Disclaimer : I don't own Claymore.
()()()()
Finally it had happened. After years of waiting, crying, cursing, begging and sacrificing innocent kittens on bloody altars, the event that ninety-nine percent of the Claymore fans had been dreaming of had at long last come true.
Finally, Teresa of the Faint Smile was back. Even after Yagi himself had sworn he wouldn't do it.
All right, the author is exaggerating. No kittens were harmed to resurrect Teresa. Hopefully.
Not that anyone would care even if it was true. Teresa was back, the manga made sense again. Nothing else mattered, everything else was irrelevant and would be gleefully ignored. Including, but not restricted to : the oddly convenient way that Clare used the soul link from Raphaela to awaken Teresa's consciousness within herself, the still-unexplained origin of the Riful look-alike, or how a normal human could possibly block one of Cassandra's heads with a normal sword and a massive gash on his torso. Heck, people had probably already forgotten about Tabitha's death.
()()()()
"Well, where am I now, Mister Author? Huh? 'She has a higher chance to make it, she has two healers working on her', right? So WHY AM I HERE?" Tabitha ranted in the Claymore Afterlife.
The author apologizes to Tabitha, as he does feel bad about his faulty prediction. Sorry Taby.
… Besides, it's not like I'm happy with it either. I mean, there goes another running gag : no more making Tabitha a raging lesbian lusting after Miria. First Raki makes harem jokes much more difficult with his declaration of undying love for Clare in chapter 129 (doesn't mean I'll stop though), and now this. Seriously, Yagi has been ruining my inspiration recently. What do I have left to make fun of this series? Oh yes, this.
()()()()
Somewhere else, a certain baldie was still fleeing, having ditched his exhausted horse.
"No matter how much I run… I don't have the slightest sense that I'll be able to escape…" Rubel panted.
"RUBIE-POO!" a rabid Rachel called as she plowed through a random Awakened without noticing, turning it into roadkill in her haste to reach her one true love.
"GAH!" said one true love yelped as he ran faster.
()()()()
"Calm down Tabitha." Irene placated the new arrival.
"Calm down?" Tabitha seethed. "'Just fix my arm', then punching Captain Miria… 'It's been a honor'… no tearful goodbye, no blaze of glory. But who cares, this is nothing compared to Teresa's return, so no need to make it memorable, right?" she whined.
"It's actually written on your shirt." Irene pointed at the 'Overshadowed by Teresa's return' label.
"I demand a redo of that scene! Come on, send me back! I didn't even get that final kiss…" Tabitha pleaded.
"You know, it's a little difficult to take you seriously when you're still having a nosebleed."
"Why were you all wearing lingerie when I arrived by the way?" Tabitha asked curiously, remembering the odd, and very sexy, welcome committee. Even devoted to Miria as she was, she hadn't stood a chance and collapsed with a spectacular jet of blood.
"… No particular reason."
()()()()
Back to the truly important topic, and in a display of true badassery, Teresa had already slammed two of Cassandra's heads into the ground like a pair of oversized basketballs. With her eyes closed, and one hand each.
"Yeah, yeah, we get it. She's awesome, she's the true heroine of the show, she's the most beautiful and we are mere worms compared to her magnificence…" Helen grumbled.
"Actually Helen, in the recent 'fairest of them all' poll, Teresa lost to Galatea in the semi-finals. Just barely, but she did." Cynthia informed.
"What? For real?" Helen asked. The minor twitch in Teresa's angelic face was the only confirmation she needed that the unthinkable had indeed happened.
Back in Rabona, Galatea suddenly did a victory dance, then another for winning the poll.
At the mention of the poll, Deneve slumped down and a dark cloud appeared over her head.
"What's wrong Deneve?" the pig-tailed warrior asked worriedly.
"I lost to Riful."
"Huh?"
"I was beaten in a beauty contest… by a pettanko loli." Deneve cried, kneeling and banging her head against the ground.
"Oh shit! She needs a hug! Hey Raki, give her a hug!" Helen called. "Come on Deneve, look at me, Alicia avenged you, and I didn't even make it past the first round… Oh crap, now I need a hug too. Kid, I know you're completely Clare-sexual, even though she's not the hottest warrior either, but a little encouragement would be welcome here!"
"Helen you're being ridiculous." Miria scowled.
"Easy for you to say, you defeated Anastasia! Must be the scar, makes you look more badass."
"Didn't prevent me from losing to Flora." Miria slumped down too.
At least Yuma and Cynthia remained level-headed. Yuma being so insecure had had no illusions about her chances. And Cynthia was not ashamed of her loss to Galatea, especially since she herself had been the one to eliminate Priscilla. Not that she'd say it out loud, at least until Priscilla was dead.
Anyway, we are getting off topic.
So after a quick round of hugs from Raki to reassure everyone about their attractiveness (yes, even Priscilla and Octavia's head got one, and Teresa didn't complain either), we can finally return to the chapter.
So why was Helen putting her sword away and walking away?
"What? Typical shonen manga, the overpowered main protagonist is about to face the final villain, so everyone else has just become completely useless." she explained.
Cynthia frowned slightly. "I don't know, Cassandra's heads are still attached. In the same situation, Priscilla had downright taken Alicia's head off, and she was in human form at the time."
"On the other hand, Galatea has pointed the sheer feeling Teresa's Yoki gives off. It must mean she's more powerful, right?" Yuma said.
Helen shrugged. "Doesn't matter either way. From now on, just trying to stand on the same battlefield as those two will get us killed. So we might as well make ourselves comfortable and enjoy the show." Helen then called out, "Hey, Author, can you get us those deckchairs and drinks from a couple chapters ago?"
The rest of the Ghosts blinked, before shrugging and following (well, limping in Cynthia and Yuma's case) Helen to the newly-reappeared chairs.
Meanwhile Priscilla was having a breakdown at her imminent ass kicking. The Awakened was running around and trying to hide, which was kind of difficult considering she was dragging a bunch of giant heads attached to her left shoulder. The fact that said heads were currently snickering in glee and happily pointing her position whenever she hid didn't help.
Oh, and let's not forget the giant cistern marked 'whoop ass' that had appeared behind Teresa.
()()()()
In the Claymore afterlife, all the characters that Priscilla had curb-stomped and/or killed were dressed as cheerleaders, complete with mini-skirts, and currently chanting Teresa's name. Including Isley, Rigaldo and Dauf.
Well, Dae had tried to root for Priscilla, but a quick beating had solved that. The fact that he had also been dressed in a cheerleader outfit had made it worse.
Meanwhile, the other characters were preparing another welcoming party for Priscilla. Well, except Lars, who was still waiting for Chronos. Apparently, being absorbed by Priscilla didn't mean death.
()()()()
"Come on!" Priscilla begged as she tried to hide behind Raki, regardless of the fact she was too big in Awakened form to do so. "We used to be friends! Hide me!"
"Didn't you claim you were just using me all this time? It's a bit late to play the 'friendship' card." Raki retorted.
"I protected you all those years. You owe me one!"
"You tried to kill me remember?"
"So what? You shoved a sword through my throat!"
"You didn't even feel it. And what makes you think I'd make a good shield anyway? I mean, she has killed humans before."
"She has just about given you permission to date her surrogate daughter! Heck she has given you permission to take her surrogate daughter's virginity! So I doubt she intends to hurt you."
"Oh yeah." Raki gave a goofy grin at the prospect. Finally, after ages of waiting, he and Clare were pretty much confirmed a canon couple. "Didn't stop her from punching me though."
"It was a light punch! After all, your head's still attached."
As the pair continued to bicker, they failed to notice an increasing twitch on Teresa's eyebrow.
"WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP!" Teresa shouted. "I CAN'T HEAR CLARE'S CUTE LITTLE VOICE!"
()()()()
In the mindscape, the heartwarming moment went on as a chibified Clare hugged Teresa and cried her eyes out.
"Teresa… Teresa… Teresa…" Clare repeated.
"I'm here Clare, stop crying."
"Teresa… Teresa… Teresa…"
"It's all right Clare, stop crying."
"Teresa… Teresa… Teresa…"
"PLEASE CLARE, I'M ALREADY WAIST DEEP IN WATER! STOP CRYING!"
Looks like Clare was on her way to beat Raki's crying record.
But at least Teresa could see what Clare and her man had in common.
()()()()
At Teresa's outburst, Raki and Priscilla had instinctively jumped in each other's arms, hugging each other in fear.
"She sure is cranky for someone called 'Faint Smile'." Raki muttered.
"Of course I'm cranky!" Teresa snapped. "In case you haven't noticed, I'm wearing Clare's uniform!"
"So?"
"I'm four inches taller than Clare, so it obviously doesn't fit me! The pants are giving me a freaking wedgie and the shirt is only meant for a B-cup! Heck I can barely breathe, and it feels like everything is going to tear if I so much as move!"
Raki took a glance, and he indeed noticed that Teresa did look quite constricted, especially in the chest area. That, and the mention of Clare's bust size reminded him of the view of her naked body he'd gotten, and that he'd probably see it again in more enjoyable circumstances. A small drop of blood escaped from his nose. Seeing Teresa narrow her eyes at him, and fearing another punch to the head, he quickly changed the subject. "Can't you get another uniform?"
Teresa pondered the idea for a moment, then turned to the rest of the Ghosts. She looked at each of them, shaking her head until she settled on Deneve. "You!"
"Me?"
"Give me your clothes!"
The stoic warrior was taken aback. "What?"
"You heard me!"
"Why?"
"Because I can't fight Priscilla in clothes two sizes too small! Now hurry up and take it off!"
"But I'm also shorter than you!" Deneve protested.
"Maybe, but you're the closest one to me in the chest department. So it won't be so bad."
Deneve gulped and looked at her comrades for support, but sadly found none. "Come on guys, say something."
"Well, it is an emergency." Helen started.
"Priscilla has been kicking our asses." Yuma continued.
"Teresa is the only one who can fight her, so…" Cynthia added.
Miria nodded. "Indeed, desperate times call for desperate measures. I am truly sorry."
"You don't mean… You can't!" Deneve shouted in horrified realization.
"Deneve, this is an order from your captain. Take off your clothes!" Miria finished imperiously.
"No! You won't take me alive!" Deneve tried to run, but was mobbed by her friends. "Gah! Author! Can't you just give her new clothes?"
Nope, it's much funnier this way.
"TRAITOR!"
"Come on Deneve, it's not like you to be shy!" Helen said. "I mean, you had no problem flashing Raki last time."
"I'll never live that down, right?"
Suddenly Raki found himself on the receiving end of an extremely creepy, unblinking wide-eyed look from Teresa. Even scarier, her smile never faltered… Imagine Miya Asama from Sekirei, crossed with Issa Shuzen in chapter 67 of Rosario+Vampire II. "So… looking at other women naked, huh? You're not cheating on Clare, are you?"
"No, I swear, she wanted to prepare for, well, you know…" Raki trailed off as he drew a line from his own throat down his chest. Luckily Priscilla was no longer here to point out he'd seen her naked too, and not just her Awakened form. 'Please don't mention all those Outtakes.' he silently begged.
"You didn't ogle then. Good for you." Teresa's smile returned to normal. "How were her breasts by the way?" she asked innocently.
"Bigger than Clare's, but probably a little smaller than yours. Do you think Clare could keep those when you leave?" Raki blurted out, then he realized what he'd said. "Oh crap!"
Luckily he was saved from Teresa as someone threw her the clothes they'd liberated from Deneve. The embarrassed warrior was wondering why they didn't have any underwear beneath their uniforms. Damn cheap Organization bastards.
"Oh, look, you gotta get changed, so I'll give you some privacy." Raki grinned as he ran away without waiting for an answer.
Teresa looked at the clothes, then at the retreating man. Oh well, she'd get him later. Maybe even give him a thorough try, you know, to see if the cheeky brat was indeed worthy of her little Clare. But for now…
Finally wearing mostly-fitting clothes, Teresa's eyes locked on Priscilla's hiding place. "All right Priscilla," she cracked her knuckles even as her trademark smile turned evil, "IT'S CLOBBERIN' TIME!"