Disclaimer : I don't own Claymore

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"Well," Teresa announced as she stared at the two newest arrivals, "that was pathetic."

Privately, Teresa was glad that the Author had kept his word and changed the mention on her shirt. 'Teresa of the faint smile, strongest #1 ever – Yes she's dead, get over it!' at least spared her being laughed at.

That is, once she had removed the paper stuck on her back, which had said 'And it was a dumb death!'

Teresa sighed. What had she done to have her death considered the biggest tragedy in this manga, to the point some people were still bitching about it? Admiration and respect were fine, but blind worship was ridiculous!

Anyway, here she was, greeting the recently killed (again?) Hysteria and Roxanne, who were none too happy with the labels stuck on them. Roxanne's was a simple and to the point 'wasted potential, reduced to body waste' while Hysteria had been deemed 'dead by Abyssal gangbang'.

In Roxanne's words : "You must be shitting me!"

()()()()

"That's what I get for eating shit like someone full of shit who tasted like shit!" Cassandra shouted sitting on the john and holding her aching stomach as another bout of explosive diarrhea hit her.

"Meow." a cabbit mewled outside the cabin, cracking the door open and helpfully passing her yet another roll of toilet paper.

()()()()

"What the hell is this?" Hysteria shouted. "This makes me sound like a whore!"

"Well, you were a bit of an attention wh… err, seeker." Teresa countered politely. "And some details were pretty suggestive. I mean, you were penetrated by Roxanne's rods from behind, then Cassandra bit you. Heck you even lost your jaw in the process. Not to mention how stimulated you felt when Nike sloowwwly pulled that sword out of you."

"Indeed, you looked like you were enjoying it." Roxanne said with her fake friendly smile.

"Do you want to try it?" Hysteria hissed dangerously. "And how do you even know that when you weren't even looking at the time?"

"Aww, is someone feeling ignored?" Roxanne pouted cutely.

"Miria being tortured by the first Awakened introduced had some rape undertones, but it definitely wasn't pleasant. You on the other hand… that scene was quite suggestive." Teresa continued. "And when you died the first time, all the warriors had to gang up on you. So in essence it was a gangbang."

Hysteria growled at Teresa.

"Hey, I should know, I was there after all."

Hysteria blinked in recognition. "IT WAS YOU!" She roared as she lunged at the serenely smiling warrior.

SLAM!

Then Hysteria was roughly acquainted with the floor as she received the infamous 'get your face shoved into the ground' from Teresa. Had Clare been there, she would have sympathized considering how often she had suffered that move.

"Play nice." Teresa warned with her usual smile. "And you, I already kicked your ass two chapters ago, don't make me do it again." she told Roxanne, reminding her of the lightning-fast battle during the infamous 'Roxanne effect' outtake.

"Oh, I don't know, since I Awakened, I'm sure the outcome would be different this time." Roxanne shot Teresa a wicked grin, her Yoki surging around her. "Shall we try?"

In an effort to protect our pure innocent souls from…

"All done!" Teresa called cheerfully.

What? Hey, not fair!

"And you were right, it took me 0.1 second longer." the unscathed Teresa said mockingly.

I couldn't even squeeze in some Rubel torture! Oh well, there's always next time.

"Wow. They suck." a new voice, Rosemary's, commented. She was followed by Isley and Riful, though the pair were somewhat hampered by the Abyss Feeders still clinging to them.

"And to think they were hailed as the new Abyssals." Isley sighed. Riful actually nodded in agreement.

"Rosemary, you weren't an Abyssal." Teresa countered.

"Technically, I can be considered one. I was the former #1 before you and I did Awaken, I just died too quickly." she said with a bit of venom, albeit knowing better than to antagonize Teresa. "And at least I managed to scratch you. These two didn't."

"True." Teresa conceded the point. "Though I still..."

"I know!" Rosemary seethed, as if her 'example of Teresa's awesomeness' shirt would let her forget the humiliation.

"Anyway, they are an embarrassment to the Abyssal title." Riful dismissed calmly, like when she deemed an Awakened too weak to join her and got rid of it.

"Why you…" Hysteria glared.

"What? The Author had considered calling you 'critical design failure' if your death didn't stand out. I mean, first you looked like a cross between a chicken and a spider. Or does 'I can't swallow my food because of the sword in my throat, which I can't remove because I have no arms!' not ring a bell?"

This got a round of more-or-less hidden snickers from everyone.

"Admittedly it got better when your form changed. But why didn't you do it earlier? Oh yeah, you had to show off. For all the good that did you. Face it, you screwed up."

Roxanne would have laughed but Isley turned to her, taking over for Riful. "In a way, you are worse. You were the most noteworthy of the three, you were up there with Ophelia for being completely insane and lacking any regard for your comrades' lives. You got the most developed backstory and could use the fighting styles of several other warriors, and may have grown to be more evil than Priscilla in time."

"My, thank you." Roxanne smiled.

"I notice you're not denying." Hysteria mumbled.

"And what did we get for your Awakened form? Some cheap armored rip off of Riful who couldn't even use her abilities right. Cassandra and Hysteria had forms that fitted their styles as warriors…"

"Though the giant naked torso with multiple heads dragging on the ground is a bit weird; fitting, but weird." Riful mused.

Rosemary nodded. "Yeah, I wonder… those giant heads were biting off chunks of flesh, but the smaller one was chewing it. Talk about bizarre biology. Imagine if she throws up. Does it go out from…"

"Could we avoid the mental image of Cassandra barfing in Awakened form? Thank you." Despite the tone, this was clearly not a request from Teresa.

"Right." Isley returned to figuratively tearing Roxanne's full form down. "What did Roxanne have? Eight arms that could fire blades, but she couldn't regenerate her projectiles quickly. That's it, no sword, no weapon, nothing that made use of those skills she had supposedly gained as a warrior. For the most interesting character introduced in a long time, that was…"

"Anticlimactic?" Rosemary offered.

"Lame?" Riful suggested.

Isley shrugged. "Whichever you want. But the final nail in your coffin was that speech Cassandra gave you. How despite your vaunted strength and cunning, you lacked the resolve that being #1 requires."

"And coming from the one who was thought as the weakest of the three based on her performance when she was introduced… That hurts."

"Indeed, to be struggling against three single digits without her special technique…" Teresa sighed, remembering wiping the floor with Irene, Sophia, Noel and Priscilla, without even using her Yoki when they used theirs.

Yep, she nodded to herself, she was that awesome.

Roxanne was now fuming. "I hope that bitch gets the runs."

()()()()

"OH SHIT! Somebody get me an Abyssal-sized dose of Pepto! Or Imodium! Anything!" Cassandra begged as the intensity of the cramps tripled. "SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!"

The only comfort she found was that at least Roxanne was getting the grave she deserved.

()()()()

Yes, this chapter has a bit of toilet humor! Can you blame me?

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Somehow Roxanne felt a sudden desire to kill Cassandra. Oh well, nothing unusual.

"Well? Anything else you'd like to say?" Teresa asked the group.

"Just that I'd like you to know I can sympathize with you." Isley told Roxanne. "I too have unpleasant memories of being eaten alive." he sighed in remembrance, before angrily kicking away an Abyss Feeder that had been licking up his leg.

"Though you did put up more of a fight. Anyway, that was a short chapter." Riful pouted.

"Well, when Miria visited, we got to see the other dead characters so we could discuss their demises too." Teresa explained. "Where are they by the way?"

"They are chasing those handlers who got here for not surviving their wounds. Looks like they wanted a crack at them too." Rosemary shrugged. "We'll have to thank that student of yours for sending them by the way, Isley, it was getting boring here."

()()()()

Further away, a group of bandana-wearing men were running for their lives… errr… afterlives; well, you get the idea.

"COME ON GUYS!"

"LET US THANK YOU FOR TAKING SUCH GOOD CARE OF US BACK THEN!"

"PLEASE!"

Of course that would be more believable if the pursuers would just put away their swords, or, for those who had them, claws, fangs, blades, tentacles and so on.

Needless to say, the poor guys kept running. Hey, they had been slaughtered by a single human guy who hadn't even broken a sweat; they were not dumb enough to stick around a bunch of hybrids with a grudge.

()()()()

"And how exactly will you thank him?" Isley asked with a raised eyebrow.

"I'm sure we'll find something." Rosemary let out a very uncharacteristic giggle before her serious demeanor returned. "Anyway, while we're at it, I was wondering…" Rosemary continued.

"Yes?"

"Why do Hysteria, Roxanne and I still have silver eyes and blond hair? Supposedly Awakening restores our original physical appearance, right?"

Everyone blinked. "That was pretty random." Teresa said.

"I figured, if we have some time, maybe the Author could explain."

Easy. I have no idea what your hair and eye colors were. So it's easier to keep you like this.

"What about me? I really liked my black hair." Teresa sighed.

*snort* As if it makes you any less gorgeous. Besides some people are already out for my blood for not being one of your loyal worshippers, I'm not ruining the myth by changing your looks.

"I'm not sure…"

Oh, don't worry, I'm sure we'll find a nice guy with a thing for silver-eyed blondes somewhere to help you deal with it *cackle*…

()()()()

"ACHOO!" Raki sneezed loudly, which got many, many pairs of silver eyes to turn to him.

()()()()

… Though maybe with the occasional brunette in the mix.

()()()()

"ACHOO!"

"Are you all right Mama?"

()()()()

And outside Rabona, a pile of fossilized poop – oops, sorry, solidified Yoki let out a sound like a muffled double sneeze from the inside.