Better or Worse
by Kadi
Rated T
Disclaimer: This is not my sandbox. I only visit it.
"So Morales puts time of death between four and five in the morning," Tao explained as he placed photos on the murder board. "We have traffic photos of Josh Newsome at the intersection two blocks from where the victim's body was found," He tapped the photo on the board and placed another. "Then again here, caught by the security camera of a bank down the street from where the victim was found."
"Then we have the matching tire tread at the end of the alley where Jenna Harris was found," Provenza stated. "Please, don't make me say it…"
Sharon was leaning against the edge of an empty desk. She rolled her eyes at him and instead, shot a look at Lieutenant Flynn who was leaning against his own desk. "What do we know about Mister Newsome's alibi?"
He hardly glanced at her, but then he rarely did these days. It was getting better, and maybe some day he'd once again be able to share in her amusement at his partner's arrogance. For now, it was all still too fresh, the memory of her and the beach and those sorrow filled eyes. In the days that followed she offered wan smiles or a cool demeanor depending on her mood. When Jack moved back in with her, and it became clear they were back together, he had to dodge the questioning glances of the rest of their team. Provenza was curious as hell, but all he'd give him was the simple, She's doing it for the kid. That was true enough. He wanted to know more, but Andy had no answers for him.
Seeing her with him was hard enough. Andy didn't want to have to talk about it too.
Instead, he flipped a page in his notepad and skimmed his notes. "He said he was at a party, but of the three names he gave us for witnesses, only one of them claims he saw him. He can't pinpoint a time that he arrived or left, just that he's pretty sure Newsome was there." Flynn shrugged at her. "It's weak. We knew that it would be." He tilted his head and stared blandly back at her, for just a moment before his gaze returned to the murder board. "He did it."
"Well of course he did it," Provenza drawled. He cast a look at his partner, and then at the Captain. They weren't exactly on bad terms with each other, but a few months ago, she would have been leaning on the desk beside Flynn and they'd have both been rolling their eyes at him. That was before she started playing at happy families with her husband again. "What have I been saying from the beginning?"
Sharon looked heavenward and sighed. "Oh go ahead." He wouldn't be happy until the words were out of his mouth.
"It's always the husband," Provenza began. "It's always the husband…"
"They weren't married anymore," Julio pointed out with a smirk. "I'm not sure it really applies here."
"They had only filed for divorce," Tao pointed out. "It wasn't legal yet."
"Like that means anything." Flynn muttered darkly. He shook his head and looked at his notes again. He hadn't meant to let it slip out. He heaved a sigh and pulled his long body away from the desk to stand. "So we get him to confess, or we get Hobbs down here with a deal?"
Sharon's lips pursed. She stared at the floor in front of her for just a moment. She supposed she could let him have that one. If he only knew… She straightened as well. "Call Hobbs," She instructed Provenza. "See if she'd like to make a deal. Either way, I think we have enough to charge him. In the meantime, I would like to—"
"Sharon." Rusty strode toward her, two bags on his shoulder and an unhappy Anna in his arms. He wore an aggrieved expression. "You're not answering your phone," he accused. The preschool had called him when Sharon didn't answer. He picked Anna up, but he didn't have time to babysit. Besides which, babysitting all the time wasn't part of the deal he made with Sharon when she decided to take this on. He didn't mind helping out, but he had his own life too, and school.
"Rusty, I'm sorry. It's in my office." She accepted the child that was practically thrust into her arms, and cast a frown at him. He was frustrated, she understood, at the inconvenience. They both were. She knew that he had just started to really like Jack again, and he was disappointed. "What is the—" She trailed off, realizing immediately once the little girl was in her arms. "I see." The child had run a fever the previous day, but it seemed to finally be gone early that morning, otherwise Sharon wouldn't have sent her to preschool. Apparently, it was back. Ear infections and mild germs were a factor of life in children this age, as Sharon remembered all too well from two decades before.
"I've got class," Rusty stated, before she could begin the process of asking him to take the child home until she got there. "Sorry." He passed her Anna's bag and shrugged. "I didn't know what you wanted me to do about it."
"No," she sighed. "It's fine." Very aware of the eyes on her, Sharon shifted the child in her arms and accepted the bag from him. "We've almost wrapped things up here. Go on to class, Rusty." Anna lay her head on her shoulder and Sharon wanted to stay frustrated, but found that she couldn't. It wasn't the child's fault that her father was an inconsiderate, irresponsible lout. "Go ahead and call Hobbs," She instructed Provenza. "Then bring Josh Newsome back up from booking and put him in Interview two. I'll be back…" She glanced down at the child in her arms. "Let's go see what we can find in the break room."
As she strode away, Rusty shoved his hands into his pockets. He felt a little guilty about it, but they were both juggling their schedules these days. Maybe he'd call Ricky tonight, see if he could come down for a few days. He'd sold his company, he wasn't really working much these days. Mostly he was contracting just to stay busy, at least until he left for Europe in the spring. Rusty didn't know how well that would go over, but he would ask.
"Her father couldn't pick her up?" Provenza rolled his eyes once the Captain was out of the room. "Why am I not surprised?"
"Hard to do when he's not around." Rusty snorted quietly. The teenager glanced at the older Lieutenant, and then at Flynn who was pretending to ignore the entire situation. He shrugged and adjusted the strap of his book bag. "He didn't exactly leave a forwarding address when he signed the divorce papers and moved out. He was never going to stick around. It's not really a big surprise." Rusty turned. "Anyway, tell Sharon I'll swing back by after my class. If she's still here, I can take Anna home then."
Provenza stood up from his desk, but then he sat back down again. It wasn't his place to get involved, but he wondered if Rusty realized he'd just let a cat out of its bag? He glanced around at the others and from the myriad expressions of confusion and surprise, he realized that he wasn't the only one who hadn't known that the divorce was back on and pretty much done. Without really wanting to, he cast a careful look at his partner. Flynn was scowling in the direction that Rusty had gone, and then slowly, his gaze moved down the hall, toward the break room. Then his partner looked at him and Provenza only shrugged. How the hell was he supposed to know? It wasn't as if she confided him in. That was Flynn's job. Or rather, it used to be.
Come to think of it, she didn't normally confide in a lot of people. The Captain liked to keep her personal life to herself. It was through his unusual and too cheerful presence around the office that they found out that Jack was back in town, and that the pair of them were back together. The Captain acted just as she had the last time he blew into town and decided to hang around, resigned to his presence but otherwise as though nothing was out of the ordinary. Except that it was, if the presence of the little dark haired daughter was anything to go on. Now he was gone again, and the daughter was still there.
Provenza was trying to drum up some sense of surprise at that, and found that he really couldn't. Some days it didn't pay to be as old as he was. Somehow, he had seen this one coming a mile away. He shook his head and reached for his phone. "Alright, you all heard the Captain. We still have a deal to make and a case to close. Let's get on it."
From the break room Sharon retrieved a juice bottle and then returned to the conference room attached to her office. She settled Anna there with her sippy cup and the few toys she had in her bag. There was a coloring book as well, and once provided with crayons, she knew the child would be occupied for a while. Sharon also stepped into her office and pulled out the small toddler bag she had taken to keeping on hand. Tylenol for the fever and something to occupy her, along with her favorite blanket.
There was a part of her that would have liked to resent that child, and Sharon was ashamed to admit it. She just couldn't. Of all of them, Anna was the innocent one. She didn't ask to be created or born, and she certainly didn't ask to lose her mother so soon and so tragically. Sharon realized she couldn't even blame Anna's mother in the end. Jack had finally confessed that the woman, Samantha, hadn't even known he was married until after she was pregnant. He had hurt more than one person over the years.
She just couldn't seem to fully connect with her either. She cared about her well enough, and she was fond of her, but it was so easy to bond with Rusty. With Anna… she could only seem to feel responsible for her. For that, she was truly ashamed of herself. Sharon reminded herself often that this child was not a burden. After everything that she had been through, the girl deserved to be loved. Especially with a father that would prove to be nothing but a disappointment to her.
Long after her case was solved, the deal made and Josh Newsome remanded back into custody, Sharon found herself standing just inside the conference room and watching the child while she played quietly. Anna was accustomed to being left to her own devices. She could amuse herself easily. She had quite the imagination and it was interesting to watch. She had sent a text to Rusty, letting him know he needn't pick the child up after his class. He would be waiting for them at home instead.
Sharon had already sent the rest of her team on their way, they could wrap up their case files in the morning. She would be leaving herself, just as soon as she gathered Anna and her belongings. She found she wasn't in much of a rush, however. Here, it seemed she was more insulated. She could be detached and not feel so guilty for it. Once she had the child at home, the guilt would settle in and she would begin asking herself what kind of woman she was, what kind of mother was she, that she could not feel more for this child than she did. She wanted to love her, but something was holding her back. What, she couldn't say. Sharon hadn't yet put those thoughts into anything resembling coherence. There hadn't yet been time for it. It needed to happen, though, and very soon. They could not continue to exist in the limbo that typically followed the wake of Jack's chaos.
A familiar presence at her back drew her attention and Sharon sighed quietly. Her eyes closed. They hadn't been alone together in quite some time, not like this. If they were forced into the elevator together, it was stilted, awkward. Maybe his partner was right, maybe it was a bad idea to have let him get so close. In the end, could she blame anyone but herself? She knew better, didn't she, than to let herself become personally involved with someone that she worked closely with. "You love him," She still heard Jack's voice in her head. Yes, it wasn't something that she could easily deny, although she had tried to at least ignore it. Sharon wanted to push it aside, to forget that she had allowed that emotion to blossom and grow.
More than anything, though, she missed her friend. Sharon drew a small breath and folded her arms against her chest. He stood close, the door at his back, and she could almost feel him. Heat radiated off his body. It made her back tingle. She drew her bottom lip between her teeth and concentrated on breathing, and not the betrayal that was the slight quickening of her own heartbeat.
"Jack's gone?" He didn't bother with any preamble. Andy decided they were well beyond that now. The time for pleasantries and small talk was long over. He wanted to be angry at her, and he decided that maybe he was a little. More than that, he was just tired. He supposed they both were. He hadn't bothered to ask many questions the last few months, but today after Rusty's visit, he did. Buzz seemed to be the best source of information for what went on inside the Raydor home, as even when he wasn't around, Rusty still spoke to him. He had known that Jack was gone, but not the details, and said it wasn't his place to discuss it. Andy supposed that was true. According to Buzz, Anna had also been sick lately. It was the usual run of childhood illnesses, brought on by a new environment and being thrust into a preschool where such germs could run rampant. Andy wondered if he'd realized Sharon was looking tired, and decided that he had, but he'd chosen to ignore it. He felt badly about that, but then he reminded himself that it wasn't his place to feel anything where she was concerned. Not anymore.
"Hm." She hummed quietly. "Did we really think he'd stay long?" Sharon took a step forward and turned. She moved to lean against the conference table so that she could watch Anna and speak to Andy too. The distance also made it just a little easier for her to breathe. "Jack left earlier this month. The papers are signed and filed, and the divorce will be final in another thirty days." She shrugged. "I should take him to court, for the custody agreement, but…" It was so much hassle when really, she knew that Jack wouldn't come asking for his daughter back. Why would he? He hadn't with either of the other two. "She's been through enough," Sharon said instead. "Her mother is dead, her father is gone, and she's living with strangers." She smiled sadly and looked over at him. "Go ahead and say it. We knew this would happen at some point."
His brows drew together into a deep frown. Andy walked over and leaned against the low, wooden cabinet that stood against the wall. "I'd like to," he admitted. He just didn't have it in him to say I told you so. Not when he knew that she had done the right thing, the only thing that any responsible human being would do. "I guess it's just not going that great?" She seemed sad, and he didn't want to think that she was actually upset at Jack's leaving.
"I'm not sure that I know what that is in this situation," Sharon said honestly. Her gaze was drawn back to Anna who was now looking at the adults in the room. She had a pensive expression on her face. Here was another stranger to add to her life. She knew the team, in so much as she was around them. While he was always polite, Andy stayed away, and that was something that she could understand. Sharon smiled at her and pushed away from the table. She held out her arms. "Are we ready to go?"
Anna didn't say anything. At home she would talk a mile a minute, in front of others, she was usually pretty silent. She was opening up more and more as she got to know them all better. Lieutenant Provenza was especially her favorite. The child found something uniquely funny about his grumpy countenance. Anna stood and walked toward her, a drawing still clutched in one hand. Sharon stooped in front of the child and let her walk into the circle of her arms. "What is this?"
Andy watched her say all the right things. She exclaimed appropriately over the drawing and nodded at each word the little girl said in response. The smile didn't reach her eyes. His frown deepened. Andy straightened and moved around the room, gathering the scattered items while Sharon gathered the child. He stuffed them into the bag on the table and held it out for her when she lifted the girl into her arms. When their eyes met, he saw guilt in them before she schooled her features and smiled appreciatively at him. Andy found himself wondering who that guilt was directed at. With Rusty she had grown attached almost immediately. Was it just him and his own perception of the situation colored, or was he not sensing that here?
He sighed quietly. "Sharon…"
She missed hearing her name from him. She looked away and shifted the child in her arms. "I know," she said. "It is what it is." She glanced up at him and shook her hair back. Sharon drew a breath and then plastered a suitably pleasant smile on her face. "Good night, Lieutenant. Thank you." She pulled the bag onto her shoulder and stepped away from him.
Andy watched her go. She walked through the door that connected the conference room to her office and gathered the rest of her things. Then she was off, striding through the murder room. He could see her talking to the child in her arms as she went. He wished it didn't seem so forced. His hands found their way into his pockets and let himself wander back into the murder room.
She was holding back.
He sighed again and dropped into the chair behind his desk. "Hell."
In all of this, he supposed he'd forgotten a simple fact. She had gotten hurt too.
Andy leaned back in his chair and let himself slump into it. He could say he hadn't thought about it, but he had. He'd be lying to say anything else. He could ignore her, but he couldn't forget her. Especially not with her in front of him each and every day. He wanted, badly, to plant his fist in Jack's face every time the man appeared. Never had that feeling been stronger than it was at present.
Yes, they had known he would probably leave eventually. It was simply too much to ask that he would be changed, that he would do better with this child than he had with his others. He was the sort of father that wanted to be remembered for being fun, rather than necessarily being present.
Of course she was holding back. Andy swept a hand over his face and into his hair. Why wouldn't she? Her husband had an affair, produced a child, and then thrust that child into her arms before taking off to continue living his own life. What was Sharon left with? The embarrassment of adopting and raising the product of her husband's extramarital affair. There was a part of him that wanted her to be angry about it, but instead she was resigned. Andy realized it was foolish of him to want that. He had spent enough time being angry about it for both of them. Anger from Sharon would indicate she cared enough about Jack's activities to express the emotion. She didn't love him anymore, but his actions hurt her.
It had tossed her family into disarray. He had hurt her children, disappointed her, and asked her to put her life on hold for him, again. She had done it, because it wasn't in her to walk away. Not when faced with the alternative.
Jack would have wound up foisting the child off on Emily or Ricky; he would have guilted his children into pitching in. They'd have been in the same predicament Sharon was in now, raising a child not their own while Jack was living the life that he wanted to live.
Of course she had done it.
What had it gotten her? Really? She was able to adopt Rusty months ahead of her planned schedule, the divorce was delayed but in the end she had that too. She was raising this child, but her own children were as unaffected as she could keep them. She was doing it for them, in so much as she had done it for Jack or Anna, or even because it was the right thing to do.
Ricky had been home, only once, to meet the new sister. Emily hadn't bothered, but she usually only saw her mother at the holidays, so that wasn't too unusual. So what did Sharon have? She had Rusty. Jack was gone, and there was nothing in the way of an actual support system. Of course she was having a hard time connecting with the child. She hadn't even really tried yet, if he knew Sharon. She was still waiting for the other shoe to drop.
He couldn't imagine that there were any left. The domino effect seemed to have run its course where Jack's latest chaos was concerned. And chaos it was. He tried to remember if she had even really taken any time off during the entire upheaval that was Jack's return to her life. Andy could only recall a long weekend that she had taken to move, and then she ended up working part of that too. Otherwise, she was present and accounted for, if a bit tardy occasionally, which was to be expected with a small child in her household.
Andy groaned quietly and let his gaze move toward the ceiling. "I'm an ass," he muttered.
"Yes, we knew that." Provenza strode through the room and stopped at his desk. He cast a smirk at his partner and lifted his jacket off the back of his chair. He tossed it over his arm and began rolling down his shirt sleeves. "What have you done this time?"
He sighed. Did he really want to get into this with his partner? Andy sat forward in his seat and rolled his shoulders. "You don't want to know."
Provenza snorted. "Buddy, you might be decent at investigating homicides, but you're a lousy boyfriend." He shook his head and after fastening the cuff of one sleeve, he started on the other. "That one took you long enough to figure out. You are dense." The Lieutenant smoothed his sleeve out and cast a sideways look at his partner. "I guess it never occurred to you to offer to help her out if she wanted to get the divorce and take care of the kid?" At the scowl that was directed his way, Provenza decided that was a definite no. "Idiot."
Andy scrubbed a hand over his face. "I know." He glanced over and found he was still the recipient of a dark, penetrating gaze. "I know! While we're on the subject, since you're so damned smart, why didn't you point out my stupidity before now?"
"Oh no." Provenza shook his jacket out and them slipped into it. "Not my problem and not my business." He pointed a finger at his partner then. "I told you it was a bad idea. I told you to stay away from her. Now you know why."
He rolled his eyes. Yes, that was just so wonderfully helpful. Andy's teeth ground together. "What do I do now?"
"Grovel." Provenza leaned over his desk and made sure that everything was in its place, exactly where he wanted it. When he straightened, he fixed his partner with a look. "Now you grovel. You beg. You kiss ass, and you don't stop kissing ass until you fix it."
"She took him back," Andy pointed out, just for the sake of argument.
"You didn't bother to give her a reason not to, did you?" His partner shrugged. "That's why you're the idiot."
His dark eyes flashed, and then they narrowed. Andy stood up. His hands found his hips. "Says the guy that's been divorced… how many times?"
"Enough to prove that I know the first thing about being an idiot. It's called how to lose a woman in one wrong move. Congratulations, moron, you did it." Provenza sighed and he shook his head. "I get it, faced with the idea that she was getting back with the Jackass you did what you thought was right, you let her go. Being noble isn't smart. It's stupid. No one wins. Yeah, yeah, she did it for the kid." He waved a hand, dismissing that. "We both know that useless piece of dirt would have handed over the kid without a second glance, taken the divorce, and run with it. Like you said." He shrugged. "You're an ass. Still better than the other guy, but an ass." He clapped his hands together and turned. "Now, you can fix it, or you can shut up about it. Either way, I don't want to hear it, I don't want to know about it, and by god, whatever you do, don't make me have to see it!"
Left alone in the Murder Room, Andy let his head hang. He had just been lectured on proper boyfriend behavior by the serial divorcee. Yes. He supposed they were both right. He was an ass.
How the hell was he supposed to fix it?
MCMCMCMCMCMC
When she got home, Sharon managed to juggle her purse, her keys, Anna and the girl's bag as she let them into the apartment. When they stepped inside, she dropped the keys and purse on the table near the entrance and pushed the door closed with her hip. "Rusty?"
"Kitchen!" He poked his head around the corner. "Hey. I was just trying to figure out what we wanted for dinner."
"Why don't you order something," she suggested. Sharon dropped Anna's bag in an arm chair and moved down the hall with the child. Unlike her former condo, this one was more spacious. The kitchen wasn't much larger, and positioned in a corner of the main room with a breakfast bar positioned diagonally to separate it from the main sitting room. In front of the outward swinging balcony doors, the dining table was positioned. Jack had, at least, Anna proofed the balcony before he left. There was a latch that was kept locked, much too high for Anna to reach, even with the assistance of standing on a chair.
Of the three bedrooms, Rusty had chosen the one nearest the living room. Anna was in the room across the hall from her own. There was a bathroom between the two, while Sharon had the advantage of an in-suite bath. She carried the child into the room that was painted in pale hues of lavender and lilac. The furniture was white, solid pieces that made up a toy chest, dresser and bed. Sharon had gotten the idea from Emily's childhood room, although it had been pink and white and the furniture wicker. She sat the child on the bed and moved around the room, pulling out pajamas for the night.
"Dinner first," Sharon announced. "Then bath time." She lay the pajamas on the end of the bed and then walked across the hall. Anna followed, but she had known that the child would. While Sharon removed her badge and gun and placed the latter in the lockbox, Anna climbed up onto her bed to watch. Sharon glanced at her in the mirror and managed a smile. She could almost pretend that it was Emily. How many times had the two of them done this very thing? Even now, as an adult, Emily would drape across her bed as she went through her morning or evening routine.
Sharon chewed on the inside of her bottom lip when it trembled. She missed those days, and she missed her daughter, but she couldn't treat Anna as a stand-in. It wouldn't be fair. Sharon sighed as she put the lockbox in the top of her closet and pulled out a pair of yoga pants and her favorite sweater. She changed quickly and ran a brush through her hair before she pinned it back. When she turned away from her dresser, Anna scrambled off the bed to join her at the door.
"Come on." She lifted the girl into her arms and carried her down the hall to the bathroom that Anna shared with Rusty. Sharon sat her on the vanity and reached into the cabinet for the thermometer. The child didn't feel as warm as she had when Rusty dropped her off, but she did feel a bit feverish. Sharon checked her temp and found it elevated, barely a full degree. She checked her watch and decided they could wait an hour and check it again before administering another dose of medication.
Anna watched her with wide eyes. When Sharon put the thermometer away she held out her arms to be lifted again. "Can I play?"
"Until dinner." Sharon lifted her off the vanity and set her on her feet. "Go on." She followed her from the room and down the hall. Anna trotted out to the small toy chest that was kept in the corner of the living room. From within she found a trio of dolls and set about building her imaginary world. She found Rusty standing at the breakfast bar, sorting through a stack of menus. "Still haven't decided?"
"I'm leaning toward pizza." He glanced up at her and grinned. "That way you can have a salad. The allure of the burger is strong. Anna can get nuggets, but there's no salad in it for you. I considered Chinese, but that didn't go over so well the last time."
"It wasn't the food that was the problem," Sharon chuckled at the memory. "It was you expecting a three-year-old to be able to eat with chopsticks."
"She's gotta learn!" Rusty smirked. He glanced into the living room. "Hey, Anna, you want Chinese noodles?"
"Chop-chop," she called back.
"Let's not." Sharon shook her head as she imagined the mess that would follow. She pushed away from the bar at the knock on the door. "Let's go with the pizza. Or the burgers. Just pick one. I don't think it really matters which at this point."
"Burgers it is." Rusty grinned triumphantly. He glanced into the living room. "That's how it's done, Anna. Remember that."
Sharon rolled her eyes at him as she walked to the door. "Yes, I'm so gullible. I let you play me," She deadpanned. "Perhaps I'm just too hungry to mind having a little junk food." She pointed at Anna and reached for the door with her other hand. "Don't listen to him." She smiled at the childish giggle, how could she not? She was an adorable child, the hangup between them was all her own, Sharon knew.
The smile faltered, however, when she pulled the door open. "Andy." Sharon blinked away her confusion and straightened, while pulling her sweater more tightly around herself. "Lieutenant, what can I do for you?"
Yeah, Andy sighed mentally. He supposed he deserved that. He held up a bag and let it dangle from two fingers. "I thought maybe with the kid not feeling so great, you wouldn't feel like cooking."
Sharon's gaze was drawn to the bag. It was from their favorite Italian restaurant. She hadn't been since the last time she was there with Andy. "I…" She cleared her throat at the sudden lump that had formed. "Thank you. We were just about to order something." Sharon took the bag from him with a small smile, but her brows drew together in confusion when he stepped back. "Do you…" She gestured back into the apartment and stepped aside, the invitation clear.
"No." He shoved his hands into his pockets and shrugged. "Maybe another time."
She glanced over her shoulder at the children before she stepped into the hall with him. "Andy, what is this?" She drew her lip between her teeth. "What are you doing?" Sharon missed her friend, and her heart ached, but she didn't want his pity.
He shrugged at her. "Groveling." Andy backed away from her, the corner of his mouth curved into something that was almost a crooked grin. "Turns out, I'm an idiot. And an ass. Possibly a jerk."
She shook her head at him. "I don't understand." Sharon tilted her head at him. "Maybe you could help me out here? What did you do?"
"Nothing," he said simply. "That's the problem." His lips pursed for a moment and he glanced at the floor. "My friend needed a hand, and I was too busy thinking about what I wasn't getting out of it to be there for her. So yeah, I think the word ass applies."
Her gaze dropped for a moment. She studied the bag in her hands and drew a thin breath. "Andy." When she looked up at him again, her eyes were bright, moist with emotion. She had missed him. She rubbed her lips together for a moment and then she shrugged. "Did it occur to you that maybe what your friend needed was the opportunity to figure everything out on her own?" Sharon found herself fidgeting with the bag. "Maybe you only did what she thought she wanted you to do."
"Maybe," He agreed. "Doesn't make it right." He nodded his head toward the bag. "There's the salad you like, and the shrimp linguine. Lasagna for the kid, and I figured you couldn't go wrong with spaghetti for the little one."
"Sketti?" The little voice came from behind Sharon. Anna was peaking out through the door and around Sharon's leg. "Mmm!"
Sharon glanced down in surprise and chuckled quietly. "Better than nuggets or Chinese noodles?"
"Oh yes!" Her blue eyes lit up. "I like!"
"Well, then I think we have a winner." Sharon hadn't known that about the child, but supposed it was a given. Most children liked spaghetti in one form or another. "What do we say?" She reached out and pushed the door back slightly so that Anna could edge out beside her.
"Thank you."
When she wrapped her arms around Sharon's leg and leaned into her hip, Andy grinned. "You're welcome."
Sharon lay a hand against the child's head. "Are you sure you don't want to come inside?"
"Next time?" There was a touch of hope in the way his brows lifted. "You know, maybe."
"We'll see." The smile had warmed, however. "Good night, Andy."
"Night Sharon." He sketched a wave and turned. He made his way down the hall, and around the corner. This one was farther from the elevators than her previous condo had been, in the old building. He grinned when he heard the small, childlike, "bye" that followed him.
Sharon looked down again to see Anna smiling up at her. "What do you think? Dinner?" She held up the bag.
"Yes!" Anna turned and ran back into the apartment. "Rusty! No burgers! Sketti!"
She followed at a much more sedate pace and pushed the door closed behind her. She found Rusty watching her carefully from near the kitchen. "Flynn was here?" His brows drew together and he looked curiously at the bag she carried.
"Lieutenant Flynn," she answered and walked into the kitchen with it. She glanced over and found Anna trying to climb into her high chair. "Oh Rusty, get her before she falls, please." Sharon found herself smiling at the child's enthusiasm. She made a mental note to put spaghetti on the list of foods that Anna would eat without argument.
Rusty lifted Anna and then placed her in the seat before pushing it closer to the table. "What did he want?"
Sharon sighed. "Anna wasn't feeling well, and he didn't think I'd feel like cooking. He dropped off dinner. He was… just being a friend." She glanced over. "Okay."
She didn't want to talk about it. Rusty shrugged. "Yeah, okay." He walked into the kitchen to pull down plates. "Adult relationships are kind of dumb. Remind me to steer really clear of them. Like, really."
"Noted." She rolled her eyes at him. Sharon fixed a plate for Anna first and carried it to the table before returning for her own. "Although, I feel it necessary to point out, that specific adult relationships are none—"
"Of my business. Yeah, I know." Rusty shook his head where he stood at the counter beside her. He nudged her shoulder with his. "Sharon, you gotta admit…"
"They are pretty dumb sometimes." A smile tugged at her lips again. "Rusty, relationships make us who we are. Some of them are good and others are not. Sometimes things get pretty muddled. You can't avoid them, and you really shouldn't. We all need people in our lives that we can count on. Sometimes they'll hurt us and sometimes we'll hurt them. It's how we resolve it that matters."
He thought about that for a moment. "So then… dropping off dinner and then not staying is…"
"An acceptable start." She lifted her plate and carried it to the table. "For both of us."
Rusty smirked as he poured two glasses of water while Sharon retrieved a spill proof cup for Anna. "Weirdos," he mouthed.
Sharon saw it, but chose to ignore it. Instead, she sat down beside Anna and reached out to help the child not make a complete mess of herself. One day, probably much too soon for her liking, Rusty would begin to understand just how weird and complicated adult relationships could be. Until then, she would gladly accept his blissful lack of understanding on the subject.
While they ate dinner and Anna showed an enthusiasm that was rare, Sharon realized just how little she knew about the child. The last four months had been a chaotic jumble of moving and juggling schedules, of finding a routine and settling into some sort of life that might be normal. With her own children there had been time, years, with which to learn them. Then with Rusty, he was old enough to make his likes and dislikes more than known. Anna was barely more than a toddler, and there was no one there to guide them.
Sharon began to wonder if that was the issue. She just didn't know the child, and there hadn't been time to learn. Her lips pursed while she pondered it. With Rusty, she couldn't take time off work to get him settled. She was only just settling into her new job with Major Crimes. Still, he was old enough to not need her every second, despite that emergency care situation they started out with.
Slowly an idea began to form. For once, Sharon decided it was okay to be a little selfish. She had vacation days a plenty banked. Maybe it was time to take them.
Later, after dinner was consumed and the dishes cleaned, Sharon sat with Anna on the child's bed. Bath time was completed with little fuss and she drew a brush slowly through the little girl's curling, brown hair. It was lighter than hers, lighter than Emily's, and with none of the red tones. She couldn't pinpoint if it had come from Jack or perhaps the child's mother. There was a box of belongings in storage, placed there during the move. Sharon made a mental note to retrieve it for Anna. There were pictures among those things that Jack had retrieved from Samantha's apartment for the child. She should have them, Sharon thought.
As if reading her mind, Anna glanced back at her. "Where's momma?"
It was a question she asked, from time to time. Less frequently now, but still it remained. Her young mind still couldn't quite comprehend such things as accidents and death. Sharon drew the brush through a loose, soft curl. "We talked about that, remember?" She said gently. "Momma went to be with the angels."
Her little nose wrinkled. She accepted the answer, even if she could only vaguely understand its meaning. "Daddy?"
That was an answer that was much easier to come by. Sharon smiled gently at her. It was a practiced response. One she could deliver without much thought. "Daddy had to go away for a while, but I'm sure he's thinking about you." How often had she told her own children the same thing when they were not much older than Anna was now?
A line appeared between Anna's brows. She tilted her head at Sharon while she considered that response. "Anna go away too?"
That was another thing the child asked occasionally. She drew a lock of hair away from her face and tucked it behind her ear. Sharon's finger stroked the curve of one small cheek. "No," she said quietly. "Anna isn't going away too. You are staying right here."
"With you." Anna worked that through her mind. Then she asked something entirely new. "You're my momma now?"
She supposed that it shouldn't surprise her, after raising two children of her own, that children could come up with the most likely conclusions about their circumstances. The disconnect between them, she thought, Anna must feel it too. Of course she did, children were very intuitive. Rather than answer immediately, she placed the hairbrush aside and leaned closer to her, so that their faces were on the same level. "Yes, Anna. That's exactly right. Do you think that would be okay?"
She glanced away for a moment, and then Anna shrugged. "I'm not leaving?" When Sharon shook her head, she smiled. "Okay."
"Good. I tell you what, we'll find a picture of your first momma and we'll put it on the shelf. Would you like that?"
Anna's head bobbed enthusiastically. Her eyes lit up and she smiled widely. "The pretty one!"
Sharon had no idea what the pretty one meant, but she would pull the box out of storage and let Anna choose the photo she wanted for her room. "Alright then," She reached beyond her and pulled back the lavender blankets. "In you go." She tucked her in and they went through the routine of choosing a book for the night. Anna always chose the fairytales where the princess got her happily ever after. It was really too bad, she thought, that the fairytales never prepared them for the fact that happily ever after didn't always happen the way they hoped it would. Mommies went to heaven, Daddies went away, and picket fences could fall down before you knew they were even leaning the wrong way.
Anna fell sleep before she even finished reading the story, but she always did. Sharon eased away from her and moved quietly around the room. Stuffed animals and dolls were returned to the toy box and then she placed the day's laundry in the hamper near the door. Afterward, she dimmed the lights and made sure the sparkling night light was on and turning slowly. It cast images of stars against the ceiling and illuminated the room just enough that she wouldn't be quite so frightened when she woke.
Only then did she move silently out of the room and down the hall. Already Rusty had retreated to his room. Sharon made sure the door was locked and the lights were off before she finally made her way into her own room. Her door and Anna's were both left cracked. The child didn't wake quite as often as she used to, but she had been ill and Sharon wanted to be sure that she heard her.
Once inside, she was able to let her shoulders slump and release the breath she hadn't realized she was holding. After changing for bed, Sharon checked her phone before plugging it into the charger. There was only a single message waiting, a text. Her finger swept the screen and given the state of things lately, she was surprised to see that it was from Andy. Even after his visit earlier.
It's okay to love her. It doesn't have to be about Jack.
Sharon drew her knees to her chest while she thought about that. Was Jack the issue? He had what he wanted, he wasn't coming back for Anna. She didn't have to worry that he would take the child from her. No, that wasn't it.
She leaned her head back against the headboard and closed her eyes. Jack had come at her through her children. He tried to use Rusty against her, and he leaked the idea of the adoption before she was ready for him to know about it. Then he played on Ricky's concerns as a means of further disrupting the idea. He was, without a doubt, the most unreliable person on the planet. Which he proved by leaving his child with her and running off to heaven only knew where this time. She supposed he would try to cite some noble reason about wanting to correct the disruption he'd caused in her life. It didn't change the fact that she was so deeply disappointed in him.
Sharon's eyes opened. She stared at the phone in her hand and shook her head. "How do you always know?" She tugged her bottom lip between her teeth. Of course. Even now, Andy could read her so well. Better, she thought, than she could read herself. Or perhaps she was avoiding the obvious.
In loving Anna, she was afraid she was giving something else of herself to Jack for him to hurt. He was gone now. The divorce was all but final. There was little else that he could do. Or would do at this point.
Sharon considered her phone again and smiled as she sent her response.
No, it doesn't. Jack is gone. I know I've got the best part of him. I'm just a little slow on the uptake this time. Maybe idiots love company.
The response was a few minutes in coming, but it arrived as Sharon was laying down on her side. She tilted her phone up and laughed as she read it.
Don't tell Provenza. There'll be no living with him!
She shook her head and lay back again. Of that, he was absolutely correct. The secret would be safe with her. She let her eyes close and realized that she felt much lighter about it all.
For better or worse, those had been Jack's words. The worst part of Jack was Jack himself. She had the better deal, maybe it was time to start living as though she knew that.