Disclaimer : Do I have to? Fine… I don't own Claymore
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The beauty of a fanfic with no actual story is that you can do things you couldn't otherwise without worrying about credibility and continuity. Therefore, after being given a taste of her afterlife, Miria was surprised to find herself once again among the living.
Her ass however was still sore.
But of course, she wouldn't be sent back if there wasn't a plot to be written.
ATTENTION! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! A PLOT BUNNY HAS ESCAPED! ALL PERSONNEL ARE REQUIRED TO GIVE CHASE AND CAPTURE! I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL…
"Shut the f*ck up already!"
Miria turned to the person and gaped in surprise.
"What the f*ck are you looking at?"
The resurrected warrior had to pinch herself.
"Take a f*cking picture, it'll last longer." Cynthia growled without moving from her leaning position against the wall. She then looked up. "ENOUGH WITH THE F*CKING CENSORSHIP YOU F*CKING LITTLE SH*T OF AN ***HOLE AUTHOR!" she shouted.
"Cynthia?" Miria asked, unable to believe this was the sweet, polite woman she knew. "What's going on here?"
"Who do you think I am? Your f*cking lapdog? Ask Tabitha."
Any more questions from Miria were forestalled by the sensation of something bouncing on her head. She was then struck by a sense of déjà vu as someone bowled her over, sending her on her still sore posterior.
"Captain?" a voice laced asked with a tone that conveyed a mix of surprise, wonder and disbelief. "Captain it's you! I'm so glad to see you!"
Opening her eyes, Miria found herself looking up into Tabitha's eyes. However, instead of glomping her like she would have expected from her number one follower, Tabitha calmly stood up and offered her hand to help her.
"Hurry up it's getting away! Oh, Miria, it's good to see you." Miria actually had trouble recognizing Rubel's voice due to the lack of its usual oily smugness. In fact, it sounded like the man was genuinely happy to see her.
Okay, something was definitely amiss here.
"I would like to catch up after your most fortunate resurrection however we are currently in the middle of a crisis. Your assistance would be greatly appreciated." the spy finished.
"What is going on here? And where are the others?"
"The others are unavailable." Tabitha sighed tiredly. "Helen passed out when Raki hit on her… oh wait, she's awake now." Tabitha amended, pointing to the usually outgoing warrior who was backing from her old friend.
"P-P-please Deneve… I… I'm not… I don't think it's a… very good idea…" Helen stuttered, shrinking on herself and poking her fingers together as Deneve advanced on her with an evil grin on her face.
"C'me on! It's just a quickie, don't be such a prude Helen! Oh, hey Miria! Wassup?" Deneve grinned at Miria. Helen tried to get away but Deneve pounced on her. "Gotcha! Now let's see if Raki's done with the others."
"Eeeeepppp!" Helen let out a mouse-like squeak and fainted with a nosebleed. Deneve giggled as she slung her unconscious friend over her shoulder and walked away.
Miria stared at the hallway. "THAT was Deneve? And what was that about Raki hitting on Helen?"
"He's been hitting on every single Claymore since that thing got out... Amazing that those lame pick-up lines work. Last time I checked he was in a threesome with Clarice and Dietrich."
"And Clare doesn't mind?"
"Clare is too busy making out with Priscilla to care." Rubel informed helpfully. "Besides they got their turn earlier."
"Oh, sure… WAIT… WHAT?"
Tabitha ignored the outburst. "Yuma said she'd be back when she's done kicking the Organization's ass… You've seen Cynthia… Galatea wanted some piercings and a haircut… she mentioned a pink Mohawk… Only Rubel was nice enough to help me."
'Rubel… nice…' Miria's brain attempted to process the information. 'Does…not… compute…'
"It was my pleasure." Rubel actually smiled.
"Please Tabitha, I'm lost." Miria pleaded. "What is going on here?"
She only received a grave look from Tabitha. "Captain, the OOC plot bunny is on a sugar high. THIS is the result."
"The what?" Miria asked.
Rubel pushed his glasses up his nose and pointed to the blurring shape bouncing off the walls. "OOC, or out of character if you prefer. It means that the author has one or several characters acting differently from the way established in canon. It can be a simple change, a complete reversal, or on the contrary, strengthening a trait, sometimes to the extreme."
"Now, the change can be justified by the plot, be intended to be funny, or downright aimed to bash a character. For instance, the author enjoys making you OOC to break you from your overly serious canon persona. Deneve's cuteness attack a more drastic example of OOC." Tabitha explained. "Just like making me obsessed with you…"
"I notice you haven't attempted to kiss Miria since she's back." Rubel supplied without a hint of sarcasm.
"… or having Rachel jump Rubel's bones just to make his life hell." Tabitha shot back snidely. "Speaking of which…"
"Hoo hoo... Ruby-poo…" a sweet and obviously fake whine was heard. They turned around and saw Rachel.
In a pink short dress.
It would have looked cute on anyone else.
"Could you give me a back rub? Pwetty pwease…" she pouted.
Rubel smiled at her. "Of course. Please excuse me, my fair lady is calling." the spy apologized before scurrying away.
"Wanna bet they both freak out when it's over?" Cynthia snickered.
"This…" Miria began, "This is insanity! THIS IS MAD-humph!" Whatever she was about to say was cut off by Tabitha's and Cynthia's hands on her mouth.
You could almost hear the Author pout.
They removed their hands and Tabitha continued. "Anyway, while the Author normally uses OOC somewhat sparingly…"
"Yeah right." Miria muttered.
"… something set it off, badly, and it went loose. So instead of a minor change…"
"It completely screws us up." Cynthia finished crossly. "Instead of my goody-two-shoes self I'm a cursing bitch, Rubel's actually nice, Raki's a womanizer, Clare and Priscilla are all lovey-dovey…"
"… Helen's shy and Deneve only wants to have fun." Miria guessed. "This… is bad."
"Are you shitting me?" the normally sweet Claymore snorted. "As it is right now, that thing could probably make Ophelia hug kittens. I bet they're all laughing their asses off up there."
'If only you knew.' Miria thought, having seen the kind of entertainment the dead characters had. Then another thought occurred to her. "Hey, why aren't I and Tabitha affected anyway?"
"Well, OOC is only fun if some characters remain the same. What would be the point if having everyone act crazy if no one picks on it?" Tabitha replied. "Since you get OOC in all the others fics, you're exempted this time."
"Lucky me." Miria muttered. "I'm the only normal one in a bunch of nutcases."
Tabitha frowned. "Captain, I'll let you know that my personality hasn't been affected either."
This got a snicker from Cynthia. "What personality? Your only distinctive trait is to follow Miria like a puppy. Heck, it's even been stated in canon recently." Ignoring Tabitha's glare, Cynthia turned to Miria. "She was going to attack the Org by herself but Deneve stopped her. Taby then punched her for mouthing you off."
In the Claymore Afterlife, most characters were engaged in a heated debate about who had won the bet. Some said Tabitha had wanted to die, and other argued that it didn't matter since she had failed.
"Aren't we getting off topic?" Tabitha huffed to hide her anger. "We need to stop this thing before it causes more havoc!"
"And how do we do that?" Miria asked as she tried to keep her eyes on the super-fast cabbit. "The Pokegirl plot bunny was bad enough, but this one acts like it's on crack!" She then narrowed her eyes. "Who stopped it last time by the way?"
Both other Claymores shuffled uneasily.
Over the PA system, innocent whistling could be heard.
"Well?" Miria prodded.
And then salvation came.
"… YUMAAAA… THROW!"
Three large whirling objects flew past the trio, narrowly missing them, and impaled the wall behind.
*THUNK!*
*THUNK!*
*THUNK!*
When they looked at the wall, they saw that the now very still plot bunny now looked like a circus knife-throwing target.
Except that the 'knives' in question were claymores.
One of which was embedded just between its ears.
"Hell yeah!" Yuma cheered and pumped her fist. "Number Forty saves the day! Damn I'm good!"
Everyone blinked.
"Did Yuma just call her attack like a manga character?" Miria asked.
"Well, we are manga characters." Tabitha rationalized.
"What the hell is she doing here? She said she was going to the Org." Cynthia asked.
"Oh but I did! Went there, kicked ass and ripped them a new one!" Yuma gave them a V sign. "Well, except for Dae, he was working on a cure for cancer." she amended before walking to the frightened cabbit. The small animal looked up fearfully as the emboldened Claymore smiled sweetly and shook her forefinger in a scolding motion. Wordlessly she then pointed to where it came from.
The cowed plot bunny gulped nervously and nodded. It peeled itself from the wall and shakily walked away, opening a small trap door in the wall and disappearing inside.
Yuma grinned and wiped her hands in a satisfied way. "There! This solves that problem, everything should be okay soon."
"I hope so Yuma-san." Cynthia agreed.
"It looks like it's started." Miria said, noticing Cynthia's more formal speech as well as Yuma's posture becoming less assertive.
A loud girlish scream, quickly identified as Rubel's, was heard in the distance. In the meantime, a half naked Raki ran past them, a rabid Helen on his heels.
"Please Helen! It wasn't my fault!" the young man pleaded.
"I don't care!" Helen shouted back. "You did Color-Head, Shorty and Deneve, so I'll be damned if I don't get my turn!"
"Well, looks like everyone's back to normal." Miria sighed, hearing what sounded like two hellcats attempting to kill each other coming from somewhere else, which indicated that Clare and Priscilla were not happy with their current situation. Anything else she wanted to say was interrupted for she suddenly found herself in the 'super-happy glomp of doom' she had been expecting/dreading at the beginning of the chapter.
"CAPTAIN!" Tabitha squealed in delight, sending them both to the floor. She was so happy to see Miria that she looked like she could kiss her.
In fact she was already puckering up.
"Yes," Yuma smiled, "definitely back to normal."
"Not affected, yeah right." Cynthia smirked in a (normal) display of OOC. "Shouldn't we help her?" she asked as Tabitha's ministrations turned to outright humping and Miria tried to fend her off with little success.
"Well, look who's back." They didn't know if the subtle smirk on Deneve's face was due to Miria's predicament or something else as the Ghosts' surrogate commander walked to them; they wisely chose not to comment on her slight limp though.
"Deneve! Help!" Miria begged as she frantically moved her head left and right to dodge Tabitha's lips, looking like a human attacked by a Facehugger from the Alien movies.
"I don't think so! You deserve it, and I still have to sock you one after that!" Deneve stated before walking away, Cynthia and Yuma following her.
"WHA-HMPH!" Miria's protest was cut off as the Facehugger… err…Tabitha finally succeeded in latching herself to her mouth.
'Then again these movies never ended with hot girl-on-girl action.' the Author thought as Miria's clothes began to fly.