Better or Worse
by Kadi
Rated T
Disclaimer: This is not my sandbox. I only visit it.
After the holidays, life returned to normal. As much as she loved them both, Sharon was happy to have the silence that descended upon her home back after Emily and Ricky returned to their own cities. Jack didn't call, and Sharon hadn't really thought that he would. She was thankful that she hadn't let Anna know about his visit. The child needn't have that disappointment. He would turn up again, Sharon thought, the next time the guilt got to him. She would stand her ground again.
It was oddly liberating, even after the divorce, to be able to look Jack in the eye and stand up for herself and her children.
With January more than upon them, Rusty was back in class and Anna was back in preschool, while Major Crimes was back at work. It was a new year, however, and a new life. That was a theme that she was currently going with. Sharon reflected on that as she lay awake, watching shadows dance across the walls of her bedroom. There was an arm draped across her waist, and a warm body laying beside her. He was quietly snoring and had been for a little while. Sharon lifted her head and turned it, where she lay on her stomach, so that she was gazing at him instead.
In the weeks since Christmas he had been spending more time at the apartment. She was still sneaking him out before Anna was awake, but they stopped pretending that on the evenings he had dinner with them that he wasn't staying the night, at least where Rusty was concerned. That was old news by this point.
Sharon smiled as she watched him sleep. He seemed to be following her home an awful lot lately. Not that she minded it. Actually, she had come to look forward to it. Even on nights when all he did was sleep beside her, as he had tonight. They'd gotten home late, and would be back in the office early to continue working on their current case. They were both much too tired to do anything but sleep, and now, a few hours later, she was wide awake. Her body had hit a point where it couldn't rest. Her mind simply wouldn't allow it, it was just too full.
She was starting to wonder if it wasn't time to start letting him join them for breakfast. He was spending an awful lot of time with Anna now too. The little girl seemed to be just as fond of him as he was of her. Andy didn't seem to mind the position that he was being placed in. She worried about it though, pushing him too far, expecting too much.
He told her that he loved her. Even when he didn't say the words, he showed her in a dozen different ways. Sharon drew a thin, shuddering breath. Anna was only just one of them. She drew her bottom lip between her teeth. He was the one to push her, when she needed it, to face her fears where loving Anna was concerned. He brought Anna spaghetti when he knew she'd had a bad night, and though those came fewer and farther between than they had when Anna first came to her, it still happened occasionally. That little girl was still dragging that ridiculously large doll around with her. She never went anywhere without it. Sharon was finally over feeling odd about driving around LA with it in her backseat. She didn't recall having a little girl being quite so… cute. Emily was more into dancing than she had been dolls, and that was something that Anna just wasn't duplicating. They'd given up on dance classes, she just wasn't interested. They tried tumbling, and Anna liked it, but she wasn't particularly excited about it either. They would be exploring t-ball in the spring, something that Andy was especially excited about.
Sharon pressed her face into the crook of her elbow when she was tempted to laugh. When she told him that she had signed Anna up for t-ball in the spring, his eyes lit up in such a way that she had laughed at him. Sharon was hoping for his sake that Anna would like it more than she had the dancing and tumbling. She had a feeling that might be the case. It really was a mutual admiration society where those two were concerned.
Their first fight had come as a result of that. Sharon had commented, only a week ago, that he needn't try so hard with Anna for her sake. She would still love him. Andy had taken offense to it. He wasn't doing it for anyone but Anna, and she should have known better. He was right about that, she should have. It just wasn't something that she was used to. Which was why she wondered now if she was really doing anyone any favors by keeping up the pretense.
Sharon sighed. She let her gaze wander to the lights of the city, seen through the window behind him. Was she the one that was trying too hard? This was all just so very confusing and complicated. She didn't have this problem when her other children were younger. Actually, she had a whole host of other problems, such as a drunk and absent husband who was gambling away every cent that they had, but dating with a young child in the house was definitely new.
She turned her face into her pillow and willed her brain to shut down. It wasn't like her to second guess herself quite so intensely. Now that the relationship was common knowledge, among their colleagues as well as their friends and family, it really was only a matter of time before she would need to start bringing Anna into it more. Although, she was rather involved already. Really, Sharon just wanted to sleep. If she wasn't thinking about this, she knew that her mind would be turning over the grisly images that were pinned to the murder board. She would be thinking about suspects and timelines. She would be replaying Doctor Morales's presentation of the autopsy. Sharon didn't exactly want to think about that either.
"Stop." Andy's sleepy voice rumbled through the room. "I can hear you thinking." His arm slid around her. He pulled her closer and tucked her against his body. Andy settled his face into the crook of her neck and let his lips brush her skin. His hand moved beneath the plain, white sleep shirt that she was wearing and settled against her stomach. "Turn it off," he told her.
"I'm sorry." She settled against him and sighed quietly. "Go back to sleep, Andy." His hand was warm against her skin, and his fingers were gentle as they moved in a lazy pattern, gently stroking.
"Not yet." He nuzzled her neck, nosed her hair aside and let his lips trail a path from her ear to her jaw. "Busy right now." His hand slid steadily higher until his thumb was brushing the underside of her breast. When she drew a sharp breath, his lips curved. "Turn it off," he said again. "Think about something else."
"That shouldn't be difficult." Already she was calculating how much sleep they might get if she let him keep moving in the direction he was going. She drew her bottom lip between her teeth again and let her eyes drift closed as his questing fingers sent little sparks of heat dancing down her spine. "You should really go back to sleep," she said again, voice hitching when he only continued to touch her.
"Yeah." He wasn't disagreeing. They were both damned tired, but now, there was something other than sleep that he wanted. It was more than the taste of her on his lips or the feel of her arching into his touch. He wanted her mind to relax, to shut down while her body took over. Andy rolled her onto her back and settled over her. His hands came up to frame her face. His thumbs were gentle as they stroked her cheeks. His lips lingered against hers, playful, nipping and sucking at her bottom lip.
Her hands caught his face when he started to draw away from her. She drew him back to her and lifted her head from the pillow beneath her. His hands were steadily sliding her shirt higher, while his fingers danced across her skin. Yes, he definitely had his ways of showing her how he felt about her, and that she was cared for. "Andy…" His name was a whisper on her lips.
"I know." He pressed her back down and moved slowly down her body. His mouth pressed against her stomach, just once, before he looked up at her. Andy caught her hands and pushed them over her head to grip the pillow. "Just let it go." He didn't know where her mind was, or what was bothering her, but he didn't need to. She would tell him when she was ready. Although he had a pretty good idea.
She could only barely make out his form in the darkness, but she felt rather than saw the smoldering of his gaze. As his mouth went to work on her, Sharon turned her face into her arm and moaned quietly. Already he had her full attention. Her fingers tightened around the material in her hands, and she drew her knees up along his sides. She arched into his touch again, and her last coherent thought was of just how much she loved him.
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The next time that Andy woke it wasn't to the fidgeting and loud overthinking by the woman beside him. No, she was nestled into his side and sound asleep. This time, the bed was moving. Andy lifted his head and glanced across her. The bedroom door was open and light was filtering in from the hall. It was soft, hardly there at all, just the glow from the nightlight that Sharon kept in place for Anna. It was just in case the child woke in the middle of the night, as apparently, she had.
Anna was climbing up onto the bed on Sharon's other side. Andy glanced at the clock. They had only maybe half an hour before the alarm would go off and she would be walking him to the door. He figured it was only a matter of time before this happened. It was inevitable, really, and exactly the reason that they always went to sleep clothed. He was rather glad of that now, with Anna staring back at him. When she sniffled, Andy frowned. He glanced down at Sharon. He didn't want to wake her. Not yet, not with just how little sleep she had actually gotten.
He rubbed a hand over his face and eased out from beneath her. She moaned quietly and burrowed into the warm spot that he left behind. Andy tucked the blanket around her as he slid from the bed. "Hey kiddo," he whispered quietly and rounded the bed to pluck Anna away. He carried her into the hall and pulled the door quietly closed. In the soft glow of the hall, he could see that she had been crying. "What's the matter sweetheart? Are you sick?" His hand settled against her forehead, but she felt cool to the touch.
"I had a bad dream." Anna's bottom lip puckered and began to tremble. She sniffled again. "I want my momma."
She lay her head against his shoulder and he felt the tremor that ran through her. "I know," he said quietly. "I bet she would want to be with you too."
Anna shook her head. "No," she said pitifully. "Not that momma. I want my now momma."
"Oh." Andy hadn't realized that Anna had started calling her that. His hand stroked her back and he carried her toward the living room instead of back to her bed. "Yes, I know honey. Mom's sleeping right now, maybe you can tell me about it and let her rest a little while longer."
She sniffled again, and when he sat down on the couch with her, Anna snuggled close. "Dinosaurs ate my puppy."
Andy looked heavenward. He'd forgotten the ridiculously scary places that a child's mind could go. He also resolved to remind Rusty that Jurassic Park was not an appropriate movie to be watching when Anna was around. "That's pretty scary," he said. "Good thing there aren't any dinosaurs around anymore, huh?"
"I guess." Anna sighed. "I don't like 'em. They're mean." She sniffed again and looked up at him. "How come you're here? Did you have a sleepover?"
That was a question that he was hoping wouldn't come. Andy reached for the remote and turned the television on. He searched until he found a channel that was playing cartoons. He kept the volume low and settled back on the sofa while he considered his answer. Andy drew his feet up onto the coffee table and crossed his ankles. "Yeah, something like that." He decided that was true enough and safe enough for this setting. Andy reached for the throw blanket on the back of the sofa and tugged it down over them.
Anna yawned widely. She wiggled around until she was comfortable and lay her head against his shoulder. Her eyes moved to the television. "Can we have eggs for breakfast?"
"Yeah, we can do that." Andy tipped his head against the back of the sofa and let his eyes close. Sharon was going to kill him. It was worth it. He settled back against the cushions and listened, rather than watched the movie that was playing. He stroked the hair of the small head nestled against him and sighed. It wasn't long at all before she was still and quiet, and he was sure, asleep again. Definitely worth it, he thought again.
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Sharon woke to her alarm and an empty bed. The space beside her was cool to the touch. She lifted her head and looked around the room. There was no sign of him. She rolled from the bed and drew a robe around her body. Her eyes blinked as she turned on the lamp. His clothes were still draped across the padded bench at the foot of her bed. He had gone to bed in a t-shirt and pajama pants, a staple that seemed to have found its way into her laundry. She smiled at that. She didn't mind finding his things mixed in with hers.
She left the bedroom and made her way quietly down the hall. The soft glow of the television lit the room. Beyond the balcony doors, light was beginning to filter across the sky. It was lit in hues of gray and blue. Sharon moved closer to the sofa. Andy was leaning back on it, snoring quietly. She moved around the edge of the sofa and stopped. There was a dark head tucked against his neck. He had Anna tucked into the crook of his arm, nestled close and sound asleep. Sharon moved quietly closer and sank carefully into the cushions on his other side.
She reached out and pushed a lock of dark hair away from Anna's face. One of her little hands was curled in his t-shirt, as though she were afraid that he would disappear. Sharon drew her bottom lip between her teeth and rested her elbow against the back of the sofa. Her head found its way into her hand. She drew her legs beneath her and reached for the edge of the blanket. She inched carefully closer and beneath it. When she lay her hand against his stomach, he stirred.
His head lifted, his eyes blinked open. "Hey." Sharon smiled at him. Her hand stroked upward to rest against his chest. She leaned toward him and her lips brushed the curve of his jaw. "You seem to be stealing the hearts of all the women in this family."
"I can't help it." His arm snaked out and curled around her. He drew her closer and into his side. "They all think I'm irresistible." Andy drew a breath and let it out slowly. He fought the urge to yawn. He slanted a look at her, found her smiling at him again. "Most of them anyway."
"Hm." She chuckled quietly and wriggled closer. "Your ego isn't in danger of taking any hits anytime soon, it seems." Sharon lay her head against his shoulder. "What happened?"
"Dinosaurs ate her puppy." Andy shook his head. "Bad dream. She came looking for you. She woke me up trying to climb into the bed." He shrugged, then glanced down to make sure he hadn't jostled Anna. "I didn't want to wake you," he said, pitching his voice lower. A memory had him looking at her again. "She wanted her mom, not that one, she was asking for you."
Her lips curved into a smile. "Yes." Sharon's eyes lit up. "She started that a few days ago. I think it was a little confusing for her when Emily and Ricky where here. Rusty uses my name, but they don't, and then there are all of her friends at preschool and daycare…" She trailed off with a shrug. "I didn't correct her. It's what she's comfortable with."
"Yeah." He arched a brow at her. "Thing is, it kind of helps that you are her mom now. Not just legally." He reached up and swept a stray lock of hair away from her face. He tucked it behind her ear.
"It does," she agreed with a smile. Sharon turned and settled against him again. "I like it."
"You like it." He grinned.
"I like it," she said at length. She drew his arm around her and laced their fingers together. "I was thinking," she began.
"I thought I fixed that already." Andy's laughter rumbled quietly in his chest as he turned his face into her hair.
Sharon rolled her eyes at him. "Before that." A flush spread across her cheeks at the memory. "Technically you should be heading out the door about now." She glanced up at him. "Maybe you could stay a little while longer…"
"What did you have in mind?" He nosed her hair aside and placed a kiss beneath her ear. "I hope it's breakfast. I promised Anna eggs." He paused before adding, "Right after she asked me if we had a sleepover."
She giggled quietly. "Bless her innocence." Sharon turned on the sofa and lay her bent knees against his thigh. She curled against him and reached across to stroke Anna's hair. Her lips pursed and she sighed. "At the risk of starting another argument…" Sharon considered her words carefully. "Andy, you don't have to—"
"Then don't start one." He met her gaze. Andy shook his head slowly. "I'm not, Jack. Don't compare us." The histories were similar enough, he knew. He drank too much, he worked too hard, and he made plenty of mistakes. He never walked away from his children. When she leaned away from him, Andy drew her back. "You're thinking too hard again. Stop. Just let it go, Sharon."
She shook her head and drew away from him again. Sharon stood up and walked into the kitchen. She busied herself with the coffee maker and pulling down mugs. She wasn't surprised when he joined her, and looked over to see Anna still asleep on the sofa. "If I could let it go I would," she told him. "This isn't about just letting myself accept the changes in my life."
His hand circled her wrist. Andy drew her toward him until they stood inches apart. "I thought we agreed that you weren't going to start another argument?" He shook his head. Andy tugged her with him toward the end of the bar. There, he took a seat on one of the stools and pulled her between his legs. "What is your hang up? You know, it might help if you actually told me."
Her lips pressed together. Sharon exhaled quietly. "I don't want to confuse her. Sooner or later she's going to begin to make correlations about your presence and our relationship, and I don't want to…" She tugged her arms out of his hands and folded them against her chest. His hands settled at her hips instead. "I feel like everything has moved way too fast. Jack was here, and then he wasn't, and now you're here, and I can't help wondering if I should slow this down before it gets out of control. But at the same time, I want you here."
"We spent a year doing slow," Andy reminded her, "while you came to terms with what you wanted to do about your marriage. He dumped this on you and he walked out, and now your life is moving forward again. I get it, Sharon. Do you think this is how I pictured we'd be doing this? There aren't exactly any guidebooks for what to do when your middle-aged girlfriend adopts her ex-husband's love child. You know, I'm just doing the best I can here. Believe me, I've got no idea what that means. I'm just trying to keep my partner from shooting me for screwing it up again."
She ducked her head and chuckled quietly. "I know." Sharon tossed her hair back and looked up, eyes pointed at the ceiling. "I don't know what I'm doing either. I didn't exactly get an instruction manual for this situation either. I'm so used to doing damage control when I hear Hey Sharon, what had happened was… That I think I just let instinct take over." She didn't want to rehash it. It had been a horrible few months and she had missed him terribly. "When I signed those adoption papers, I thought I'd end up doing this alone at some point, but I never dreamed that you'd be here. I don't have a single contingency plan for this."
"Good." Andy smirked at her. "That means you aren't set on any specific outcome. It generally works in my favor if I've got room to negotiate." He tugged her closer. His hands slid beneath the robe to slide up the backs of her thighs. "I figured by now we'd be talking about shipping the kid off to some dorm so we could do all kinds of unspeakably naughty things in every room of my bungalow. After I moved you in, of course."
"Of course." She slipped her arms around his shoulders and pressed her lips together to keep from smiling. "Hmm." Sharon thought about it. "There's a problem with that."
"Yeah, the dollhouse is never gonna fit." He nodded to the structure that was still taking up a corner of her living room. "And it clashes with my furniture. Obviously, I've had to rethink the plan. Now, what I'm thinking is, we can ditch the dollhouse and pay for years of therapy…"
"Mmhm." The corners of her mouth began to twitch. Sharon arched a brow at him. "Or?" She drew the syllable out. Her eyes sparkled with amusement, while she wondered where he was going with this.
"Or," he continued, "we keep the dollhouse, I get new furniture, and your shoes have to go. We need room, you understand."
"Indeed." Her teeth sank into her bottom lip. His hands were warm against the backs of her thighs. Sharon's hands gripped his shoulders. "I sense another idea…"
"Well, that's never going to work," Andy told her. "You love those shoes. And Anna really loves that dollhouse, so I've got a feeling that neither is going anywhere. That leaves us pretty much stuck with a single alternative. The dollhouse stays where it's at, we curb the unspeakably naughty activities, the bungalow has to go, and you marry me."
She laughed out loud. Sharon pressed the back of her hand against her mouth to stifle the giggles. When he only stared steadily back at her, Sharon stopped laughing. Her smile faltered while her eyes widened. "You're not joking." She felt her stomach drop and her chest clench.
Sharon shoved back from him. Andy held steady. He stood and lifted her. He sat her on the counter across from them and stood between her legs. "You think I'd joke about that?" He stared down at her. His heart was beating a few hundred miles a minute, but now that it was out there, he was going to stand by it. "The way I see it, we keep going like we are, and either way, she's going to end up confused. Now I could move in here, but you're not going to go for that. So let's play a game of follow the rules." His hands settled against the counter on either side of her. Andy leaned close. "You don't want to confuse the kiddo, and you're worried about how it looks. So put your money where your mouth is Raydor. Solve the problem."
Her mouth had gone dry. She continued to stare at him. Finally she blinked. Sharon leaned back on the counter and her back bumped against the cupboard. "I…" Her mouth opened but there was no sound beyond that one. She watched his brow raise, saw the sparkle of challenge in his eyes. "Have you…" All of the air left her lungs in a rush. "Have you lost your mind?"
"Probably." He drew her closer to the edge of the countertop. "That seems to be the general consensus, although, there are just as many people who think you've lost yours. What the hell, let's throw 'em for a loop."
When his brows bobbed she thought he might actually be screwing with her, but somehow, she really doubted that was the case. "I'm genuinely worried about your sanity," She said. His hands slid beneath her robe again and she decided that he was just playing dirty. "Is this your idea of a negotiation?"
"Depends. Is it working?" His hands skirted along her thighs to rest against her hips. "I think it depends on whether or not you thought it was going to happen eventually anyway. Or maybe the rumors are true and you really are just using me for my body." He frowned. "Or am I just using you—who can keep up. It's narcotics. They like to talk, mostly to hear themselves. Sharon, you're killing me. It's either answer the question or the dollhouse has got to go, because we both know you're never giving up any of those shoes, and the kiddo really loves that dollhouse."
She slowly shook her head at him. "You're actually going to use my kid to get me to agree to the most ridiculously insane, completely unbelievable idea that I have ever heard. What are you?"
Andy smirked at her. He took the opening when it was presented to him. "Ridiculously insane and completely crazy about you."
Sharon rolled her yes at him. "You've got the crazy part right." She drew her bottom lip between her teeth. "You're really not joking about this," she said softly.
"Nope." He shrugged. "It was going to wait. I figured we'd get there eventually, but you're turning yourself inside out about this whole thing and what's good for Anna or not. So the idea is out of the bag sooner than I figured it would be." Andy straightened. He drew his hands from beneath the robe and took her much smaller hands in his. "For the record, everything can stay the way it is right now, and I'm not going anywhere. When I told you that I was in this, I meant it. I love you."
She drew another thin, shaking breath. "You saw this lasting that long?" Before he could answer, she curled her legs around his hips and exhaled slowly. "You are, without a doubt, completely insane." A tremor ran down her spine. "The dollhouse has to stay," she agreed. "I'm already putting one child through therapy. I'd rather not be responsible for a second." She looked down, studied their joined hands. "My shoes had best remain in my closet if you know what's best for you."
"Yeah?" he asked thickly. "What about the rest?" His thumbs swept over the backs of her hands. "I think there was more to it than just your shoes and avoiding the therapy."
"I agree, we'll have to curb the unspeakably naughty activities." Her fingers tightened around his. "Quoting my own rulebook at me, more or less, was a nice a touch." Sharon's lips pursed. "You get points for that."
"I thought I might." Andy tilted his head at her. "Come on, Sharon." His eyes glittered. "Where's your sense of occasion?"
She laughed, and this time, she didn't stifle it. "You need your head examined, Andy Flynn."
"Not the first time you've said that," he said. "It's the first time you've said it while half naked…" His lips pursed. "I knew I was doing something wrong in all those disciplinary meetings. I should have gotten you naked years ago. I thought about it often enough."
"Oh my god." She moaned. "Promise me that we'll make up something suitably romantic and never tell anyone what an absolute farce this was?"
Andy held his breath. "Depends. Is that a yes?"
"Well," she said slowly. "I do like having you around."
"Yeah." He leaned down and angled his mouth over hers. "So you've said."
"Andy…" She drew back before he could get started. "Unspeakably naughty things, remember?" Sharon gave a pointed look toward the sofa where Anna was still asleep.
"Right." He sighed and stepped back. "Curbing those. Dammit. Now I know I'm insane."
Sharon shook her head at him. "Are we ever going to do anything normal?"
"You know something." He pulled her off the counter and into the circle of his arms. "We both had normal. It didn't work out so great. Maybe all we need this time is to just be us. Craziness and all."
Sharon cupped his chin and leaned up, kissing him quickly. "Next time, lead in with that. It was actually pretty perfect."
He grunted. "Yeah, except for the part where there isn't going to be a next time. Got you now."
She laughed as she slid her arms around him. She tucked her face into his neck. "You're nuts," she said again.
"Hey, you're the whack job that said yes," he pointed out with a smirk. His arms wrapped around her. He let out a breath he hadn't realized he was still holding. For something that just slipped out, it turned out rather well. Even if they were both completely off their nuts.
Andy found himself fighting the urge to laugh. His partner was going to kill him. Yeah, Sharon was right, they'd make up something suitably fluffy and sell it to the world.