Better or Worse

by Kadi

Rated T

Disclaimer: This is not my sandbox. I only visit it.

Sharon lowered her head into her hands. She sat at her desk, and with the blinds closed, the view from the Murder Room was effectively blocked, and so she let her shoulders slump as well. The past few days had left her feeling weary and drained. After spending three days discussing the specifics of their new situation with Jack, he and Anna had finally moved into the condo. Rusty was right, she reflected, when he came to her earlier in the process with the opinion that they would need a bigger place to live. At the moment Jack was occupying her couch, a place she wouldn't mind keeping him, but they had squeezed a small toddler bed into Sharon's room for Anna.

So far, it wasn't working out very well.

Her shoulders and neck were stiff, while her head ached. Fatigue from too little sleep, she knew. Anna was keeping her up at night. The three-year-old was not adjusting well, and to be honest about it, Sharon hadn't expected that it would go completely smoothly. Anna was waking with nightmares, images and feelings that she couldn't understand. Her mother's death was still too fresh, too recent, and she didn't understand the concept that she wasn't returning. She asked for her, almost constantly, especially when she woke frightened.

The child didn't know her. She didn't know any of them. Anna certainly didn't know her father. Sharon sighed as she rubbed at her temples, hoping to appease the headache that was pounding behind her eyes. Jack had not been in Anna's life since a few months after her birth. That he had been in it at all came as a surprise to Sharon. Of course, the entire situation had come as a surprise.

Jack left Samantha, the woman he had been living with in Las Vegas when Anna was only six months old. He spent the next almost three years of Anna's life moving between there and Los Angeles, or Reno, and occasionally San Diego as was his habit and preference for a nomadic life style. She really didn't want to think about it. When they were apart they lived their own lives. The majority of their marriage had been spent in that fashion. She didn't expect fidelity from Jack. He wasn't faithful to her before he left, why would that would change after the fact?

It was a complicated mess, the relationship that she had with that man. Sharon didn't even know that she could explain it to herself, much less to anyone else. Being a married, if separated, woman with two children was just easier to deal with in years past. Now she was a married woman living with an estranged husband and his illegitimate love child. Sharon exhaled slowly and pushed those thoughts aside.

Even Jack's visit the previous summer had not prepared her for the realities of living with him again. Honestly living with him. He was, for the most part, on his best behavior the year before. Now that he was back in her home, he was already trying to see just how far she would allow him to push her. Which wouldn't be very far at all. She would near the end of her patience with him very soon, she knew.

At the moment, Sharon had a murder room full of detectives that were getting close to an end to their current case. She rolled her shoulders and pushed herself up from behind the desk. She smoothed her hands down her dress and rounded the desk. Before opening her door, Sharon took a deep breath and squared her shoulders. She relaxed her face, in so much as she could, and finally stepped out of the office.

She wondered, a bit absently, as she strode back across the murder room, if it would be easier if she didn't have to pass by Andy's desk on her way to or from her office. That wasn't necessarily fair to him. She couldn't blame him for the distance that now existed between them. It was exactly the way things needed to be now. She only wished that it wasn't so hard, and that it didn't ache quite so badly.

When she walked past him, he glanced up at her, out of habit but his eyes were averted quickly. Not before she saw the answering resignation and hurt that darkened his brown eyes. Sharon gave a mental sigh at that. Andy was allowed to feel however he liked about the situation. All she asked was that he keep it out of the office, and so far, he had. If he was silent or terse with her, well that was to be expected. She could only hope that at some point, in the not so distant future, they might regain some of the ease they'd shared before.

Already the others had noticed the shift in their relationship. They might not know the reason behind it, but they were more than simply observant people. There had been questioning looks, especially from Lieutenant Provenza, but no one was voicing their concerns. At least, not to her. If he had spoken to his partner about it, well, Sharon had no way of knowing that. She could hardly ask the question now.

"Lieutenant," she focused her attention on Provenza now. "Where are we?"

He gave her a bland look. It had only been an hour since her last request for an update. Whatever had caused the shift in her mood the last few weeks, it was very much like working for the old Captain Raydor again. The one that had tagged along behind them, auditing their every move and thought, before finally accepting the transfer that brought her into the center of their little circle. He wanted to shake her. Actually, he wanted to shake both of them. Flynn wasn't speaking. It was like trying to get information out of a brick wall. One that he felt like he was beating his head against. Whatever happened, and he was sure that something had happened, things were definitely different between them. He supposed that he couldn't hope that it would be as simple as a little lovers spat that they would clear up in another day or two. Oh no, not with this woman. Not if it was affecting her at work, and not that he could really say that it was, but the tone of her mood was different and the way that they related to one another was nearly non-existent. At least, in comparison to how it had been not so long ago.

Provenza leaned back in his seat. "Los Angeles," he said blandly, in response to her question. Then he waved a hand at the evidence they were all still sorting through. "Same place we were an hour ago. It's going to take time, Captain."

"Yes, I understand that," she began with a sigh. Sharon placed her hands on her hips. There was a very good chance that her patience was running thin all the way around. "Time is simply something we do not have a lot of, Lieutenant."

"Who does?" He shook his head at her. "Captain, as soon as we can—"

"Sharon." Jack strode through the murder room, carrying a bag in one hand and holding Anna in his other arm. "You're going to have to take her." He glanced between her and the Lieutenant when he realized that he had obviously interrupted. "Sorry." It was said as an afterthought before he turned back to his wife. "Here," he thrust the bag toward her, and then the toddler in his arms. Although Anna was getting almost too big to be considered a toddler. She would be four in February.

The fraying thread on her patience got a little thinner. The frustration of it made her shoulders ache a little more keenly, while an annoying twitch moved down her spine. "Jack, you were meant to trade her off with Rusty." She accepted Anna, but had little choice in the matter, as her father was already pulling away. Sharon moved the child onto her hip and took the bag from him. "He isn't going to be free for another hour," she stated, trying to keep her tone low, and not at all as clipped as she would have liked.

"I know that." He sighed. Jack shrugged apologetically. "I've had to bump a meeting with a client forward. It was unavoidable. I already told Rusty to pick her up here." He lifted his hands in front of him, and smiled at her. "Come on, honey. It's not like we haven't played the juggling act before. It's got to be like riding a bicycle right? We'll get back in the swing of it sooner or later."

Sharon snorted and rolled her eyes at him. She could remind him that he hadn't juggled much except which poker night to go to and how many glasses of bourbon he should have, but thought better of it. "A really old bicycle," she said instead. She glanced at Anna and arched a brow at her. "I thought we talked about this. You were in charge. You let him have his phone?" She was keenly and uncomfortably aware that every eye in the room was on her again, and now for an entirely different reason. None more discomforting than the gaze she could feel burning into her back from the Lieutenant whose desk was positioned near her office.

"Cute." Jack made a face at her. "My wife the comedian." He glanced at his watch. "I have to go. Look, if my meeting finishes before Rusty can get here, I'll pick her up, but…" He didn't look convinced that would happen.

"Just go." Sharon sighed quietly. "I'll figure something out." She shifted Anna on her hip and drew the strap of the bag over her shoulder. She looked at the child again. She wasn't attached enough to Jack to cry after him when he left, and while sad, Sharon was at least thankful that she wouldn't have a tantrum to deal with. During the day she was more or less okay, there were moments when she would whine or become clingy, but it was the nights that were difficult. Soon, she reminded herself, Anna would adjust to all the changes and grow accustomed to them. It would just be their job to make sure that she didn't forget her mother, even when she stopped crying for her.

The Captain glanced at her people and then turned to carry Anna into her office. "Let me know as soon as you have something," she said, although she didn't offer any explanations. She hadn't exactly told them about Jack and all that was happening. Why would she? It wasn't a secret, but by the surprised looks on several faces, she figured that Rusty hadn't shared the details either.

She wasn't surprised when she was followed, although it was not the Lieutenant that she might have expected. Sharon lowered Anna to her feet and then knelt in front of her to begin opening the bag. Hopefully Jack would have thought ahead to pack something that would keep her occupied until she could be picked up again. "Yes, Lieutenant," she stated at length. "What can I do for you?"

Provenza hovered just inside the door and finally took a hesitant step forward. "Captain…" He wasn't even sure what to say, or what he wanted to ask. What the hell was Jackson Raydor doing hanging around again and where had the child come from, those where the questions bouncing around his mind. Asking them, however, probably wasn't the best idea. "I… are we dealing with another witness, or…" That seemed the best alternative, albeit a lame one, he knew.

Sharon sighed. This would come soon enough, she knew. She pulled a coloring book and a box of crayons from within the bag, along with a beloved doll before she rose and placed the bag aside, on one of the chairs in front of her desk. "Anna," she drew the child's attention and held out her hand. When the little hand was placed in hers, she brought the child forward. "This is Lieutenant Provenza," said. "Can you say hello?"

Anna leaned back against her legs. There were so many new people in her young life. She may not be very familiar with her, or Jack, or Rusty just yet, but they were who she knew best. "Hello," she said quietly, and ducked her face.

"Anna is…" It was so very hard to put into words. Sharon floundered for a moment and gestured helplessly. "Jack is her father," she stated simply. "Her mother is no longer with us, so Anna has come to live with us."

"Momma is with the Angels." Anna looked up at them both, eyes wide.

"Yes," Sharon said simply. Later that night, when she woke frightened in the dark, she would forget that, and need to be reminded all over again.

"Jack?" The Lieutenant stared at her. It took a moment for him to wrap his head around that. "Wait…" He shifted his weight from one foot to the other. "But I thought…" He frowned. What happened to the divorce? His confused look turned to one of incredulity. So the old reprobate had an affair, and she was taking him back? Had she lost her mind?

Sharon read him easily. "It's complicated," she said quietly. "I am in the process of adopting Anna, and Rusty's adoption papers have been filed." She gave him a meaningful look. He had known that the adoption was pending the divorce. That should be enough to tell him how things had changed, without her actually having to say it. "We are now a family of six," She stated, and looked down at Anna again. "Or will be, as soon as everything has been finalized. It should only be another few weeks." She considered her next words very carefully and let go of Anna so that the child could return to her toys. "I'm going to have to ask you to be a little patient with us for the next little while. We're trying to find a new routine. Juggling, as Jack said. It's been a while." She managed a small, if self deprecating smile. "I'm out of practice with daycare, preschool and shuffling between the two."

"I'll say," he muttered. Even with Rusty in the house, she should be expecting her next round of childcare to involve grandchildren. She wasn't exactly a young woman. Much younger than he was, but then most of them were. Her children were grown, in any event, and she was far enough past fifty that she shouldn't need to worry about preschool and sippy cups. Provenza decided that he understood now what the hell was bothering Flynn. Something had changed between them, alright. That something was a marriage that was not ending. He frowned at her again and shook his head. There was a lot that he would like to say on the matter, but none of it was any of his business. First and foremost on his mind was that she must have lost hers. He went with what he knew that he could ask, it was the one common ground that they had, the first thing they had ever truly agreed on.

"What does Rusty say about all of this?" Provenza asked.

She knew that question was going to come eventually. Sharon smiled gently. "That it's odd. It's going to be an adjustment period for all of us. Jack has stayed with Rusty and I before, although now he's living with us, and that's a bit different." She fidgeted with her hands and shrugged. "Legally, Rusty is an adult. I cannot force him to stay with me. Nor could I force him to agree to the adoption. But he did. As far as Rusty is concerned, Jack is just a man whose name will appear on his new legal documents. He's gaining two sisters instead of one, and we need a bigger house. Which Jack and I are looking into." How weird was that to say? Even Sharon drew short as the words left her mouth. It had been a good number of years since she uttered even a semblance of that phrase. Jack and I. Even longer since they had actually been a unit.

Sharon gave herself a mental head shake. She could not begin thinking like that. It was best to keep Jack held at arms length. He was irresponsible at best, as he had proved time and again. He was also unreliable. She knew that she couldn't count on him. Jack thought of only himself most of the time. She became very aware that the Lieutenant was studying her closely and sighed quietly. "Rusty is okay with it," she said more quietly. "I'm surprised he hasn't already come to you, although I suspect that he may have talked to Buzz."

There were a lot of things that he would have liked to say. For once, however, Provenza's mind was working faster than his mouth. He still thought that she might have lost her mind. He found it hard to believe that she would have agreed to this crazy plan, which was most likely her husband's idea. Surely her first thought was to send him packing? But then he realized who they were talking about, and there was his track record with his older children. Provenza frowned as he recalled the history of Jackson Raydor and a marriage that wasn't. How many dealings had he had with a young sergeant that had a child playing quietly beneath her desk because it was after hours, daycare was closed, or babysitters were hard to come by after a certain hour?

How many evenings had he sat in a bar, listening to a too loud, too drunk Jack moving back and forth between boasting about his wife and complaining about her. The man had done more complaining than boasting, although Provenza couldn't say that the boasting was exactly flattering. He had his own reasons for being less than fond of the man. A man like that wouldn't exactly care what ended up happening to a child he hadn't exactly planned for, and likely didn't want. Which was why he had come crawling back to his wife before she could successfully divorce him. He imagined that if Jack had been just a few months later, he would have ended up dropping the child off with one of the older kids. He'd make a good show of it, of course, just like Provenza was sure that he was doing now. Sooner or later, however, he would be gone. Unless he managed to grow a marginal amount of conscience and placed her into foster care or gave her up for adoption, in which case, one of the older children might have a problem with that.

When faced with those choices, he supposed it wasn't really such a strange idea that she was adopting the girl after all. To be honest, though, he couldn't say that he would have done it. Provenza sighed. He shook his head and stepped backward, toward the door. "We'll get you an update as soon as we have one…" He gestured toward where Anna was playing quietly, having already grown bored with the adults and their conversation. "I'll have Buzz find her something to eat."

A small smile graced her lips. Sharon nodded. "Thank you, Lieutenant. That would be appreciated."

"Don't thank me yet," he said. "Buzz will want to be reimbursed." He smirked as he withdrew from the office. Once outside, he shook his head again. Provenza looked around the Murder Room, everyone was looking at him now, and from the not so questioning look on the cameraman's face, he guessed the Captain was right. Rusty had spoken to Buzz. Provenza glanced at Flynn, he was the only one who wasn't looking at him, waiting for an explanation. Of course not, like Buzz, he already knew all too well what was going on. Now it made sense, what was bothering him. He was tempted to smack him across the back of his pointed head, how many times did he tell Flynn not to get too close? To stay away from her? Not to get involved? One of these days, the stubborn fool would start listening to him.

Provenza just shrugged and moved farther from her office, back toward his own desk. "We'll have to get her a cake," he said. "And a balloon… It's a girl."

Sykes looked confused. "Sir?" She glanced at the Captain's closed office door before turning her attention back on the Lieutenant. "Is that… I didn't know… they had grandchildren?"

Tao winced and ducked his head. "Amy…"

Sanchez snorted quietly and leaned back in his seat. "I'm just glad the Captain didn't hear that. Remind me to take you to the shooting range the next time she qualifies."

At his desk, Andy's hand tightened around his pen. His teeth ground together. He looked up, rolled his eyes heavenward, and forced himself to release the breath he'd just drawn. He could feel his shoulders tightening by the moment. He cast an annoyed look at Sykes and pinned her with his dark eyes. "It's Jack's daughter. The Captain is adopting her," he bit out. "They reconciled to raise her together." It wasn't too far from the truth, although together was a bit of a stretch, he knew. Honestly, he didn't want to think about it.

The more he tried not to, however, the more that was all that occupied his mind. Andy shook his head and stood up. He reached for his jacket and drew it off the back of his chair. "I'm going down to see Morales. Maybe if I stand over him a little bit, he'll rush that autopsy."

"Good luck with that." Tao cast a sympathetic look at him. "He hates it when we do that."

"Then he'll have to learn to like it," Flynn shot back. He strode away from them, and if truth be told he just wanted any excuse to get out of there. He slammed his hand against the buttons when he reached the elevator, and hoped that it would be empty. Sad, moist eyes and a tremulous smile. That's what he kept remembering. The taste of her tears mingled in that last kiss. Andy drew a thin breath between his teeth and stalked onto the elevator when the doors opened. It was, thankfully, empty. He punched the button for the ground level and backed up to lean against the wall.

He wondered if he'd get lucky enough that when he got back Sharon would be gone. It was a hell of a thing, but part of him was hoping she'd decide to take the kid and get out of there for the night. It would get easier, he thought. It had to. It sure as hell couldn't get any worse.

MCMCMCMCMCMC

"What's that?"

Sharon looked up at the sound. She had returned to her desk and was continuing to work her way through the endless amount of administrative paperwork that came with her job. She smiled patiently at Anna, who it seemed had grown bored with the few toys that Jack had brought to keep her occupied. "It's a time sheet," she replied. "If I don't approve them, my guys in the other room don't get paid on time."

Her little brows drew together, while her nose wrinkled with the confused frown. "What's paid?"

Sharon tilted her head at the child. A brow arched, and in spite of the interruption, a smile was forming. She tapped the end of her pen against the file that was open in front of her. "It's when you're given money for doing a job." She remembered this age. There would be a dozen more questions before Anna would want something else to focus her attention on.

"What's money?" She peered over the edge of the desk, only just tall enough to see what secrets lay atop it.

"Hm." She suppressed a chuckle while she considered what terms she could put it in that Anna would understand. Sharon placed her chin in her hand. "It's what you use to buy food, and houses, and… new dolls."

"Oh." Her eyes widened. Anna nodded slowly. "That's really important," she said seriously.

"Yes," Sharon agreed. "My officers think so too." The little girl was well behaved, or as well behaved as any child was at that age. She was bright, and it was easy to see that at one time she had been well adjusted. Sharon still knew so very little about her. Jack had acquired her medical records and all the legal documents that they needed, but there was so much that those papers couldn't tell them. Sharon drew a breath and let it out slowly. The situation was still so very surreal, and there was still so much for them to do before the dust would begin to settle. For now, they were strangers to Anna, and she to them.

Her eyes tracked the child as she moved away from her desk and circled the office. Sharon rested her arms against the top of her desk and leaned forward, keeping her eyes on Anna. When the girl looked at every thing and finally stopped in front of the low shelf near the door. She pointed at the wooden sculpture atop it and turned back to Sharon. "What's that?"

"Tell you what." Sharon pushed up from behind the desk. "Why don't we go find something to eat." She glanced at her watch. It had only been half an hour since Jack dropped her off. She held out her hand, and wrapped her fingers around Anna's much smaller one before leaving the office with her.

As it so happened, her timing could not have been better. As they entered the Murder Room, Buzz appeared, obviously returning from a food run, as he was laden down with bags and a drink tray. "Captain, you're just in time," Provenza stated upon seeing her. "I sent Buzz for food, and Flynn is on his way back. He went to go bug Morales into hurrying it up."

Sharon felt like sighing. "Which means that he's either got the autopsy results, or he's annoyed the good doctor into waiting until tomorrow," she said drily.

"Luckily for us, it's the first," he said. "Turns out the doc was just wrapping it up when Flynn got there."

Anna looked up at her. "What's autopsy."

Sharon actually cringed at that one. "I think we're going to have to find you a babysitter soon," she said.

"For the record," Buzz stated, from where he was setting the food on an empty desk. "My cut off is age sixteen, and that's only for special witness cases."

"I hope your cut off is a lot older than that, Buzz," Sanchez said. He came over to look through the bags and began laying out warm sandwiches and fries. The salad he found, he placed aside. He didn't even have to ask, that one would be for the Captain.

"Gentlemen," Sharon gave them a warning look. Hopefully they would remember that there was a small child present and keep it clean. She didn't need any more difficult questions. "Anna, can you say hello to everyone?" It occurred to her that she should have introduced the child earlier, but now was as good a time as any, seeing as they were taking a break to eat. "This is Buzz, and that is Detective Sanchez, and Detective Sykes…" She pointed each member of her team out, and finally concluded with the elder Lieutenant. "You already met Lieutenant Provenza."

The little girl's nose wrinkled. She stayed close to Sharon as the introductions were made, and leaned into her legs. "What is your real name?"

His brows lifted. "It's Lieutenant Provenza," he told her, while managing to not grin.

Anna shook her head. "That's not a name." It sounded awfully funny to her. "What's your real real name?"

The Lieutenant, who had risen to retrieve a sandwich bent down so he was closer to her. "My real, real name," he drawled, "is Lieutenant Provenza."

His face was utterly serious. The room was silent for a moment, but then Anna's eyes, which had gotten wide, closed. She pressed a hand to her forehead and leaned backward against Sharon's legs, she would have fallen if not for the hand that Sharon placed against her shoulder. She giggled. "You're so silly!"

It drew laughter from everyone, which was quickly muffled. Even Sharon pressed a hand against her mouth and snorted quietly. The Lieutenant just continued to stare, stone faced, at the child. When Anna stopped laughing and met his gaze again, he leaned a little closer. "You have no idea," he whispered. Then he straightened and retrieved his meal.

"Okay little miss." Sharon placed a hand atop her head and maneuvered the child closer to where Buzz was standing. From him, she accepted the wrapped grilled cheese that he had gotten for Anna, and the small carton of fries. "Thank you, Buzz." She smiled gratefully at him. They did, sometimes, take him for granted, but she was always appreciative. She made a mental note to make sure that he knew just how much. "Anna, take this please." She placed the sandwich in the child's hand. "Don't drop it," she cautioned. Then she retrieved her salad and both of the bottled waters that were put aside for them.

Sharon considered the mess that could be made out of even a simple meal, and thought better of joining the others in the murder room. "If Rusty arrives, let him know we're in the break room," she told Buzz, and began herding Anna in that direction.

They had only just reached it, and Sharon was juggling the items in her hand and getting the door open when Andy strode down the hall toward them on his way back from the elevators at the end of the hall. He jogged the last few steps and caught the door for her, pushing it open. "I've got that," he said quietly.

She looked up at him, and for just a moment their eyes met and held. "Thank you," she said softly, and forced herself to look away. She averted her gaze to Anna and readjusted her grip on the water bottles in her right hand. "You have the results from Doctor Morales?" She asked, in lieu of anything better.

He stared back at her, and then Andy picked a spot just over her shoulder and focused on it instead. "Yeah. It's all right here," he indicated the file in his other hand. "He uh… had some interesting things to say." In deference to the kid standing just in front of her, he didn't elaborate further. As his thoughts moved to her, so too did Andy's gaze. He studied the little girl, who was staring back at him, just as curiously. She was all bouncing, golden brown curls and big blue eyes. There was absolutely no resemblance at all to Sharon, of course there wouldn't be, but he could see where someone might mistake a relation. Andy almost snorted at that. Jackson Raydor had a type, he guessed, because while the kid looked like him, there were many other elements that were completely foreign. "So…" His gaze lifted to Sharon again. "You goin' in?" He nodded his head toward the break room, and the fact that he still held the door for her.

"Yes, of course. Thank you, Lieutenant." Sharon gently nudged Anna forward. "Go and find a table."

Instead, Anna just looked up at her. "Is his name Lieutenant too?"

It drew a smile, albeit a small one, from Andy. "She met Provenza," he said, but it was more a statement than a question.

"Yes." Sharon exhaled quietly. "Anna, this is Lieutenant Flynn."

He hesitated for a moment, waiting. When nothing else was forthcoming from Sharon, he looked down at the child. "Andy," he told her, and was reminded just how much he missed hearing Sharon say his name.

Anna smiled, and when prodded again, she slipped into the break room and to the first table she came to. "Thank you," Sharon said again, and moved into the room herself. She leaned her hip against the door, holding it.

"Yeah," he said, and looked down at the file in his other hand. He tapped it against his thigh. "We can go over this in a little while. It can wait," he told her, "Until someone picks her up."

There was an edge in his tone, one she understood and expected. Sharon nodded. "Agreed." There was more that she would have liked to say. Instead, she quietly swallowed the words and stepped away from the door. "I won't be long."

This time he sighed. "Captain, it's fine. Have dinner with your kid." He was more terse this time, but decided that he didn't regret it. Instead, Andy stepped away from the door and let it close between them. He wouldn't let himself look back as he strode past the windows that lined the break room. No matter how badly he wanted to.

She leaned back against the door after it closed and let her eyes drift shut. She drew a breath and let it out slowly. Suddenly her appetite was completely gone. When she opened her eyes again, she found Anna scowling at her sandwich.

"I can't open it," the child complained, almost whining.

Sharon wanted to sigh again. It was on the tip of her tongue to call after Andy, to remind him that she's not mine, but she couldn't. She pushed away from the door and crossed the room instead. "Let me try," she said quietly. Sharon set the items in her hands on the table, then let them cover Anna's. She gently pried them away and worked open the paper wrapping of the sandwich. She spread it out for her on the table, and then placed the fries beside it. "There you go." Anna's smile was back, and Sharon reminded herself that this was her life now. Whatever else she might have wanted, it was time to put those thoughts aside and look forward, instead of looking back.