Better or Worse

by Kadi

Rated T

Disclaimer: This is not my sandbox. I only visit it.

It took a few weeks to close on the sale of the new condo, and of course to sell the one they currently lived in. The location was prime enough, however, that it went almost immediately upon going on the market. Then they were faced with the chaos of the move. Packing took time. One simply did not realize how much could be acquired in personal possessions until it came time to pack it all away in boxes.

Sharon wanted to be settled into the condo by the Thanksgiving holiday, and by mid-October it seemed that was going to be a reality. They arranged the move for a weekend. Sharon oversaw as much of the packing as she could, between cases and making sure that Anna stayed on a schedule. It meant some late nights, especially if they were going to get moved within the thirty days that they were being allotted in the closing of her condo's sale.

The actual move took place over the course of a long weekend. Movers swept away boxes and furniture, and the furniture that they'd ordered for Anna's new room was scheduled to be delivered at the same time. It was, quite simply, organized chaos. Sharon wound up working part of it, and it was left to Jack and Rusty to see to it that everything arrived and was placed where she had indicated.

By midday Sunday her case had wrapped and she kept both Jack and Rusty busy with unpacking boxes and moving furniture until she was satisfied. There was just no way that they would get everything unpacked and put away in a single weekend, but they concentrated on the bedrooms and kitchen and the rest would fall into place overtime. That Monday, Sharon managed to take the day she had scheduled for personal leave and help finish making the condo at least semi-livable.

In all of the activity, remaining upset or angry with Jack seemed to become less important. It had been almost two full months since he'd brought Anna to her. Both adoptions were final. Rusty was hers, and now so too was Anna. They had celebrated both of them prior to the move, although Sharon was sure that something more significant was in order. She still felt as though she wasn't connecting with Anna as well as she should, but it had been an enormously hectic couple of months. Between her work, and Jack's, and of course Rusty's work and class schedules, they seemed to always be on the go. The quiet moments were rare and few and she resolved to enjoy them as much as she could.

Sharon had also made another decision, just prior to the move. It was one that she had battled with for a number of weeks. She had made the decision to turn her life upside down, but she wasn't really living in it. She might never forgive Jack, but this was the longest that she could recall he had ever bothered to try at being a part of their family in quite some time. In the long run, it seemed rather pointless for her to be making the decisions that she was, going through the motions of trying to make something work for the sake of all their children, and not just Anna, if she wasn't willing to at least meet him halfway. She couldn't say that she was ready to let him in completely, but if she was committing herself to remaining married to him, then it was time to just commit. She could no longer continue living in some version of limbo, and neither could the rest of her family.

Even after making the decision, Sharon wrestled with it. She was still unsure of him, but convinced herself that it was her only recourse. If Jack was going to try, then she should at least have the grace and wherewithal to return the favor. If at that point it was all a resounding failure, they would at least both know that they had tried.

It wasn't until the week following the move that Sharon made the first concessions in her new approach to this odd and unexpected life change. She would not relax the restrictions she had put on the sale and purchase of their home. She and Jack had signed a contract at the beginning of that process, one which served as a basic marriage contract as it was much too late for a prenup. If, for some reason, the current state of their marriage fell apart, Jack agreed to relinquish all rights to Sharon's pension, savings and personal accounts. He also agreed that unless otherwise stipulated at the time, any properties purchased during their period of reconciliation would be solely hers. They couldn't know what the future held, and if they did divorce later, Sharon didn't want the financial disentanglement she had worked so hard at over the years to be completely undone.

Jack understood. Even as they finished moving into their new home, he didn't complain about the fact that it wasn't actually his. Whether that was an honest projection of his feelings or not, Sharon didn't know. She was tired of second guessing him, however, and the more she tried the more exhausting it became.

So when, a full week after the move, Sharon found Jack making up the couch and still moving stiffly as he did it, she shook her head and held out a hand. "Come on."

It was late, and they'd only just finished fully unpacking the last of the living room. Every book was now placed on a shelf, in an exact precise manner. The paintings Sharon wanted him to hang were stacked and waiting on her desk, and if Anna were not already tucked into her bed, they'd have finished that task too. Instead, he would be hanging those the following evening. Jack eyed her hand a little curiously. "What?"

Sharon rolled her eyes at him. "Do you want to sleep on the couch?" She wriggled her fingers at him. "The offer won't last long, I suggest you take it before I change my mind." She sighed. "You can sleep in the bed, Jack."

He squinted at her. Jack wasn't sure if he should be wary of her or not. It might be a trap, but she didn't usually resort to these kinds of games. Actually, when he thought about it, they had been getting along fairly well the last several weeks. "That thing is not as comfortable as it looks," he said, pointing at the couch. "I'm not going to make you sleep on it."

Sharon arched a brow at her. Her head tilted and she gave him an indulgent smile. "I wasn't planning on it," she said slowly. She held up her hand again. "You will keep your hands to yourself, but you can sleep in the bed." It was a small gesture, but all that she was capable of at this point. She wasn't ready to cross that line with him yet.

His eyes dropped to her hand, and then he looked at the couch. Jack didn't have to be told twice. The damned thing was killing him. He placed his hand in hers and let her tug him along down the hall. Inside the bedroom, she let go of him and walked to her side of the bed. His eyes trailed her movement around the room as she checked her phone and then stepped into the bathroom to change. When she emerged, he was still waiting near the foot of the bed. The lock box she kept her gun in was on the top of the tall, upright bureau. It was well out of Anna's reach, but he watched as she moved it to the top of the closet anyway. He shook his head, she had done the same thing when Emily and Ricky were younger. When she turned back to look at him, Jack put his hands up. "I get it. You're armed. Hands to myself, sweetheart."

She smirked at him. "That's not the gun you'd need to worry about." Sharon moved back to the bed and began pulling back the covers. "I've been told the bean bags hurt quite a bit. Especially on softer parts of the anatomy."

Jack winced. "Honey, you had me at saying goodbye to the sofa. That was just cruel." He walked around to the opposite side of the bed and tossed a couple of the throw pillows that she liked so much onto the cushioned bench chest at the foot of the bed.

"Just as long as there aren't any misunderstandings later," she explained. Sharon climbed in on her side of the bed and lay with her back to him. It was odd, having someone else in her bed again. Yet another thing she would need to get used to again.

He lay on his back, and when she turned out the lamp, he blinked to help his eyes adjust to the darkness of the room. Jack was quiet for a few minutes, and then he cast a look at her. He could only make out the curve of her shoulder. "So, this isn't like, some kind of joke is it? I'm about to find out that you've started snoring at some point and I'm going to be begging for the couch before it's over."

Sharon chuckled quietly. "I suppose that there is really only one way to find out. Good night, Jack," she said, rather pointedly.

"Just for the record, if there's snoring involved, I will be recording it." He rolled onto his side and faced the wall. "Oh, and I'm keeping my hands to myself, but you keep those icicles you call feet on your side of the bed." At her quiet giggle, he knew that he'd probably end up with them eventually. They were like little heat seeking missiles, as he recalled.

Jack let his eyes close, and as odd as it might feel sleeping in a bed after so many weeks on a couch, he was tired enough that he felt him self drift almost immediately. How long he slept, he didn't know. When he woke up again, it was to the bed moving and a child crying. He rolled onto his back with a grunt and sept a hand over his face. The bed beside him was empty, however. Jack pushed himself up and listened. The crying was coming from across the hall and Anna's bedroom. He sighed. He wanted very much to go back to sleep, and was tempted to do just that, but he climbed out of the bed instead.

He crossed the hall and found Sharon walking with Anna in her arms. She was murmuring quietly while she tried to soothe the child back to sleep. "What happened?"

"Just a bad dream." They came less frequently now, but moving into a new place had caused a resurgence. Sharon rubbed Anna's back and made another turn around the room in her pacing.

"Here, let me have her." Jack lifted the little girl away from her and settled her against his chest and shoulder instead. "I've got an idea." They were just too tired to spend a night trying to convince Anna to go back into her own bed. He moved to the door and started across the hall with her. "We used to do this with Emily."

"Jack, I don't want to get her into that habit." Sharon followed and sighed when he tucked Anna into the middle of her, or she supposed, their bed. "It was hard enough to break with Emily."

"It's just one night," he said easily. "It's going to be fine, Sharon. You need sleep and so do I." He pulled the blanket up over Anna, who was already snuggling down with her doll and beginning to settle. "See…"

She sighed as she climbed into the bed. "Just for the one night…" Sharon settled on her side again, this time facing the middle of the bed. "If it starts getting crowded in here, you're the first one gone," she warned, although with a small smile.

"Yeah, yeah," Jack rolled his eyes. "Your couch and I are old friends, Sharon. I'm sure it's going to miss me anyway." She seemed to indicate that his sleeping there was about more than just tonight, and the way his back was bothering him after the move. Maybe, he reflected, she was finally beginning to soften a little bit. "Look on the bright side, sweetheart. You're guaranteed not to have to go traipsing down to the parking garage in your nightie to find that beanbag gun now."

Sharon snorted at him and closed his eyes. "Go to sleep, Jack. Or I'll do just that."

He rolled his eyes and settled down. "Yes dear." He heard her snort again and shook his head. He noticed that Anna was already half asleep again and decided it was best if both of them followed suit. He could poke at Sharon some more later. There was an advantage to having been married so long, he knew exactly which buttons he could push, and which ones to stay far away from. Then there the ones that he could push for the hell of it. For the sake of mending his relationship with her couch, he decided he'd be careful in his poking for a while.

When next that Jack woke, there was a softness nestled against him. Light was filling the room, casting it in shades of gray and early morning gold. A body was tucked against his chest, and her hair was tickling at his chin. He cracked his eyes open and glanced down at a familiar dark head. At some point, he realized Anna must have gotten up again. She was laying on Sharon's other side, a stuffed, white puppy had replaced the doll that she had originally brought with her. It was Sharon that was tucked against him.

Her back was to him, and she had an arm wrapped around Anna. He had obviously slept through whatever caused the change in position and snuggling toy, and figured it mustn't have been too terrible. His arm was draped around her waist, and when he moved it, she shifted against him and gave a sleepy sigh. Jack drew the arm beneath him up and rested his head in hand. He looked down at her from his propped position and realized that, even asleep, she still looked just a little sad.

He drew a hand up and gently swept a lock of hair away from her face. His fingers brushed her cheek. When she hummed quietly, he leaned down. His lips moved against her ear. "Still the prettiest girl from Berkley."

A smile curved her lips slowly. "Liar." Sharon kept her eyes closed. Anna had woken frightened again, and only her favorite stuffed toy would appease her. Unfortunately, the thing was almost as big as she was, which was how they'd come to be sleeping as they were currently. Sharon was just too tired to fight the semantics of it.

"You always say that." Jack's hand moved down her arm to settle at her waist again. "You can fault a lot of things honey, but not my eyesight."

"Hm." She rolled onto her back and finally her eyes fluttered open. Sharon arched a brow at him. "I don't know, Jack. You're older than I am," she spoke quietly. "It's definitely started to go if you're using that old line." Sharon shook her head. "That girl is long gone."

"You think so?" His head was still in his hand. He reached up again and his index finger trailed the curve of her cheek. Her face was scrubbed clean of makeup. The lines around her eyes and mouth were more defined. There were freckles dotting her nose, that he could only just make out in this light. Her eyes were still the same vibrant shade of green. They caught the morning light, and it was reflected in the gold flecks that he had always thought made her eyes burn so brightly. "No," he said quietly. "I still see her." Jack leaned down slowly, and when she didn't stop him, he let his mouth settle against hers.

His hand cupped the side of her face. He'd expected her to go stiff against him, but instead her hand circled his forearm and her mouth moved beneath his. When her lips parted, he accepted the invitation. His hand moved into her hair and he tipped her face up, while his mouth angled over hers and the kiss deepened. Jack allowed it to linger only for a moment before he lifted his head. There was a sadness in her eyes that nearly stole his breath. He felt it. It moved right through him, and the realization that there was nothing at all between them felt like a blow to his gut.

Her alarm went off and Sharon rose. She climbed over Anna without jostling the child and turned it off. She cast only one more, sad, regretful look at Jack before she crossed the room and closed herself up in the bathroom. She could ask him for more time, but there were some things that even time couldn't fix.

Jack fell back on his pillow and stared at the ceiling. Once again, it seemed he much slower to make the connections that Sharon had been trying, in her own way, to point out to him. It rocked him more than Sharon asking for the divorce. In the back of his mind, he guessed that he always thought they would be Jack and Sharon. She could be angry at him, she could push him away, but at the end of the day, she would still love him. She had offered him an overture.

He glanced at the other side of the bed and the sleeping child. She had offered him more than that. In the end, were they both only just going through the motions? He hadn't felt anything either. How many times in the last several years had he tried to get this close to her? It never worked. She always held him at arms length. Now here he was, and left with the disappointment that getting what he wanted wasn't so wonderful at all.

With a sigh, Jack rolled from the bed. He made his way down the hall and into the kitchen. He started the coffee and began pulling down what they would need for breakfast. Not that Sharon would eat much, but the kids would. It didn't feel like much of a cooking morning, so he set out cereal and then poured himself a cup of coffee when it was ready.

He was still seated at the bar when Sharon appeared, showered and dressed. Anna was still asleep in their bed, but he'd heard Rusty moving around although the kid hadn't made an appearance yet. Jack glanced up as she came into the kitchen. He watched her pour a cup of coffee and returned his gaze to his cup. He was on his third, and somehow, that just wasn't helping. He turned the mug in his hands and sighed.

"You love him." He said it calmly, and it was a statement rather than a question. It was something he'd been thinking about since she retreated into the bathroom.

"Jack." Sharon's hands tightened around her cup. She didn't want to talk about it. Discussing it wouldn't help the situation, it wouldn't change it. "It doesn't matter."

There was a finality in that. He looked up at her again and watched her avert her gaze. She wouldn't look at him. "I guess it doesn't," he said, although he wasn't sure. Jack sighed again. "You should have said something."

Sharon shook her head. "There was nothing to say, Jack. There is nothing to say about it. You asked me to make a decision and I made one." She drew a thin, shuddering breath. Her eyes burned again, although she thought she'd worked out all of the tears while she was in the shower. "I'm sorry."

"Me too." He stood up and dumped what remained of his coffee into the sink. "Maybe you were right all along. Some things are just too broken to be fixed." Jack stopped behind her. He lay his hands on her shoulders and felt the tremor run through her. He kissed the back of her head. "At least one thing doesn't change. You're still the prettiest girl from Berkley."

He left her standing there alone. Sharon bowed her head and closed her eyes tightly against the insistent burning of new tears. She pressed her fingers against her lips when they trembled. After a moment, she retrieved her purse and headed out the door. She didn't want Rusty or Anna to see her upset. She had the drive to get herself under control again before she reached the office.

Fortunately she was much too busy once she arrived to let her thoughts linger for very long. Rusty stopped by with Anna in the afternoon and then she met them both at home after stopping to pick up dinner. Jack was nowhere to be found.

Instead, she found her bed made and an envelope waiting on her pillow. Upon closer inspection, she realized that all of his things were gone. Inside the envelope were the divorce papers. Signed, and needing only her signature and to be filed. There was a single, simple post-it note affixed to the front of the document. Jack's messy scrawl was slanted across it. "I'm sorry too."

Yes, they were broken, much too broken to ever be fixed.

Sharon sank onto the edge of her bed. She clutched the papers in her hands and closed her eyes against the disappointment. Part of her had hoped that it would work, at least for Anna's sake, and for the sacrifices that had been made. She wasn't overly surprised. Jack was running. It was what he did when he couldn't face the realities of his life, and this one was rather harsh. She didn't love him anymore, hadn't for some time, and neither did he. They could coexist for the sake of their children, but in the end they were merely old acquaintances. Just people with shared memories who happened to have known each other for a very long time.

Sharon drew a thin breath and exhaled quietly. In the end, she realized that this was always going to happen. He was gone. He'd left her again… and he'd left behind another child for her to raise alone.