So this was a request from KittieHill, a lovely reviewer from AO3 who asked for Vince in sexy lingerie doing a strip tease for Howard on his birthday. I kind of accidently missed out the strip tease bit, but the rest is all there. And it also turned out way longer than I intended, so there's that.

The song that inspired the title and is mentioned in this fic is 'I Wanna Be Yours' by Arctic Monkeys, which I picked mostly because it's all kinds of sexy but also because the lyrics are kind of hilarious when you actually listen to them. And 'sexy and hilarious' is exactly how I'd describe Howince, so I felt like it fit rather nicely.

Anyway, reviews would be nice. Feel free to through some at me, it's the only way I'll learn.

And obviously I don't own the Mighty Boosh or this Arctic Monkeys song or anything like that, chill.

I Wanna Be Yours

It was Howard's birthday – his, ahem... 33rdbirthday – and, for once, Howard was actually feeling quite optimistic. Vince had promised not to force him into throwing another party since the last one had been, with the exception of the events on the rooftop, a complete disaster. He'd been upstaged by Vince for the umpteenth time, been outed as a virgin, Lester had been decapitated by a mad shaman... it was a downright fiasco.

The kiss on the rooftop had been the night's only redeeming feature; the kiss that had led to so much more, to an actual relationship, to Vince being his boyfriend as well as his best mate. Other than that, it had been a birthday Howard would rather not have repeated. But Vince had promised him a quiet night in, just the two of them, and a special surprise that was, apparently, 'miles better than a bouncy castle'.

Howard was just finishing up with dusting Stationary Village when Vince finally came bounding into the shop, a big smile on his face and a rather fancy looking pink shopping bag in his hand.

"Alright, birthday boy!"

"Nice of you to show up," said Howard with a smirk. "Any particular reason why you're late today? Hands turn into Weetabix? Got kidnapped by a giant falcon?"

"Nah, I was just sorting some stuff out for tonight," said Vince, gesturing to the bag in his hand. "Y'know, for your special birthday surprise."

Howard frowned, his optimism waning a bit. "Oh God, you didn't buy me any clothes, did you?"

"'Course not!" Vince laughed. "I could never set foot in the kinda shop that sells the clothes you like. All that brown and corduroy, concentrated in one place? I'd probably have a panic attack or break out into a rash or something. No, this bag is for me."

"Wait, you bought yourself something for my birthday, what the...?"

The rest of Howard's questioning was cut off by Vince pulling him into a quick but surprisingly passionate kiss, startling him into silence.

"Relax, Howard," said Vince, wrapping his arms around his boyfriend's neck. "Yeah, technically it's a gift for both of us, but it's mostly for you. I don't wanna ruin the surprise though. You'll see tonight, okay?"

Howard sighed, resting his hands on Vince's hips as his little eyes glanced nervously at the mysterious pink bag that had been left on the counter. "Fine. I'll wait. Patience has always been one of my many virtues."

"Trust me, babe. It's gonna be genius!"

Vince got up on his tip-toes to give Howard another kiss just as Naboo and Bollo came downstairs, carrying luggage and looking a bit disgusted by the display of affection taking place in front of them.

"Ugh, leave it out, you two," Naboo said monotonously. "I get that you're still all loved up for some reason, but could you maybe not be all over each other in the middle of my shop? You're gonna scare the costumers away."

The couple sprang apart, Howard looking awkward and Vince just rolling his eyes at the tiny shaman.

"Where are you lot off to, anyway?" Howard asked, mostly to break the tension. "Top secret shaman business, is it?"

"Somethin' like that. It's Kirk's birthday tomorrow, he's makin' a weekender of it," said Naboo, sounding neither happy nor unhappy about it. "Dennis is picking us up in the stretch carpet since Kirk lost his licence again."

"This weekend gonna be mental," Bollo grunted. "Kirk is wild man, throw crazy party."

"You two are in charge of the shop while we're gone," said Naboo. "You'll be alright for a few days, yeah? I mean, you've not got anythin' on, have you?"

Howard narrowed his tiny eyes, huffing indignantly. "Er, we do have something on tonight. Y'know, since it's my birthday and everything."

Naboo stared blankly, and Bollo just shrugged. It was about as much as Howard expected.

"It's a good thing you two are leaving actually," said Vince with a devious smirk. "Me and Howard are having a quiet night in, if you know what I mean."

"Unfortunately, yeah I do," said Naboo. "Don't make a mess, and don't do anythin' in the kitchen, we all gotta eat in there. C'mon, Bollo."

As they left, the old gorilla shook his head and muttered "Bollo no want to know about Precious Vince bein' violated by Harold..."

When they were finally alone again Vince turned to Howard, with a grin that was downright filthy. Howard just about managed to suppress a shiver.

"So we got the flat to ourselves tonight," he said suggestively, leaning against the counter and turning his flirt up to eleven.

"Yeah... looks like it," said Howard. It had been a year and he still couldn't quite handle Vince's flirting actually being focussed on him. It was like looking directly at the sun.

"Probably for the best," Vince continued. "Considering what I've got planned for you, birthday boy. It's always a bit of a mood killer when Naboo starts banging on the wall, telling us to keep the noise down. But you don't have to be quiet tonight. And you know how much of a racket I make when you're fucking the life outta me."

Howard couldn't think of a single thing to say to that. He was pretty sure a part of his brain had just exploded. He had to clear his throat a few times before he could find his voice again.

"You sure you couldn't give me a tiny little hint about what's in the bag...?"

"I thought patience was one of your many virtues?"

"It is! But, y'know... it couldn't hurt to give me a little clue."

"No chance, Howard."

The Nabootique only had about seven costumers that day and Howard was far too distracted to even attempt to make a sale with any of them, even when a young woman wearing tortoiseshell spectacles and a nutmeg cardigan expressed genuine interest in his collection of vintage jazz records. Vince had long since taken the mysterious pink shopping bag upstairs to keep it out of the way, but Howard just couldn't take his mind off of it. He was dying to know what his surprise was, so of course the day just dragged by, every minute feeling more like an hour. And the worst part was just how much Vince was clearly enjoying torturing him.

Finally – finally – it was closing time, and Howard tried not to make it too obvious how relieved he was. Up in the flat, Vince made Howard a cup of tea and presented him with a birthday cake in the shape of a saxophone that he'd bought especially.

"I couldn't find one shaped like a trumpet, so figured this would do," he said, with an apologetic smile.

"It's perfect, love," said Howard, kissing Vince on the cheek. "Now when are we going to get to my surprise?"

Vince chuckled as he got some plates out of the cupboard. "Cake first. You can wait a little while longer, yeah?"

Howard sighed. "Yeah, sure. Of course I can."

"It'll be worth the wait, babe. Trust me."

They sat together on the sofa, eating cake and watching an old episode of Colobus the Crab, but Howard couldn't concentrate on the television. Yes, Howard Moon was a man who could display great patience in all manner of situations, but on this occasion the anticipation was killing him. He could barely sit still, was too nervous to finish his slice of cake even though it was his favourite Victoria sponge, and he spent more time staring at Vince than looking at the TV screen. This special birthday surprise had better be really bloody good, he thought to himself, considering all the stress it was causing him.

Once the episode was over, Vince put his empty plate on the coffee table and suddenly stood up.

"Okay, I'm gonna get ready."

"Get ready?" said Howard, confused. "For what, I thought we were staying in tonight?"

"Oh, we are," said Vince, looking pleased with himself. "Sit tight, I won't be long."

And with that, he skipped off to their bedroom, leaving Howard baffled and anxious on the sofa. Howard stared at the monkey face clock on the wall, counting every second that he was being made to wait. He took to pacing the living room, willing time to go faster, willing Vince to hurry up with whatever the hell it was he was doing, hoping and praying to every deity he could think of that this bloody surprise was actually worth all this intolerable waiting around he was being forced to suffer through...

"Howard, c'mere for a minute! I need your help with something!"

Howard sighed, making his way to the bedroom. His optimism from earlier in the day had all but evaporated, his patience was wearing thin. He'd been pacing the room for a good twenty minutes, for Christ's sake! But when he finally stepped into their bedroom, all that frustration was forgotten in an instant.

Vince was sitting on the end of their double bed, twisting a lock of hair around his finger with his legs crossed demurely. But it was what he was wearing that had Howard stunned – a silky, black lace trimmed, baby blue nightie with matching black fishnet stockings. The colour of the nightie, combined with the flawlessly applied black kohl and mascara, brought out the startling blue of Vince's eyes, and his hair had been straightened and backcombed to perfection. As he slowly stood up the matching knickers he was wearing were revealed, blue silk and black lace clinging to his pale skin and the huge bulge at the front that was impossible to ignore. He was beautiful.

"Happy birthday, Howard."

"I, erm... you..." Howard stuttered, staring transfixed at the incredibly sexy vision in front of him. "You look... blimey, you look so... wow..."

Vince smiled bashfully, looking at Howard under his fringe as he played with the hem of his nightie. "Thanks. Told you it was a gift for both of us."

Howard let Vince take him by both hands and pull him into the room, before pushing him backward onto the bed. He couldn't speak, he couldn't think, he was even afraid to blink. All he could do was sit on the end of the bed and watch as Vince fiddled about with his CD player. The view was rather spectacular – the nightie barely covered his upper thighs but had ridden up as Vince bent over, and those lacy knickers really clung to his arse just right. Howard was already rock hard in his corduroy trousers. Finally soft music started to play, slow and bassy, a song that Howard had never heard of, and Vince moved his slender hips along to the beat.

'I wanna be your vacuum cleaner

Breathing in your dust

I wanna be your Ford Cortina

I will never rust

If you like coffee hot

Let me be your coffee pot

You call the shots, babe

I just wanna be yours...'

Vince stepped slowly back to Howard, all the while moving his hips to the music, and straddled the older man's lap. Bracing himself again Howard's shoulders, Vince grinded down against him along to the sensual beat of the song, rubbing his own silk covered arousal against his lover's clothed hardness. Howard groaned, his hands balling into fists at his sides as his tiny eyes tried to soak up as much of Vince as possible – the beautiful contrast of his pale skin against the black lace of the nightie; his lean, hairy, angular body at odds with the delicate, feminine lingerie; his fingers brushing through his thick black hair, revealing those parts of his neck that Howard was just aching to leave a few love bites on; his lightly glossed lips mouthing along to the song...

'Secrets I have held in my heart

Are harder to hide than I thought

Maybe I just wanna be yours

I wanna be yours

I wanna be yours...'

Vince took hold of both of Howard's hands, placing him firmly on his arse as he continued his little lap dance, and Howard took the hint immediately. He squeezed Vince's pert little bottom, those perfect cheeks that fit into his hands like puzzle pieces, before letting his hands explore. One hand slipped up Vince's back, under the nightie to feel his bare skin, while the other groped his thigh, excited by the unfamiliar feel of fishnet stockings under his fingertips.

Vince tangled his fingers in Howard's fine curls, pulling his head back to capture his lips in a slow, filthy kiss. Vince's mouth travelled lower, down Howard's jaw, nibbling his earlobe and sucking a bite on his neck as he unbuttoned his muted Hawaiian shirt. The music was all but forgotten as Vince slipped off of Howard's lap and onto his knees, spreading his boyfriend's legs and unbuttoning his trousers. Howard was already breathless as Vince took his erection in hand and dragged his tongue up it, from base to tip, but he almost stopped breathing all together once Vince sank down, taking all of his (not altogether unimpressive) length right down his throat and swirling his tongue around it.

"Oh... oh God, Vince..." Howard moaned, falling backwards onto the bed.

Vince smiled around the cock in his mouth, bobbing his head up and down slowly, twisting his hand around the base. He took Howard's hand, which was grabbing at bed sheets, and placed it on the back of his head, encouraging Howard to grab his hair and fuck his mouth. Howard didn't take much encouragement, thrusting upwards into the glorious wet heat of his lover's mouth. He already felt close to the edge, right on the precipice, and was equal parts relieved and disappointed when Vince's pulled off his cock and stood up.

"Clothes off, Moon," he said, his hands on his hips.

Howard scrabbled to his feet and shed his clothes as quickly as he could, before lifting Vince into his arms and throwing him onto the bed. Vince laughed as he boyfriend crawled on top of him and started to kiss and nibble as much creamy skin as he could reach. He loved this side of Howard, the side that only Vince was lucky enough to see, the side that only Vince could bring out of him – no longer the man of poise and dignity, the sophisticated jazz maverick, but a real Man of Action, ravishing Vince like a wild animal. This was the Howard Moon who was in charge and in control, who Vince just couldn't help but submit to completely, the man that Vince just wanted to please...

'I just wanna be yours...'

"How d'you want me, Howard? You can do whatever you like with me."

Howard turned Vince around so he was lying on his front, kissing down the back of his neck. He pulled Vince up onto his knees and pushed his face down into the pillow, pulling the lacy knickers down just enough to expose his arse. Shifting down his lovers body, Howard spread Vince's cheeks as dipped his tongue between them, lapping wetly at his hole. Vince cried out against the pillow, pushing back wantonly against Howard's face. Vince's cries of pleasure only became louder as Howard reached around him and cupped his lace and silk clad erection in his hand, stroking in time with his talented tongue until pre-come began to leave a sticky stain on the front of the knickers.

Vince let out a disappointed whine when Howard stopped, turning his head to watch Howard root through the bedside cabinet for a condom and a bottle of lube. Howard drizzled plenty of lube on his fingers, teasing Vince's saliva-slick hole with a single digit before slowly pushing it in all the way to the knuckle. Vince hissed at the intrusion, squirming against the bed as Howard added a second finger, and then a third, twisting and thrusting and scissoring them, curling them just right to rub teasingly against Vince's prostate until the younger man was writhing and moaning loudly.

Howard leaned forward and whispered into Vince's ear "Ready for me, sweetheart?"

Vince was barely coherent enough to answer, but he didn't really need to. Howard carefully removed his fingers, unrolled a condom onto his aching erection and slicked himself up with some more lube. Suddenly Vince crawled to the other end of the bed.

"What are you doing?"

"Get behind me, babe," Vince said, still on his hands and knees. "I wanna watch us."

Howard smirked as he got into position, looking up to see their reflection in the full length mirror on Vince's side of the bedroom. It seemed a bit vain (then again, he was a bit vain), but Vince loved to watch the two of them at it. And, since Howard wouldn't let him make a sex tape no matter how much he promised it wouldn't somehow end up on the internet, the mirror was the next best thing. It wasn't just himself he was looking at though; Howard Moon during the throws of passion made quite an amazing sight, and Vince wanted to watch him from as many angles as possible.

Howard entered Vince swiftly, both of them groaning as they began to move at a slow grind. Howard pulled Vince up by his waist, the younger man practically sitting on his lap as he thrust upwards into the tight heat of his lover's hole. Vince moaned and sighed, his head lolling back against Howard's shoulder as he bounced slowly up and down on the cock inside him, working the fingers of one hand into Howard's hair, watching happily at the vision they made in the reflection of the mirror.

Howard couldn't help but watch the mirror too. His tiny eyes darted to it every few seconds, aware as he was that the sight would only make him come faster but unable to stop himself from taking a little look. Vince looked too beautiful for words – moving his hips in time to the music that was still playing on repeat, lacy knickers half way down his quivering thighs, one of his stockings falling down to his knee, baby blue nightie slipping off his shoulder and bunched around his hips, his hand wrapped around his leaking cock and stroking in time with their slow thrusting. Howard was transfixed.

"Look at you," his whispered into Vince's ear, moustache tickling the younger man's skin. "You're mesmerising... ohh, Vince... you feel so good, little man... and you're so beautiful... mmm... so, so beautiful..."

Vince keened at the praise, moaning even louder as Howard nibbled on his earlobe and sucked what was sure to be a sizable love bite onto his neck. They kept up the slow grind for as long as they could, but eventually their movements turned hard and fast and desperate, Howard thrusting upwards with all his might as Vince moaned and cried out louder and louder. Howard held Vince close to him, one arm tight around his waist while the other hand played with his nipples over the silk of his nightie. They were both so close, right on the edge. Vince stroked himself faster, grinding down on his lover's cock erratically, until finally his orgasm crashed over him and he screamed Howard's name loud enough for all of Dalston to hear.

The image in the mirror of Vince coming all over himself in that gorgeous lingerie was enough to turn Howard practically feral. He pushed Vince back down onto his hands and knees, one hand holding onto Vince's hip hard enough to bruise and the other twisting into the back of the nightie like the reigns of a horse, and pounded into him like a jackhammer.

"Ohhh yeah, just like that, Howard!" Vince groaned, watching his lover in the mirror and whimpering as he shook from the aftershocks of his orgasm. "Fuck me, birthday boy! Fuck your dirty little whore, big man!"

That encouragement was just what Howard needed. With a deep, loud growl he came hard inside Vince, thrusting messily into him until he was completely spent and they collapsed on the bed, a sweaty tangle of limbs on top of the duvet.

With what little energy they had left they cleaned themselves up, Vince pulling off his crumpled lingerie before they curled up together under the duvet. Howard wrapped his arms around his boyfriend, kissing the top of his head as Vince cuddled up close to him.

"Good birthday surprise then, was it?" Vince asked, stifling a yawn behind his hand.

"Absolutely," said Howard, giving him a squeeze. "Miles better than a bouncy castle. I love you, Vince."

Vince sighed happily, barely able to keep his eyes open. "Love you too, Howard."

The music was still quietly playing on a loop, but they were both too exhausted to get up and turn it off. They both fell into a blissful sleep as the song came to an end one more time.

'I just wanna be yours

Wanna be yours...'

Hope you enjoyed, Humble Readers

xxx