddenly Deneve blinked, the glazed over look disappearing from her eyes. "Miria, why am I in a headlock?" she asked in a polite yet tense voice, seemingly back to normal now. "And why do I feel like I did something I'll never live down?"
"Doesn't matter." Miria released her. "This whole matter is closed."
Everyone else was staring at the now-gone door. "Miria, there's something you might want to know…" Helen said.
"No I don't! I don't want to hear a single word about this!"
"But…" Yuma insisted.
"Closed. Forgotten. Never happened."
"Miria, that guy was…"
"I don't care who that was! That cabbit's gone, it's all I care!" the Phantom shouted as she stomped away angrily.
Back behind the Fourth Wall, the Author put the plot bunny back in its pen, chuckling at his latest work even though it had gotten out of hand.
Futa Rachel…. He nearly retched at that one.
The Claymore catfight however… throwing in that mudpit had been too tempting.
He looked at the plot bunny which had somehow put on a pair of very cool sunglasses, its cute face now set in a stony look. Then the cabbit leaned forward and spoke in a deep, emotionless tone.
"I'll be back."
With those ominous words it turned around and slowly walked away, the Terminator refrain playing behind it.