Better or Worse
by Kadi
Rated T
Disclaimer: This is not my sandbox. I only visit it.
It had been a thankfully quiet weekend. Major Crimes had wrapped up a case on Thursday evening, and with the paperwork finished by the end of that Friday, Sharon was hoping that her people would enjoy a rare, full weekend off. They might still catch another case, but Saturday was already nearly over, and so far her phone had not rang with news of a murder, or other crime which would fall under their purview.
It wasn't only her team that needed the time off, she reflected, while steadily folding the clothes she pulled from a basket on her bed. Things were just a little easier now that her team knew about Jack and Anna, and while there had been a few probing questions, everything had settled once again in the days that followed that first introduction. It had been more than a week, and the initial awkwardness was fading. They were less open, less trusting with Jack this round, but it was to be expected. Jack would need to earn more than just her trust back in the days that would follow. In the dark looks that he was getting from Julio, Sharon knew that her people were prepared to close ranks around her.
It was heartening, and just a little bit humbling, when she considered where she had been with these people just two years ago. Anna was now becoming a fixture for them as well, something which had been inevitable. Now it was not unusual to see the little girl, although Sharon tried to keep those visits limited. With Rusty she had little choice in the matter, but he had also been old enough that he could be left to his own devices in his cubicle or the break room. The department was really no place for a child, and surely not one as young as Anna. There were times, however, when it just could not be helped. Now that the others knew, Rusty or Jack were not so hesitant in stopping by with Anna in the afternoons or evening, even if it were only in passing.
As life settled toward something resembling normal, Anna too was beginning to settle with them. Nights were still not pleasant, and at the risk of jinxing it, Sharon had at least been able to sleep the last two nights without a frightened child waking her. It wasn't completely over, she knew, but there was light at the end of that tunnel. All they could do was give Anna time, patience, and consistency. The latter was much harder to come by, but they were trying very hard. Distraction worked well. By fitting Anna into her police life, as Rusty was calling it, it was feeling more normal. The more relaxed each of them felt, the better it would be for Anna.
Sharon smiled as she considered that. Rusty had obviously been talking to Doctor Joe about this situation. She didn't mind it. Whatever helped him, and whatever healthy ways he coped with the many changes in his life, she was more than on board with. She thought they could use a little bit of Doctor Joe's advice, but she also thought that Anna was a little young, just yet, for a psychologist's assistance. She would continue to give her time instead, and if that did not work, she would reevaluate that decision.
Time was something that they all needed, she thought. By all of them, her thoughts turned toward her elder children. It was so much harder for Ricky or Emily to come to terms with everything when they both lived so far away. Ricky was planning to join them soon, he wanted to speak to his father, and of course he would meet his half-sister. Emily was in the middle of a show. While currently they were in the production phase, she couldn't get away, although she wanted to. It would be Christmas, or a week or two prior before they saw her. Sharon had no doubt when her children told her that they wanted to be with her that it was true. Both of them were upset with their father, and for that Sharon was truly sorry, but it wasn't a situation that she could change or help. Jack had brought this on himself, he would need to face their feelings on the matter. There was no getting around that, especially if he wanted this to work.
What exactly this was, Sharon still didn't know. There were days when she was angry enough at Jack that she wanted to shake him, and the rest of the time she was just resigned to the way things needed to be. Soon, she hoped she would be able to explain it to herself, she certainly couldn't explain it to anyone else. She had tried.
"But mom," Emily had questioned. "Ricky said you were seeing someone…" It was a fact that she could have denied to anyone but Emily. Her daughter knew her just too well, and so instead she was left explaining that it simply hadn't gone anywhere. How could it?
"I'm a married woman."
Never before had that statement rang more painfully in her memory. It was meant to put both their minds at ease, and now it was the one thing keeping them apart. She was keeping them apart. It was just so foolish that her mind kept returning to that, and it wasn't only her mind. The heart wanted what it couldn't have. That was something she was trying very hard to come to terms with.
It wasn't only her children questioning her. Only just that week she had spoken to her mother. Sharon called to let her parents know that she and the children would not be making the trip to Park City this year, as previously planned. While they understood that her work could get in the way at a moment's notice, they hadn't expected her to cancel her Christmas plans before Halloween was even upon them. It had, of course, warranted an explanation. Sharon told them about Jack and Anna, and the decision she made to stop the divorce. Her mother's surprised, and slightly disappointed, "Oh Sharon, you didn't, did you?" still rang in her mind. Well, of course she had, but unlike everyone else in her life, her mother wasn't going to let it go without a full explanation.
Her parents were not exactly pleased with the situation, but then, she wasn't entirely pleased with it herself. Still, she was well beyond being a grown woman and while they would express their opinions on the matter and had, at length, they wouldn't tell her what to do. They understood, completely now, why Sharon was staying home with the children. "We need to work on a few things," she told them, and they had agreed. They were disappointed, as was she. It had been too long since she visited. More than that, they had been looking forward to finally meeting Rusty, and that was one introduction that Sharon very much wanted to make, even if the boy was nervous about it.
Sharon promised herself that she would get out to see them soon. They didn't travel much anymore, not at their ages. She would take Rusty and Anna, and whatever she had to do, she would make sure that Ricky and Emily could make the trip as well.
In the meantime, Sharon reflected, they did have things to work on at home. She pulled a pair of tiny jeans from the basket and folded them. Most of the laundry was Anna's; she had forgotten just how much a small child could generate in laundry each week, and she was sorely behind on it. Rusty tried to help, and oddly enough, Jack had pitched in as well. He was trying, but that only irritated her more, because he certainly never bothered to help with the laundry before.
Sharon supposed that she was being a bit uncharitable and possibly just down right crabby on that matter, but Jack would survive it. Agreeing to remain married to him, and setting up house with him once more wasn't exactly the same thing as having a marriage. So perhaps she didn't feel too bad if she was just a little bit cranky with him. Sharon decided that it wouldn't hurt him to continue trying to get back into her good graces.
She smiled a bit at that thought and added a small t-shirt to the growing stack of folded laundry on her bed. The smile faded quickly, however. This sense of melancholy that she was feeling had settled over her almost immediately upon arriving home. Sharon knew exactly the cause for it, and unable to hold it at bay any longer, she retreated from the others. While alone she could let her mind wander. She could feel the ache that tensed between her shoulder blades, and the way that her heart clenched and her stomach tightened. Sharon sighed quietly. It would do no one any good if she took her current mood out on them.
It was best if she was alone. Even if being alone had her mind returning to the events of earlier that day. It had been pleasant enough. She had known Jack for almost her entire adult life, they were capable of being civil adults. They could relate to each other in that fashion, and especially in front of the children. It wasn't the source of her current downtrodden emotions.
The moment which had caused the day to shift had come as they stopped for lunch. Jack had been carrying Anna under one arm, while the child laughed and hung limply, like the rag doll that she was pretending to be. She had been laughing too, as she recalled. Jack was always good with the kids, when he was present, and there had been times she swore it was like having three of them. Age hadn't tempered that much. Sharon saw a bit of the old goofball in him come out from time to time with Anna. Those weren't painful memories. Perhaps a little bittersweet, but pleasant enough that she hadn't disliked the reminder. She could get lost in it, and she had. Sharon had been riding the good feeling that the day had produced, right up until the moment that they had, almost literally, bumped into Andy Flynn's daughter.
Nicole was coming out of the restaurant with her two boys. Jack had looped an arm around Sharon's shoulders as they conspired on what to do with the little rag doll he was carrying, and whether or not rag dolls could have ice cream if they finished all of their lunch. Standing with him as she was, Sharon wasn't even paying attention to their surroundings. She had looked back in surprise when someone called her name.
"Sharon." Nicole smiled brightly upon realizing that it was her, and not just some stranger with an odd likeness. "I thought that was you. How are you?"
Her smile froze in place, and Jack must have sensed the shift in her. His arm moved from around her shoulders, although his hand slid down her back. He cast a curious look at her, but didn't speak as he righted Anna in his arms, settling her on his hip. "Nicole." She managed, somehow, to sound normal. At least she hoped that she did. "I'm good. It's been too long." Almost immediately, her eyes fell to the boys that were with her. "Look at you two, you've gotten so big."
It was expected that they would get hugs, they always did. Neither Michael nor his younger brother Tommy hesitated at all in stepping forward to receive them. Sharon stooped and caught both boys to her. "I can't even believe how tall you've gotten," she continued, looking at both of them as she knelt in front of them. "Have you been good? Are you still dancing?"
"Oh yes," Nicole laughed. "They're always dancing. The good part…" Her dark eyes sparkled down at her stepsons as she drew them back and Sharon rose. "Well, we're working on that."
Sharon chuckled quietly, but she didn't really feel the laughter. "They're boys," she explained. "Being good isn't always easy. Is it?" While they shook their heads, she returned her gaze to their stepmother. "What are you up to today?"
"Oh, we're just out and about," Nicole explained. "Dad's actually inside taking care of the check," she waved a hand behind her. "He'll be out in a moment. Were you headed in?" Her gaze turned questioning and she looked at the man and child that were with her father's… well, she wasn't exactly sure what she was. He said they were friends, but Nicole would swear there was more to it than that. Although lately, she realized, he hadn't talked about her much at all. Nicole felt her smile falter when she realized that her father had been deflecting any of her questions about Sharon for the last several weeks.
"Yes." Sharon glanced beside her and let her gaze move from Jack to Anna. It would be unconscionably rude to ignore the introduction, and no matter at how awkward it felt, she couldn't seem to reconcile herself to the rudeness. Her own smile was a little weak as she gestured at Jack beside her. "We were just stopping for lunch before looking at the next property, and I'm so sorry…" She laid a hand on Jack's arm, although her hand itched to be pulled back immediately. "Nicole, this is Jack Raydor, my husband." The word hadn't wanted to leave her throat, but she forced it out. "And this is Anna," she felt her stomach clench painfully. "Our daughter." That was true enough, even if the adoption wasn't quite final yet.
"Oh." Nicole's eyes widened. She looked between the two of them and the child. She couldn't be much younger than Tommy. "I…" Nicole blinked a few times, and was reminded of just how often her father told her that he was only friends with this woman. That she was married, although separated. Well, she supposed the latter wasn't exactly true anymore? Nicole tilted her head curiously, just what had been going on between her father and this woman? She shook her head and held out a hand. "It's very nice to meet you, Mr. Raydor."
"Jack, please," he corrected with a small smile. He glanced at Sharon, and beneath her makeup he could see that she had gone a little pale at running into the woman. He tilted his head at her, and his hand moved to the middle of her back again. It was a questioning look that he was giving her. He could read her well, most of the time, and right now she was closed off, something that he found odd.
An explanation was warranted, Sharon knew. She smiled tightly at Jack and gestured toward the younger woman again. "Nicole is Lieutenant Flynn's daughter," she told him. "The boys are her stepsons. Anna," she took the little girl out of Jack's arms and set her on the ground in front of them. "Can you say hello to Michael and Tommy?" She knew so few people and even fewer that were nearer to her own age. Sharon knelt with her, and the boys it seemed, were deciding to play shy too all over a sudden.
Nicole joined them, and knelt between her boys. "Do you dance too, Anna?" she asked, recalling that Sharon's older daughter was with a ballet company back east.
Deciding that she didn't want to meet another stranger right now, Anna turned and wrapped her arms around Sharon's neck. She pressed her face against her shoulder. "No," Sharon answered for her. "We haven't decided what we like to do yet." In saying that, she was reminded just how little they knew of Anna's interests. It was time, she reminded herself, to start exploring options. "We're not sure if this one is going to be a dancer, or if she's more sporty. It could be that like Rusty her interests are more academic than physical."
It was while they were talking about the kids that Andy joined them. Sharon had risen with Anna still in her arms. The child went easily back to her father. The two stared at each other and the moment became almost unbearably awkward. "Captain."
"Lieutenant." She forced her gaze back to Nicole and smiled again. "Well, we should let you get going, and this one needs lunch if she's going to get ice cream."
The mention of food, specifically dessert, had Anna's head lifting. "I want burgers," she stated and lifted her chin at Sharon.
She was just smiling too much to make it an effective order. Sharon arched a brow at her. "Contrary to anything that Rusty has told you, burgers are not a food group, and you cannot eat them every day."
"No, but I think between her and her brother, they're going to try." Jack guided Sharon forward, toward the door and away from the group that consisted of her Lieutenant, his daughter, and grandsons. "It was nice meeting you," he stated, and at the risk of having Sharon angry with him, he specifically kept his gaze off Flynn. If he looked at the man, he'd want to poke at him. Did they think he didn't know what had been going on in his absence? Not that he could talk, of course, and the evidence of that was in his arms. That didn't mean that he had to like it.
"Yeah, we should go," Andy said to his daughter. "I'll see you on Monday, Captain."
Like a rift opening between them, they separated. It was all too real, running into Andy and Nicole while out with Jack. It wasn't something she expected to have happen, although she supposed it was inevitable. Sharon thought that must make it official now. The two had been on family outings, it was entirely separate and there was no bridging that gap.
Her mood had not much recovered since then. Once they were home again, she busied herself as much as possible. Sharon started dinner and then retreated with the laundry. Where she stood now, quietly folding the evidence of just how much her life had changed, and just how different it was from what she had pictured a few months ago.
She felt movement beside her and glanced over. A brow arched when the man behind all that was occupying her thoughts appeared beside her. Sharon said nothing as she drew a simple cotton nightgown out of the basket and folded it. When Jack reached into the basket as well, her head tilted at him.
Sharon had retreated, almost the moment they had gotten home. It had been a busy day. They had gone to look at a couple of apartments downtown, and even a house out in Echo Park. She hadn't liked any of them, although she had remarked that the house had a yard that Anna would probably enjoy. Then they'd gone to see a condo in a high rise, she seemed to have liked that one the best. They had taken Anna with them, and it had been nice, Jack thought. Rusty was working, so it was just the three of them. He wasn't foolish enough to think, or even comment that they had actually almost seemed like a family.
It had also been a day of errands. They'd had lunch together and then there had been the grocery shopping and the dry cleaning to pick up. It was normal. He almost forgot what normal felt like. Jack was thinking that maybe it wasn't so bad. He was wondering if Sharon would shoot him if he said that, though. He figured the odds were probably good. She was still mad. The woman could stay mad longer than anyone else he knew. It was a quiet anger too, and that always drove him nuts. He wished she'd slam doors and throw things, do something other than walk around silently fuming.
He had it coming, he knew that. Jack just wondered for how long?
He glanced at her now, and she seemed okay. Actually, she had seemed just fine for most of the day. She wasn't exactly as open as he knew she could be, but she wasn't being cold. That might've been for Anna's benefit, he thought. At least, she had been okay until they ran into Flynn and his daughter. Since then, she had been quiet. Jack knew that was why she was finding busy work. He wanted to comment on it, but thought better of it. He didn't want to fight with Sharon.
They had been home for a while now. There was a pot roast in the oven for dinner, and he had actually thought he might cry when Sharon retreated into the kitchen to start making it. He remembered that pot roast, it had been a really long time since he'd had it. She hadn't cooked much since he'd been back, come to think of it, she hadn't cooked much the last time either. She was busy, always working and when she did make dinner, it was quick and simple. He seemed to recall that she liked cooking, and she was pretty damned good at it too. A small grin tugged at his lips. He used to brag about that. His wife, she could out shoot and out cook any cop on the force. He wondered if she knew? Jack decided she definitely would shoot him if he brought it up now.
After she had the roast in the oven, she had disappeared into the small closet at the back of the condo. He wouldn't call it a utility room, it was hardly more than a pair of sliding doors in front of a small washer and dryer with shelves above it. Jack knew that Sharon could be as outgoing as anyone, but when it came to her quiet time, it was best to let her have it. That had been a while ago, however. They'd been home a few hours now, and he was finally feeling brave enough to breach the silence.
"So," he began carefully, "You liked the place we looked at earlier?" Jack cast another sideways glance at her while reaching for another shirt to carefully fold. "The condo over near Fountain Avenue," he said.
Sharon returned his glance while she thought about it. It had been very nice. "Where's Anna?" She asked instead.
"Rusty ran out to pick up something for dessert. Anna wanted to go with him. He didn't mind, so… I thought it would be okay." Jack shrugged. "It's not that late."
"No, that's okay," Sharon agreed. Rusty didn't seem to mind letting her tag along most of the time. He wouldn't have agreed to take her if he wanted to be alone. "I liked the condo," she admitted finally, and realized that it was true. "It's a little bigger than this place, but I don't think it's too big. The neighborhood is nice, and it's closer to downtown for both of us.
"No, I agree." Jack considered it for a moment, then he shrugged. "Can we afford that, Sharon? Like you said, it's a nice neighborhood." It was a high rise, near the Hollywood area, and in a building that was less then ten years old.
There was that word again. We. Sharon glanced, more sharply at him. She didn't want to be a we, or an us, or even a Jack and I, but somehow that was exactly what they had become again. She drew a breath and let it out slowly. It wouldn't do to become upset about it. It was the decision that she had made. Again, they all needed time, and she was no different. There were some things that she would need to get used to as well.
"I think it will be okay," she said quietly. "With the sale of this place, and the financing, it won't be too bad." Her brow arched and she looked back at him. "Did you want to keep looking?"
"If it's what you want," he sighed. Jack dropped a pair of socks onto the bed and turned to look at her. "I mean, I know we're pressed in here pretty tight." For emphasis, he waved a hand at the bed and small dresser that they had squeezed into the corner. If Sharon moved the wrong way in the middle of the night, her toes paid the price. He'd heard her swear at it, more than once, and even Rusty's brows had gone up at some choice words he'd never heard come out of her mouth before. "If you want to keep looking," he said, "We can. We don't have to take it just because we need the space. If you want something else…" He trailed off, because she'd gone back to folding clothes. "What about the house, you liked the yard didn't you? I know the drive would be longer, but—"
"I don't want a house." Sharon cut him off quickly. She shook her head. "I had a house, Jack. I don't want another one." Her movements became more uncoordinated as thoughts of how she'd lost that house just annoyed her. "I sold it to help Ricky pay for Stanford, and Emily to get established in New York." She slapped a pair of jeans on a pile of already folded garments and reached for another.
"Right." He held up his hands. "Okay. No house. I get it. I'm sorry. Touchy subject." Jack supposed that he should feel lucky that she didn't also bring up the fact that she had paid off the last of the debts he'd left her with years before. Since then, she'd done well, invested well, and of course she had this place. College tuition, however, was expensive and so was her shopping habit… but Jack wisely kept his mouth closed on that subject. They all had their little vices. Armani was hers. He supposed it could be a lot worse. "I just meant, we could keep looking."
"I know." She ran a hand over her hair and sighed. It had come loose from the clip she placed it in earlier, and was falling in tousled curls around her neck and shoulders. Sharon pulled the clip out and ran her hands through it. She tossed the clip aside while she let her mind wander over all the things that she was currently thinking about. "I'm sorry," she said finally. "You're right, that is a touchy subject, and it's in the past. It was unfair to bring it up again." Sharon drew a breath and began stacking the clothes that they had folded. She carried them to the small dresser that was holding Anna's clothes and began putting them away. "I liked it," she said after another minute's worth of silence. "The condo, it was nice. I like the view." She glanced at him, and managed a small, if weak smile. "It's near enough to the park for Anna, and I liked that one of the bedrooms was directly across the hall from the master. She'll be close, but we won't be tripping over each other." Sharon straightened and her smile grew more genuine. "I'll be able to wear heels again."
"I don't know." Jack looked at her feet, safely encased in a pair of soft flats. He picked up the remaining stack of laundry and carried it to her. "Do you think they'll recover? I got a good look at that pinky toe the other night. It may never be the same."
Sharon laughed. "Well, they say that beauty is pain. I suppose I'm about to learn that first hand, hm?"
"Yeah, I think you're going to have to." Jack tilted his head at her. "You're just too short in those things. No one is going to take you seriously." When she rolled her eyes at him, he grinned outright.
"I am not short," Sharon sniffed at him. "I'm average height for a woman." She tossed her hair and placed the stack of shirts in the appropriate drawer before closing it.
"Right." Jack smirked. "For a woman." His brow arched at her. "you're not a woman." Her eyes narrowed, and it only made his sparkle. "You're Darth Raydor, remember?"
She snorted at him and walked around to pull the basket off her bed. She placed it instead on the floor near the hamper to begin filling it with the next load that would need washed. Sharon tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. "I'll make the calls on Monday. We can start the process. I'd like to be moved in before Thanksgiving. I'm not sure how feasible that's going to be. Ricky is planning on being here, and it would be nice to be unpacked and settled." He was going to visit before that, but there was a small part of her that held out hope Emily might surprise them with a visit over that long holiday weekend too. Unlikely, but she could hope. Otherwise, it was going to be closer to Christmas before she saw her baby girl again.
"Then we can start the dreaded packing." Jack leaned against the door frame of the master bath that was attached to her room. He stuffed his hands into his pockets while he watched her sorting laundry. "What secrets has Sharon got hidden all over this condo," He teased, while waggling his brows.
"Wouldn't you like to know." Sharon straightened and swept her hair back. She placed her hands on her hips and shot a narrow-eyed gaze at him. "I'd best not catch you poking around either," she warned, and pointed a finger at him as an afterthought.
"Hey," He put his hands up and pushed away from the door frame. "Would I do that?" At her very pointed look, he grinned crookedly. "Okay, I did once, but I learned my lesson, honey." Jack picked up the basket for her and carried it over, to set on the dresser, nearer to the door. "I think I should point out for you, Sharon, you can't pack an entire condo by yourself. You're going to need some help. I might have to open a closet or two."
"Not if you know what's good for you," she shot back at him. Sharon stalked toward him. "You ruined a very expensive pair of Jimmy Choo boots tromping all over them with those feet of yours." She poked his chest. "I'll pack my closets, thank you very much."
"Does that mean the drawers are fair game?" His brows bobbed.
Sharon groaned and turned away. "I walked into that one. Stay out of those too." She shook her head at him, and when she felt his hands at her waist, she went stiff. Jack leaned into her back, and his face was near her neck. Whatever levity she had felt return began to fade. "What are you doing?"
She felt stiff as a board in his arms. He nosed her hair aside and pulled her back against him. Jack's hands slid around her waist until his arms circled her. "I miss you, Shar," he said quietly. "I miss this. I miss us," he explained, and not without a good dose of regret in his tone.
His lips moved along her neck, beneath her ear in a soft kiss. Sharon shrugged away from him and removed his hands. She stepped out of his embrace and turned. "Don't," she said, when it seemed he would step forward. She placed a hand against his chest and gave him a firm push backward. "There isn't an us, Jack. There hasn't been for a very long time. Missing it might be something that you should have thought about before you left."
"My god!" He ran a hand over his hair. "How long are you going to make me pay for that?" Jack shook his head at her. He threw his hands up in exasperation. "I'm here, aren't I? For crying out loud, Sharon, I'm trying here!"
"Oh," she snorted a laugh, but it sounded hollow even to her ears. "How long, Jack? How long are you going to be here this time? What's the matter, darling, are you lonely?" Sharon's eyes flashed angrily. "You haven't found someone to replace the last girlfriend, or perhaps the idea of middle-aged fatherhood is turning off the young, pretty things you try to attract? Not that it's really a problem, the wife is at home, you'll just warm her up a little and everything will be fine." Her voice dipped, it shook with emotion and perhaps much of it was pent up, but she couldn't quite believe that he really thought she would be so easily swayed at this stage in the game. "What goes through your mind? I'd like to know, Jack. Down on your luck? Call Sharon. Get into a little trouble, call Sharon. Need a warm body to roll around with, let's call Sharon if no one else is available. Do you really think that it's going to work, now, of all times? Honestly, Jack, what could you be thinking?" She didn't really want to know the answer, so she shook her head. "Actually tell me, how did you picture it? Will the bed suffice or should we just go at it right here on the floor."
She was angry. Angrier than he thought he had seen in a very long time. Jack looked down and sighed. His first urge was to fight back. That was usually how it went. She said things, he said a few more, and then one of them left. Actually, in all fairness, he left. It was a pattern that they had perfected over the years. His jaw clenched, while his throat ached with the force of holding back everything that he was tempted to shoot back at her. The problem was, she hadn't exactly yelled, and while her eyes were a narrowed, frosty shade of jade, he could see more hurt than he could anger. He also realized he really had no where else to go. Not now, not with everything that happened.
Jack sighed quietly and shook his head. He lifted his gaze slowly from the floor. His hands had gone to his hips, and clenched there for a moment. "You're right, Sharon. I'm sorry." He took a cautious step forward, and held his hands in front of him when her eyes flashed a warning. "You're pissed, and I get it. You've been pissed at me for a long time, and maybe I deserve it. Actually I probably do." She didn't bolt, she folded her arms in front of her, and he placed his hands, carefully, on her shoulders. He could feel the bunching of her muscles beneath his palms as he let them slide down to her upper arms. "I'm here though," he continued. "I did a lot of things wrong, and I don't know if I can do any of it right, I'm not even sure if I remember what that really is anymore. But I'm trying. I'm not just here cause I need money, or a cosigner, or a thousand other reasons that I've used over the years. Yeah, I left. I walked out. Too many times, and I'm sure you could count them all off for me. I'm here now, and I do miss how it was. You know, before I left the first time. Maybe today reminded me of that." He shrugged, and offered a sheepish smile. "You know, when Emily was little, before Ricky was born."
Sharon averted her gaze and let her teeth grind together. She inhaled deeply and let the breath out slowly. She tried to calm the emotions that he provoked. She was angry with him, and she wanted to be angry with him, and so she had lost her temper just a bit. Maybe she needed to. Maybe he needed to hear everything that she never said to him, and all the things that she usually pushed aside in the name of personal and family harmony. Sharon closed her eyes and exhaled again. Perhaps he was not the only one who had been reminded of how things used to be, long ago, before he exchanged his family for his addictions, and before he became a person that manipulated her instead of loved her. She didn't step away from him, but neither did Sharon relax. Instead, she shook her head slowly.
"I'm not ready yet," she spoke quietly, and it was barely a whisper. Her voice caught and she drew her bottom lip between her teeth. "I don't know if I ever will be, but right now I am just… not. I know you're trying," she conceded softly. Sharon lifted her gaze slowly and shrugged delicately. "I don't know that this is going to work, I don't now if it can. I just… I need some time, Jack. Please?"
The last was spoken so quietly it was almost a whisper. His hands moved to cup her elbows. She was being honest with him, at least. Although, Jack knew that she always was. Even when it was something he didn't want to hear. Most of the time he didn't want to hear it, now that he thought about it. Jack nodded quietly. "Time," he repeated after a moment. She wasn't shutting him down completely. That was something, a crack in the ice maybe. "I can do that," he decided with a sigh. "Maybe its not a bad idea."
They heard the door open and close in the outer room. That was Anna and Rusty returning from their trip to the store. Sharon pulled away from him and walked toward the door. She schooled her features as she went. "I should check on dinner," she said.
"Hey." Jack caught her arm before she could move too far beyond him. "Do you think you're ever going to forgive me?"
Sharon stared back at him, her mask slipped again. She smiled sadly. "I just don't know, Jack." She held his gaze for a moment, and when he nodded, she slipped away again. Sharon made her way into the living room, and by the time she stepped out of the hall, she had a smile in place. Rusty would see beyond it, she was sure, her boy was far too intuitive for his own good. Anna, on the other hand, who jogged toward her with a wide smile was none the wiser. "So, who wants to help me set the table…"
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The first thing that Ricky Raydor noticed when he arrived the following week was the obvious tension between his parents. That was nothing new for all of them. Ricky couldn't remember a time when there hadn't been some kind of tension between the two of them. By the time he was even Anna's age, they were having problems. His dad was gone by the time he was five, at least the first time. The next few years their family seemed to have a revolving door. Then he was just gone, for a good long while. He wasn't sure that he understood what kept his mother holding on, and most of the time, Ricky was pretty sure that he didn't want to understand it.
So his dad had managed to screw up again. Another thing that wasn't exactly new and it was no big surprise. The way in which he'd screwed up this time, well that was taking some getting used to. The whole idea of having a little sister was, well after the whole little brother thing - not so bad, but still very surreal. The part he couldn't wrap his head around was that his dad really had the guff to come to his mother with it all. More surprising, she let him. Again, he didn't understand it.
The kid was cute enough, he would give her that. For her, the whole idea of brothers and sisters was pretty abstract, and it was going to come with a big learning curve. Ricky figured they were all pretty much in the same boat.
On his second night in town, he decided to take everyone out to dinner. As he strode along the side walk beside his mother, after leaving the restaurant, Ricky dropped his arm around her shoulders. "I'm starting to worry about you." His father was walking ahead of them with Anna holding onto his hand. Ricky glanced over the top of his mother's head at Rusty. The two shared a grin. "You see, I'm just not sure that you're human."
"Hm." A smile curved her lips. "I would tread carefully if I were you, Richard." With her eyes sparkling, she wrapped an arm around his middle. It did help, so very much, to have him home. Even if it was only for a few days, it did her heart good. It was also wonderful to see him continuing to get along with Rusty, and now it was not only just for her.
"Well yeah," he arched a brow at her. His dark eyes were sparkling with mischief. "There's no telling what kind of alien creature you're going to turn into. I mean, it's been a busy year for you, mom. First you get me a brother, and now you get me a sister… and check you out, I think you even lost weight. You're too thin."
"For that last part, I will forgive you." Sharon laughed. She shook her head at him, and shot a look at Rusty when he laughed along with them. "Careful, this sibling thing works on a guilt by association curve."
"She's not kidding." Ricky snorted. "How many times did I go down for Emily? It's not cool, little brother."
"I think the more appropriate question," Sharon stated, "is how many times did Emily go down for you." She fixed her son with a pointed look. "Nice try, Richard."
"That's twice." Rusty pointed out, in case his brother wasn't keeping track. "You're getting dangerously close to middle-name land."
"Really?" Ricky tossed a look at him. "Thank you, Russell. I hadn't noticed."
"Behave," Sharon grinned, despite the admonishment, "both of you."
"But he started it," they whined.
In front of them, Jack laughed. "Been a while since I heard that." He tossed a look back at the boys. "I'd be careful with that one if I were you. Don't poke the bear, and all of that," he said with a grin.
"Advice that you would do well to take," Sharon drawled with a smirk.
"I speak from experience, sweetheart," Jack shot back. "It's why I'm not doing the poking."
"Well, never let it be said that an old dog can't learn new tricks," she stated, only too sweetly.
Jack made a face at her and shook his head. He laughed. She was in a fairly decent mood, had been since Ricky's arrival. Of course, she had also had two glasses of wine with dinner, or had it been three? He wasn't entirely sure, but he wasn't going to ruin her good mood if he could help it. He had given her some distance since the confrontation in her bedroom several days before. At least, as much distance as he could given the size of the apartment and their current living arrangements. He looked down at Anna beside him, and when his daughter looked back, he shrugged. "Ruff."
Sharon snorted quietly and nudged Ricky. "He's your father."
"You married him," he pointed out with a grin. "I wasn't there, remember." Ricky just smirked down at her. "Benefits of coming along later. You can't blame it on me. Of course, last year, I would have said, it was the benefit of being the youngest, but that doesn't apply anymore."
"It's fleeting," Rusty stated. "Don't feel bad. One minute it's there, next minute it's gone." He had his hands in the pockets of his hoodie. He shrugged at Ricky and grinned. "I feel your pain."
When they reached Sharon's silver sedan, Jack unlocked the doors and passed Anna off to Rusty to get settled in the backseat. He rounded the car while Ricky was holding his mother's door for her, and slid in behind the steering wheel. Soon enough, they were buckled in and the car was pulling into traffic. They made it to only the first stoplight before Anna's plaintive voice drew his attention.
"You're touching my seat." She pushed Rusty's hand off the edge of her car seat. She wasn't quite big enough yet for a booster seat, even if she was almost too big to be considered a toddler anymore.
Rusty slanted a look at her. When Anna got busy playing with her doll again, he laid his arm against the edge of the carseat. In the rearview, Jack could see him watching her, a mixture of mischief and amusement in his gaze. He shook his head and glanced at Sharon. She was speaking to Ricky about his plans to spend the spring traveling in Europe.
"Rusty stop!" Anna whined and pushed his hand off her seat again. She made a face at him.
"Anna." Sharon's head rolled against the back of the seat. She cast a look into the backseat. "Don't whine. Rusty, don't even think about it." She caught him, and her eyes narrowed. His hand was poised to settle on the seat again. Normally it was a game the two of them played, but Anna was much too tired to enjoy it. The whining was the first indication that she would be easily tempted into a tantrum.
"That part, I didn't miss." Jack cut a look at her. He took a left at the next street and shook his head. "Remember that summer we drove out to your parents' place, with both kids."
She snorted. "I don't think I could forget." Sharon turned in her seat and made a face at Ricky. "The two of you tormented each other all the way there and then again all the way home."
"Mom, she's touching me," Jack mocked. "Ricky took my walkman." He rolled his eyes. "I think my ears are ringing again."
"After that rendition," Sharon drawled, "I'm not surprised."
"Dude." Rusty stared at him. "Walkman? Man, you are really old. That is like, the 8-track of personal listening devices. When were you born, like 1970?"
"Ha!" Ricky rolled his eyes. "Funny!" He made a face and then leaned down to Anna. "Can I see your doll? I think I need to show it to Rusty." He smiled widely and when she handed it over, Ricky threw it at Rusty. "There, have something to play with, you big baby."
The antics in the backseat were quickly digressing. Jack tilted his head when they stopped at the next light. "Now all we're missing is Emily with her ballet shoes, beating him over the head."
Sharon giggled quietly. She pressed the back of her hand against her mouth and looked toward the window. "Yes. I thought at least two of them were adults, but I think I was mistaken." The doll was tossed across the backseat again and her lips pursed. "Would you like to handle it?"
"Oh no…" Jack shook his head. "You were always better at that than I was. Your reputation does precede you, Sharon. Go right head." He glanced into the rearview again and physically winced when Anna squealed, loudly, and high-pitched. "Please."
"Hm." She looked into the backseat again. "Richard William, Russell Thomas, Anna Grace. That is enough. Ah!" She pointed a finger at her eldest son, who was poised to toss the doll again. "Give that back to your sister, right now. I don't want to see it out of her hands again. Anna, squeal like that again, and it's straight to bed when we get home. Do not even think about it," she said to Rusty, whose face was twisting toward a smirk that she knew was going to be directed at Ricky. "Act like the adults that you both are, and not the unruly five-year-olds you would obviously like to be."
"Yes ma'am," both boys slumped in their seats, hands in their laps. But they were exchanging looks and trying not to laugh. The gig was up when Sharon turned back around. Rusty bowed his head while his shoulders shook.
On the opposite side of the car, Ricky snorted quietly. He had a hand covering his face. "You got middle-named," he managed.
"Shh!" Rusty was leaning against his door. He slanted a look at Ricky and then snorted with quiet laughter.
"Boys." Sharon had her head resting against the back of her seat, and her eyes were closed. There was a smile playing against her lips.
The car was only silent for another minute. Anna heaved a sigh. "But I'm not a boy!"
Rusty and Ricky both dissolved into laughter. Jack shook his head. "I can only take responsibility for one of them," He said, speaking of the boys.
"I'm blaming you for all three," she decided.
Jack heaved a loud sigh, which in the interior of the car, sounded even louder. Finally, he just shook his head again. "Yes dear."
It was all it took to have Ricky laughing again. "Only took him thirty years to learn that one."
Sharon hummed quietly, but didn't respond. She still wasn't at all convinced that he had learned, but if they could make Ricky's visit more pleasant by being more civil toward one another, then that's what they would do. She still didn't know that she would ever forgive him, as he had asked. Only time would be able to determine that, at the moment, all she could agree on was a cease fire. A truce, of sorts, while they figured out all the particulars and whether or not they would really be able to continue living together again.
Time... to discover whether or not her heart would ever recover from loving another, someone she simply couldn't have.